Tag Archives: emotional intelligence

Developing your “match fitness”: taking responsibility for your own needs

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

Mo had a highly successful career with an organisation he enjoyed working for. He was highly task-focused and could be relied upon to deliver against targets. He had built a reputation for turning round parts of the business that were under-performing and this had led to rapid promotion.

Mo was beginning to tire of his reputation as “turn-around king” and he wanted to take on a broader role. He especially wanted to demonstrate that he could deliver results in a part of the business that was thriving. He was willing to travel internationally and could see a number of possibilities across the organisation. Given his track record, he expected that he would be rewarded by a promotion.

Mo’s promotions had often come to him and, as time went on, he began to feel frustrated with the opportunities that were being offered to him. It seemed his manager had no understanding of his aspirations and no intention to find out what he wanted, despite Mo’s years of committed service. Increasingly, and for the first time in his career, Mo felt down and was struggling to enjoy his work.

Mo was harbouring an assumption of which he was unaware: that it was the responsibility of his manager on behalf of the organisation to meet his needs. What’s more, it was Mo’s view that his manager should be proactive in finding out what those needs were. For this reason, he took no action to further his own needs and didn’t share them with his boss.

The person who is match fit may have views about the role of his or her boss. And still, he leaves nothing to chance. He recognises that his boss (and anyone else, for that matter) may or may not share and fulfil his expectations. He is ready to take full responsibility for his needs. Sometimes this means taking action. Sometimes this means making requests of others. Over time, this proactive approach brings him closer to meeting his needs. Along the way, this approach helps to boost his sense of power and possibility.

Here are some questions to help you to identify the extent to which you are taking responsibility for your own needs:

  • To what extent do you think it’s OK to have needs?
  • To what extent are you aware of the approach you take to meeting your needs? To what extent have you chosen this approach?
  • To what extent do you view it as your responsibility to find ways to meet your needs?
  • To what extent do you have expectations of others – things you think they “ought” to do which would have an impact on your life?
  • To what extent do you take responsibility for the needs of others? (This could be a sign that you are expecting a quid pro quo whereby you meet their needs and they meet yours)

What additional questions would you offer in relation to taking responsibility for your own needs?

Developing your “match fitness”: stepping into your power

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

Sarah had been a highly successful regional sales manager in a thriving business when the recession hit and sales started to fall. Six months into the recession the company’s Board of Directors approved a re-shaping of the regions and Sarah was invited to apply for one of a reduced number of sales manager roles. She didn’t get the job.

Sarah’s initial response was to feel angry at the way she had been treated by her company. She also felt angry with herself, asking herself what she could have done to get the job and berating herself because she hadn’t seen the reorganisation coming.

Sarah’s response left her feeling powerless. This was because her focus was on the circumstances she found herself in rather than on the needs she wanted to meet. Because she didn’t know what she wanted (except insofar as she wanted the job she had not been given) she was not able to move forward.

The person who is match fit has a variety of ways to step into his or her power. This is the power of his or her needs as well as his or her power to meet them. For some people, knowing what they want and connecting with their desires is enough to provide energy and momentum. Others use specific techniques, including stepping into a future vision of having what they want. Whatever way you do it, stepping into your power provides strength and momentum to move forward with ease.

Here are some questions to help you to identify the extent to which you are able to step into your power:

  • To what extent are you able to connect with and to feel the power of what you want?
  • To what extent are you able to feel resourceful and empowered even in adversity?
  • To what extent are you able to step out of feelings that disempower you and into feelings that build momentum?
  • What tried and tested means do you have for stepping fully into your power?

What additional questions would you offer in relation to stepping into your power?

Developing your “match fitness”: knowing what you want

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

Andrew was a brilliant student, graduating from a leading UK university with a First Degree. He had embarked on his career with an ambition to become Finance Director of a FTSE 500 company by the age of 35. Andrew’s clear goal gave him direction early in his career, providing momentum and guiding his actions in line with the goal set by his 21-year-old self.

As his career progressed, however, Andrew discovered that this goal was no longer serving him. In his early 30s he realised it was unlikely he would meet his goal and he began to tell himself he was failing. What’s more, in quiet moments of honesty, Andrew realised that he wasn’t enjoying the path he had chosen.

The person who is match fit is highly attuned to what he or she wants and keeps this constantly under review. This is the person who understands the difference between surface desires (if you like, the form a desire might take) and the underlying needs that might be met by a goal or ambition. This allows a high degree of flexibility and makes it more likely that a need might be fulfilled or a goal met.

The person who is match fit is also attuned to different kinds of needs and has answers to any number of questions about what he or she wants. How do I want to be in this life? What values do I want to live my life by? What outcomes do I want to work towards? Above all, the person who is match fit goes beyond form to ask: and what would that do for me? Asking this last question guides the person who is match fit towards his or her deepest needs.

Here are some questions to help you to identify the extent to which you are able to know what you want:

  • To what extent do you have a clear vision of what you want your life to become?
  • How clearly have you identified and “signed up to” things that you want in your life (the values you want to live by, the way you want to be, the kind of relationships you want to have etc.)?
  • To what extent do you know what needs you are trying to meet at any given moment in time?
  • How well are you able to distinguish between the needs you are trying to meet and the strategy by which you might meet them?
  • How aware are you in the moment of times when your needs are being met and of times when your needs are not being met? And how well do you understand what needs are – or are not – being met?

What additional questions would you offer in relation to knowing what you want?

Developing your “match fitness”: starting from where you are

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

Alex worked in the highly competitive environment of a top flight law firm. She noticed that many of her peers – including those who were far more able than she was – were often highly stressed at work and dissatisfied in their careers. Nothing was ever good enough. She also noticed that their focus on what “should” be true and that this consumed a great deal of their energy without leading to any progress.

Alex was not sure that this was the environment she wanted to work in but she recognised that it was the environment she had chosen – at least for now. She decided to invest her energy in noticing what was true in the firm. She paid attention to the workings of the firm – the stated and unstated rules, procedures and culture. She paid attention to what she was bringing to the firm – including her aspirations, her skills and capabilities, and her values. She was accepting – and curious – about the situation in which she found herself.

Alex had mastered the skill of starting from where you are. Because she was able to accept the truth of her situation she was able to be present to her situation. Even in the most challenging situations she did not experience stress so much as an opportunity to check in and notice what was true at a given point in time. This ability enabled Alex to take informed decisions both about her immediate situation and about her long term career.

Here are some questions to help you to identify the extent to which you are able to start from where you are:

  • To what extent are you able to be present to whatever is true in your life right now – from your own thoughts and emotions to the circumstances in which you find yourself?
  • To what extent are you accepting of everything that is true in your life – even of those parts of you (or others) that are not accepting?

What additional questions would you offer in relation to starting from where you are?

Are you “match fit” for 2010?

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

What is the mother of all questions when it comes to testing the extent to which you are “match fit” in your life right now? As I think about this question I am aware that the postings that lie ahead each include questions – questions which relate to particular areas of personal fitness.

And still, I wonder what question or questions highlight the extent to which you are developing your “match fitness” across the whole of your life. This is the extent to which you feel able to meet whatever comes into your personal and professional life and to feel comfortable to embrace your experience fully.

Perhaps this question relates to an underlying belief, that no matter what the circumstances in which you find yourself, there’s no reason why your life should not be getting better and better. This is possible because your growing mastery of life and how to live life makes you less and less dependent on the circumstances in which you find yourself in order to enjoy life. It’s also possible because your growing mastery of life and how to live life acts to create a life which you can enjoy.

Perhaps some of the key questions that point you to this are:

  • To what extent are you enjoying your life increasingly (no matter what the external circumstances of your life)?
  • To what extent do you know that you have what it takes to create the life of your choosing and to handle whatever comes your way?
  • To what extent can you look back on the path you have chosen up until now and know you are moving in your chosen direction?

News from Learning for Life (Consulting), December 2009

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

Today I finish writing my newsletter, beginning my main article with the introduction below. In addition, in the days to come, I offer some questions on my blog to help readers explore the extent to which they are “match fit” and highlight some of the areas in which readers can develop their personal “match fitness”.

The global economic downturn in 2009 has brought testing times for leaders in organisations as they set out to maintain a healthy and viable business. Whilst some people have kept their jobs and even prospered, others have faced challenges for which they were unprepared.

Working with clients throughout the year it has been clear that some – though not all – are undaunted by the challenges they face, no matter what they may be. These are the people whose lives keep on getting better, because they just keep on getting better at the business of life and work. As leaders they are inspiring. As colleagues they are a pleasure to be around.

I think of these people as “match fit”. But how do you know when you’re match fit? And what does it take to be match fit, no matter what your circumstances?

Managing your prejudices (5): managing your prejudices in coaching

Emotional Intelligence
“How do you manage your personal prejudices in a coaching situation?”

With so much already said (see postings 1 – 4 in this series), what’s left to say that’s new or different when it comes to managing your personal prejudices in a coaching situation? As I ponder what I aim to bring I am aware that I want to reiterate thoughts I have already shared:

  • Continuing to learn: I could as easily end with as start with an emphasis on my own learning for, surely, my ability to manage my personal prejudices in coaching is a reflection of my learning at a given point in time. My ongoing investment in my own learning (via coaching, supervision and other means) together supply the resources I bring as a coach;
  • Acting from a set of values and principles: Coaching is not coaching in which the coach knows the answers and the answers come from the coach. To me, this implies that no matter what I may think at different points in a coaching meeting it is for me to be open and curious, perhaps to have a view and still not to be wedded to the idea of being right. Out of this openness and curiosity come questions which build my own understanding as well as that of my client. These and other values and principles from which I work support openness and reduce the likeliness that personal prejudices (on either side) will limit the effectiveness of coaching;
  • Disclosing – or not: Being aware of my prejudices opens up the possibility of disclosing them. With this comes the responsibility to choose. When might I disclose them? When might I not? In general, when I have broad faith in a bias I may choose to disclose it – to offer it to my client as a possibility, openly and without attachment. Equally, there are times when it is for me to notice a prejudice and to set it aside. Of course, there are times when my broad view (that X might work or that Y is unlikely to be effective) may prevail – but only because I have asked questions which invite open exploration. It is not my aim to lead my client in line with my own prejudices;
  • Letting clients own their own decisions: One of the key ways in which I manage my personal prejudices in coaching is by remembering that my clients’ decisions are not mine to take. Even when I have a view that my client is choosing a path which may fail to meet his or her needs (or failing to choose a path which will meet his or her needs) it is for my client to know what suits. In truth, I find that the process of working with clients is such that I rarely have a strong sense of unease at a client’s decision. When I do, it may be for me to make observations or to ask questions to test a client’s thinking and still, no client decision is ever mine to make.

Phew! Over five postings I have explored prejudice and what it means to manage my prejudices. Sometimes I have wondered – am I taking the whole question too seriously? At other times I have been aware of how barely I am scratching the surface of this subject. There is always more to be said.

Meantime, I welcome your views.

Managing your prejudices (4): keeping your prejudices under observation

Emotional Intelligence,
“How do you manage your personal prejudices in a coaching situation?”

In recent days I have been exploring what constitutes a prejudice, wondering why we might (or might not) choose to identify and manage our prejudices and identifying some common examples of terms which are widely used without any sense that they may be inherently prejudicial.

Now though, it’s time to get closer to the question: “How do you manage your prejudices in a coaching situation?” It seems to me that the way we manage our prejudices in coaching is a reflection of our approach more widely in life. So I begin by reflecting on the approaches which, together, constitute my response to my own prejudices:

  • Keeping my beliefs under observation: Perhaps my starting point for managing my prejudices has been to develop the ability to notice my beliefs and to examine them on an ongoing basis. I like to think that some of my more rough-edged prejudices are long since gone and still, I continue to notice and examine my beliefs;
  • Broadening my experience: My beliefs are rooted both in my education and in my experience. Over the years I have embraced many opportunities to broaden my experience, both for the inherent pleasure and interest new experiences can provide and with a view to broadening the “database” on which my beliefs are based;
  • Testing my beliefs against reality: Many beliefs are simply generalisations and I’ve found it helpful to test generalisations against new information – again, and again, and again… I’ve also found it helpful to notice how much research there is to suggest that the beliefs we hold predict our reality. A belief is just a belief;
  • Letting go of being “right”: At any point in time I hold beliefs and still, I lay no claim to being right. I may stand true to my beliefs over a considerable length of time and debate them robustly with others. At the same time, it is my choice to hold the belief that my views may or may not be “right”. From this place, I have no investment in maintaining a belief and can easily review it and replace it in the light of new insights or information;
  • Choosing my prejudices wisely: Since I am bound to hold beliefs, it is my aim to choose them wisely. For me this implies gaining clarity about the purpose I have for holding a given belief and examining my beliefs to ensure that each one is fit for purpose. Perhaps one of the most fundamental beliefs I have chosen to adopt is that we all have needs and communicate in order to meet our needs and to contribute to the needs of others (this is the essence of Nonviolent – Compassionate – Communication or NVC). This means that I am guided in my communication by this belief and I hope that adopting this belief makes it more likely that needs will be met;
  • Being present to individuals and to their experience: Nothing pains me more than seeing a child being “forced” to say hello to an adult. For whilst it may or may not be “polite” to say hello, it seems to me that over time everyone pays the price for enforcing such general rules. You could say that one prejudice I choose to hold is to favour connecting with individuals and their experience over holding general rules;
  • Responding with compassion, humour and insight: Am I without prejudice? Absolutely not. And even whilst seeking to choose beliefs that honour my needs and the needs of others I am sometimes taken by surprise by my own prejudices. Since one of my prejudices is that I must get things “right” it’s taken me time to be able to come to such moments with humour and compassion and to take from them the learning that will help me to move forward.

Having identified my preferred ways of managing my prejudices I wonder, what does a coaching situation require over and above these approaches? What might be needed that’s different? This is the question to which I return tomorrow.

Managing your prejudices (3): it’s all in the language

Emotional Intelligence
“How do you manage your personal prejudices in a coaching situation?”

Reflecting on and writing about prejudice in recent days I am bound to reflect not only on my own prejudices but also on the widespread use of words which imply bias or interpretation and yet go unquestioned. In the most simple way I can, I thought I’d list a few here:

  • “How rude!” To what extent is there something called “rudeness” and is this term ever used without prejudice? If I describe your behaviour as rude am I not claiming to know something about what is or isn’t rude and in some way to have authority over your behaviour?
  • Terrorist: who gets to decide that an individual is a terrorist (rather than a freedom fighter) or that an act is an act of terrorism? On what basis is one act an act of terrorism and another (whether deemed legal or illegal) a war?
  • Mental illness: Thomas Szasz wrote a book questionning the use of the term “mental illness” or “mentally ill”. Is there any such thing? Jung Chang’s memoir Wild Swans with her description of her father’s response to the experiences he had under Chairman Mao’s regime illustrates just how behaviours that pass as “mental illness” could equally be seen as a sane response to the set of circumstances in which we find ourselves. So, is it prejudicial to describe someone as mentally ill?
  • Thug: How often do our journalists use terms such as “hooligan”, “thug” and “vandal” as if to use such a term were to state a fact rather than to make an interpretation? And to what extent does the use of a wide range of labels – from “parent” to “paedophile”, from “late” to “leisurely”, from “hard-working” to “high-potential” – imply prejudice on the part of the speaker?

I wonder how you respond to these terms? And what other words and phrases would you identify as showing prejudice.

Managing your prejudices (2): why bother?

Emotional Intelligence
“How do you manage your personal prejudices in a coaching situation?”

Yesterday, I explored what we mean by the word “prejudice” in response to my client’s question. Today I venture to ask myself why I or others might choose to manage my personal prejudices – and indeed, why we might choose not to.

I have to declare a bias! For all my instincts are in favour of being aware of my prejudices, of stripping them away, of letting them go… it is easy for me to make the case for managing one’s prejudices in a range of roles. I think of parents, leaders, teachers, coaches… Given my own bias, I want to recognise that there might be well-intended reasons for maintaining a prejudice and even that maintaining prejudice is inevitable.

What might be our reasons for maintaining a prejudice or bias? What needs might we meet by holding a prejudice? Yesterday I mentioned that generalisations simplify the act or process of living. It’s also easy to see how prejudice might be born of fear – a generalisation from one experience to protect us from similar experiences in future. It’s only a few steps, for example, from knowing that crime rates are high in xyz area to drawing the conclusion that all people who live in xyz area are dangerous and to treating them with suspicion. Even when we don’t hold a view we might choose to adopt it for fear of what happens if we don’t. Some of the most striking examples are visible in totalitarian regimes. Others are more subtle and can be seen by the discerning eye in our families, churches, workplaces and other communities. To maintain a bias may keep us safe from something we fear. It may also help us to maintain our place in a community.

What might our reasons be for choosing not to examine our prejudices and to manage them? One reason is that our prejudices are often unconscious, resting on beliefs we take to be truths – matters of fact. How many of us take “you have to work hard to succeed” to be the ultimate workplace truth, for example? Perhaps there’s another reason we choose not to examine our prejudices. For some of us at least hold the view that we are the sum of what we think. To open up our beliefs to examination can be frightening indeed – for who are we when our beliefs have been stripped away and found to be false? With what do we replace them?

Given the reasons we have to maintain our prejudices, why might we choose to manage them – to bring them into conscious awareness, to examine them, to let them go or at least to choose how we respond to them? It’s clear that there can be negative consequences from holding a prejudice, both for the person who holds it and for others with whom they are in contact. Consider the parent, for example, who forms and expresses the view that Johnny is the lazy one in the family (or stupid or ugly…) and that this is a bad thing or that Sally is the resourceful one in the family (or bright or capable) and that this is a good thing. Research in many fields suggests that such declarations tend to sow seeds for the behaviour of the children (or adults) involved. We can expect that over time Johnny and Sally will tend to conform to the ideas their parents have of them. In the field of leadership, research shows how the beliefs of leaders can have the same impact across teams or even whole organisations.

Even when the beliefs of parents (or leaders) are “positive”, they may have unintended and undesired (or undesirable) consequences. In the family Sally may feel pressure, for example, to live up to her parent’s description of her and may fail to ask for help when she needs it. Both Sally and Johnny may over time feel increasingly estranged from their true selves and from the adults who have labeled them in whatever way.

And what about coaching? It seems to me that any hidden assumptions, generalisations or beliefs held by the coach may limit what’s possible in coaching. It’s not that the coach’s experience counts for nothing – often coaching clients look to their coach for input and observations based on their own experience. At times, it’s the coach’s personal experience or experience of other’s progress that tells them that more – much more – is possible for a client. At the same time, when the coach presumes to have an answer, he or she may unwittingly limit the client in his or her progress or in the expression of his or her authentic self.

Perhaps authenticity is the hidden “plus” in all of this. For insofar as we value authenticity and see benefits in recognising and nurturing authenticity in ourselves and others, we are likely to want to go beyond our prejudices and to be open to a level of insight which cannot come from generalisations of any kind.

I wonder, what do you think?