All posts by Dorothy Nesbit

A decaffeinated farewell

It’s about nine months since I decided to give up coffee.

In Month One, I did pretty well – withdrawal symptoms apart, that is. I had a whole month without drinking a cup.

My birthday proved testing. Let’s just have one celebratory cup of coffee, I thought, and reminded myself how much I enjoy the aroma, the taste, the sense of indulgence and luxury. That was it! Whilst far from being back to my daily cup, I suddenly had regular reasons to have a cup of coffee “every now and again”.

As my holiday drew to a close, I decided to give up coffee completely for a full year. That was four months ago. In truth, I’ve been surprised at how easily I’ve sat with clients in coaching sessions or in coffee shops with friends and been entirely indifferent to their coffee drinking.

Every now and again I do come away from a meeting or conversation and find, suddenly, a little voice says: “Ooooh! I’d love a cup of coffee!” I’ve come to recognise this link between the most challenging of my experiences and coffee, the great soother.

Still, I’m saying no.

Marketing for coaches: creating your “tribe”

One thing I love about the coaching community is the willingness of coaches to share. As the day (week) draws to a close I allow that some of the things I’d planned to do will not get done today and check out a couple of links my own coach, Lynne, sent me today.

The first link is to a posting that introduces Seth Godin’s book Tribes. The posting (at http://www.conferencecalltraining.com/power/?p=214) focuses on Godin’s idea that, in social networking, we are leaders – we either participate actively so that our voice can be heard (we lead) or we don’t. The author writes in the context of arranging and facilitating conference calls. I read in a wider context.

I follow a link to another posting in which Godin answers ten questions about his work and especially about his new book, Tribe. I am struck by Godin’s dinstinction between branding and the tribe. It’s not entirely new to me as a concept and still it resonates with a fresh new tone. Tribal marketing attracts followers who sign up to your story – via a blog, newsletter or other means. Members of the tribe essentially give you permission to market to them and, because they already like you, they’re glad to hear from you when you do. What’s more, because you have an affinity with them, you know how to meet their needs – you could say (my take) just by being you. Of course, Godin knows his book better than I do so you might want to start with his words not mine – at http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2008/01/tribal-manageme.html.

As I write, I realise that I am enjoying the sense of a new and fruitful idea and at the same time I’m enjoying the thought that I’m already on my way with this approach. I remember when I started my business and how surprised I was at how much work came to me immediately from people with whom I already had a trusting relationship. I think of my newsletter, my blog… Hurrah! I’m on my way!

And just as I’m about to press “publish” one more thought pops into my mind. Perhaps it’s because coaches are a natural tribe that we are so willing to share. Certainly, our commitment to coaching and to the profound benefits it can bring is such that many coaches are delighted to refer people to clients, trusting that this will be a win for everyone concerned.

Celebrating my readers

It’s six months today since I wrote my first posting on this blog. This has been a step on the path towards recognising how much I love to write and manifesting my joy in writing in ways which others who want to – many others I hope – can share.

As I sit here today, I am looking forward to all sorts of writing plans for the future. Some of my immediate plans involve technology as much as writing. In 2009 I’d like to pull together some of the writing I am already doing to create a coordinated whole – a new website with links to my blog and also my regular newsletters. Given this and other plans, I shall soon be looking for the right technological partner to work with.

As I write, I notice that whether or not anyone reads it, I am enjoying writing this blog. It gives me so much joy to be able to express myself in this way. I am enjoying using this blog as a repository for all sorts of resources and information. I love the experience of taking a few moments to reflect – be it a late ‘tea break’, the sharing of some new information or a more coordinated series of postings.

And still, even whilst enjoying this lonesome pursuit, I feel so grateful when I think of those people who, together, constitute my readers. You do not know each other. Often I do not know you are reading. Until, that is, you let me know of your struggles to leave a comment or that you know about my recent visit to Dubai, or… or… or… I thank you for your reading, which connects us even when we don’t speak. I celebrate this connection.

The power of the mid-term coaching review

I have mentioned before the practice I have with a colleague of conducting coaching reviews at the end of coaching assignments. Our reciprocal arrangement – to interview each other’s clients – gives clients a space in which they can say whatever comes to mind without fear of offending. It’s an invaluable source of feedback and learning for us, helping us to develop our coaching skills as well as to close our coaching projects fully when this time comes.

As time goes on, I have more and more clients who are ‘returners’ – coming back for more coaching after a break – or longstanding clients. These are people who make an ongoing commitment to coaching. These clients have many reasons for choosing coaching as an ongoing relationship, not least because it affords them the opportunity to step back from life’s immediate demands to re-connect wth a bigger picture. The more I work with these clients, the more I am moving towards a process of mid-term coaching review and finding it invaluable.

This evening I sit with one such coaching review. It’s clear from the responses that my client has taken the opportunity to ask “what do I need at this stage in my coaching?” I drop him a line to thank him for his feedback and to suggest we take some time to agree how best to meet his needs as they are now evolving.

As ever, I am grateful to my colleague for her willingness to devote time to this process. I am grateful for the value it brings to me, to my clients.

We are all connected: but how?

What a week! In Dubai I have been deepening my understanding of the relationships amongst senior leaders in my client organisation whilst also deepening my understanding of the wider context which is Dubai.

Throughout the week I have been amongst people of many nationalities. I listened to my Pakistani taxi driver tell me last Sunday how much he dislikes Indians. I received a hearty handshake and a warm welcome from my client company’s Sudanese driver on my return. I was astonished by the number of staff members of many nationalities whose faces beamed as they welcomed me back to my hotel and asked me how I’d been since my last visit. I said no to the drink that Peter, a fellow guest whom I met on my last visit, ordered for me – and to the invitations that went with it. This morning, at Dubai airport, I was struck by the graceful beauty of an African woman who, pulling her suitcase behind her, also carried her shopping, hands free, on her head.

Since my visit in October the beginnings of a ripple effect of the global economic situation have become waves. Property prices are dropping and mortgages are going up. There is talk of a shake-out in the banking sector. Construction projects are already being scaled back. Any idea that Dubai might be recession-proof has been shown – quickly – to be untrue. In case we needed a reminder, any idea that national boundaries keep us in any way separate are hard, in this economic climate, to maintain.

And then Mumbai. As if it isn’t enough that the men responsible for a rising death-toll in Mumbai have targeted British and American people, the news is slowly emerging that a number of the men involved in perpetrating the attacks are from Britain. As I left the plane at Heathrow on my return from Dubai, the invitation to anyone who had been in Mumbai at the time of the attacks to speak with police officers on leaving the plane was a reminder of just how small the world has truly become. It’s all so close to home.

We are all connected. But how? And how do we want to be connected in future? I think of the possibilities for a world in which we choose dialogue and understanding above violence and aggression – surely our history is teaching us how little violence brings! I think of the teachings of Mahatma Gandhi and of the work, more recently, of Marshall Rosenberg in the field of nonviolent communication.

And then I come home, knowing that I cannot change the others, I can only choose my own behaviour. The journey towards non-violence begins here, with me.

Richard Hickox. May he rest in peace.

When my father died, in August 2006, I was tasked by my mother to phone a list of friends and family to break the news. My father did not die young – he was 95 – and still, I was overcome by tears in my first calls. I quickly adjusted my approach – a quick “Hello. How are you?” was somehow enough for me to be able to break the news without tears. Without exception those people I phoned responded by telling a story from their treasure chest of experiences and I gained many new perspectives on the man who was my father.

This evening, I am shocked by the news which has just reached me of the death of Richard Hickox on Sunday, 23rd November, 2008. When I joined the London Symphony Chorus in 1986 Richard was still, in the eyes of some, the new kid on the block as the chorus’ Music Director. Since that time, no year has passed without us raising our voices in response to Richard’s baton. As the news sinks in I, too, touch base with the treasure chest of my experiences.

They were not always pleasant! I remember a time when Richard, dissatisfied in rehearsal with the performance of the semi chorus had us, one by one, sing the pianissimo top G he wanted in front of our fellow singers. Standing at one end of the row I could feel a rising tension as I waited my turn. I was overcome with relief when one of my fellow sopranos told him, “Richard, I’m feeling too nervous right now to attempt this note”. It seemed to me that Richard came to his senses in this moment. I didn’t have to sing the note.

Even my most recent experience of singing with Richard was not ideal. A combination of a late change to our rehearsal schedule and a prior commitment meant that I missed two important rehearsals and had just one hour’s tutti rehearsal before our recent performance of Vaughan William’s Dona Nobis Pacem. Seated as I was in the middle of the front row I knew that, no matter how confident I felt, Richard would be seeking out my eyes, for he seemed to draw reassurance from the full attention of the long-standing members of the chorus – the “old timers”. I gave him my eyes – though not always the right notes.

To grieve is also to celebrate and as I write I am surveying the vast repertoire of music I performed with Richard and thinking of the rich fullness of my experience. I feel a great sense of loss – surely his death came too soon! I especially feel for Pamela, his wife, and for his three children. And I feel the depth of gratitude which comes with so many memories of so much music making. I feel especially grateful to have given him my eyes one last time. May he rest in peace.

Sitting with the question

I am three days into my trip to Dubai, my third trip in as many months, and I find myself sitting with a coach’s dilemma – yearning to share and committed to confidentiality.

Perhaps dilemma is not the word, for there is no dilemma when you have made your commitment to maintain client confidentiality. Nothing gets shared for which you have not been given permission.

And still, as I reflect, I wonder how to honour my clients in this posting, how to honour the readers of this blog by sharing.

Even as I write I have no answer and simply sit with the question.

Getting to know Barack Obama

In the restaurant in my hotel in Dubai I overhear two colleagues discuss the heritage of a colleague, just back from a visit to see her family in Kenya. “I thought she was from Yemen” says one. “Yes” his colleague replies, “her family is from Yemen. But she was born and brought up in Kenya”.

Born in Kenya, of Yemeni origins, working in Dubai. If, like me, you were born and brought up in one place – one house, even – it can be easy to imagine that such a diverse history is rare. Until you stop to look around you that is.

One man whose personal history includes many threads is the US President Elect, Barack Obama. Born in Hawaii of a white American mother and a Kenyan father, Barack’s upbringing took him from Hawaii to Indonesia and back again. His inner journey of discovery seems also to have spanned significant distances.

Obama came to attention when he was the first black man to be elected to a student post in Harvard. Responding to invitations from publishers to write a book, Obama wrote Dreams From My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance, which was first published in 1997. My copy, ordered shortly after the election, already includes a note of his recent election.

Boarding my flight to Dubai I have already selected Dreams From My Father as my reading for the journey and I continue to read throughout my trip. I experience Obama’s book as a personal memoir and a journey of exploration, the work of a man who is highly articulate whilst also showing great humility. Perhaps, as Obama prepares for the role of President of the United States, this book is essential reading for us all. With or without this significance, it is a thought-provoking exploration of issues of race, inheritance and social change.

TM: Getting started

When we take on a new responsibility or commitment, there is often a gap between our input and the effects over time that motivate us to get started. We make many visits to the gym before our bodies show the effects of our regular exercise – be they newly-defined muscles, increased stamina or new-found energy. The golfer makes many shots before celebrating a hole-in-one. The salesman or -woman may wear down many pairs of (real or metaphorical) shoes before the results start to show. For this reason, new beginnings require an attention to our inputs ahead of a focus on our outputs or results.

So it is for me as I begin to meditate. Over a period of about six years I have been paying attention to such evidence as I have been able to find, including the testimony of people I have met who meditate on a regular basis. I am already convinced of the benefits of a regular practice of Transcendental Meditation. Still, leaving my initial training programme on Friday, I already know that my first challenge will be to carve out time every day to meditate.

What better test of my resolve than a trip to Dubai, beginning the very next day! I plan ahead of time, deciding to spend half an hour of my taxi journey to the airport “snoozing” and another half an hour on the plane. I calculate the best time to meditate on the plane, leaving a gap between meditations and ahead of the meal that will sustain me through the night. And then, setting my alarm for my first day’s work on Sunday (yes, Sunday begins the working week here in Dubai) I realise that I shall be rising at 2 a.m. UK time. Hey, ho!

I am glad that I am not looking for any immediate results to convince me to continue. It’s enough for me to celebrate these first two days of managing my own meditation practice. I did it! I made time on both days for two meditations a day. I know I am ready to begin this daily practice. To commit.

What is an “alternative approach”?

Some time ago, I wrote about an experience I had – a session of Emotional Freedom Technique. This was something I hadn’t heard about until my friend Alex started to study it. I chose a new keyword for this posting – Alternative Approaches – and even as I chose the keyword I recognised that this heading begs the simple question: what is an alternative approach? Today, sitting in the lounge at Heathrow Airport, I am taking some time to respond to this question. I offer no prior research – simply an opinion.

As I understand it, the word “alternative” when applied to all sorts of approaches, is used as an alternative to “mainstream”. The primary issue here seems to be one of acceptance: is an approach accepted. This in turn begs the question: who by? I think of questions of power – would it be true to say that mainstream approaches are those approaches which are recognised by those sections of society which are most powerful? However, the question of what constitutes power is a subtle one. Instead, I opt to describe the mainstream as a tide of culture which is in some way recognised and endorsed.

It’s easy, when discussing alternative and mainstream approaches, to jump to the conclusion that those approaches which are seen as mainstream are those which scientists have tested and endorsed. There is much to discuss here and much to dispute. In the field of leadership in which I work, one approach that has passed into the mainstream via academic research is the use of competencies to identify those characteristics which differentiate the most outstanding leaders. Whilst this approach is largely taken for granted now, it was originally an alternative to the prevailing idea that testing for IQ (intelligence quota) was the best way to recruit for leadership potential. It was the research of David McClelland and his colleagues which showed this widely accepted (“mainstream”) approach to be based on assumptions which were, in fact, inaccurate. Because of McClelland’s research, testing for competencies, still an alternative approach 30 years ago, has gradually become mainstream.

At the same time, scientists can be blind to evidence when it does not fit prior theories or when they struggle to explain it. Fresh from participating in a training in Transcendental Meditation (TM) I am struck by an anecdote which I had heard prior to attending the training and which I heard again whilst I was there. Some years ago, a large group of meditators spent some time meditating in Washington D.C. with the express aim of reducing crime rates. The Chief of Police was highly sceptical, predicting that it would take six feet of snow to have this effect. Still, the scientists who had been lined up to study the data had to concede that yes, crime rates did go down. A paper was written but only published some time after the event in a peer-reviewed journal, accompanied by a rather apologetic addendum. The research that supports the use of Transcendental Meditation to achieve all sorts of positive outcomes is now extensive. Has it (as yet) become a mainstream approach? No.

In what sense then, do I use the term “alternative approach” on this blog? I aim to use it entirely without prejudice, recognising the many and varied approaches that can make a difference in people’s lives. Perhaps an underlying belief that I hold, which may mark me out from the mainstream, is that far more is possible than we often imagine. The myriad of approaches available to us serve to highlight – should we choose to be aware – just what possibilities exist. In this sense, an alternative approach is simply an option and every approach to which I gave airtime on this blog is an option – an alternative approach.