Recently I wrote at length about empathy and made a mental note to write about the “how” of empathy – both of giving and receiving empathy and of how you develop it if you’re not there yet.  I haven’t yet fulfilled this promise I made to myself so, when I was sent a link to a podcast by Kelly Bryson I took time to listen.

Kelly is talking about empathy in the context of intimate relationships, including sexual relationships.  And let’s be clear, if ever there’s a context in which challenging emotions and emotional pain are triggered it’s in our most intimate relationships.  Over the years, our failure to “mop up the mess” of our misunderstandings can drive us apart or create an inbuilt “toxicity” in our relationships.  Kelly’s podcast talks through some of the elements of Nonviolent Communication and how they can be used in intimate relationships to give and receive empathy.  In this way we can clean up the messes as they occur and – over time – build, restore and maintain trust.  It also completes with two exercises for giving and receiving empathy and building connection.

What is the relevance of this in our professional lives?  I could say so much about this.  Firstly, insofar as we carry the hurt of our unmet need for empathy in our private lives, we are likely to be sensitive in our professional lives – and so are others.  This is a common human experience, encoded in the most ancient parts of our brains.  Learning to give ourselves empathy or to ask for the empathy we need makes us more able in our work to be present in the here and now rather than to be triggered by “old stuff”.  As leaders, it helps to know that this is true for those we lead, too.  With this understanding we can see and respo9nd to the behaviours and responses of our staff in their wider human context.

And what else?  Well, for now, perhaps it helps to know that the skills for giving and receiving empathy are the same no matter what the context.  For this reason I share Kelly’s podcast as a resource for all my readers.  And if you do choose to listen to it, will you let me know what you take from it?  I’d love to see your comments below. 

I am grateful to Bridget Belgrave, certified trainer in Nonviolent Communication, for sharing this link to a video taken from the security camera of a mobile phone shop in the US.  The video shows how the shop’s manager, faced with a would-be armed robber, engages him in conversation and shows she understands what he is going through.  At the point at which she tells him that she will have to make up any shortfall that results from a theft he decides to leave.

The manager is showing one of the fundamental qualities of empathy – the ability to connect with their shared humanity and to engage with him as a real person rather than from a place of fear.  Her care for the would-be thief is striking.  In the case of this young manager it seems to be her Christian faith that inspires her, though this does not mean you have to be a Christian or have any religious faith to provide empathy.

So, if you are seeking to develop your ability to show empathy, take a look at the video on this BBC News Page.  To what extent are you able to engage with other people in your life from this place of seeking to understand them as fellow human beings?

Today I decided to share my needs with the man from the call centre who wanted to sell me services I didn’t want to buy. When he said he wanted to ask me some questions about my current service provision I knew from experience that this might lead to a conversation about how I could get better, cheaper services with his company.  I did not want to go down this path, and I told him so.  In addition, I was already wary of the “I’m wanting to have this conversation because it meets your needs” routine that is encoded in so many call centre scripts.  Here’s a brief extract from our conversation:

Call centre man:  Do you mind if I ask you which company you’re using at the moment?
Me:  Actually, that’s not how I’d like to spend my time today as I have some commitments I want to fulfil.
Call centre man:  It won’t take long.
Me:  May I just check with you – would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say so that I can check that I made myself clear?
Call centre man:  Are you telling me that you don’t want to save money on your broadband services?
Me:  No, that’s not what I said.  And I do have a need to be heard and understood that’s not being met here and I notice that I am feeling some anger right now…

Our conversation reminded me just how often we find it hard to hear and be present to the needs of others.  I could identify any number of reasons for this which all lead back to the same Mother-of-all-Reasons:  because we live in a culture in which we think there is such a thing as “right” or “wrong”, believing that this is some independent and objective truth for which we are searching rather than believing that this is a concept we use in pursuit of power and control.

What about the man from the call centre?  Whether correctly or not, one thing I infer from the comment “Are you telling me that you don’t want to save money on your broadband services?” is that my partner in conversation is wanting to meet his own needs and that he isn’t owning what they are:  he isn’t being honest about his true aims.  If he really wants to be of service, he would be attuned to my desire to choose how I spend my time and support me by getting off the phone after a respectful goodbye.  It’s not entirely clear what needs he is trying to meet – the needs that might be met by getting X number of clients to buy today.  (And I could say that yes, the conversation is scripted and he is following somebody else’s guidance about what to say.  Still, he has chosen the job in which he has to execute this script again and again and again and – I believe – he has made this choice because to do this job and to earn the salary it provides helps him to meet needs he can identify).

I see a level of self-honesty as an important pre-condition for empathy.  When I can be very clear with myself about what needs I am trying to meet I am more likely to be able to empathise with my partner in conversation.  This is not just about conversations with strangers from distant call centres:

• When a senior executive can own her enthusiasm for a particular path or project she is more likely to recognise that when she responds to a colleague’s request to be heard by making a suggestion in line with her preferred path she is not responding to her colleague’s need for empathy so much as seeking to meet her own needs;
• When a father can own how scared he is of the prospect of his daughter learning to drive and be honest with himself about about his needs and about those actions he is taking to meet his needs he is more likely to be able to be present to his daughter and her excitment when she thinks about the increased level of autonomy that learning to drive will give her;
• When a line manager can own his anxieties about speaking openly with a much-loved employee about his recent poor performance he is more likely to be able to address his needs by holding an open and honest conversation with the person concerned.  What’s more, this level of self-honesty makes it far less likely that the line manager will see his choice to hold back as “protecting his employee”.

To be able to be present to and honest about our own needs whilst also being present to the needs of others, even when it seems impossible for the needs of both parties to be met, belongs to the post-graduate school of empathy – a level that many of us never reach.  Is it possible – maybe even for all of us? – to reach this level.  It’s my experience that empathy can be learned.  How?  That’s a posting for another day – so please keep reading.

PS  And was I present to the needs of the man from the call centre in my conversation today?  No.  Today I was asking for empathy without offering it.  Maybe next time. 

Sometimes, leaders in organisations come to coaching with a yearning to develop their ability to empathise and this is no surprise, since our culture, including our workplace culture, does not always favour the use of empathy.  So when one of my colleagues on the Training Journal Daily Digest asked for recommendations for practical reading on developing empathy I made my contribution and also looked out for the contributions of others.

This is what I wrote, which will come as no surprise to regular readers of my blog:

Developing empathy…. my top reading recommendation would be Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life.

I don’t think you can beat Rosenberg’s approach to empathy. For those of us who are naturally empathetic it helps us to develop an approach to empathy which maintains clear boundaries. To those of us for whom empathy is a bit of a foreign country it provides very clear distinctions (e.g. between the needs we have and the strategies by which we seek to meet them) and very clear steps for providing empathy.

Given that you are looking for something for an executive client I would want to acknowledge the book’s potential limitations. The subtitle (‘create your life, relationships and your world in harmony with your values’), the visuals of the front cover and even some of the terms used can be a step or two outside the comfort zone of some people who are used to the FT as their daily reading. In other words, the book is targeted at human beings rather than at executives. Having said that, I have recommended it to a number of executive clients and I’ve never had this back as a comment. More often, they are immensely grateful for the recommendation and go on to apply their learning in a variety of contexts.


Recently, and from the same ‘school’ of nonviolent communication, colleagues have recommended a second book which is aimed at executives, Words That Work in Business: A Practical Guide to Effective Communication in the Workplace, by Ike Ilaster. I haven’t read it yet but I do notice that it starts with input on self empathy and empathy for others.

I look forward with curiosity to others’ recommendations.

PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.