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Coaching supervision: when anticlimax is the key measure of success

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Sometimes, the value of coaching supervision lies in its power to disarm anxieties ahead of time. This means that a key measure of the effectiveness of supervision can be the sense of anticlimax that comes when one’s worst fears fail to materialise. Meeting by phone for a supervisory session with Neil Williams I decide to share my anxieties about one particular client as part of my preparation for our forthcoming coaching session.

For me, coaching is a bit like exercise: the more regular and sustained your coaching programme, the more you will experience the benefits. So when one client postpones a session I wonder if the benefits that come from regularity and momentum will be lost. An added anxiety is the presence of a third party in the background – my client’s sponsoring manager. Is my client managing the expectations of his sponsoring manager? I don’t know.

Neil’s initial questions focus on the possibility that my client lacks commitment to his coaching. Even though I’ve already considered this possibility it’s good to voice what I know – that my client has shown great commitment during our sessions. There’s no question in my mind: commitment isn’t the issue. I’m also aware of the practical reasons for the delay.

Exploring these questions helps me to sharpen my focus. The issue is not so much “how did we get here?” (where “here” begins to look like a pattern of increasingly long gaps between sessions). Rather, the question is, having got here, how do we move forward in ways which best support my client’s progress and learning? As we explore the options, I take some ideas from Neil’s input and also add some ideas of my own. I leave our conversation with confidence and some concrete next steps which I act on immediately.

And what of my next coaching session with my client and even the one beyond? As so often happens with coaching my client brings an agenda that neither of us could have foreseen just a few weeks earlier. Our work proceeds with no impact that I can discern from the delay between sessions, though we do schedule a session a little sooner next time. Meantime, my client also has feedback from his sponsoring manager who volunteers positive feedback about my client’s progress and specifically mentions the impact of coaching.

My supervision, as so often happens, leaves me with the question: did I even need to worry in the first place? This is not to underplay the value of supervision but rather to underline it. For when I take time out for coaching supervision I am equipping myself to remove barriers to our coaching, to be fully present to my client and to provide the level of coaching support to which I aspire.

Humanity – an alternative view

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There is a field out beyond right and wrong. I will meet you there.

Rumi

It’s no surprise that the Sunday papers are full today of discussion about the release of Libyan prisoner Al-Magrahi from Scotland’s jails. Whether rightly or wrongly, Al-Magrahi was convicted of the Lockerbie bombing some twenty years ago in which 270 people – passengers on the plane that crashed and residents of Lockerbie – died.

Foreign Secretary David Milliband spoke on Radio 4 during the week and seemed to be claiming a humanitarian stance when he said:

“The sight of a mass murderer getting a hero’s welcome in Tripoli is deeply upsetting, deeply distressing, above all for the 270 families who grieve every day for the loss of their loved ones 21 years ago but also for anyone who has an ounce of humanity in them”.

When it comes to anyone with an ounce of humanity in them, my money is on Scotland’s Justice Secretary Kenny MacAskill. His words gave me great hope for a world which is truly based on humanitarian values:

“In Scotland, we are a people who pride ourselves on our humanity. It is viewed as a defining characteristic. The perpetration of an atrocity and outrage cannot and should not be the basis for losing sight of who we are, the values we seek to uphold, and the faith and beliefs by which we seek to live.

“Mr Al-Magrahi did not show his victims comfort or compassion. They were not allowed to return to the bosom of their families to live out their lives, let alone their dying days. No compassion was shown by him to them. But that alone is not a reason for us to deny compassion to him and his family in his final days.

“Compassion and mercy are about upholding the beliefs we seek to live by, remaining true to our values as a people, no matter the severity of the provocation or the atrocity perpetrated.

“For these reasons alone it is my decision that Mr Al-Magrahi be released on compassionate grounds and allowed to return to Libya to die”

Colonel Gaddafi’s son Seif Al-Islam Gaddafi responded to this decision by describing it as “a courageous and unforgettable stance from the British and Scottish governments“. I leave the final word, though, with Marshall Rosenberg, who said:

“We think need revenge but what we really need is empathy for our pain”

When “perfect” is not good enough

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Today I have been preparing my quarterly newsletter. It’s something I love to do and it’s also something that takes time. It was my aim to send one out in April and it’s now my aim to send it out before the end of this month. Meantime, I have been juggling all sorts of other activities, from tracking down a CD (from Amazon Japan) to taking a coaching call from a client. All good stuff.

This week, I have also committed to take time to pull out some of the themes from my most recent coaching session with my own coach, Lynne Fairchild. So, before I go for a walk I’m taking time to ponder just one of the themes from my coaching.

Even though we talk of our aspirations, as parents, to give our children unconditional love, we live in a society which judges. And growing up in a society which judges, we internalise the messages. In the last week, two quite different experiences have brought me face to face with my own judging self. The first experience was an interaction with a client to which my response was to judge myself oh, so harshly! And only days later, in another context entirely, I was able to let go of any messages about what I do or don’t “deserve” to receive the gift of someone else’s care. These experiences could not have been more sharply contrasted!

What do I take from them both? Connecting with the part of me that judges, I realise how much she wants to meet a standard so that she “deserves” to have her needs met. After all, this is what she learnt to do as she was growing up. There is a risk that, in order to persuade others, she seeks to be “better than” or even “perfect”. Like so many behaviours that come from our childhood selves, this carries the risk of getting in the way of the very outcomes she’s seeking for me – to be amongst people who love me and support me in meeting my needs.

I am grateful for the second experience, of letting go of judgement of self and of others to receive the gift of someone else’s care. Receiving this gift without wondering whether or not I deserve it touched me deeply. At the same time, I recognise how much the quest to be perfect – or, worst still, to hold some kind of standards for others – gets in the way of being “good enough”. Indeed, I recognise how much I want to live in a world – to create my own world – based on connecting with my needs and with the needs of others.

This brings me to a personal challenge. Oh! How I aspire to listen with an intention to connect with the needs I and others are expressing, no matter how alienated we are from our own needs and no matter what words we choose! From this place, nothing anyone can say is ever “wrong”.

As I write, I reconnect with my aspiration to do this with ease and grace.

We come as we are

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I am newly returned from The Barn, where I have been spending five days as one of a group of people who all have an interest in Nonviolent Communication (NVC). Vicky Peirce, our host, defines Nonviolent Communication in the following way on her website (at www.cometolife.org):

NVC (Nonviolent, Compassionate or Peaceful Communication) is a simple, yet profound and enjoyable process which teaches and encourages us to speak and listen to each other without blame, judgement, criticism or guilt. Over time, it can break patterns of thinking that cause pain and conflict for ourselves and others and open our hearts to mutual respect, acceptance and understanding.

To live in this way is not without challenges – not least the challenge of putting aside the ways of thinking in which we have been educated and amongst which we live in order to live from a place of acceptance and understanding. Five days at the Barn is an excellent opportunity to build this muscle of compassion – for ourselves, for others – and I come away with a deep sense of inner peace.

As I reflect, the thought that is uppermost within me is that, at any time, we come as we are. We do the best we know how in every moment and with whatever skills and resources we can muster. Of course, as Goleman has so clearly highlighted in his writings on emotional intelligence, we are vulnerable to what he calls the amygdala hijack – the moment when some comment or event triggers pain that is already within us and prompts an immediate and oftentimes ineffective response. NVC provides the tools to handle our own moments of pain as well as to meet others with compassion.

More than this, I notice that the more I am living from a place of compassion, the more I am able to meet my own needs at such moments. What’s more, the more my own needs are met – if you like, the more my own cup is full – the more I am able to bring love and compassion to my dealings with others. From this place, it matters not that others around me may bring blame and judgement, nor that they may lack skill or compassion. For I am able to be compassionate with myself and to be present to others – no matter what.

I am grateful for the experience I have had with its many, many gifts. I am grateful to Vicky for providing this space of learning, fun and nurture. I am grateful to my fellow group members for more acts of kindness than I can possibly list. I am restored – and ready for bed.

Saying farewell to March

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Every now and then life gets a little laden with busy-ness. So today I sit down to write a few words, wondering even as I write what to write about.

I am in the midst of preparing trainings for a couple of clients and have had my head down. I shall be working with one client to provide training in aspects of leadership. I shall be working with another to offer training in the kinds of competency-based interviews I use when I assess candidates for senior leadership roles. I confess I am especially looking forward to delivering this latter training – it engages the ‘geek’ in me, who loves the technologies used to interview candidates and to analyse (or ‘code’) the interviews. And all this preparation alongside working with coaching clients – not to mention all the other activities involved in running a business.

Alongside this, I am just beginning to plan for my next newsletter and recognise that I need to get my skates on if I am to send it out in April as I plan. I am wondering whether to write about the kinds of ways we can use during the recession (and other challenging times) to stay on top of the world. I have yet to put pen to paper and still, my thoughts are brewing.

And outside, the evening is light and the trees are in blossom. I am enjoying the blossoming springtime as March gives way to April. Maybe I should say “as the birds are twittering away”, for I am aware that this posting brings me as close to “twittering” as I have come to date.

Talking about ecology

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Increasingly, I am struck by the places where my own interests and those of my niece meet. As an ecologist, currently writing up her PhD thesis, Rebecca is constantly alert to the implications of human choices for the wider ecology of our planet. As an executive coach, it’s my view that the choices we make reflect varying levels of awareness of the needs we are actually seeking to meet by our actions. The more we choose from a place of self awareness and honesty, the more likely we are to make choices that are ecologically sound.

In the realm of human choice I use the word ‘ecological’ with a particular meaning. We have an inner ecology as well as living in a wider ecological setting. In the field of neuro-linguistic programming (or NLP) practitioners talk of the ‘ecology check’. This is a process by which we check in with ourselves before confirming a decision, a process which recognises that what seems logical or in some way ‘correct’ may still leave us feeling uncomfortable. We are ready to make a decision when our minds, hearts and guts are all telling us, ‘yes, this is the right decision’.

This sounds easy though there are many factors that affect our decision-making processes. I could point to external factors – how do we decide with confidence when we have to decide in haste and with inadequate information? Sometimes, external circumstances do not conspire in our favour. Perhaps, though, we need to pay more attention to ourselves. For whilst there are times when we find ourselves in circumstances we cannot change, we can develop the capability to be aware of our needs, to accept them, and to make decisions that support us in meeting our needs.

I am particularly aware of this in our current business and economic context, for it seems to me that – at many levels – the question ‘What do I want?’ often goes unasked. The individual executive may continue to spend beyond his or her means even whilst becoming more wealthy with each successive promotion – and still feel hollow inside. It’s as if the actions taken are ‘the wrong tool for the job’. They don’t meet the needs of the executive concerned precisely because he or she does not know what needs s/he’s trying to meet. And when organisations are comprised of individuals who lack this self awareness or have a culture which discourages this self awareness, is it any surprise that they pursue business goals whilst failing to ask what outcomes these business goals serve?

How does this link to the wider ecology of our planet? Perhaps the first and easiest thing to say is that the more we make choices (individual, organisational) from a place of awareness of our needs, the more likely we are to make choices that serve the wider planet, not least because we all have a need to contribute to others and to the world around us. I would add that nature has a way of providing feedback which is always available to direct us – if only we are alert to its messages. In the current recession I wonder if we are willing to dig deep and understand the messages that are on offer to us and I suspect not. With or without the current recession, I wonder how serious we are about creating an economy which not only serves us, but also serves our children, our grandchildren and beyond.

This is a question raised by The Corporation (available as a book and as a DVD). When I first watched the DVD, courtesy of my friend Mark, I found its messages so hard-hitting that I put it to one side in pain. This weekend I felt ready to view it again. This time, in the midst of so many messages about the damage corporations wreak (on those who work for them, on the environment, on… on… on…) I was drawn to one of the central voices of hope, Ray Anderson, CEO of Interface. Anderson describes reading a book, Paul Hawken’s The Ecology of Commerce, as an epiphanal experience. After reading this book, Anderson set out to reshape Interface completely. The company now has a vision: ‘To be the first company that, by its deeds, shows the entire industrial world what sustainability is in all its dimensions: People, process, product, place and profits — by 2020 — and in doing so we will become restorative through the power of influence’. You can hear Anderson speak on YouTube, at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcRDUIbT4gw.

As I write what has become my longest posting yet, I feel the passion that draws me to this subject and I recognise how many ideas I have put forward that are subjects in themselves, waiting to be explored. At its heart, this posting is about ecology – the idea that we are all part of a systemic whole. Should the worse case scenario of planetary destruction take place, it won’t be for lack of feedback from our eco-system. The fact that coaching can support individuals in listening to those messages – from without, from within – is one of the things that gives me hope.

Mr Fox’s new home

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Yesterday, the snow fell all day in London, with a variety of – predictable and less predictable – effects. Travel was difficult. I had a meeting by phone that we’d planned to have face to face. Many of my local shops were closed. Londoners, who normally avoid eye contact with strangers, were cheery in sharing their comments about the snow. And of course, Radio 4 featured the inevitable discussion this morning about the extent to which roads were cleared and whether or not we should invest more in order to be equipped for events that happen so rarely.

This morning the snow is still deep and there were warnings on radio and television to expect roads to be more dangerous than yesterday as a result of the ice. The sun is shining, adding to the beauty of the snowy London scenes whilst also causing snow to fall from trees and rooftops.

Today, the snow has also given me the answer to a question I have been asking myself since I first noticed Mr Fox showing an interest in the compost heap at the bottom of my garden. It happened that I noticed him take a look at this spot and begin to dig underneath the mottly heap of vegetable peelings. I have looked at the hole without being able to see if he actually moved in. Yesterday I looked for signs in the snow. There were none.

This morning, though, I woke to the clear signs that an animal – I think a fox – had left the hole to wander round the garden, lingering around the bushes and maybe even wandering into the neighbours garden. I wonder if (hope that) I will get to enjoy the beautiful sight of a fox walking through the snow.

Nighttime musings

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Every now and then, when something is on my mind, I wake in the middle of the night. Tonight is one of those nights. I have learnt to get up and make myself a hot drink, to read for a while before returning, easily, to sleep.

Tonight I decide to write a few lines on my blog. I am aware that I wrote less often in January than I aim to. I began the month by resting as much as I could to support my body in recovering from a lingering winter bug and then entered a busy couple of weeks.

Waking in the middle of the night I look out on the nighttime beauty of the snow that started to fall in the early evening and is now several inches deep. The light has a quality all of its own as all light reflects from the bright untrodden snow. I enjoy this winter scene.

And before returning to sleep, I take a moment to celebrate my brother, Alan, who is fifty today and my mother, who gave birth fifty years ago to her first child.

New Year’s Resolutions: friend or foe?

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I was struck today by the following request made on the Training Journal Daily Digest:

“Now that we are mid-way into January, we here at the Training Journal wondered how many of you have managed to stick to your New Year’s resolutions about continuous personal development?”

What does it say about New Year’s resolutions – or about those of us who make them – that they so famously fall by the wayside by the end of January?

Now, one could write a book on this subject – there’s far more to say than I am going to say in this posting. Today, I’m going to confine myself to just two observations.

The first is this. How many of us make our New Year’s resolutions from a place of “should” and “ought”? I should give up smoking. I ought to lose weight. I must go to the gym. These are the resolutions we are most likely to sabotage. Perhaps we don’t get started. Perhaps we make a token effort and quickly stop taking action. Maybe we even carry out those resolutions by the letter – but not by the spirit. This latter seems to be particularly true when our half-hearted resolutions are to provide support for others. Have you ever, for example, been so frustrated by the spirit in which your spouse (or kid) carries out an agreement (to unload the dishwasher, pick up the kids, etc.) that you’ve asked them to stop.

Now it may be that the thing you feel you ought to do is the thing you really want to do. And this brings me to my second observation about New Year’s resolutions. Often, between the recognition that you want to do something and the actions needed to carry it out, there are a number of steps needed to create the inner resolve needed to take action. So if you’ve moved straight from “wanting to get fit” to “going twice a week to the gym” you may have overlooked key factors that are standing in the way. Why, for example, did you not go twice a week to the gym last year? Here, too, I could say a whole lot more than can be said in a single posting.

So I close with an invitation, which is to notice how gladly you feel about doing those things you’ve resolved to do this year. As a coach, I often invite my clients to give a “mark out of ten” as a way of gauging where they’re starting from. If your mark is anything less than ten, even if you yearn to achieve your intended outcomes, perhaps you need to pay attention to the inner resistance that’s holding you back as well as to take action towards your goals.

Perhaps, even, with the help of a coach…

Congratulations, Mr President

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20th January, 2009. The day of the inauguration of Mr. Barack Hussein Obama as the first African American President of the United States of America. It is not by foresight that I have no appointments this afternoon and still, I seize the opportunity to watch the inauguration as it unfolds.

Obama’s election to the Presidency has been widely hailed as the fulfilment of Martin Luther King Jr’s dream and so it is. Luther King’s dream was both simple and audacious, a dream that America’s African Americans would be afforded the same opportunities as his white brothers, in line with America’s founding creed that “we hold these truths to be self evident that all men are created equal“. At the time he made this speech, in 1963, this level of equality was way outside the experience of many African Americans. It’s hard not to notice that, for many African and non-white Americans, this is still true today. Still, the election of Barack Hussein Obama today seems to be the embodiment both of America’s dream and of the dream of Martin Luther King – a symbol of hope.

If America’s African Americans are emotional today as they witness an event their grandparents could barely imagine, so am I, white British, citizen of a world in which we continue to view others – from our brothers and sisters to people of other nations and creeds – as our enemies. It seems to me that by electing Obama to the post of President of the United States of America the people of America – people of diverse ages and ethnicities – have finally been able to embrace each other fully and to ask, without prejudice, “who is the right man or woman for the job?” And this, in turn, gives me hope that, increasingly, America’s politicians might step out onto the world stage with the ability and the will to embrace their brothers and sisters around the world in a new way. Not as enemies, always as brothers and sisters, though sometimes as friends they haven’t made yet.

Listening to every part of the inaugural ceremony, there are signs of this intention. Amidst the many themes in Obama’s speech (which will no doubt be analysed and commented on around the world) I take comfort when I hear Obama say:

“We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus – and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.”

The idea that we might, around the world, come to see and respond to our common humanity is echoed in Elizabeth Alexander’s poem as she asks “What if the mightiest word is love?” More than anything, this is what I wanted to hear.

There is a moment as I watch and listen when I feel drawn to America and to contribute to the embodiment of this dream. I say this in all humility. For I count it as a great blessing to be a student of Marshall Rosenberg’s nonviolent communication and I live in the belief that, were we all students of this language, we would have the means to usher in this new era of peace. The campaign to gather ideas for change in America has already afforded me an opportunity to contribute, by voting for ideas rooted in nonviolent communication (see http://www.change.org/ideas/view/bridging_the_empathy_gap_-_yes_we_can).

And perhaps as I close, with so much to digest, there’s just one more thing – for the time being – for me to say. For as I think of Obama’s call to the citizens of America to take personal responsibility I want to recognise the huge contribution that we make when we choose a philosophy and an approach which is rooted in nonviolence. Perhaps, above all else, it is when enough people make this choice that America will indeed embody its creed that: “we hold these truths to be self evident that all men are created equal”.