Category Archives: Emotional Intelligence

The globalisation of empathy

Emotional Intelligence,

In recent decades scientists have been studying the role that empathy plays, work that is increasingly known and understood thanks to a range of authors including ’emotional intelligence (EI) guru’ Daniel Goleman. In my own work I have engaged deeply with emotional intelligence, conducting large-scale research projects in corporations to understand what differentiates their most outstanding leaders (without fail, aspects of their EI abilities), assessing leaders for senior roles, and working in deep coaching partnership with leaders and other individuals who want to develop their emotional intelligence in order fully to step into their capabilities and make a difference in the world.

But what difference? On Monday I heard a new and challenging take on the role of empathy when I listened to Jeremy Rifkin speak at the RSA about his new book The Empathic Civilization.

As I begin to write, let it be said that Rifkin is an exciting and fascinating speaker. At the beginning of his hour-long lecture he took out his glasses and his (is it me, or were they a little scruffy-looking?) notes and began to take his audience on an exciting, stimulating and deeply thought-provoking journey. I was struck by his combination of sharp mind, warmth and empathy. Not once did I see him look at his notes.

What did I take from his talk? His central thesis, supported by all sorts of facts, figures and academic research, is that we have entered the Age of Empathy just as we are heading towards global disaster as a result of our disproportionate and unsustainable use of the planet’s natural resources. The question is, shall we reach a point of developing the depth of empathy for populations around the world that it will take to avert disaster? And shall we reach this point in time? These are compelling questions to which we do not yet have answers.

I was also interested in some of the ground Rifkin covered along the way, including his response to questions at the end of his talk. He cited the internet as a model for the kind of world we need to create if we are going to avert this crisis, because of its open and collaborative qualities. What if, for example, instead of building centralised energy sources, we were to harness local energy sources (sun, wind, rain etc.) and share any energy we don’t need ourselves via some kind of distributive network? This is particularly important since building has the highest carbon footprint (followed by beef production, and only then traffic).

Now, in writing this brief posting I have a fear of totally butchering Rifkin’s thinking. So as well as directing you to Amazon (via the link above) in case you want to read a copy of his book, I also invite you to have a root around the RSA’s website where a recording of his presentation as well as brief video extracts will be posted some time very soon.

Empathy’s natural, nurturing it helps

Emotional Intelligence, ,

Research into ’emotional intelligence’ highlights the importance of empathy – the ability to identify and connect with the feelings and experience of another. This is not quite the same as sympathy, when an individual recognises feelings in another which they also hold. When we are sympathetic, those with whom we sympathise can experience confusion and frustration (“hang on, is it me or you we’re talking about here?!”). When we are able to demonstrate empathy, we are able both to hold another in a safe emotional space no matter what their emotions – a wonderful skill for a parent, manager, coach etc. – and to understand the effect our actions might have or have had on another.

In short, empathy provides the basis for creating a particular kind of environment – followers of non-violent communication might call it a compassionate environment – in which individuals are able to attend to each others’ feelings without judgement. In this environment, it is more likely that everyone’s needs will be understood and respected. This in turn makes it more likely that everyone’s needs will be met.

At the same time, whatever our innate ability, it does seem that many of us lack the skills of empathy or fail to exercise them. Today, I was curious to receive a link to an article about empathy in the New York Times, entitled Empathy is natural, but nurturing it helps. Reading this article raised several questions for me.

My first question is this: to what extent is it possible that an individual might have no innate capacity to develop the skills to empathise with another? The article mentions those people who have autistism or schizophrenia and suggests they may be wholly or partially lacking in this innate ability. As I write I wonder if a key challenge for the majority of people with limited innate ability is not so much the total inability to empathise as the failure to learn the skills of empathy. For whilst well-meaning parents, teachers and other adults may well invoke the need to show consideration, not all of them demonstrate empathy (‘lead by example’) and fewer still are able to break empathy down into its component parts.

As I second question, I wonder: to what extent are there people who, lacking skills in empathy, do not have the capacity to acquire them later in life? In truth, I am more optimistic than not that for many – the majority? – of adults it is possible to acquire them. For some, this will involve undoing the damage caused by growing up in an environment in which emotions were discouraged or dismissed. For many, it will involve becoming aware of abilities they already have and of which they were not aware. Approaches ranging from therapy through neurolinguistic programming and nonviolent communication right through to business approaches such as Roger Schwarz’s skilled facilitator approach all help individuals to develop self empathy and empathy towards others – skills that go hand in hand.

And what of those people who, on the surface, ‘can’t’ develop empathy skills? I would hazard a guess that, for the vast majority of these people the ‘impossible’ is perfectly possible and begins with a very simply step: believing they can. For once this belief is present, it is a matter of exploration to discover new ways of doing things and to develop new skills.

Playing to win

Emotional Intelligence

Every now and again life’s well-laid plans suddenly seem inappropriate and a new plan – radically different from the old one – seems appropriate. This could be your plan for the week, month or year. At mid-life it could be your plan for the whole of your life. Sometimes, the invitation beckons and you get to choose – do I sign up for the big change or do I stick with the old plan? Part of signing up to the new plan is acting in faith. Often signing up to the new plan involves embracing uncertainty.

This has been my own experience at the start to 2010, when a few chance conversations have set me off in new directions. One of these has been to bring forward my plans for embarking on the journey towards applying for my accreditation as a Professionally Certified Coach with the International Coach Federation. The second has been my decision to sign up with Kathy Mallary to her programme for coaches (see http://www.spiritspring.com/2010-empowerment-program), a chance to step back from the day to day running of my business and to take a fresh look at my sales and marketing. Other plans have been put on hold.

Kathy’s programme is framed by her passion for ‘playing to win’. By chance, one friend recently described the midlife crisis as ‘playing to win (whilst weeping)’. Another colleague recently described how, at midlife, a window opens up – a time in which the healing of old wounds is possible – and later closes down. If our inner work is not done during this period, the opportunity may be lost.

Whether at mid-life or not, I enjoyed Kathy’s description – as part of her information about the programme she is offering – of playing to win. I reproduce it here, with her permission:

When you’re playing to win:

  • You’re centered and clear;
  • You’re feeling confident, resilient and empowered;
  • You’re in the flow; life is happening for you rather than to you;
  • It’s easier to have faith;
  • You have more freedom;
  • Your capacity for abundance, success and joy is expanding;
  • Your relationships are more harmonious;
  • You’re using your values to help you make important decisions;
  • You’re inspiring others around you to play to win;
  • You’re having fun!

You know you’re playing to lose when:

  • You hold back and play it safe;
  • You’re afraid to let go of control;
  • You hide your feelings;
  • You worry that there’s not enough (money or time – or whatever);
  • You feel defensive, resentful or resigned;
  • You don’t keep your agreements;
  • You put things off until later;
  • You get hung up on perfectionism;
  • You feel overwhelmed or trapped;
  • You think you need to avoid, deflect or prevent something.

And lest you, dear reader, are ‘hung up on perfectionism’ as you read this, I’d like to add that playing to win is a matter of degree. So whilst you not be all the way there yet, each small step you take has the potential to bring you closer to playing to win.

The anatomy of an action

Emotional Intelligence, ,

Currently, it seems that all sorts of snippets are coming my way about the way the brain works and the impact on such things as emotional intelligence. I am reminded of the French phrase jamais deux sans trois – receiving the brief description below, it’s as if all the buses have turned up at once.

I was curious about the following brief description of an experiment by Benjamin Libet, who died in 2007. Libet’s experiments challenged our traditional view of how we make decisions. This description was part of an invitation to a talk this evening which, sadly, I am unable to attend.

Benjamin Libet (1916-2007) was a pioneering scientist in the field of human consciousness. His classic experiment showed that when subjects were asked to press a button, prior to their decision to do so, their unconscious brains had already started getting them ready to act. This implies that things happen in the following order: first comes automatic brain activity, then a conscious decision, then the action itself.

These findings seem to challenge our common sense idea of ourselves. ‘We’ seem to be nothing more than conscious decision-makers with the occasional power of veto over unconscious forces.

The role of the unconscious mind has been the subject of exploration and conjecture throughout history. Freud stands out in the twentieth Century as having made attempts to understand the unconscious mind, for example, and many therapeutic approaches explore the unconscious.

I think of neurolinguistic programming (or NLP) as one area in my own experience which engages with the unconscious mind on an ongoing basis, recognising that it’s possible to speak directly to the unconscious, and also inviting the unconscious to speak. As I write I recognise how many questions in coaching are addressed directly to the unconscious mind.

We live in an extraordinary era in the science of the brain, an era in which, increasingly, scientists are able to understand what is actually happening in the brain that creates the behaviours we observe. I regret that I shall not be hearing more about this this evening.

When science proves ancient wisdom: the empathy neurons

Emotional Intelligence, ,

In the late twentieth century and early twenty-first century, our understanding of the brain has accelerated to an extraordinary degree. Some of this work has been brought to a wide audience (if you like, ‘popularised’) by Daniel Goleman in his books on Emotional Intelligence.

Sometimes, the new brain science helps us to make sense of things we already knew. Why is it, for example, that to visualise something ahead of time (from having a baby to winning the Olympics) is to make it far more likely that it will happen? How is it that we are able to empathise with others? To what degree is the Eastern philosophical idea that we are all connected (and that any idea that we are not is an illusion) an objective truth?

Today, I enjoyed watching VS Ramachandran sharing just 8 minutes’ worth of new science, in which he describes the role played by ‘mirror neurons’. You can find this clip at http://www.ted.com/ under the heading The neurons that shaped civilization.

I am grateful to Gina Lawrie for sharing this clip. Gina is one of the UK’s foremost trainers in the field of Nonviolent Communication – and happy to see more and more examples of science proving ancient wisdom.

To be or not to be

Emotional Intelligence, , ,

Shona Cameron, one of my colleagues in the world of Nonviolent Communication (or NVC) sends through a link to a fascinating article in the Guardian about something called e-prime: This column will change your life: to be or not to be…

The article, by Oliver Burkeman, refers to an idea I had not come across before. David Bourland, proposes – in an essay about something he calls e-prime – to eliminate the use of the verb “to be”. Burkeman references one of Bourland’s teachers, Alfred Korzybski, known especially for his assertion that “the map is not the territory”.

It seems to me that Bourland’s idea, put forward some 45 years ago, reflects Korzybski’s teaching. For if you can no longer say “John is lazy”, you are obliged to find some other way of putting your idea forward, perhaps a way that reflects you own responsibility for reaching this conclusion (“It’s my view that John does not work as hard as some of his colleagues”, for example). This new linguistic turn of phrase does more to highlight the gap between the map and the territory it seeks to represent, making clear the role of the viewer in the viewing. Perhaps this different turn of phrase might even highlight this gap to the viewer and invite greater self-accountability. How many performance appraisals might be transformed by such a fine distinction? How many family arguments might never take place?

The article’s author asserts that e-prime never really caught on and yet the distinctions made by Bourland and Korzybski have found their way into many schools of thinking. Our ability to distinguish between what we observe and our response to what we observe is an essential part of Nonviolent Communication, for example, whilst Korzybski’s phrase “the map is not the territory” has been adopted as a core presupposition in the world of Neurolinguistic Programming (or NLP).

How widely understood is the gap between the “map” and the “territory”? Not very. One might even observe that in any relationship in which one party wishes to expercise power and influence it can help to obscure the distinction. If, though, we aspire to honest open relationships in which people make free, informed choices, we might find that e-prime’s elimination of the verb “to be” invites greater transparency of thought.

Mmm… before I press the “publish post” button, let me just check this posting for my use of the verb “to be”…

Developing your “match fitness”: celebrating success

Emotional Intelligence, ,

Several weeks into starting her new business, Barbara was feeling down. She had yet to land her first contract and felt fearful when she looked ahead, worried that her first sale would not come in time for her to meet her financial commitments. The more she felt this way, the harder she found it to take action towards her goals.

Some people tell themselves that focusing on the gap between where they are and where they want to be will provide the motivation to move forward. Barbara’s experience, however, suggests that the opposite is true. In a business which depends on building relationships over time, it was realistic that it would take several months for her to land her first contract and Barbara had made plans for this. At the same time, as long as she focussed on “winning the contract” as her only measure of success, she found it hard to get started in the morning and even harder to find the motivation to take action towards such a distant goal.

Barbara’s motivation improved dramatically when she started to celebrate each small step towards her goal, including the steps that others took on her behalf. This change of emphasis meant that she could take time at the end of each day to notice and celebrate her successes. Even steps she judged to be unsuccessful were nonetheless steps. Celebrating in this way helped Barbara to become “match fit” to take action towards her goals.

Here are some questions to help you to explore the extent to which you are able to celebrate success:

  • What is the balance of your attention at present and how much of it goes towards those things that are moving you in the right direction?
  • What credit do you give yourself for those actions you take towards your goals?
  • To what extent do you celebrate those actions others take that help you to move forward?
  • To what extent can you celebrate success without hearing an inner voice that judges you or seeks to guide you in some other direction?

What additional questions come up for you when you think about the extent to which you celebrate success?

Developing your “match fitness”: voting for what you want

Emotional Intelligence,

Several years after he had embarked on a career with an international firm, Shaun had enjoyed a series of promotions and was travelling extensively in his job. The feedback from the company’s directors suggested he would be in line for a promotion to the senior levels of the firm’s management.

Shaun had set out to contribute through his work to the well-being of his family. He had seen how distant his parents had become and had felt the impact in his own childhood. He was determined to do it differently. As well as contributing to the finances of his family he wanted to maintain a loving relationship with his wife and to be present as a father to his children.

At the same time, the further Shaun climbed the career ladder, the more his relationship with his family was becoming strained. His wife felt the burden of looking after their children whilst Shaun was away on business and their relationship with each other was beginning to suffer. The children were showing signs of “treading on eggshells” around their parents. Shaun was feeling low.

Shaun had set out to place his family at the centre of his concerns and yet, over time, he had lost sight of this aim. He had started instead to vote for career progress. It was time for him to start voting for what he really wanted.

Voting for what you want is about taking actions that support your most valued intentions. This may be about taking steps towards your goals. It may be about behaving in line with your values. It is certainly about how you spend your time.

Here are some questions to help you to explore what it means for you to vote for what you want:

  • To what extent does the way you spend your time match those things you most want in your life?
  • To what extent are you guided in your choices by a clear sense of what you want?
  • What are the areas in which there is a gap between what you want and the choices you’re making?
  • What needs are you meeting by the actions you take in those areas in which you are not voting for what you want?

I wonder, what other questons are waiting to be explored by you in the area of voting for what you want?

Developing your “match fitness”: learning to learn

Emotional Intelligence,

As an employee, Alex was beginning to feel a sense of desperation at the number of times he’d given generously to employers only to see how they promoted others ahead of him. The voice in his head told him he was being taken for a ride. What’s more, Alex noticed that those colleagues who were being promoted ahead of him were people he didn’t rate. He couldn’t see what work they were doing and they seemed to be taking all the glory.

Alex was married with young children and he was beginning to feel particularly sour about the impact on his wife and children. He felt he deserved faster promotion and higher pay. One day, when he shared his feelings with a colleague, his colleague asked him if he’d made any enquiries to find out what was slowing his promotion prospects. Only then did Alex think to ask his manager what he could do to achieve promotion.

Whilst Alex was nervous about asking for feedback, the feedback his manager gave him enabled him to understand some of the assumptions he was making and to adjust his approach in the light of new information. For Alex, this was the beginning of learning to learn.

The committed learner brings an approach to all situations which is open to learning. This approach presupposes that fears are there to be faced, that those people whom we find most challenging are our best teachers, that those situations we find most difficult provide opportunities to learn. These are the people who, in our current recession, are looking for the learning that adversity can bring.

Here are some questions to help you to explore how “match fit” you are in the area of learning:

  • As you look back over recent years, what have been your biggest areas of learning?
  • What does your learning in recent years tell you about your readiness to learn – or learning “muscle”?
  • To what extent do you look for the learning in situations you find challenging or when faced with people you find difficult?
  • How would you describe yourself as a learner?
  • How does learning support you in making progress towards your aspirations?

What additional questions would you offer in relation to learning to learn?

Developing your “match fitness”: making adjustments en route

Emotional Intelligence,

When Jamie took on the leadership of a team of colleagues in her accounting firm, she was given a thorough briefing by her predecessor-in-role about each member of her team. She used this briefing to decide on her initial strategy for managing the team and members of the team.

She knew that her predecessor saw one member of the team (John) as a poor performer. He had described John as lazy and told Jamie how often he’d had to check that John had completed his work. Although she listened carefully to this diagnosis, Jamie made a note to be curious and to reach her own conclusions.

Initially, Jamie observed how meticulous John was in his work. His clients spoke highly of him and Jamie observed how he completed his work on time and to a high standard. She was increasingly mystified by her predecessor’s observations. About two months after she took on her leadership role, however, she had a letter from a client who had asked John to complete a piece of work. The client had not heard from John and he hadn’t received the help he’d asked for.

Jamie decided to share the letter with John and ask for his observations. As John talked, Jamie observed changes to his body language and wondered what they signified. She decided to ask him straight out. John told her that when he’d received the letter from the client he’d looked at his diary and realised he couldn’t do the work on time and meet his other client commitments. He’d used the team’s allocation system to ask for help and the work had been passed to another colleague. It was his understanding that the work was in someone else’s hands. At the same time, this wasn’t the first time he’d been hit with a surprise of this sort.

Jamie decided to look into the way the allocation system was working and discovered a political issue of which she’d been unaware. The person responsible for tracking the flow of work through the department and re-allocating work when necessary had made a number of errors over time. She learned that her predecessor had been aware of this and chosen to turn a blind eye. Jamie decided it was time to stop focussing on John and to start focusing on the wider context in which he was working.

Whilst Jamie’s approach looks straightforward on the surface, she did something that many people overlook – at times if not all the time – by remaining curious, inviting new information and adjusting her approach in the light of new information. The results of her efforts were a number of changes to a system which just wasn’t working.

Here are some questions to help you to identify the extent to which you are curious, inviting new information and adjusting your approach in the light of what you learn:

  • How open are you to new information about the effectiveness of your approach, including feedback about others’ perceptions?
  • In what ways do you proactively seek out new information?
  • To what extent do you build in ways to get feedback as part of planning your approach?
  • How willing are you to make adjustments to your approach in the light of new information?
  • In what ways has your willingness to seek information and adjust your approach contributed to your effectiveness, happiness and well-being and over what period?

What additional questions would you offer in relation to making adjustments en route?