All posts by Dorothy Nesbit

Creating the climate for success

Coaching, Developing as a leader, , , ,

Amongst my e-mails today is one from Gina Lawrie and Bridget Belgrave. Gina and Bridget are amongst the foremost trainers in the UK in the field of nonviolent communication, an approach that is dear to my heart. As well as sharing their training programme (which you can find at http://www.NvcDanceFloors.com) they share a quote by Carl Rogers, from his book A Way of Being:

“My experience has shown that another paradigm is far more effective and constructive for the individual and for society. It is that, given a suitable psychological climate, humankind is trustworthy, creative, self-motivated, powerful, and constructive – capable of releasing undreamed-of potentialities.”

Carl Rogers has been a significant influence in 20th Century thinking and his work continues to guide professional coaches as well as his fellow therapists. Surely this is also the paradigm that Douglas McGregor outlines as “Theory Y” in his seminal book, The Human Side of Enterprise.

I take a moment to reflect on this quote and to celebrate my work as a coach, which is my way of supporting individual leaders in creating a psychological climate – for themselves as well as for those they lead – that supports the powerful, constructive and purposeful use of our abundant creativity. I feel so blessed in this work, in its contribution to those with whom I work, to the businesses they work in and to the wider world.

New Year’s Resolutions: friend or foe?

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I was struck today by the following request made on the Training Journal Daily Digest:

“Now that we are mid-way into January, we here at the Training Journal wondered how many of you have managed to stick to your New Year’s resolutions about continuous personal development?”

What does it say about New Year’s resolutions – or about those of us who make them – that they so famously fall by the wayside by the end of January?

Now, one could write a book on this subject – there’s far more to say than I am going to say in this posting. Today, I’m going to confine myself to just two observations.

The first is this. How many of us make our New Year’s resolutions from a place of “should” and “ought”? I should give up smoking. I ought to lose weight. I must go to the gym. These are the resolutions we are most likely to sabotage. Perhaps we don’t get started. Perhaps we make a token effort and quickly stop taking action. Maybe we even carry out those resolutions by the letter – but not by the spirit. This latter seems to be particularly true when our half-hearted resolutions are to provide support for others. Have you ever, for example, been so frustrated by the spirit in which your spouse (or kid) carries out an agreement (to unload the dishwasher, pick up the kids, etc.) that you’ve asked them to stop.

Now it may be that the thing you feel you ought to do is the thing you really want to do. And this brings me to my second observation about New Year’s resolutions. Often, between the recognition that you want to do something and the actions needed to carry it out, there are a number of steps needed to create the inner resolve needed to take action. So if you’ve moved straight from “wanting to get fit” to “going twice a week to the gym” you may have overlooked key factors that are standing in the way. Why, for example, did you not go twice a week to the gym last year? Here, too, I could say a whole lot more than can be said in a single posting.

So I close with an invitation, which is to notice how gladly you feel about doing those things you’ve resolved to do this year. As a coach, I often invite my clients to give a “mark out of ten” as a way of gauging where they’re starting from. If your mark is anything less than ten, even if you yearn to achieve your intended outcomes, perhaps you need to pay attention to the inner resistance that’s holding you back as well as to take action towards your goals.

Perhaps, even, with the help of a coach…

Congratulations, Mr President

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20th January, 2009. The day of the inauguration of Mr. Barack Hussein Obama as the first African American President of the United States of America. It is not by foresight that I have no appointments this afternoon and still, I seize the opportunity to watch the inauguration as it unfolds.

Obama’s election to the Presidency has been widely hailed as the fulfilment of Martin Luther King Jr’s dream and so it is. Luther King’s dream was both simple and audacious, a dream that America’s African Americans would be afforded the same opportunities as his white brothers, in line with America’s founding creed that “we hold these truths to be self evident that all men are created equal“. At the time he made this speech, in 1963, this level of equality was way outside the experience of many African Americans. It’s hard not to notice that, for many African and non-white Americans, this is still true today. Still, the election of Barack Hussein Obama today seems to be the embodiment both of America’s dream and of the dream of Martin Luther King – a symbol of hope.

If America’s African Americans are emotional today as they witness an event their grandparents could barely imagine, so am I, white British, citizen of a world in which we continue to view others – from our brothers and sisters to people of other nations and creeds – as our enemies. It seems to me that by electing Obama to the post of President of the United States of America the people of America – people of diverse ages and ethnicities – have finally been able to embrace each other fully and to ask, without prejudice, “who is the right man or woman for the job?” And this, in turn, gives me hope that, increasingly, America’s politicians might step out onto the world stage with the ability and the will to embrace their brothers and sisters around the world in a new way. Not as enemies, always as brothers and sisters, though sometimes as friends they haven’t made yet.

Listening to every part of the inaugural ceremony, there are signs of this intention. Amidst the many themes in Obama’s speech (which will no doubt be analysed and commented on around the world) I take comfort when I hear Obama say:

“We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus – and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.”

The idea that we might, around the world, come to see and respond to our common humanity is echoed in Elizabeth Alexander’s poem as she asks “What if the mightiest word is love?” More than anything, this is what I wanted to hear.

There is a moment as I watch and listen when I feel drawn to America and to contribute to the embodiment of this dream. I say this in all humility. For I count it as a great blessing to be a student of Marshall Rosenberg’s nonviolent communication and I live in the belief that, were we all students of this language, we would have the means to usher in this new era of peace. The campaign to gather ideas for change in America has already afforded me an opportunity to contribute, by voting for ideas rooted in nonviolent communication (see http://www.change.org/ideas/view/bridging_the_empathy_gap_-_yes_we_can).

And perhaps as I close, with so much to digest, there’s just one more thing – for the time being – for me to say. For as I think of Obama’s call to the citizens of America to take personal responsibility I want to recognise the huge contribution that we make when we choose a philosophy and an approach which is rooted in nonviolence. Perhaps, above all else, it is when enough people make this choice that America will indeed embody its creed that: “we hold these truths to be self evident that all men are created equal”.

Friendship: pausing to celebrate

About Dorothy,

18th January 1999. I didn’t yet know what a year 1999 would be for me – professionally at least. My involvement in a major research project, looking at what distinguishes the most outstanding teachers in the UK, kept me and my colleagues so busy that we could hardly stand come Christmas. But then, I’m getting ahead of myself.

At about 10.30 a.m. on 18th January 1999 I was struck by the introduction of a particular member of a group of headteachers I would be working with for the next four days. As he described the school he was leading there could be no doubt that it was a highly successful institution. And whilst no personal claim was made about this man’s contribution, there could, equally, be no doubt that these successes were down to the man making his introduction. I wondered, “will his colleagues love him or hate him?” I could equally have asked “will I love him or hate him?”

As the course unfolded it became clear that the answer to the first question was “love”. Behind the scenes the course’s leaders were blown away by the feedback data which showed him to be a highly effective leader. This may or may not have been visible to his colleagues. Still, it became clear that they appreciated his easy informality and his willingness to support them in a variety of ways – as they accessed on-line information, worked through case studies and even by playing the piano one evening as everyone gathered round to sing.

When the course finished we exchanged contact details and, with a major research project coming up into teacher effectiveness, it made sense to take him up on his invitation to visit his school. It was my first visit to school for a number of years and I remember feeling like a schoolgirl again as I sat opposite the ‘headmaster’ in his office.

I also remember how, working as I was in an environment in which professionalism and formality were seen to go hand in hand, I felt uneasy as our contact moved quickly from the professional to the personal and still, Alan quickly became a friend. Three years later, when I set up my own business, it was Alan who would phone me on his way to school to ask “how’s it going?”

This month I have been reflecting on ten years of friendship. This evening I make a note of those things I look forward to celebrating with Alan some time soon and I ask myself “Have I really put up with ten years of the most awful jokes?”

And just in case you’re still wondering about the answer to my second question, stay tuned. I should know the answer by 2019.

Putting modesty to rest

About Dorothy, ,

Sunday. After a packed week of rehearsals (packed around work, that is) members of the London Symphony Chorus join the London Symphony Orchestra and a dazzling line up of soloists (Christine Brewer, Karen Cargill, Stuart Neill and John Relyea) to perform Verdi’s Requiem under the baton of Sir Colin Davis.

The performance is dedicated to the memory of Richard Hickox following his oh so untimely death last November and his family are gathered in the stalls. I was not alone in experiencing moments of deep emotion during rehearsals, wishing for Richard that he does indeed enjoy safe passage to whatever lies ahead and mourning the loss of such a dedicated and inspiring musician. Now though, is not the time to miss an entry to be present to such emotions.

Perhaps it is because of the special significance of this dedication or maybe it’s because Sir Colin has put us through our paces – there will be no complacency here – that our performance blazes a trail through Verdi’s exquisite writing. From the hushed cello entry and the muted Requiem of the chorus at the beginning of the piece, through the fiery Dies Irae to the closing fugue and call to libera me it seems to me that the orchestra, chorus and soloists catch every nuance, doing justice to this magnificent work and to Richard as we bid him farewell.

Two days later, with two more performances to look forward to, I find myself reflecting on my own performance. The Requiem is a demanding sing, requiring stamina and the ability both to give life and volume to many fortissimo passages and still to have the vocal control for the quieter passages. There are some that require the kind of quiet singing at the top of one’s range that can terrify the amateur singer – all the more so when you find yourself in the front row of the chorus singing into the left ear of one of the Orchestra’s fine professional musicians.

I smile as I celebrate my own performance and recognise that, for the time being at least and notwithstanding my lingering cold, I am singing well. Of course I gave my all in the Dies Irae – for high volume and dramatic singing are my forte. And still I managed to sustain my voice and to land quietly and truly on some of the high, quiet phrases. I ponder, wondering what is giving me this ease and joy in my singing.

And I feel so grateful that I have reached a stage in my life when I am able to celebrate in this way, putting modesty to rest and allowing myself to acknowledge fully everything that I bring. Surely this alone contributed to a ‘personal best’ on Sunday.

Richard, I hope you were listening.

Stepping softly into the New Year

Coaching, Your personal and professional well-being, , , ,

Most years I like to take a few days out over Christmas to reflect on the year just gone and to look forward to the year ahead.

This year was slightly different! Three weeks after I first wondered if I was going to go down with a cold Christmas came and so did my cold, a drawn-out weary affair which was certainly not flu though it came close. After Christmas with family (as it happens, a time to bring our diverse winter germs together and compare notes) I holed up in my London home for a few days to recover. Having listened to my body’s feedback I postponed my time to reflect and took time to relax. It was good to have these few days with absolutely no agenda other than to listen to my inner guidance and to ‘hole up’. Donny Osmond was the perfect companion.

So I have been grateful this week for a relatively gentle start. My coaching appointments have all been over the phone and I have yet to have any early starts. I have been able to send out invoices to those clients who pay me a monthly fee. (I always do this with joy and gratitude, for this exchange is what makes it possible for me to meet my needs whilst also supporting my clients). I have had time to meditate with ease – though not to meditate and to write on my blog (until today). All this has given me time to return to my aims for the year ahead and to begin to shape the two page document which will guide me through 2009.

I confess that for a few days, this experience has knocked me off my ‘smug healthy’ pedestal, reminding me that I am not omnipotent. As Dr. Christiane Northrup so often puts it (in her wonderful books on women’s health), “sooner or later, the body presents the bill”. My diet has played a huge part in keeping me healthy in 2008. Still, I know that I am currently in the midst of a challenging personal decision and that this is taking time and energy. I wonder how much the widespread germs and colds we have been sharing so generously reflect a time of concern – about the economy, about world events. I don’t know.

Still, here it is. 2009. As I step softly into the New Year I do not know what will happen in the world around me. Still, I know where my direction lies. This latter is enough for me.

Sharing greetings of the season

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Phew! Today I posted the last of my Christmas cards and sent my final e-mail greetings. I take the scale of this as a sign of the abundance of people who contribute to my life.

You, too, dear Readers. With this in mind, I share my greetings with you. Of course my newsletter (mentioned below) is not attached – still if you would like to receive a copy or to join my circulation list, please e-mail me directly at dorothy@learningforlifeconsulting.co.uk.

“These are days when many are discouraged.
In the 93 years of my life, depressions have come and gone.
Prosperity has always returned and will again.”

John D. Rockefeller
1932

Dear friends

As 2008 draws to a close, we are surrounded by the signs of a deepening and world-wide recession. Whatever our circumstances, whatever our response, 2009 will bring new challenges to us all. For many of us, these challenges will lie outside our prior experience. Perhaps we are young enough to be experiencing the first major recession of our lives. Perhaps our experience of recession is radically different, because of the responsibilities we have now that we did not have last time round.

No matter what our experience of the current recession, we get to choose our response. For this reason, I have chosen in my December newsletter to return to a subject I have written about before and to ask: 2009: a time of scarcity or abundance? I have also invited you to your own personal exploration in my accompanying paper, Whatever the Weather, Choosing Abundance Whatever the Climate. And whether or not you are a regular subscriber, I am choosing to attach my newsletter and accompanying paper.

I close the year with a deep sense of abundance and I want to express my gratitude to you for your role in that. You are my readers: the people who send cheery messages in response to my writing and encourage me to stay in touch. You are my clients: the people with whom I work in coaching partnership to produce major and minor miracles; the people with whom I look across whole organisations to ask, what can we do that will make the difference? And, dare I say it, you are my sales team! For even whilst I continue to explore new ways to help those people to reach me who can most benefit from our work together, the majority of new clients continue to come to me because you choose to refer them to me. I thank you all.

Sending you heartfelt wishes for a Christmas, 2008 and a New Year, 2009, which are happy, abundant and prosperous.

Dorothy Nesbit
Coach to Leaders

Celebrating my niece and her work

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Well, it’s already a few months since I signed up, together with my niece Rebecca and my nephew Edward, for a course with the Writers Bureau. (That’s ‘Writers’ with no possessive apostrophe).

We all have different reasons for taking the course. Rebecca is approaching the end of her PhD and a career in scientific journalism is an option for her. Edward is a composer and also a great reader. For him, writing offers the occasional distraction. Belatedly, I have become consciously aware of how much I love to write. The course has become the vehicle for exploring this great love and what I might do with it.

Our first assignment was simple. I decided to submit one of my blog postings and was told I had got off to a flying start. The second assignment requires far more effort – to identify and research a target publication and to prepare an article for submission. I have identified my target publication and await my first copy.

Course or no course, my niece is striding ahead. Today she sent me a link to an article about her PhD research, into the migration patterns of butterflies and moths. You can read it at http://www.lablit.com/article/442#top.

I have no reason to feel proud – her work is all her own – and still, I notice that something in me is bursting forth. I try some words on for size: “It gives me so much joy to see her work coming to fruition”. And somehow, words do not seem enough to describe my sense of celebration.

When work gives way to rest

Coaching,

Whilst most of my clients are sponsored by their employing organisations, Monday is reserved for clients who come to me privately. Some of these are the same senior leaders with whom I work during the rest of the week, except that they choose to pay for their own coaching. Some, but not all. Speaking with these clients on the phone (and with my own coach, Lynne) can make for a busy day with my last session finishing at 7pm in the evening.

Whilst my work with clients can be extraordinary in its diversity, today, I am struck by a common underlying theme. It seems that, as the year draws to its close, we are all ready for a rest. For some, the body has kicked in with messages – more or less robust – that the pace of recent months cannot go on. For others, it is simply that the motivation to move forward, which has characterised much of the year, is suddenly giving way to a gentle trusting, a sense that the time for such assertive action is giving way to a new time, to rest and take stock.

I notice that I, too, am ready for rest and restoration. Even the number of postings I have made this month seems slightly fewer than in previous months. I have started to prioritise those activities I would like to complete before Christmas and to postpone others that can wait until after a break.

I take a moment to ponder the natural rhythms that guide us, recognising a wisdom we all share – if only we take time to listen.

Honouring a national institution

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Woolworths is in the news today. Almost 100 years after the first Woolworths store opened in the UK the creditors are looming and a buyer for this ailing retail chain has yet to appear.

In stores around the country shoppers are emptying the shelves of goods being sold at up to 50% price reduction. The queues are long. Some customers are making their last visit to the pick’n’mix for old times’ sake. For these customers, ‘Woollies’ has been a part of their lives – the whole of their lives.

Thousands of workers face the possibility of a redundancy – just in time for Christmas. My heart goes out to these workers. They have bills to pay. They are entering the job market at a time when jobs are scarce. Whatever emotions they feel are real right now.

And still, I recognise that there are many different ways to look at this event and our emotions come from the way we look at them, rather than from the events themselves. For me, understanding this is key to my experience of the current economic downturn.

It seems that the more I allow that this is a loss AND that there are many possibilities that lie ahead, the more I am able both to celebrate the role this chain of stores has played in our lives over almost 100 years AND to be open to the natural evolution that is manifesting in Woolworths’ current demise.

I hold the past, present and future in my thoughts.