All posts by Dorothy Nesbit

When a missing ‘t’ makes all the difference

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There was a time in my life when I became known as “Dorothy Nesbit-with-one-t”. For when the majority of people add a ‘t’ to your name that doesn’t belong, why would you not spare them from being corrected by providing guidance ahead of time?

Today, it is a missing ‘t’ that made the difference between meditation and mediation. Yes, meditation, mediation, meditation… it’s all in the ‘t’. For as I write, I am anticipating with a great sense of excitement taking part in a three-day training programme in transcendental meditation, beginning on Wednesday. This has been a long time coming – I booked it months ago. When I mentioned it today in an e-mail to a colleague, she asked me if I had any recommendations for training in mediation – that missing ‘t’! As it happens, I do have some thoughts from the sidelines.

Mediation has as its aim to resolve disputes between parties. Sometimes, this is a way of finding a way forward without going to court. Some people see mediation as a way to reach a compromise, with everything that this word implies: “if I give you x, will you give me y?” The result can be a pale shadow of the outcomes that either party yearned for, even whilst carrying the title “agreement”.

In my view, mediation at its best goes beyond surface demands to understand the deep needs each party brings. Perhaps the business partner who has asked for a 60% payback when his partner insists on selling the business is really wanting recognition for the contribution he has made. Or maybe he wants to express his hurt or anger that his partner has taken a unilateral decision to sell. Perhaps the mother who argues for full custody of her children after her husband has left her is anxious that her now ex-husband will fail to care appropriately for their children if he is granted joint custody. Or maybe she wants understanding for the pain she feels and for which she is holding her husband responsible. When we understand our own deep needs and those of the person with whom we are in dispute we are already nine 10ths of the way towards finding ways in which the needs of both parties can be amicably met.

So, whilst not being an expert in mediation, I offer as a starting point the reading of Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life. Understanding nonviolent communication or ‘NVC’ is, in my view, an essential foundation for effective mediation. The Center for Nonviolent Communication also offers training in mediation (see http://www.cnvc.org/ under Conflict Resolution).

Preparing heart and mind for a time of recession

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In recent weeks, it seems that every time I speak with a coaching colleague, they ask: ‘Are you noticing a downturn in your business?’ For a while, I was able to take a detached view – my business is holding up and I know from past experience that businesses, as they reshape for leaner times, need fitter leaders. There are opportunities for me in this market as well as challenges.

So, stepping back to take a larger view, I have been wondering about the questions the recession brings. What learnings does this recession point to for us – as individuals, for our organisations, for our economic and social models? Who or what do we want our economy to serve – and do we know? In what way, is the recession just the feedback that we need right now?

Still, increasingly, the recession is coming closer to home. One client organisation – for whom I am not currently doing any work – let me know last week that they are drawing their executive coaching to a close forthwith. My sessions with clients are peppered with talk of the impact of the recession on their businesses. Soon, questions of how to lead their organisations through the teeth of the recession will be top of the agenda for at least some of my clients.

Whilst for some, questions of survival have already started to kick in, I prefer to ask ‘How can I prosper during this time, no matter what?’ Henry Allingham, 112 years old and Britain’s oldest surviving veteran of World War I, gave his own answer in last weekend’s Observer Magazine. He described how he has never worried – not even in the great depression of the 1930s.

Perhaps another way to prosper during this time is to take a close look at our relationship with money – not only at the financial commitments we have made in our lives but also at the way we think and feel about money. Surely, this places Lynne Twist’s wise book The Soul of Money at the top of our reading lists right now. With its wonderful subtitle, Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Life, it delivers what it promises.

Coaching: when talking brings perspective

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My work is mainly with leaders in senior positions. Often, in our work together, our focus is on developing the emotional intelligence and leadership capability clients need to engage their full capability and motivation – and that of their staff. Whatever agenda a client brings, though, life often throws up areas of exploration that aren’t in the plan. This was true a few months back for one of my clients, who is General Manager in his company. He told me:

“Having worked with you in 2004 it seemed natural to make contact when I decided to work with a coach again.

“Because of my previous experience I had a belief that there would be a big benefit from working together and even so, my goals were exceeded. As a result of our work together I have become more centred and focused on what I want to achieve. I have more idea about how to forward plan for myself, because now I see what I want to do. I also have a clear framework for self-development and I’ve got several strands of self-development started.

“Around Easter time I had a personal crisis. Being able to talk it through with you meant I got it into perspective. I could have ended up with a marriage breakdown and my family falling apart. But now I have the exact opposite. I have strong family relationships, and the future is bright. I’ve had benefits in my current role, too, even though this has not been our main area of focus.

“Coaching has been a process for evaluating and improving all aspects of my life in a fulfilling way. In this second lot of coaching, I’ve got to the point faster and have more self belief. I have much better recognition of my own strengths. The major thing is, I think differently. I’ve especially learnt the power of talking to someone about any aspect of your life – it brings perspective. Because of this, I have no plan to end our coaching partnership”.

As I share this testimonial with you, I am grateful to my client for his willingness to share. I am also aware of the sense of privilege that comes from working in close partnership in ways which benefit my clients, the organisations they work for and the people with whom they live and work.

I also extend an invitation to you: if this testimonial describes an experience you would like to have, or if you know someone who may be interested to work with me, please contact me directly via dorothy@learningforlifeconsulting.co.uk.

Armistice Day: a day to remember the future

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Today is Armistice Day. Ninety years after the end of the war known as World War I we still remember.

My thoughts today are wide-ranging. I think of the small number of men who still live to remember this war, men whose ages break records. I think of the day when, rehearsing to sing in the Flanders Festival in Gent on September 11, 2001, the modern technology of the mobile phone brought the creeping news, mid rehearsal, of the destruction of New York’s Twin Towers. Still in shock, our performance that evening of Verdi’s Requiem was sombre. I think of the Germans of my generation who, born years after the Second World War ended, have been taught to bear a sense of responsibility for the acts of their countrymen – whilst I, in England, have not. I think of the beauty – paradoxical perhaps – of many poems written following the First World War and of Britten’s War Requiem. I think of Sebastian Faulks’ novel, Birdsong, which, more than any other experience I had had prior to reading it, gave me a visceral sense of the experiences of those young men who fought in the trenches in World War I. I think of the men and women who, whether willingly or not, have given their lives, their limbs and so much more in war.

I feel moved to write and still, I wonder where to focus my attention. Until slowly the thought surfaces: what is it that we want for our future? I think of hopes nurtured for many, many years – only last week Barack Obama’s election as first black President of the United States of America gave birth to a hope fulfilled for people – black and white – all over the world.

What then, of those who nurture the hope that we may, one day, live in peace together on this earth? I take a moment to sit with this hope, to cherish it. One day.

Coaching presuppositions 5: Trying on a presupposition for a day

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In recent weeks, I have been taking time on my blog to explore what it takes to develop a coaching mindset. Having offered some of the presuppositions that can support leaders in developing a coaching style of leadership I went on to offer some exercises for building awareness – of our own presuppositions, of the presuppositions of others.

Today, I offer an exercise to support readers in developing new presuppositions. The exercise is very simple – to “try on” a new presupposition for a day. This could be a presupposition from my October 2008 postings. This could be a presupposition of your own choosing – one that tests you in some way. In times of challenge for example, how about presupposing that your experience is especially designed for your learning, growth and future success?

Choose a presupposition that you’d like to try on for a day. Assuming that your chosen presupposition is true, notice what different thoughts you have and what different actions you take – and with what different outcomes. Take time at the end of the day to reflect on your experiences. Take time with your study partner (if you have one) to explore your experiences and to notice what learning they offer.

Welcoming a world that’s different in the morning

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As I write, the full and final results of the American presidential election have yet to be declared. And still, one thing is certain: the victory that, tonight, made Barack Obama President Elect of the United States of America was decisive. Nor could anyone doubt the significance – for African Americans, for the United States of America, for the world – of America’s election of her first African American president.

The road to this election victory has been long and uncertain. It’s not just that the contest between Obama and Hillary Clinton was hard won. It’s not just that Obama’s victory over John McCain could not be taken for granted. Speaking for the first time as President Elect, Obama tonight highlighted the life experience of one of America’s oldest voters, Anne Nixon Cooper. At 106 years of age, Nixon Cooper was born in an era in which, as a woman, and as a woman of colour, she did not have the right to vote. Reflecting on the extraordinary arc of change in her lifetime, it’s interesting to note that she had reached her mid 60s before, in 1968, America’s African American citizens were granted the right to vote. Many black people – perhaps many who turned out in record numbers to vote at this election – did not dare to believe they would get to see an African American president in their lifetime.

A word must go at this time to John McCain. Combative in his election campaign, there was nothing to draw me to him as future president of the US of A. Still, in his concession speech, his congratulations to Obama “on becoming the president of the country we both love” were clearly heartfelt. His wish to find ways to come together was sincere. Seeing for the first time the love McCain has for his country, hearing him recognise the historical significance for African American citizens of this result (“Let there be no reason now for any American to fail to cherish their citizenship of this country”), witnessing his determination to find ways to come together with his political colleagues of both parties, I felt a respect for McCain which his election campaign had failed to engender. I salute him.

Some acknowledgement must also go to the task ahead. As Obama said tonight, “Victory is not the change itself, it’s the chance to make that change”. It was clear from his words that he is fully aware of the scale of the task that lies ahead. Perhaps, too, he was asking the American people to recognise the scale of the task ahead. Even with the significant mandate granted Obama by the American people, there will be work to do.

For now though, I celebrate the election of America’s 44th – and first African American – president. I also celebrate the love shown tonight by both John McCain and Barack Obama, believing this to be a great force for good in the world. As certain as tonight’s election result had become by the time of this election, the deep wave of emotion I felt as Barack Obama walked onto the platform to speak reflects the great historical significance of this moment – for all the world. Because of this result, the world will be different in the morning.

Sending my hope and prayers to the USA

Developing as a leader,

At a time of great economic difficulty in the US I am increasingly noticing comments that the US of A’s time of global supremacy is coming to an end. With tomorrow’s US election already underway I find myself reflecting on the leader I yearn for as US President at this time. (And of course, I recognise how much I yearn for the same kind of leadership around the world).

I think of a leader whose approach springs from a deeply rooted yearning to contribute to the creation of a world in which everyone can thrive. It is not enough for any one nation to look after its own (even less to look after only some of its own). It is time for us all to commit to creating a thriving, sustainable world.

I think of a leader who is ready to engage deeply with colleagues around the world rather than to seek to dominate, because it’s my belief that the best outcomes for all come when we are able to hear and understand each other at a deep level. I celebrate those leaders (Martin Luther King, Mandela, Gandhi and others) who have shown us what it takes to exercise a different kind of power.

I think of a leader who does not confuse the outcomes he aspires to with the strategies that might lead to those outcomes. I believe that such a leader will ask: what outcomes do we want from a healthy economy? And, recognising those outcomes, will look for ways to deliver those outcomes which serve us all – no matter what state our economy is in.

The polls give Barack Obama a decisive lead over John McCain. What’s more, I hear those people who invest in the futures markets are giving Barack Obama a whopping 90% chance of succeeding at tomorrow’s polls. I hope and pray that Barack Obama is this kind of leader. I hope and pray that he wins. I hope and pray that he is able to provide this kind of leadership to America and to the world.

And when I think that Barack Obama may be America’s first black president, I feel deeply moved. I especially hope for the success in post of such a man.

Coaching presuppositions: are you playing ‘angels and devils’?

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Recently, I wrote about the coaching presupposition that we are all creative, resourceful and whole. Professional coaches who work to the definition of coaching and who follow the ethical codes of the International Coach Federation agree to hold their clients as creative, resourceful and whole. Leaders who adopt a coaching style also work from this belief.

But what happens when we hold this belief about some people and we don’t hold this belief about others? This is an approach I call ‘angels and devils’. One sign that we might be playing ‘angels and devils’ is when we view the same behaviour differently on the part of two different people. One example of this was the manager whose assessments of his staff seemed to vary depending on how much he liked them. When his top salesman submitted his figures late on a regular basis it was always the manager’s view that this was OK because he was doing so well. The manager was also forgiving of behaviours which were out of line with the team’s agreed values. However, the manager was quick to criticise other team members for the same behaviours, making it clear they were unacceptable.

This approach tended to stimulate criticism of the manager by staff and prompted capable members of the team to look for jobs elsewhere. As a coach, this manager failed to address behaviours in his star players which he would readily discuss with those he didn’t rate. At the same time, this second group did not value his attempts to ‘coach’ them, believing that his coaching was rooted in a distorted view of them.

My question to you today is, are you playing ‘angels and devils’? And with what outcomes? I invite you to reflect on the following questions:

  • What view do you take of different members of your team? To what extent are you able to hold each member of your team as creative, resourceful and whole?
  • What conclusions have you reached about members of your team based on their performance? What other factors affect the extent to which you are able to hold your team members as creative, resourceful and whole?
  • With what level of ease are you able to hold each member of your team as creative, resourceful and whole?

If you are working with a study partner, take time to share your answers with your study partner. You might find it especially valuable to compare your views of staff at different ends of the spectrum. For what reasons are you able easily to hold some of your staff as creative, resourceful and whole? And, thinking of those members of staff you find it hard to hold as creative, resourceful and whole, what would it take for you to hold this presupposition? What would be different in your relationships with your staff if you were able to hold each and every one as creative, resourceful and whole?

Coaching presuppositions: an exercise in self awareness

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Yesterday, I offered an exercise to help you raise your awareness of our presuppositions and how they inform behaviours. Today, I invite you to use the same exercise to bring to conscious awareness the presuppositions you hold: this is an exercise in observing yourself.

Like yesterday’s exercise, this brief exercise can be carried out at the end of the day – perhaps for a few minutes of quiet time in your office or as you travel home. Notice two or three key conversations you have had during the course of the day. If possible choose a variety of conversations with different people. Review each conversation in turn and ask yourself:

  • What did each one of us say and do during each conversation?
  • What did the things I said and did presuppose? On what basis do I hold these presuppositions to be true?
  • What was the impact of these presuppositions both during our conversation and on the outcomes from our conversation?

If you are working with a study partner, take time to share your answers to these questions with your study partner. Ask your study partner to notice what presuppositions are implied by your input into each conversation. Notice where your study partner has reached the same conclusions as you and where your conclusions differ. Take time to explore the differences – what do they tell you about your presuppositions of which you were not already aware?

Repeating this exercise over a number of consecutive days can raise your awareness of the presuppositions you bring to your conversations and of the impact they have on the outcomes that accrue from your conversations.

Mad days

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Next week, we shall all have plenty to think about as the US presidential elections take place, whatever the outcome.

In the meantime, we are by no means short of things to discuss. As I pondered the news yesterday at the end of the day, it seemed to me that we live in crazy times:

  • On the morning news, I heard that hedge fund investors had lost the bets they had placed in VW when Porsche announced it now owned 75% of VW. Hedge fund investors had taken a short term position, assuming VW shares would fall in value. However, two days after Porsche’s announcement, VW shares rose to a value of $1,276 making it – briefly – the most valuable company in the world.
  • Throughout the day, newscasts were buzzing with news of an investigation into a broadcast by Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross on BBC Radio 2. The Telegraph’s website reported that the broadcast was pre-recorded and cleared for broadcast by producers. However, 18,000 complaints from listeners were enough to suggest that the broadcast had crossed a line in the eyes of the BBC’s listening audience. Russell Brand handed in his notice and Jonathan Ross is currently suspended. Still I find myself wondering, what is the responsibility of the producers who approved the broadcast?
  • When I left my house in the morning I noticed a car parked outside which had snow on its roof. London’s Evening Standard reported that this was Britain’s first October snow in 70 years.

Mad days.