Tag Archives: emotional intelligence

Playing to win

Emotional Intelligence

Every now and again life’s well-laid plans suddenly seem inappropriate and a new plan – radically different from the old one – seems appropriate. This could be your plan for the week, month or year. At mid-life it could be your plan for the whole of your life. Sometimes, the invitation beckons and you get to choose – do I sign up for the big change or do I stick with the old plan? Part of signing up to the new plan is acting in faith. Often signing up to the new plan involves embracing uncertainty.

This has been my own experience at the start to 2010, when a few chance conversations have set me off in new directions. One of these has been to bring forward my plans for embarking on the journey towards applying for my accreditation as a Professionally Certified Coach with the International Coach Federation. The second has been my decision to sign up with Kathy Mallary to her programme for coaches (see http://www.spiritspring.com/2010-empowerment-program), a chance to step back from the day to day running of my business and to take a fresh look at my sales and marketing. Other plans have been put on hold.

Kathy’s programme is framed by her passion for ‘playing to win’. By chance, one friend recently described the midlife crisis as ‘playing to win (whilst weeping)’. Another colleague recently described how, at midlife, a window opens up – a time in which the healing of old wounds is possible – and later closes down. If our inner work is not done during this period, the opportunity may be lost.

Whether at mid-life or not, I enjoyed Kathy’s description – as part of her information about the programme she is offering – of playing to win. I reproduce it here, with her permission:

When you’re playing to win:

  • You’re centered and clear;
  • You’re feeling confident, resilient and empowered;
  • You’re in the flow; life is happening for you rather than to you;
  • It’s easier to have faith;
  • You have more freedom;
  • Your capacity for abundance, success and joy is expanding;
  • Your relationships are more harmonious;
  • You’re using your values to help you make important decisions;
  • You’re inspiring others around you to play to win;
  • You’re having fun!

You know you’re playing to lose when:

  • You hold back and play it safe;
  • You’re afraid to let go of control;
  • You hide your feelings;
  • You worry that there’s not enough (money or time – or whatever);
  • You feel defensive, resentful or resigned;
  • You don’t keep your agreements;
  • You put things off until later;
  • You get hung up on perfectionism;
  • You feel overwhelmed or trapped;
  • You think you need to avoid, deflect or prevent something.

And lest you, dear reader, are ‘hung up on perfectionism’ as you read this, I’d like to add that playing to win is a matter of degree. So whilst you not be all the way there yet, each small step you take has the potential to bring you closer to playing to win.

The anatomy of an action

Emotional Intelligence, ,

Currently, it seems that all sorts of snippets are coming my way about the way the brain works and the impact on such things as emotional intelligence. I am reminded of the French phrase jamais deux sans trois – receiving the brief description below, it’s as if all the buses have turned up at once.

I was curious about the following brief description of an experiment by Benjamin Libet, who died in 2007. Libet’s experiments challenged our traditional view of how we make decisions. This description was part of an invitation to a talk this evening which, sadly, I am unable to attend.

Benjamin Libet (1916-2007) was a pioneering scientist in the field of human consciousness. His classic experiment showed that when subjects were asked to press a button, prior to their decision to do so, their unconscious brains had already started getting them ready to act. This implies that things happen in the following order: first comes automatic brain activity, then a conscious decision, then the action itself.

These findings seem to challenge our common sense idea of ourselves. ‘We’ seem to be nothing more than conscious decision-makers with the occasional power of veto over unconscious forces.

The role of the unconscious mind has been the subject of exploration and conjecture throughout history. Freud stands out in the twentieth Century as having made attempts to understand the unconscious mind, for example, and many therapeutic approaches explore the unconscious.

I think of neurolinguistic programming (or NLP) as one area in my own experience which engages with the unconscious mind on an ongoing basis, recognising that it’s possible to speak directly to the unconscious, and also inviting the unconscious to speak. As I write I recognise how many questions in coaching are addressed directly to the unconscious mind.

We live in an extraordinary era in the science of the brain, an era in which, increasingly, scientists are able to understand what is actually happening in the brain that creates the behaviours we observe. I regret that I shall not be hearing more about this this evening.

When science proves ancient wisdom: the empathy neurons

Emotional Intelligence, ,

In the late twentieth century and early twenty-first century, our understanding of the brain has accelerated to an extraordinary degree. Some of this work has been brought to a wide audience (if you like, ‘popularised’) by Daniel Goleman in his books on Emotional Intelligence.

Sometimes, the new brain science helps us to make sense of things we already knew. Why is it, for example, that to visualise something ahead of time (from having a baby to winning the Olympics) is to make it far more likely that it will happen? How is it that we are able to empathise with others? To what degree is the Eastern philosophical idea that we are all connected (and that any idea that we are not is an illusion) an objective truth?

Today, I enjoyed watching VS Ramachandran sharing just 8 minutes’ worth of new science, in which he describes the role played by ‘mirror neurons’. You can find this clip at http://www.ted.com/ under the heading The neurons that shaped civilization.

I am grateful to Gina Lawrie for sharing this clip. Gina is one of the UK’s foremost trainers in the field of Nonviolent Communication – and happy to see more and more examples of science proving ancient wisdom.

To be or not to be

Emotional Intelligence, , ,

Shona Cameron, one of my colleagues in the world of Nonviolent Communication (or NVC) sends through a link to a fascinating article in the Guardian about something called e-prime: This column will change your life: to be or not to be…

The article, by Oliver Burkeman, refers to an idea I had not come across before. David Bourland, proposes – in an essay about something he calls e-prime – to eliminate the use of the verb “to be”. Burkeman references one of Bourland’s teachers, Alfred Korzybski, known especially for his assertion that “the map is not the territory”.

It seems to me that Bourland’s idea, put forward some 45 years ago, reflects Korzybski’s teaching. For if you can no longer say “John is lazy”, you are obliged to find some other way of putting your idea forward, perhaps a way that reflects you own responsibility for reaching this conclusion (“It’s my view that John does not work as hard as some of his colleagues”, for example). This new linguistic turn of phrase does more to highlight the gap between the map and the territory it seeks to represent, making clear the role of the viewer in the viewing. Perhaps this different turn of phrase might even highlight this gap to the viewer and invite greater self-accountability. How many performance appraisals might be transformed by such a fine distinction? How many family arguments might never take place?

The article’s author asserts that e-prime never really caught on and yet the distinctions made by Bourland and Korzybski have found their way into many schools of thinking. Our ability to distinguish between what we observe and our response to what we observe is an essential part of Nonviolent Communication, for example, whilst Korzybski’s phrase “the map is not the territory” has been adopted as a core presupposition in the world of Neurolinguistic Programming (or NLP).

How widely understood is the gap between the “map” and the “territory”? Not very. One might even observe that in any relationship in which one party wishes to expercise power and influence it can help to obscure the distinction. If, though, we aspire to honest open relationships in which people make free, informed choices, we might find that e-prime’s elimination of the verb “to be” invites greater transparency of thought.

Mmm… before I press the “publish post” button, let me just check this posting for my use of the verb “to be”…

Developing your “match fitness”: celebrating success

Emotional Intelligence, ,

Several weeks into starting her new business, Barbara was feeling down. She had yet to land her first contract and felt fearful when she looked ahead, worried that her first sale would not come in time for her to meet her financial commitments. The more she felt this way, the harder she found it to take action towards her goals.

Some people tell themselves that focusing on the gap between where they are and where they want to be will provide the motivation to move forward. Barbara’s experience, however, suggests that the opposite is true. In a business which depends on building relationships over time, it was realistic that it would take several months for her to land her first contract and Barbara had made plans for this. At the same time, as long as she focussed on “winning the contract” as her only measure of success, she found it hard to get started in the morning and even harder to find the motivation to take action towards such a distant goal.

Barbara’s motivation improved dramatically when she started to celebrate each small step towards her goal, including the steps that others took on her behalf. This change of emphasis meant that she could take time at the end of each day to notice and celebrate her successes. Even steps she judged to be unsuccessful were nonetheless steps. Celebrating in this way helped Barbara to become “match fit” to take action towards her goals.

Here are some questions to help you to explore the extent to which you are able to celebrate success:

  • What is the balance of your attention at present and how much of it goes towards those things that are moving you in the right direction?
  • What credit do you give yourself for those actions you take towards your goals?
  • To what extent do you celebrate those actions others take that help you to move forward?
  • To what extent can you celebrate success without hearing an inner voice that judges you or seeks to guide you in some other direction?

What additional questions come up for you when you think about the extent to which you celebrate success?

Developing your “match fitness”: voting for what you want

Emotional Intelligence,

Several years after he had embarked on a career with an international firm, Shaun had enjoyed a series of promotions and was travelling extensively in his job. The feedback from the company’s directors suggested he would be in line for a promotion to the senior levels of the firm’s management.

Shaun had set out to contribute through his work to the well-being of his family. He had seen how distant his parents had become and had felt the impact in his own childhood. He was determined to do it differently. As well as contributing to the finances of his family he wanted to maintain a loving relationship with his wife and to be present as a father to his children.

At the same time, the further Shaun climbed the career ladder, the more his relationship with his family was becoming strained. His wife felt the burden of looking after their children whilst Shaun was away on business and their relationship with each other was beginning to suffer. The children were showing signs of “treading on eggshells” around their parents. Shaun was feeling low.

Shaun had set out to place his family at the centre of his concerns and yet, over time, he had lost sight of this aim. He had started instead to vote for career progress. It was time for him to start voting for what he really wanted.

Voting for what you want is about taking actions that support your most valued intentions. This may be about taking steps towards your goals. It may be about behaving in line with your values. It is certainly about how you spend your time.

Here are some questions to help you to explore what it means for you to vote for what you want:

  • To what extent does the way you spend your time match those things you most want in your life?
  • To what extent are you guided in your choices by a clear sense of what you want?
  • What are the areas in which there is a gap between what you want and the choices you’re making?
  • What needs are you meeting by the actions you take in those areas in which you are not voting for what you want?

I wonder, what other questons are waiting to be explored by you in the area of voting for what you want?

Developing your “match fitness”: learning to learn

Emotional Intelligence,

As an employee, Alex was beginning to feel a sense of desperation at the number of times he’d given generously to employers only to see how they promoted others ahead of him. The voice in his head told him he was being taken for a ride. What’s more, Alex noticed that those colleagues who were being promoted ahead of him were people he didn’t rate. He couldn’t see what work they were doing and they seemed to be taking all the glory.

Alex was married with young children and he was beginning to feel particularly sour about the impact on his wife and children. He felt he deserved faster promotion and higher pay. One day, when he shared his feelings with a colleague, his colleague asked him if he’d made any enquiries to find out what was slowing his promotion prospects. Only then did Alex think to ask his manager what he could do to achieve promotion.

Whilst Alex was nervous about asking for feedback, the feedback his manager gave him enabled him to understand some of the assumptions he was making and to adjust his approach in the light of new information. For Alex, this was the beginning of learning to learn.

The committed learner brings an approach to all situations which is open to learning. This approach presupposes that fears are there to be faced, that those people whom we find most challenging are our best teachers, that those situations we find most difficult provide opportunities to learn. These are the people who, in our current recession, are looking for the learning that adversity can bring.

Here are some questions to help you to explore how “match fit” you are in the area of learning:

  • As you look back over recent years, what have been your biggest areas of learning?
  • What does your learning in recent years tell you about your readiness to learn – or learning “muscle”?
  • To what extent do you look for the learning in situations you find challenging or when faced with people you find difficult?
  • How would you describe yourself as a learner?
  • How does learning support you in making progress towards your aspirations?

What additional questions would you offer in relation to learning to learn?

Developing your “match fitness”: making adjustments en route

Emotional Intelligence,

When Jamie took on the leadership of a team of colleagues in her accounting firm, she was given a thorough briefing by her predecessor-in-role about each member of her team. She used this briefing to decide on her initial strategy for managing the team and members of the team.

She knew that her predecessor saw one member of the team (John) as a poor performer. He had described John as lazy and told Jamie how often he’d had to check that John had completed his work. Although she listened carefully to this diagnosis, Jamie made a note to be curious and to reach her own conclusions.

Initially, Jamie observed how meticulous John was in his work. His clients spoke highly of him and Jamie observed how he completed his work on time and to a high standard. She was increasingly mystified by her predecessor’s observations. About two months after she took on her leadership role, however, she had a letter from a client who had asked John to complete a piece of work. The client had not heard from John and he hadn’t received the help he’d asked for.

Jamie decided to share the letter with John and ask for his observations. As John talked, Jamie observed changes to his body language and wondered what they signified. She decided to ask him straight out. John told her that when he’d received the letter from the client he’d looked at his diary and realised he couldn’t do the work on time and meet his other client commitments. He’d used the team’s allocation system to ask for help and the work had been passed to another colleague. It was his understanding that the work was in someone else’s hands. At the same time, this wasn’t the first time he’d been hit with a surprise of this sort.

Jamie decided to look into the way the allocation system was working and discovered a political issue of which she’d been unaware. The person responsible for tracking the flow of work through the department and re-allocating work when necessary had made a number of errors over time. She learned that her predecessor had been aware of this and chosen to turn a blind eye. Jamie decided it was time to stop focussing on John and to start focusing on the wider context in which he was working.

Whilst Jamie’s approach looks straightforward on the surface, she did something that many people overlook – at times if not all the time – by remaining curious, inviting new information and adjusting her approach in the light of new information. The results of her efforts were a number of changes to a system which just wasn’t working.

Here are some questions to help you to identify the extent to which you are curious, inviting new information and adjusting your approach in the light of what you learn:

  • How open are you to new information about the effectiveness of your approach, including feedback about others’ perceptions?
  • In what ways do you proactively seek out new information?
  • To what extent do you build in ways to get feedback as part of planning your approach?
  • How willing are you to make adjustments to your approach in the light of new information?
  • In what ways has your willingness to seek information and adjust your approach contributed to your effectiveness, happiness and well-being and over what period?

What additional questions would you offer in relation to making adjustments en route?

Developing your “match fitness”: taking next steps

Emotional Intelligence,

When Adam took on the headship of a failing school he was aware of the huge gap between the school’s current offering and his aspirations for the future. And even though he had been aware of the school’s Ofsted rating ahead of taking on the role, it seemed that the more he learned the more he realised just how much needed to be done if the school was to avoid closure.

Adam was aware of the temptation in a headship role to focus on the school’s most immediate challenges. Feedback from staff suggested that this may have been the approach of his predecessor and he knew this approach had been unsuccessful. He was also aware that the number of challenges which needed urgent attention had become overwhelming – and that many important issues had been left unattended until they, too, had become urgent.

Adam decided to take a different approach. Initially, he focused his attention on finding out as much as he could about the school and on clarifying his goals for the school. This gave him a clear way to prioritise, enabling him to identify and take next steps. Even at times of extreme challenge, Adam was able to ask himself “what shall I do next?” His vision and goals provided motivation and commitment whilst his focus on immediate next steps saved him from becoming overwhelmed.

Here are some questions to help you to identify the extent to which you are able to identify and take next steps with clear aims in mind:

  • Where would you put yourself on a scale of nought to ten, where nought equals “mostly I do nothing because I don’t know what to do” and ten equals “even when my agenda is overwhelming I know where I’m heading and I’m able to identify next steps”?
  • When the amount you have to do to reach your goals seems highly challenging, to what extent are you able to focus your attention in ways that energise you and move you forward?
  • How often do you celebrate the steps you have taken (rather than “beating yourself up” when you think about the steps you have yet to take)?
  • What key step do you want to take next in order to build, strengthen or maintain your “match fitness”?

What additional questions would you offer in relation to identifying and taking next steps?

Developing your “match fitness”: gathering resources

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

Annie had enjoyed many successes in her career when she agreed to take on a new role as a senior leader in a well-known not-for-profit organisation. Whilst there were many aspects of the role that were already within her experience she recognised that she felt nervous about the high profile this role brought with it.

Annie took time to prepare before starting her new role. She thought about the personal resources she wanted to bring to the role – including her ability to build rapport, her confidence and the ability to speak at conferences, interviews and so on. Some of these were resources she had built over time and some were relatively new to her. Recognising that she wanted to develop her speaking skills she started to research options for developing her skills in this area.

Annie also thought hard about the people who might support her. She already had a mentor as well as friends and colleagues who were supportive of her. She spoke to each one and asked if she could continue to call on them for further support. In addition, Annie decided to invest in working with a professional coach to support her in making the transition into her new role.

Annie demonstrates what it is to develop your match fitness. Rather than stepping into a new situation and hoping for the best, she took time to gather together the resources she needed to succeed. And because she made a habit of doing this, Annie built a wealth of resources and was able to call on them when she needed. This included both her own inner resources and support from other people.

Here are some questions to help you to identify the extent to which you are well resourced at this time in your life:

  • What is your level of awareness of the resources you already have?
  • What inner resources have you developed over the years?
  • What external resources have you developed over the years?
  • How easily do you call on the resources at your disposal (inner, outer) when you need help?

What additional questions would you offer in the area of gathering resources?