Category Archives: Emotional Intelligence

The dance of acceptance

Emotional Intelligence,

What does it mean to “see” another and to “be seen”?  How do we know when we are being seen?  And how does this link to meeting our need for acceptance?  These questions came up in conversation today and I found myself pondering them on the train on my way to a meeting.

Marshall Rosenberg, author of perhaps my most treasured book, Nonviolent Communication:  A Language for Life, identifies the need for acceptance as a need we all share – a universal need.  Just for now I am going to define the need for acceptance as the need to be seen in the round and to be accepted as we are.  You will notice that by this definition the need for acceptance and the question of being “seen” are tied up one with another.

So, our need is met when we know that we are seen (if you like, that others notice things about us that are true and respond to these, rather than focusing their attention on some idea of what or how we “ought” to be or imagining things to be true which are not) and we know that we are accepted for who we are. 

Even as I begin to write I recognise that, in practice, this is an area full of paradoxes and conundrums.  One of these, amongst many, lies in the question of what is “true” about us.  Families are full of truths which can jar with individual family members even though they may recognise the objective truth of each statement (“he’s the bright one” or “she’s the outgoing one”) because they reduce the individual to a single trait and one, what’s more, which is assigned to them by comparison with other family members.  So, even whilst we recognise the description that is assigned to us we do not have a felt sense of being seen.  Somehow something deeper is required.

And then there’s another conundrum.  Psychologists have a whole list of terms to describe the processes by which we accept parts of ourselves and reject others – this process, too, has its roots in our upbringing.  Constant comparison with a more extrovert sibling, for example, may lead an individual to think he is shy when no-one outside the family would see him as such.  Or we may reject some of our greatest strengths or talents and develop a “golden shadow”, so that when someone comments on our extraordinary skill in this area we do not feel we have been seen because we are not seeing ourselves in the round.  And because of this, our need for acceptance is not met.

And then there’s the question of the evolving self.  For whilst some qualities may be woven through us like a thread of gold others may be our adaptive (or maladaptive) response to the particular circumstances of our life at a particular point in time.  If we cast these responses into the concrete belief that they represent us as we truly are we may alienate ourselves from possibilities for growth and for getting to know ourselves.

And perhaps this brings us to an underlying thread when it comes to our need to be seen and accepted.  The truth is, our need for acceptance can be and is met to the extent that we are on the road towards knowing and accepting ourselves.  This suggests the need to be in rapport with ourselves – to be willing and able to notice what is true of us both in the round and at a particular moment in time.  It also suggests being in rapport with another who is able to see us and share with us what they see in ways which we can hear and understand.  And for that other to be a true witness, it implies someone who in turn is able to be present to him- or herself  before he or she can be a witness to another.

This is the dance of acceptance:  of seeing and of being seen.

PS  Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Coming alive

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“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive.
And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Howard Thurman

I am savouring this quote this morning, which speaks to so much that I hold to be true.

Perhaps one of the most important decisions we make in our lives is this:  do we act in the belief that we need to shape ourselves to what the world wants if we are to meet our needs, including our most fundamental needs for safety and survival, or do we act in the belief that we are part of something larger than ourselves, that we are called to contribute to this larger whole and will be supported and sustained as we explore and manifest our greater contribution?

As I write I reflect on the many men and women I have interviewed over the years to assess their suitability for senior leadership roles.  There are some who act in the awareness of this larger whole and of the contribution they are called to make.  Their energy is infectious – engaging and inspiring.  These are the men and women I feel drawn to spend time with.

As a coach to senior leaders, I notice how much I feel drawn to work in partnership with those men and women who, in some way, are manifesting the energy which might be called the living energy of their true self.  It could be that they are already in touch with this energy or it might be that this energy is shining through them despite their best efforts to overlook it.  Still, it is there.  How wonderful to work in partnership with clients as they learn to connect with their inner wisdom and guidance – to trust themselves – and in this way to uncover their true path.

And what about you?  It’s possible that these words have no resonance for you – perhaps you have already ceased to read.  Maybe you have questions, such as “how can I know that one or another belief is true?”  The answer is – you can’t.  Each belief is just a belief.  And given that it is just a belief, you might as well choose the belief that serves you best, right now, in this moment.

And in case you’re wondering which belief to choose I offer you this question to guide you:  which belief is most likely to help you to come alive?

Developing your empathy: learning from intimate relationships

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Recently I wrote at length about empathy and made a mental note to write about the “how” of empathy – both of giving and receiving empathy and of how you develop it if you’re not there yet.  I haven’t yet fulfilled this promise I made to myself so, when I was sent a link to a podcast by Kelly Bryson I took time to listen.

Kelly is talking about empathy in the context of intimate relationships, including sexual relationships.  And let’s be clear, if ever there’s a context in which challenging emotions and emotional pain are triggered it’s in our most intimate relationships.  Over the years, our failure to “mop up the mess” of our misunderstandings can drive us apart or create an inbuilt “toxicity” in our relationships.  Kelly’s podcast talks through some of the elements of Nonviolent Communication and how they can be used in intimate relationships to give and receive empathy.  In this way we can clean up the messes as they occur and – over time – build, restore and maintain trust.  It also completes with two exercises for giving and receiving empathy and building connection.

What is the relevance of this in our professional lives?  I could say so much about this.  Firstly, insofar as we carry the hurt of our unmet need for empathy in our private lives, we are likely to be sensitive in our professional lives – and so are others.  This is a common human experience, encoded in the most ancient parts of our brains.  Learning to give ourselves empathy or to ask for the empathy we need makes us more able in our work to be present in the here and now rather than to be triggered by “old stuff”.  As leaders, it helps to know that this is true for those we lead, too.  With this understanding we can see and respo9nd to the behaviours and responses of our staff in their wider human context.

And what else?  Well, for now, perhaps it helps to know that the skills for giving and receiving empathy are the same no matter what the context.  For this reason I share Kelly’s podcast as a resource for all my readers.  And if you do choose to listen to it, will you let me know what you take from it?  I’d love to see your comments below. 

Work/life balance: what if time has nothing to do with it?

Emotional Intelligence,

As I write I am looking forward to the holiday I’ll be on when you read this posting.  I was curious today about the following question, posted on the Human Resources UK forum on LinkedIn:  Work/life balance – what is the right percentage?  This is what I wrote by way of response:

Percentage of what? Are you assuming that this is a matter of how much time an individual spends on work and on other-than-work? My experience suggests that this may be missing the point.

For example, the person who is in the wrong job – one that is not a good match for his skills and underlying sense of purpose – may lack work/life balance no matter what the hours he works. Or the person who has become wealthy and retired early and yet who lacks a sense of what to do with all that time may also struggle. At the same time, the person whose work is offering challenges which in turn provide deep learning and healing for the soul may be fulfilled in ways which spill over into every corner of his or her life even whilst the balance of time between work and home is totally precarious.

So here’s a question for you and others – what if time has nothing to do with work/life balance?

Empathy in practice: free of enemy images

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I am grateful to Bridget Belgrave, certified trainer in Nonviolent Communication, for sharing this link to a video taken from the security camera of a mobile phone shop in the US.  The video shows how the shop’s manager, faced with a would-be armed robber, engages him in conversation and shows she understands what he is going through.  At the point at which she tells him that she will have to make up any shortfall that results from a theft he decides to leave.

The manager is showing one of the fundamental qualities of empathy – the ability to connect with their shared humanity and to engage with him as a real person rather than from a place of fear.  Her care for the would-be thief is striking.  In the case of this young manager it seems to be her Christian faith that inspires her, though this does not mean you have to be a Christian or have any religious faith to provide empathy.

So, if you are seeking to develop your ability to show empathy, take a look at the video on this BBC News Page.  To what extent are you able to engage with other people in your life from this place of seeking to understand them as fellow human beings?

Empathy begins at home

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Today I decided to share my needs with the man from the call centre who wanted to sell me services I didn’t want to buy. When he said he wanted to ask me some questions about my current service provision I knew from experience that this might lead to a conversation about how I could get better, cheaper services with his company.  I did not want to go down this path, and I told him so.  In addition, I was already wary of the “I’m wanting to have this conversation because it meets your needs” routine that is encoded in so many call centre scripts.  Here’s a brief extract from our conversation:

Call centre man:  Do you mind if I ask you which company you’re using at the moment?
Me:  Actually, that’s not how I’d like to spend my time today as I have some commitments I want to fulfil.
Call centre man:  It won’t take long.
Me:  May I just check with you – would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say so that I can check that I made myself clear?
Call centre man:  Are you telling me that you don’t want to save money on your broadband services?
Me:  No, that’s not what I said.  And I do have a need to be heard and understood that’s not being met here and I notice that I am feeling some anger right now…

Our conversation reminded me just how often we find it hard to hear and be present to the needs of others.  I could identify any number of reasons for this which all lead back to the same Mother-of-all-Reasons:  because we live in a culture in which we think there is such a thing as “right” or “wrong”, believing that this is some independent and objective truth for which we are searching rather than believing that this is a concept we use in pursuit of power and control.

What about the man from the call centre?  Whether correctly or not, one thing I infer from the comment “Are you telling me that you don’t want to save money on your broadband services?” is that my partner in conversation is wanting to meet his own needs and that he isn’t owning what they are:  he isn’t being honest about his true aims.  If he really wants to be of service, he would be attuned to my desire to choose how I spend my time and support me by getting off the phone after a respectful goodbye.  It’s not entirely clear what needs he is trying to meet – the needs that might be met by getting X number of clients to buy today.  (And I could say that yes, the conversation is scripted and he is following somebody else’s guidance about what to say.  Still, he has chosen the job in which he has to execute this script again and again and again and – I believe – he has made this choice because to do this job and to earn the salary it provides helps him to meet needs he can identify).

I see a level of self-honesty as an important pre-condition for empathy.  When I can be very clear with myself about what needs I am trying to meet I am more likely to be able to empathise with my partner in conversation.  This is not just about conversations with strangers from distant call centres:

  • When a senior executive can own her enthusiasm for a particular path or project she is more likely to recognise that when she responds to a colleague’s request to be heard by making a suggestion in line with her preferred path she is not responding to her colleague’s need for empathy so much as seeking to meet her own needs;
  • When a father can own how scared he is of the prospect of his daughter learning to drive and be honest with himself about about his needs and about those actions he is taking to meet his needs he is more likely to be able to be present to his daughter and her excitment when she thinks about the increased level of autonomy that learning to drive will give her;
  • When a line manager can own his anxieties about speaking openly with a much-loved employee about his recent poor performance he is more likely to be able to address his needs by holding an open and honest conversation with the person concerned.  What’s more, this level of self-honesty makes it far less likely that the line manager will see his choice to hold back as “protecting his employee”.

To be able to be present to and honest about our own needs whilst also being present to the needs of others, even when it seems impossible for the needs of both parties to be met, belongs to the post-graduate school of empathy – a level that many of us never reach.  Is it possible – maybe even for all of us? – to reach this level.  It’s my experience that empathy can be learned.  How?  That’s a posting for another day – so please keep reading.

PS  And was I present to the needs of the man from the call centre in my conversation today?  No.  Today I was asking for empathy without offering it.  Maybe next time. 

A practical demonstration of empathy

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This week I have been writing about empathy and, once again, I am immensely grateful to my colleague in the world of NVC, Jeroen Lichtenauer, for highlighting the availability on YouTube of a recorded session in which the highly influential American psychologist, Carl Rogers, seeks to demonstrate his client-centred approach to therapy with a woman called Gloria.  This is, essentially, a practical demonstration of empathy.

This session is part of a programme or programmes which sought to compare three different types of therapy which were popular at the time (by my guess, in the late 1950s or early 1960s).  In the series, the same woman – Gloria – visits three different psychologists who demonstrate the approaches they are using.

Gloria, a woman divorced at a time when divorce was still uncommon, comes to Rogers hoping he will answer the dilemma she faces as she remembers that she lied to her daughter when asked if she had had sex with another man since divorcing her father.  Gloria wants to be honest with her daughter and at the same time she yearns for her daughter’s acceptance and fears that her daughter will not accept her if she is honest about her post-marital sexual experiences.

Rogers’ approach gradually uncovers the extent to which Gloria is able to give herself empathy and self-acceptance.  At the same time, Rogers’ willingness to support Gloria in exploring her own experience and his lack of judgement makes it increasingly likely that Gloria will take steps towards greater self acceptance.

The programme is posted as a series of clips and the links are below:

Carl Rogers and Gloria:  Part One
Carl Rogers and Gloria:  Part Two
Carl Rogers and Gloria:  Part Three
Carl Rogers and Gloria:  Part Four
Carl Rogers and Gloria:  Part Five

What is empathy, anyway, and why does it matter?

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We can say that when a person finds himself sensitively and accurately understood, he develops a set of growth promoting or therapeutic attitudes toward himself.

Carl Rogers
Empathic:  An Unappreciated Way of Being

Well, I didn’t set out to make this week Empathy Week and still, I am immensely grateful to my colleague in the world of non-violent communication (NVC), Jeroen Lichtenauer, for highlighting a wealth of resources available to support my exploration.

Today, I have been diving into a paper written by Carl Rogers, entitled Empathic:  An Unappreciated Way of Being.  Before I write about Rogers’ article it is worth saying a few words about the man himself:  Carl Rogers worked as a psychologist and therapist in twentieth century America and his work has been highly influential across a range of related fields.  As well as shaping an approach to therapy which is radically different to some of the more analytical approaches which preceded it, Rogers’ approach has been highly influential in the modern coaching profession and Marshall Rosenberg also points to Rogers as having influenced his attempts to develop an approach (eventually called Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication) which could be shared easily around the world without the costs associated with individual therapy.

Now, Rogers’ credentials are highly rated with some and yet may ring alarm bells with others.  What does all this mean for the average man or woman seeking to find a way through a corporate career?  It’s worth mentioning the work of David McClelland and his colleagues (popularised by Daniel Goleman in such books as Emotional Intelligence and Working with Emotional Intelligence).  McClelland’s research showed that our effectiveness in the workplace depends significantly on a number of competencies which depend on our emotional rather than intellectual intelligence.  Empathy matters!  And, in fact, empathy is listed as a competency in the Hay Group Emotional Competence Inventory which seeks to translate these research findings into practical ways of measuring competency and emotional intelligence at work.

Rogers’ paper includes a number of definitions of empathy including at least two of his own.  The quote above, from the conclusion of his paper, points both to what we might mean by empathy and to the significance of empathy for the individual.  Both are big subjects in themselves so let me just say for the moment that when we are able to be present to our own thoughts, feelings, experience and needs (self empathy) or to the thoughts, feelings, experience and needs of another (empathy) without judgement we open up a wide range of possibilities in our relationships and communication with self and other.  This is every bit as significant in the workplace as it is in the therapist’s office, where the presence or absence of empathy will have an effect on key aspects of our work life.  These include our ability to make and execute sound decisions as well as our personal well-being, our ability to engage those we lead as well as our ability to marshall our own inner – and often conflicting  – voices.

What is the key question we might ask our selves to determine the extent to which we are able to demonstrate empathy?  Here is my starter for ten:  am I able to put myself in the shoes of another, to connect with their feelings and needs and in this way to see multiple perspectives without needing to be “right”?

Developing empathy: recommended reading from my colleagues

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Having made my own recommendations on developing empathy (see my posting of 12th July 2010) I also looked out for recommendations from my colleagues on the Training Journal Daily Digest.  Here are their recommendations with my own comments underneath:

I would fully recommend anything by Daniel Goleman, ‘Emotional Intelligence’, ‘Social Intelligence’ or ‘The New Leaders’ for the coaching client.

The ‘Emotional Intelligence Activity Book’ by Adele B Lynn is a very practical book and covers empathy. It’s very much a how to book.

One more thought, ‘The Emotional Intelligence Quick Book’ by Travis Bradberry & Jean Greaves is a really accessible book and quite short, and it has a free online EQ test. This might be more what your client is looking for.

You could try ‘The Secret Language of Feelings: a rational approach to emotional mastery’ by Calvin Banyan (2003). Although not written from an empathy perspective, and more for the individual wanting to understand his/her own emotions, it provides insight in what’s behind our feelings.

I would add that I have worked extensively with the research on competencies and emotional intelligence that underpins Goleman’s books.  I see them as outlining in ways which are highly engaging what is meant by such things as emotional intelligence, illustrating sound research with engaging stories.  I wouldn’t typically go to these books for practical help in how to develop emotional intelligence, empathy and so on – so it’s interesting to note that the second recommendation above is described as a ‘how to’ book.

Practical approaches to developing empathy

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Sometimes, leaders in organisations come to coaching with a yearning to develop their ability to empathise and this is no surprise, since our culture, including our workplace culture, does not always favour the use of empathy.  So when one of my colleagues on the Training Journal Daily Digest asked for recommendations for practical reading on developing empathy I made my contribution and also looked out for the contributions of others.

This is what I wrote, which will come as no surprise to regular readers of my blog:

Developing empathy…. my top reading recommendation would be Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life.

I don’t think you can beat Rosenberg’s approach to empathy. For those of us who are naturally empathetic it helps us to develop an approach to empathy which maintains clear boundaries. To those of us for whom empathy is a bit of a foreign country it provides very clear distinctions (e.g. between the needs we have and the strategies by which we seek to meet them) and very clear steps for providing empathy.

Given that you are looking for something for an executive client I would want to acknowledge the book’s potential limitations. The subtitle (‘create your life, relationships and your world in harmony with your values’), the visuals of the front cover and even some of the terms used can be a step or two outside the comfort zone of some people who are used to the FT as their daily reading. In other words, the book is targeted at human beings rather than at executives. Having said that, I have recommended it to a number of executive clients and I’ve never had this back as a comment. More often, they are immensely grateful for the recommendation and go on to apply their learning in a variety of contexts.


Recently, and from the same ‘school’ of nonviolent communication, colleagues have recommended a second book which is aimed at executives, Words That Work in Business: A Practical Guide to Effective Communication in the Workplace, by Ike Ilaster. I haven’t read it yet but I do notice that it starts with input on self empathy and empathy for others.

I look forward with curiosity to others’ recommendations.

PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.