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Restorative Justice – the NVC way

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In 2006 I was privileged to hear Dominic Barter talk about his work in the field of Restorative Justice. Dominic, who is based in and works in Brazil, told the story of a baker who, when he learnt that the man who had killed his son when attempting to steal a loaf of bread had no other way to get food that day, was moved to offer the man a job in his bakery. I find it hard to share this story (as I have done many times) without being moved to tears. This is the power of the kind of deep mutual understanding that can come from Restorative Justice.

What is Restorative Justice? Searching the internet I find a source of information at http://www.restorativejustice.org/. This website offers a set of slides which provide background before offering a definition – an invaluable resource for those who are searching for information. In essence (my brief attempt at a definition) Restorative Justice recognises that there is scope to build understanding between the “offender” and his or her “victim” in ways which repair the damage done – hence the term “restorative” – and that this in turn can have a positive, even healing effect across whole communities. Perhaps the most famous example of Restorative Justice is the Truth and Reconciliation process that took place in South Africa after the ending of apartheid.

I think of this when an e-mail lands in my in-tray from a member of the NVC-UK e-group, a group of committed practitioners of Nonviolent Communication. The e-mail, in response to a query, highlights Dominic’s work and provides sources of information which I decide to include here. They are:

As I write I imagine that some of my readers might be asking “what’s this got to do with us in the workplace?” I’d love to read your thoughts here – and share my own tomorrow.

Celebrating my niece on her travels

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Well, it’s all well and good setting yourself up to write a blog whilst you’re away. But the technology we use every day at home is not always available when you’re on your travels.
Yesterday my niece, Rebecca, e-mailed me to ask if I would upload some photos onto her blog. It seems that even now she has the technology at her finger-tips she doesn’t have access to her blog.
I take some time to upload them, one by one. I have positioned myself as the anonymous blogger but my brother Alan is on the case almost immediately and I just don’t have the skill commonly known as “bare-faced lying”. My cover is already blown.
I take a moment to share a photo from Rebecca’s trip here on my own blog. Rebecca is front right and her friend Suzannah is on the left. I don’t know who the young man in the middle is – though probably not the Mongolian monk who features in another of Rebecca’s photos.

How do you change a thought?

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It’s the end of the day and I find myself responding to a question on the Coaching At Work LinkedIn group – a great forum for coaches. There is already a line of responses to Len Williamson’s provocative question: “How do you change a thought?”

I decide to offer a few thoughts of my own before I close at the end of the day:

I smile when I read you say “I am trained in Gestalt (but still learning so much)”. What a different thought this is if you replace the “but” with an “and”!

What a rich diversity of responses, too. I am so grateful to Coaching At Work for providing this place of exchange as well as to you for asking the question and to everyone who has (and has yet to) respond.

A few random thoughts of my own. NVC (Nonviolent Communication) uses feelings as a route to awareness. Why am I angry, sad etc.? The aim is to connect with underlying needs that are or aren’t being met. Also some emotions (anger, guilt, shame etc.) point to a particular way of thinking – that somebody (self or other) has done something “wrong”. A practitioner of NVC understands that thinking this way gives away our power and limits our options.

Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) offers all sorts of ways to change one’s thinking – and so it should! Bandler and Grindler and their followers have set out to beg, borrow and steal (a matter of perspective!) the best that’s out there.

As coaches, don’t we ask loads of questions that invite awareness, open up options, facilitate thinking choices – at the “this thought” and “all thoughts” (meta-programme) level?

Maybe the most liberating thought of all is this: that we get to choose what we think and it’s OK to do so.

Social networking and the law of attraction

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It’s a busy week this week. As well as my coaching, I have an assessment report to write and all sorts of appointments. One of them seems to me to be pure luxury – for I’m just back from an extended lunch with Michael Crane.

I met Michael soon after I started my own business. Come to that, I met Michael soon after he started his, when I phoned to enquire about his company’s offering as stationery suppliers, early in 2003. I’ve watched Michael’s business grow in the time I’ve known him and I’ve appreciated the service I get from Michael’s team. Matthew, my regular contact, phones me every now and again to say hello and to ask if there’s anything I need. I don’t feel “sold to”. Rather, I feel looked after.

I’ve also watched Michael grow during this time. It’s one thing to buy a bit of stationery, sell it, and deliver it in your one and only van. It’s another thing to grow a business, to employ staff, to create approaches which can be replicated on a large scale… Many entrepreneurs fail to reach this stage. Michael comes to our lunch brimming with excitement and full of learning and of a desire – an eagerness – to learn.

Over a leisurely lunch we talk about the progress of our respective businesses, our plans for the future, the books we are enjoying right now (Michael has enjoyed Goleman’s The New Leaders. I mention my friend Rosie Miller’s book Are You A Badger or a Doormat? Seth Godin gets a look-in, too). And all this whilst our conversation circles round and then settles on a key topic – social networking and the law of attraction.

Michael has been studying the law of attraction via the DVD The Secret and is currently exploring what it means for his approach to building his business. Like me, he is actively starting to explore LinkedIn. We talk about our membership of various LinkedIn groups. Only recently, Michael put his Olympic Goal for his business on his LinkedIn profile – £10 million by 2012. He really is putting it out to the universe.

And I wonder, what is it that attracted Michael and I to go beyond the purely transactional? Surely, this is the law of attraction in action.

I am the enemy you killed, my friend

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I am the enemy you killed, my friend.
I knew you in this dark: for so you frowned
Yesterday through me as you jabbed and killed.
I parried; but my hands were loath and cold.
Let us sleep now . . .

Wilfred Owen

The other day I bought my poppy as I always do, this time in my local shopping centre. Perhaps more than ever before, though, I have been thoughtful. What does it mean to give money in this way? And what does the poppy symbolize that I have pinned to my coat?

I look back and remember the men who died in the First and Second World Wars. I think of those who still live. And I remember. When I grew up our talk of these wars was laden with ideas of “right” and “wrong”. To have fought was to be proud. Behind the rhetoric lay many unspoken subtleties and a great deal of human suffering.

This year, in the UK, our remembrance spans a full century, from those men who went to the most awful of wars early in the 20th Century to those whose bodies have come home and into the care of grieving family, friends and relatives early in the 21st Century.

Always, the words of Wilfred Owen come to mind. I am the enemy you killed, my friend. For whatever the rhetoric of war – and of our politicians here in 2009 – the men, women and children who die in conflict are just that. Men. Women. Children. Our fellow human beings.

As I remember I also look forward, yearning for a time when we come to differences of view – whether person to person, ethnic group to ethnic group, religion to religion or nation to nation – with the deep understanding of our shared humanity implied in this line in Owen’s poem, Strange Meeting. I think of the clarity of intention, the heart and spirit, the skills needed to make this dream a reality.

And, meantime, I remember all those who are involved in or affected by war. I remember that, whatever “side” we think we are on, we are all doing the best we know how – for now. And I remember that there is a future and that we do have the capacity to learn. If not yet, some time…

The purpose of nonviolent communication (3): pure natural giving

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In the DVD Making Life Wonderful, in which Marshall Rosenberg teaches a group of adults about nonviolent communication, his third of three statements of purpose goes something like this:

whatever is done is done through pure, natural giving

One way to understand what is meant by “pure natural giving” is to reflect on all the times you have chosen to do things out of a sense of duty or obligation. In the family you may well have rules which have been handed down from generation to generation such that there are things that you do out of some sense of what’s expected rather than because you choose to. In the workplace there may be rules – both written and unwritten – that you follow more or less reluctantly because you “have to”. Pure natural giving, by contrast, is the kind of giving that you do because it meets your need to give. It’s the kind of giving that you do with joy.

The difference is not always in what you give or what you do and what you don’t give or do. No, it might equally be in the awareness that you have that you are indeed choosing to give and that your choice does indeed meet your needs. Pure natural giving comes from this awareness of choosing and of choosing to meet your own needs. Consider the difference, for example, between saying “I have to take John through the disciplinary process because his performance is poor and that’s the rules” and saying any one of the following statements:

  • “I am choosing to take John through the disciplinary process because I’m aware that if I don’t I may open myself up to criticism from my boss. Having this job helps me to meet my needs for security – having a home, food to eat etc. – and I don’t want to put my needs at risk”;
  • “I’ve noticed how other members of the team are beginning to show signs of resenting John in the team and I want to do something about it so that everyone’s needs can be met. Taking John through the disciplinary process is one way of exploring the issue and looking for ways forward”;
  • “Over time I’ve observed how John works hard and still falls short of delivering in his job. I want to contribute to John and I believe that taking him through the disciplinary process will help us to explore what the issue is and to find a way forward so that John can thrive in his work”.

Each statement shows that the speaker acts out of a clear awareness both of choosing to act and of meeting his or her own needs by doing so, including the need to contribute to others.

It may surprise anyone who is not familiar with nonviolent communication (or NVC) to hear that pure natural giving is something we do to meet our own needs. It is not that we give whether or not it meets the needs of others. On the contrary! The practitioner of nonviolent communication understands his or her need to contribute to others and seeks feedback to understand the impact of his or her actions. At the same time, pure natural giving is something we do to meet our need to contribute. It is by acting in service of our own needs that our motive is pure and natural. In this sense the practitioner of NVC is “self-full” rather than selfless or even selfish.

I wonder, how does this land with you?

The purpose of nonviolent communication (2): valuing needs

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The second of three statements of purpose of nonviolent communication which Marshall Rosenberg outlines in the DVD Making Life Wonderful goes something like this:

valuing another person’s needs being met as much as we do our own

It’s easy to see the level of challenge this might imply. Even in our most loving and intimate relationships there will be times when it seems impossible to honour another person’s needs without giving up on our own. And that’s before we consider all sorts of relationships we have at home and at work, let alone relationships on a larger scale – between political parties, or nations, or ethnic or religious groups…

Rosenberg is quick to differentiate between needs and the means or “strategy” by which we meet our needs. For whether we are discussing who’s turn it is to do the washing up or mediating between rival countries, a discussion held at the level of strategy is likely to lead to an impasse. Once different parties truly understand each others’ needs, however, it becomes much easier to generate ways in which everybody’s needs can be met. In other words, the challenge is not in finding ways in which everyone’s needs can be met: it’s in reaching a point in time in which everybody’s needs are understood and valued.

It’s easy to see how Rosenberg’s second statement of purpose is connected with the first – the intention to achieve equality of connection, in which we see each other’s humanness, free of enemy images or moralistic judgements. For as long as I see another person (or an organisation, or a country, or, or, or…) through the lense of moralistic judgement, why should I chose to connect with their underlying needs?

Nonviolent communication invites its followers to put aside such judgements and to make the connection with needs (one’s own and those of others) central to communication and a means by which equality of connection is attained.

I wonder, how often do you ask yourself “what needs am I seeking to fulfil right now?” when you are talking with others? And what thoughts do you have as you consider this idea?

The purpose of nonviolent communication (1): connection

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Every now and then I take time to watch the videos I have of Marshall Rosenberg working with groups to study nonviolent communication (or NVC). And although I’ve been studying NVC for a few years now and have watched the videos Making Life Wonderful a few times, too, I am struck – in about section 6 of 8 – by Marshall’s description of the purpose of nonviolent communication and decide to share it here.

Marshall’s statement of purpose has three parts and the first part goes something like this:

equality of connection with others in which we see each other’s humanness and are free from enemy images or moralistic judgements

Now, the idea of connecting with others is not new. In my own Christian upbringing I was told to love my neighbour as myself. (What do other faiths say? Please share your thoughts on this from your own faith). In my NLP trainings, which I treasure, Ian McDermott placed great emphasis on rapport, describing it as one of the four pillars of NLP. In other words, if you want to be effective, you have to be able to get on with people.

Even so, it seems to me that this clear statement of NVC purpose goes a step further than any objective we commonly set ourselves in our modern day communication with others, where obeying some common laws of politeness (saying please and thank you, kissing your aunt on the cheek etc.) leaves plenty of room to make judgements or to hold enemy images. Indeed, in a world in which we judge, doesn’t judging others in some way free us from the obligation to be polite?

So, the level of challenge implied in this first statement of NVC purpose is great. Some of us may already harbour the odd grudge against our nearest and dearest – the son we describe as “lazy” or the wife we describe as “nagging”. And that’s before we go any further. Having watched the behaviour, for example, of some members of the audience towards Nick Griffin on the recent BBC Question Time it seemed that some were holding enemy images of Mr. Griffin in their minds – and felt justified in doing so.

Signing up to nonviolent communication means seeking to see beyond an individual’s actions and through to the simple humanity of the individual. It means placing ourselves neither above nor below others. It means seeking to understand even those actions we most abhor. The more committed we are in our practive of NVC, the more we return to this simple – and yet challenging – objective. And yes, that’s our son, or wife or colleague in the workplace. It’s Nick Griffin or any other politician you might care to mention. It’s every man, woman or child who has ever committed an act deemed criminal. The list is long…

I wonder, how does this idea land with you? And are you up for it?

Putting one’s addictions to good use

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It’s a while since I determined to put my addiction to writing to good use. Starting to blog is one outcome from setting this intention and signing up to the Writers* Bureau course is another.

Of course, if alcoholism is anything to go by, the gap between an addiction and any related activity may be insurmountable. Who would imagine that drinking great quantities of alcohol might predispose one to success as a wine taster? Of course, this is not to suggest that the Training Journal Daily Digest is the writer’s equivalent of cheap cider.

Today I take advantage of a day without appointments to take out Assignment 2# and review it before sending it off to my target publication, the Coaching at Work magazine. I don’t know how the magazine’s editor, Liz Hall, might respond – especially after my posting to the Coaching at Work LinkedIn discussion board last week (“Would you coach Nick Griffin?”) aroused her concern that we might unintentionally post content which is “unlawful, libelous, abusive, obscene, discriminatory or otherwise objectionable”. And if the magazine’s submission guidelines are anything to go by, it may be a while before I find out.

For now though, it’s “phew!” I didn’t imagine it would take me quite so long to make final amendments. Soon, I shall start to plan for Assignment 3#. First, though, I have some catching up to do.

*sic. I never quite feel comfortable about the lack of possessive apostrophe.

Nonviolent communication and the Buddha

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Since I first read Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life in 2003 (thanks, Aled) I have – via the trainings I have attended and other events – met more followers of Buddhism than in the 40 years that preceded my first encounter with this (my “Desert Island”) book.

When I mention this to a colleague – and share my intention to understand more about Buddhism – he recommends a book which I am quick to order: The Heart of The Buddha’s Teaching, by Thich Nhat Hanh.

This is quickly followed by a number of links to websites on Deep Ecology, another way to understand Buddhist thinking and philosophy. These include links to Joanna Macey’s website, to Chris Johnstone’s website, to the Great Turning Times newsletter and to the Network of Engaged Buddhists.

Even the most cursory glance at these websites resonates strongly with my own philosophy and experience – making the link between our own inner ecology and our wider impact on the planet. This is in turn linked to an article I wrote recently and for which I am currently seeking a publisher. I have strong encouragement from my niece who is a committed ecologist. Whilst recognising the ongoing devastation of our planet and highlighting the role of industry in accelerating this trend, these sites speak of the possibility of a reversal of this trend, which they call The Great Turning. I am curious to explore more.

Oh! And I follow my colleague’s hint and sign up for daily tweets by the Dalai Lama – and quickly receive an e-mail entitled Dalai Lama is now following you on Twitter. How cool is that?!