Tag Archives: personal reflections

Moments of truth on the path to learning

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A client in coaching has the first inkling that their current employer may not be able to meet their current or future career needs or perhaps that their marital partner of many years may not be able to meet them as the person they have become.  It is a moment of great challenge for the client:  a moment when he or she opens a door that, in truth, has been held firmly closed for some time and against a growing body of evidence.

This can become a time of “yes, but… no, but…” as the person seeking coaching dances between two different parts of self.  One part yearns to live life fully and to explore and pursue every need.  Another part has many concerns, from fear of the unknown to some lurking sense of disloyalty at the thought of leaving a job or a lover, preferring stasis to the uncertainties of an as-yet-undiscovered future.

Sometimes the coach gets caught in the crossfire, as if the first inkling that something might be true is equal to the final decision to leave.  As the client back-pedals from his or her own insights the coach may be left holding the idea of change as if it were his or her own.

The truth is such moments, whilst they look like the end of one path are always the beginning of another.  And whilst the coach may be able to say, “ah!  I’ve been here before with other clients on other journeys”, he or she is at this stage as ignorant as the client of the outcomes that may in time come from their work together.  It could go either way.  For who knows what needs might be seeking expression until the client reaches a point of readiness to explore?  And only when those needs have been identified and understood can the client decide how best they might be met.

(And here’s a note to clients everywhere:  if your coach claims to know the outcome of your journey ahead of time – beware!  For even when there are trends and likelihoods, your coach needs to be guided by you, supporting you in forging your own path.  The coach who leads you down a path that is not your own does not serve you well or support you in seeking out and understanding your own wisdom and guidance).

Your story in 2010

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It’s not the first time that I have asked my friend and fellow coach, Len Williamson, for his permission to share one of the brief writings he shares from time to time. Len has a particular gift for hitting the spot with just a few words. With his permission I share this example. It speaks for itself:

January and February are now written and the year’s themes are taking shape. Like any good novel now is a good time to take stock. Are you still holding the pen writing your story and do you like what is being written? Often by March the pen has slipped across our desk or been taken from our hands by someone else. In a trance we watch the pen write, live the story it tells and wonder why we are not where we want to be. If it is firmly in your hand or the hand of a friend and the story reads well then let the pen’s prose flow. If it is not then take it back, fill it with your ink and write the story you want to tell.

You can reach Len via his website at http://www.theowlpartnership.com. You can also read about Len’s efforts to raise awareness and funds for sufferers of multiple sclerosis at http://www.1000miles4hope.com/.

Paying it forward

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It’s not often I have cause to mention my local supermarket on my blog, even though I am cared for like a princess by staff who see me pop in on a regular basis. Today, though, I am celebrating the law of unintended consequences and an opportunity to ‘pay it forward’.

Now, in case you haven’t come across the ‘pay it forward’ idea, I commend you to watch the film of the same name with Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt and Haley Joel Osment. In this film a young boy comes up with the idea as his response to his teacher’s invitation to students to create something that will make the world a better place. The idea? Do someone a favour and ask them not to pay it back but to pay it forward.

Now, when I first saw this film, the young man who served me at my local video rental shop (those were the days!) gave me a very strange look and – if I remember rightly – described the film as decidedly “cheesy”. Needless to say I didn’t tell him that I was planning to watch it as one of our optional “homeworks” with fellow students on my NLP Practitioner programme.

But what of my local supermarket? Well, if you shop at Sainsbury’s and you are a Nectar Card holder you may have noticed the recent introduction of a natty little box that dispenses small slips of paper with special offers when you pay for your shopping. More than once, my special offer has been an inducement to spend £40.00 or more – something I rarely do given that I live so close and hardly ever do a “big shop”.

Yesterday I had one of these slips in my purse when I popped in to Sainsbury’s. I knew it was reaching its sell-by date and I had only a small number of things to buy so I was delighted to offer it to the woman in front of me at the check-out. This meant that she got £4.00 off her shopping – about 10% – and I had the satisfaction of knowing that this little slip of paper didn’t end up unused in my bin.

Now, it’s a strange thing, but I sense that the impact of this small gesture on both of us – who knows, maybe even on those who observed it – was disproportionate to its monetary value. The woman offered to pay me the £4.00 she’d saved and I was delighted to say no – all the more so because I could see she was doing the family shop. She was clearly touched by the kindness of a stranger. I was touched in turn knowing I had made this gesture and been seen. And when two strangers show kindness to each other, the world always becomes a safer more comfortable place.

What of Sainsbury’s? I am guessing that this interaction isn’t what they planned when they set up their boxes full of inducements to buy. And still, I’d like to think that if their marketeers were sitting round imagining the impact on local communities of many ‘brief encounters’ like this one, they might chose to say, “yes! let’s do this and celebrate our role in making the world a better place!”

When “perfect” is not good enough

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Today I have been preparing my quarterly newsletter. It’s something I love to do and it’s also something that takes time. It was my aim to send one out in April and it’s now my aim to send it out before the end of this month. Meantime, I have been juggling all sorts of other activities, from tracking down a CD (from Amazon Japan) to taking a coaching call from a client. All good stuff.

This week, I have also committed to take time to pull out some of the themes from my most recent coaching session with my own coach, Lynne Fairchild. So, before I go for a walk I’m taking time to ponder just one of the themes from my coaching.

Even though we talk of our aspirations, as parents, to give our children unconditional love, we live in a society which judges. And growing up in a society which judges, we internalise the messages. In the last week, two quite different experiences have brought me face to face with my own judging self. The first experience was an interaction with a client to which my response was to judge myself oh, so harshly! And only days later, in another context entirely, I was able to let go of any messages about what I do or don’t “deserve” to receive the gift of someone else’s care. These experiences could not have been more sharply contrasted!

What do I take from them both? Connecting with the part of me that judges, I realise how much she wants to meet a standard so that she “deserves” to have her needs met. After all, this is what she learnt to do as she was growing up. There is a risk that, in order to persuade others, she seeks to be “better than” or even “perfect”. Like so many behaviours that come from our childhood selves, this carries the risk of getting in the way of the very outcomes she’s seeking for me – to be amongst people who love me and support me in meeting my needs.

I am grateful for the second experience, of letting go of judgement of self and of others to receive the gift of someone else’s care. Receiving this gift without wondering whether or not I deserve it touched me deeply. At the same time, I recognise how much the quest to be perfect – or, worst still, to hold some kind of standards for others – gets in the way of being “good enough”. Indeed, I recognise how much I want to live in a world – to create my own world – based on connecting with my needs and with the needs of others.

This brings me to a personal challenge. Oh! How I aspire to listen with an intention to connect with the needs I and others are expressing, no matter how alienated we are from our own needs and no matter what words we choose! From this place, nothing anyone can say is ever “wrong”.

As I write, I reconnect with my aspiration to do this with ease and grace.

Sharing my personal mission statement

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When I started working with Lynne, my coach, in 2005, I undertook to create an explicit statement of my values. It was not the first time I had explored what was important to me in my life, though it was the first time I had explored my values quite so fully and thoroughly. Every now and then I change a word here or there as I did recently. And still, I find that each change reinforces my original statement.

It was a couple of years later that a penny dropped for me as I realised that my values were pointing to an overall mission for my life. Capturing this mission in words has provided a clear guiding principle for me which is at once so simple and – for me, at least – profound. My mission is: to fall ever more deeply in love with my life.

What does this statement imply? As I write this morning I ponder this. The first thing that springs to mind is a quote of unknown origin, that “life is the sum of all our choices”. This mission guides me to make choices which bring me joy, and this in turn is a reminder that I do have choices. So, this is a statement which invites me to take responsibility for my life and to make it a life that I can, increasingly, enjoy.

This, in turn, implies for me that my life can be a matter of joy and that this is OK. I remember meeting a man who, after a successful corporate career, started to work for a not-for-profit organisation which was close to his heart. He was almost looking over his shoulder when he said to me that he wasn’t sure it was OK to enjoy himself as much as he was in his new career. I do wonder how much we come to believe that pain and suffering is our lot. For my part, I have chosen to embrace a different path and to create a life of joy and fulfilment.

To live in joy implies being connected to my own responses. For how can I know what brings me joy, if I am not able to sense my responses to my experiences? So, as I travel this path, I am becoming more and more attuned to my emotions and to the feedback my body gives me. I have found that this alone is not enough. For responding to such feedback requires skillful means. For this reason I have embraced learning as a core value. Attending to my responses and employing skillful means to choose my reactions help me to take steps on an ongoing basis towards I life I can truly love.

There is of course, one thing I have to be able to square in order to feel good about treading this path, living as I do in a world in which judgement (or ‘criticism’) is encouraged. Is it not utterly selfish to live in this way? As a student of nonviolent communication I have come to learn how much it matters to me to contribute to others and this is part of what gives me joy, especially when I can contribute from a place of willingness rather from a sense of obligation; especially when I give of the best of myself, rather than seek to muster a contribution which is somehow at odds with who I am and what I have to give.

There is so much more I can say. I am moved to add one last thing. This is about trends – about the overall trend in my life towards living in a way which brings me joy. To live my life in this way means that there is one thing I am able to offer to those who are seeking a different way of being in the world and doubting that it’s possible to be happy in this life. This is, of course, the conviction, borne of experience, that it is.

Saying farewell to March

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Every now and then life gets a little laden with busy-ness. So today I sit down to write a few words, wondering even as I write what to write about.

I am in the midst of preparing trainings for a couple of clients and have had my head down. I shall be working with one client to provide training in aspects of leadership. I shall be working with another to offer training in the kinds of competency-based interviews I use when I assess candidates for senior leadership roles. I confess I am especially looking forward to delivering this latter training – it engages the ‘geek’ in me, who loves the technologies used to interview candidates and to analyse (or ‘code’) the interviews. And all this preparation alongside working with coaching clients – not to mention all the other activities involved in running a business.

Alongside this, I am just beginning to plan for my next newsletter and recognise that I need to get my skates on if I am to send it out in April as I plan. I am wondering whether to write about the kinds of ways we can use during the recession (and other challenging times) to stay on top of the world. I have yet to put pen to paper and still, my thoughts are brewing.

And outside, the evening is light and the trees are in blossom. I am enjoying the blossoming springtime as March gives way to April. Maybe I should say “as the birds are twittering away”, for I am aware that this posting brings me as close to “twittering” as I have come to date.

Talking about ecology

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Increasingly, I am struck by the places where my own interests and those of my niece meet. As an ecologist, currently writing up her PhD thesis, Rebecca is constantly alert to the implications of human choices for the wider ecology of our planet. As an executive coach, it’s my view that the choices we make reflect varying levels of awareness of the needs we are actually seeking to meet by our actions. The more we choose from a place of self awareness and honesty, the more likely we are to make choices that are ecologically sound.

In the realm of human choice I use the word ‘ecological’ with a particular meaning. We have an inner ecology as well as living in a wider ecological setting. In the field of neuro-linguistic programming (or NLP) practitioners talk of the ‘ecology check’. This is a process by which we check in with ourselves before confirming a decision, a process which recognises that what seems logical or in some way ‘correct’ may still leave us feeling uncomfortable. We are ready to make a decision when our minds, hearts and guts are all telling us, ‘yes, this is the right decision’.

This sounds easy though there are many factors that affect our decision-making processes. I could point to external factors – how do we decide with confidence when we have to decide in haste and with inadequate information? Sometimes, external circumstances do not conspire in our favour. Perhaps, though, we need to pay more attention to ourselves. For whilst there are times when we find ourselves in circumstances we cannot change, we can develop the capability to be aware of our needs, to accept them, and to make decisions that support us in meeting our needs.

I am particularly aware of this in our current business and economic context, for it seems to me that – at many levels – the question ‘What do I want?’ often goes unasked. The individual executive may continue to spend beyond his or her means even whilst becoming more wealthy with each successive promotion – and still feel hollow inside. It’s as if the actions taken are ‘the wrong tool for the job’. They don’t meet the needs of the executive concerned precisely because he or she does not know what needs s/he’s trying to meet. And when organisations are comprised of individuals who lack this self awareness or have a culture which discourages this self awareness, is it any surprise that they pursue business goals whilst failing to ask what outcomes these business goals serve?

How does this link to the wider ecology of our planet? Perhaps the first and easiest thing to say is that the more we make choices (individual, organisational) from a place of awareness of our needs, the more likely we are to make choices that serve the wider planet, not least because we all have a need to contribute to others and to the world around us. I would add that nature has a way of providing feedback which is always available to direct us – if only we are alert to its messages. In the current recession I wonder if we are willing to dig deep and understand the messages that are on offer to us and I suspect not. With or without the current recession, I wonder how serious we are about creating an economy which not only serves us, but also serves our children, our grandchildren and beyond.

This is a question raised by The Corporation (available as a book and as a DVD). When I first watched the DVD, courtesy of my friend Mark, I found its messages so hard-hitting that I put it to one side in pain. This weekend I felt ready to view it again. This time, in the midst of so many messages about the damage corporations wreak (on those who work for them, on the environment, on… on… on…) I was drawn to one of the central voices of hope, Ray Anderson, CEO of Interface. Anderson describes reading a book, Paul Hawken’s The Ecology of Commerce, as an epiphanal experience. After reading this book, Anderson set out to reshape Interface completely. The company now has a vision: ‘To be the first company that, by its deeds, shows the entire industrial world what sustainability is in all its dimensions: People, process, product, place and profits — by 2020 — and in doing so we will become restorative through the power of influence’. You can hear Anderson speak on YouTube, at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcRDUIbT4gw.

As I write what has become my longest posting yet, I feel the passion that draws me to this subject and I recognise how many ideas I have put forward that are subjects in themselves, waiting to be explored. At its heart, this posting is about ecology – the idea that we are all part of a systemic whole. Should the worse case scenario of planetary destruction take place, it won’t be for lack of feedback from our eco-system. The fact that coaching can support individuals in listening to those messages – from without, from within – is one of the things that gives me hope.

When feedback delights

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Feedback, with its power to nourish or to test, is a wonderful thing. Sometimes, it just takes you by joyful surprise.

Yesterday, at my regular rehearsal with the London Symphony Chorus, I was blessed with a double whammy of the nourishing variety. Midway through our first rehearsal of Berlioz’ Te Deum, Lorne leant over from the tenors to tell me how fabulous my singing was. Did I lap that feedback up? You bet I did! (And was I aware that, for some reason, I was singing from the very depths of my heart and soul? Yes, that, too).

I was also delighted when Elizabeth, talking to me about wrinkles and face-creams, guessed my age at anywhere between 35 and 41. Let me tell you I love my wrinkles! I wouldn’t lose a single one of them! And still, as I approach my 46th birthday, I’m quite content to know that I look (to some eyes, at least) a little younger than I am.

This is not the first time of late that I have enjoyed a comment about my age. Only a week ago a colleague of my niece asked me if we are sisters. I told him no and thanked him for his comment. This took him aback I think – it was not intended as a compliment, he said. He was quite sincere. I only regret I didn’t think to say that yes, it was precisely because I knew his question was sincere that I enjoyed it so much.

New Year’s Resolutions: friend or foe?

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I was struck today by the following request made on the Training Journal Daily Digest:

“Now that we are mid-way into January, we here at the Training Journal wondered how many of you have managed to stick to your New Year’s resolutions about continuous personal development?”

What does it say about New Year’s resolutions – or about those of us who make them – that they so famously fall by the wayside by the end of January?

Now, one could write a book on this subject – there’s far more to say than I am going to say in this posting. Today, I’m going to confine myself to just two observations.

The first is this. How many of us make our New Year’s resolutions from a place of “should” and “ought”? I should give up smoking. I ought to lose weight. I must go to the gym. These are the resolutions we are most likely to sabotage. Perhaps we don’t get started. Perhaps we make a token effort and quickly stop taking action. Maybe we even carry out those resolutions by the letter – but not by the spirit. This latter seems to be particularly true when our half-hearted resolutions are to provide support for others. Have you ever, for example, been so frustrated by the spirit in which your spouse (or kid) carries out an agreement (to unload the dishwasher, pick up the kids, etc.) that you’ve asked them to stop.

Now it may be that the thing you feel you ought to do is the thing you really want to do. And this brings me to my second observation about New Year’s resolutions. Often, between the recognition that you want to do something and the actions needed to carry it out, there are a number of steps needed to create the inner resolve needed to take action. So if you’ve moved straight from “wanting to get fit” to “going twice a week to the gym” you may have overlooked key factors that are standing in the way. Why, for example, did you not go twice a week to the gym last year? Here, too, I could say a whole lot more than can be said in a single posting.

So I close with an invitation, which is to notice how gladly you feel about doing those things you’ve resolved to do this year. As a coach, I often invite my clients to give a “mark out of ten” as a way of gauging where they’re starting from. If your mark is anything less than ten, even if you yearn to achieve your intended outcomes, perhaps you need to pay attention to the inner resistance that’s holding you back as well as to take action towards your goals.

Perhaps, even, with the help of a coach…

Congratulations, Mr President

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20th January, 2009. The day of the inauguration of Mr. Barack Hussein Obama as the first African American President of the United States of America. It is not by foresight that I have no appointments this afternoon and still, I seize the opportunity to watch the inauguration as it unfolds.

Obama’s election to the Presidency has been widely hailed as the fulfilment of Martin Luther King Jr’s dream and so it is. Luther King’s dream was both simple and audacious, a dream that America’s African Americans would be afforded the same opportunities as his white brothers, in line with America’s founding creed that “we hold these truths to be self evident that all men are created equal“. At the time he made this speech, in 1963, this level of equality was way outside the experience of many African Americans. It’s hard not to notice that, for many African and non-white Americans, this is still true today. Still, the election of Barack Hussein Obama today seems to be the embodiment both of America’s dream and of the dream of Martin Luther King – a symbol of hope.

If America’s African Americans are emotional today as they witness an event their grandparents could barely imagine, so am I, white British, citizen of a world in which we continue to view others – from our brothers and sisters to people of other nations and creeds – as our enemies. It seems to me that by electing Obama to the post of President of the United States of America the people of America – people of diverse ages and ethnicities – have finally been able to embrace each other fully and to ask, without prejudice, “who is the right man or woman for the job?” And this, in turn, gives me hope that, increasingly, America’s politicians might step out onto the world stage with the ability and the will to embrace their brothers and sisters around the world in a new way. Not as enemies, always as brothers and sisters, though sometimes as friends they haven’t made yet.

Listening to every part of the inaugural ceremony, there are signs of this intention. Amidst the many themes in Obama’s speech (which will no doubt be analysed and commented on around the world) I take comfort when I hear Obama say:

“We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus – and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.”

The idea that we might, around the world, come to see and respond to our common humanity is echoed in Elizabeth Alexander’s poem as she asks “What if the mightiest word is love?” More than anything, this is what I wanted to hear.

There is a moment as I watch and listen when I feel drawn to America and to contribute to the embodiment of this dream. I say this in all humility. For I count it as a great blessing to be a student of Marshall Rosenberg’s nonviolent communication and I live in the belief that, were we all students of this language, we would have the means to usher in this new era of peace. The campaign to gather ideas for change in America has already afforded me an opportunity to contribute, by voting for ideas rooted in nonviolent communication (see http://www.change.org/ideas/view/bridging_the_empathy_gap_-_yes_we_can).

And perhaps as I close, with so much to digest, there’s just one more thing – for the time being – for me to say. For as I think of Obama’s call to the citizens of America to take personal responsibility I want to recognise the huge contribution that we make when we choose a philosophy and an approach which is rooted in nonviolence. Perhaps, above all else, it is when enough people make this choice that America will indeed embody its creed that: “we hold these truths to be self evident that all men are created equal”.