All posts by Dorothy Nesbit

Coaching? My personal experience was so good I’d like to carry on

Clients and testimonials, ,

Often, organisations sponsor coaching for individuals and only rarely does it take place in the context of a wider programme, despite the benefits that can come from developing the skills and raising the performance of whole teams.  Jo Vigor was my coaching client in one such programme and had first-hand experience of coaching as well as indirect experience of the impact of coaching on her staff. In her testimonial she mentions the overall impact of the programme whilst focusing on her own experience of coaching:

In the workplace – organisationally – the coaching programme helped everyone, enriched staff and the team so that we are working better.


In my own coaching the biggest goal was to take stock and give me confidence and I give this a big tick. Working with Dorothy helped me to consolidate and gave closure after some important life events (my divorce and the death of my father) so that I have been able to let go of baggage and I am now able to look forward.


At work, I understand my role and I see myself as a professional in my own right and a confident leader – my confidence has grown. I am more outspoken and willing to challenge the Board of Directors. Also I have made changes in the way I handle challenge in personal relationships. At the same time, I’ve learned not to take myself so seriously.


In addition, we took time to reflect on where I am now and where I might be going next. Coaching has changed how I see myself for the future – I have an expanded view of what’s possible for me and I have been “trying it on for size”. Our coaching left me with some questions I’d like to explore further about what next.


Personally, I appreciated Dorothy’s style. On the one hand, her professional management of our coaching was good – she contracted well so that I knew what I was signing up for, she was prompt and well organised and the homeworks she gave me were good. On the other hand, she was able to engage both as my work coach and with me as a person. Within three minutes of meeting me she had asked the searching questions. She was able to work with my style – she let me let off steam and then we would explore. In short, it was like having an “adult parent” – going back to see your Mum but having a confidential adult conversation.


Coaching? My personal experience was so good I’d like to carry on.

Jo Vigor
WCL Consulting

And I also extend an invitation to you: if Jo’s testimonial describes an experience you would like to have, or if you know someone who may be interested to work with me, please contact me directly via dorothy@learningforlifeconsulting.co.uk.

Leadership and the Anatomy of the Spirit

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, , , ,

It’s Friday night in the run-up to a concert.  Tutti night, when the chorus and orchestra get together for the first time to prepare for a concert on Sunday.  Even though I know there won’t be much down-time in this particular rehearsal, I have my book with me in the hope that I might be able to continue my reading.  Part-way through the rehearsal one of my colleagues leans over and asks to take a look.  I send the book down the row, marking a page I think might be of particular interest.  I don’t see it for the remainder of the rehearsal.  When it comes back she comments:  “It should be essential reading”.

The book’s author, Caroline Myss, is – it seems to me – an extraordinary woman who has become what is known as a “medical intuitive”.  With very little information about the individuals concerned, Myss found she could diagnose illnesses and pinpoint the causes of those illnesses and the energetic or spiritual challenges faced by the individuals concerned.  It wasn’t always that way.  In the preface to her book she charts her transition from newspaper journalist to theology student to founder of Stillpoint publishing company to medical intuitive.  This latter is not something she sought out.  Her initial experiences in this area left her confused and a little scared and it was a while before she met C. Norman Shealy, M.D., Ph.D and began to support her intuitive abilities with an intensive study with him of the physical anatomy of the human body.

In her book, Anatomy of the Spirit:  The Seven Stages of Power and Healing, Myss sets out to teach the reader the language of energy with which she works, offering a summation of her fourteen years of research into anatomy and intuition, body and mind, spirit and power.  She draws on a number of spiritual traditions including the Hinda chakra, the Christian sacraments and the Kabbalah’s Tree of Life to present a new view of how the body and spirit work together.  In reading Myss’ book, I was fascinated by the model she outlines, charting the energetic content of each chakra, its location, its energy connection to the emotional/mental body, primary fears, primary strengths, sacred truths and more.  This is a map of the spiritual challenges we face in our lives in which Myss also shares many stories from her work which illustrate the implications of embracing – or not – those essential human challenges.

For those already familiar with the world of energy and comfortable with the language of the spirit, Myss’ book is a fascinating read and a reference to return to again and again.  At the same time, Myss’ book is not only for the spiritual seeker.  In the often more guarded language of the business world, Myss is addressing aspects of what is often called emotional intelligence.  Many books for example, (including Alfie Kohn’s Punished by Rewards and more recently Daniel Pink’s Drive:  The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us) highlight research findings which demonstrate unequivocally that we give our best performance when we are driven by our own intrinsic motivation rather than by external punishment and reward.  In the language of the spirit this is about our intuition and inner guidance – something Myss covers amply throughout this book.

As I read what I have written so far, I also think of the need for leaders to be able to uderstand themselves, to understand others and to understand the context in which they work – the organisational and wider culture.  I think of how often my own work as executive coach supports individuals in facing the very challenges Myss outlines in this book:  what would it mean for leaders to be able to support themselves and others in the same way?  Myss’ book offers powerful and intriguing insights for the leader from the world of (as it has become known) alternative medicine.

PS  Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Being the change: the challenge of owning my “genius”

Coaching, ,

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?”
Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.  There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us;  it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson
A Return to Love

On Monday I wrote about the challenges of being the change you want to see in the world.  I didn’t expect to return so soon to this subject to highlight another challenge – the challenge of owning my “genius”.  I take this term genius from Gay Hendricks’ book The Big Leap, a book which invites readers to step beyond their “zone of excellence” and embrace their true genius.

Marianne Williamson’s famous passage, from her book A Return to Love which quotes in turn from the book A Course In Miracles from the Foundation for Inner Peace, points squarely to this challenge and to its implications.  Society’s call to modesty often holds us back and at the same time to hold back is to embrace the law of unintended consequences.  As a coach with a passion to help people to embrace and inhabit their full potential I feel the challenge of choosing between society’s call and my own authenticity in modelling to my clients what I yearn for them to be able to do for themselves.

Today, Kathy Mallary, my coach (with special skills in the area of marketing for coaches) has been holding my feet to the fire, challenging me not only to write a statement of my genius (using the questions Gay Hendricks offers in his book) but also to place myself firmly in the centre.  This is what I came up with (how does it land with you?):

 My Genius




I’m at my best when I’m growing and developing powerful, compassionate and authentic relationships with myself and between myself and others.

When I’m at my best, the exact thing I’m doing is seeing beyond my current limitations to be present to my full potential so that I can develop a trust or knowing that I have a place in the world – a place of true belonging, a place in which my true self is truly a gift to the world. I am also identifying and taking meaningful practical actions towards living in and from my place of true belonging.

When I’m doing this, the thing I most love about it is seeing things falling into place (my own sense of self, new insights into my true path etc.) and experiencing – seeing and feeling – the sense of peace and harmony that comes from this: within myself, within others, and in the relationships between myself and others. This is life within nature’s true and harmonious laws – no “forcing” needed. As I blossom everyone and everything around me also blossoms.

Dorothy Nesbit
October 2010

PS  Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

On the challenges of “being the change”

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

Many times, Mahatma Gandhi invited people to “be the change you want to see in the world”.  Gandhi pioneered satyagraha, or the resistance of tyranny through mass civil disobedience.  As much as he was firm in his pursuit of the rights of Indian people, Gandhi was also committed to total nonviolence.  Gandhi’s invitation to “be the change” brings us back to some essential truths.  Why should others embody ways of being that we ourselves do not embody?  And anyway, the truth is, we cannot change the others, we can only change ourselves.

For me, understanding these truths has been an important part of what brought me to coaching – to being a coach. And like peeling the layers of an onion, I find that every time I reach one new frontier in my learning another one opens up. And yes, from time to time, life sends a reminder that I’m not there yet. This is how it was last week.

On Tuesday, in conversation with person A, I listened to her as she expressed a view I didn’t share and said it didn’t resonate with me.  When she repeated it I said I found it more helpful to look at it differently and shared my thinking.  When she repeated it a third time I found my emotions were triggered.  Our conversation turned from the matter in hand to the way we were interacting with each other.

On Wednesday, I was sitting next to person B’s wife on the London Underground as, standing in front of us both,  he told her how much he disliked the English.  As the people around him began to exchange glances at each other I felt the discomfort rising in me as I listened to him talk and talk and talk… I was grateful when, eventually, two women claiming to be off-duty officers invited him to leave the train.

On Thursday, I finally got round to responding to an e-mail on a forum for followers of nonviolent communication from person C.  It was an e-mail I hadn’t enjoyed reading and I was concerned for the person she’s written it to as well as concerned about its effect on the wider group.  I decided to share my concerns openly and to invite a conversation amongst group members.

As the week progressed I found myself reflecting more and more on what was going on in me in response to all these exeriences.  Following each experience I recognised just how much I was putting the focus of my attention on the other person.  Surely person A should hear and respect me when I shared with her that I simply didn’t share her view – and let it go!  Surely person B should know in advance that talking about how much you dislike the English on the London Underground was going to offend people and cause an argument!  Surely person C should see that her e-mail – on a forum for students of nonviolence – was at odds with some of the most fundamental teachings we seek to follow!  Even as I write I feel the seductive lure of putting the other person in the wrong.

Catching myself in this way of thinking I remind myself that violence – and nonviolence – begins on the inside, with our thoughts and feelings.  Even if we follow all the steps that we can identify en route to nonviolence, if we do so from a place of wanting to be right, we fuel violence in the world.  Thinking in this way I am not being the change I want to see in the world.  This is not to say that I would want to hold back from expressing a different view or making a request of the other person.  Rather, this is to recognise that I would like to do so whilst accepting that, like me, they are where they are, doing the best they know how in a given moment.

And as my perspective starts to shift, I see reasons to be grateful to these people, each and every one.  For my experiences with them are a reminder of my own aspirations, to be able to respond to behaviours I don’t enjoy, to express my needs and to make requests of others whilst accepting them fully as my brothers and sisters in this world – and whilst accepting their behaviour as OK, the best way they know how to meet their needs at a given point in time.  What’s more, my experiences are a reminder that I am on my way – and still not there yet.

Falling in love with Janacek, our beloved Sir Colin and Simon O’Neill

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I am following up after a first meeting with a new coaching client.  I have promised to send her links to whatever postings I have already written (and possibly to write another) on the subject of appreciation.  As I scan through the postings that sit under the label “celebrating” I am struck by several that relate my experiences of singing with the London Symphony Chorus.  I smile, for I am in the midst of one such experience right now and – not for the first time – find myself falling in love.

We have been rehearsing Janacek’s Glagolitic Mass which we performed on Sunday and will perform again this evening.  It is a challenging piece with entries for the chorus which are hard to place even whilst requiring great precision.  We have been told that, in its original version, it was deemed too difficult to sing so that Janacek was asked to re-write it.  It is not to everyone’s taste – I know of one member of the chorus whose choice it is not to sing this piece – and still, it is to my taste.  I love the exuberant proclamation of faith that is written into the text and resonate to a quote from Edward Seckerson, music critic for The Times, when he says:  “One way of looking at Janacek’s Glagolitic Mass is to imagine that the voices raised in affirmation and outrage are those of pagans who have been Christian for about a week”.  This is music that brings a fresh eye – and voice – to the liturgy.

Sir Colin Davis is our maestro for the evening and an old friend through our many years of singing under his baton with the London Symphony and other Orchestras.  When my niece asks me, following our Sunday morning rehearsal, how I see the role of conductor, I reflect on the preparation we have had to sing as well as on the extent to which we rely on Sir Colin for those difficult entries.  It’s not just that he has prepared us for this piece.  Over the years we have heard him remind us (many times!) to come in early and “don’t chew the vowels!”  As I write I feel grateful for the opportunity to sing with him over a number of years and for his ongoing quest for performances that are sharp at the edges, lacking in any sentimentality and still, full of truth.

Beyond this, I feel a slight twinge of guilt as I prepare to single out any one of the musicians.  The soloists are wonderful, including Catherine Edwards on the organ.  Still, I have to say that it’s Simon O’Neill who has won my heart.  We have sung with him before, notably when he stood in at short notice to sing the title role of Otello in December 2009.  I hesitate to describe his performance, fearful of tripping over the critics’ vocabulary for a tenor of O’Neill’s gusto.  At the same time, it doesn’t do justice to his finesse to say, simply, that he really gave it some welly!  Over and above his singing, the fact that he had it in his heart, after such a demanding performance, to acknowledge the chorus amidst the takings of bows, gives him a place in my heart.  I love this act of appreciation from one singer to another.

Perhaps you will be in the audience tonight when we sing again.  I hope so.  And if not you will have to wait until our performance is released on the LSO Live label.  Perhaps you, too, will fall in love with Janacek, with our beloved Sir Colin and with Simon O’Neill.

If you want things to change, start by accepting the way things are

Coaching,

It’s Monday evening and I am on the “Genius Jam” call with my fellow coaches and members of Kathy Mallary’s Empowerment Club.  The club’s focus is our marketing.  Monday’s call, though, is about something wider – how are we contributing to our own progress and success?

I am curious when Kathy says to one of my colleagues:  “If you want things to change, you need to start by accepting the way things are”.  The fact that this resonates with me tells me I need to sit up and listen.

I sit and listen.  One of my colleagues likes to work with women at a time when they realise that, in order to move forward, they need to step fully into being who they truly are.  I recognise how much this applies to men and women alike.  So much of our education shapes us to seek out other’s expectations of us and to try to meet them.  This process continues in the workplace.  Lurking beneath this way of thinking is the idea that we have to be someone else – someone other than who we are – if we are to succeed.  This is an “I am not OK” or “I am not enough” position.

Along the way, many of us also feel the need to be authentic in our lives, so that we can feel torn between two worlds.  The mythical “midlife crisis” denotes the time when we can no longer sustain a way of being that keeps us so alienated from ourselves, or even a way of being in which we show one face to the world whilst also nurturing our true selves behind closed doors.  Sooner or later we want to “come out”.  This is not to say that the choice to come out in this way leads us through a door and straight to an authentic self.  For many – most?  all? – people, this is a step-by-step process of learning and discovery.

So, I ask myself, why did Kathy’s assertion resonate so strongly today with me?  I choose to see it as an important marker.  Of course, if you want to plan a journey from A to B you need to know where A is as well as B (though this is clearly true).  This is one reason why, if you want things to change you have to accept the way things are.  More than this, though, I ask myself, am I accepting myself as I truly am?

Our call finishes at 8pm so I cut myself some slack and decide to sleep on it.  No doubt this is a question to which I shall return.

 

Dorothy Nesbit: meet your coach

Coaching

Every now and then I take time to update my coaching profile.  This is as much about my aim to communicate clearly to current and potential clients as it is about any changes in what I offer.  I want people to know who I am, who I work best with, and how my work adds value. 

Having been through a process of revision, I notice how pleased I am – as if I have added new colour to my profile through the process of revising it.  I can see myself more clearly in this picture and I hope you can, too.

I welcome your feedback – anything you’d like to add via the comments option.  And of course, if you’d like to work with me or know someone for whom the description below just hits the spot, please contact me directly:

Have you noticed how some leaders work harder than they need to to produce outstanding results? Perhaps they have what it takes to succeed – if only they knew it. Perhaps they lack awareness of their skills or could achieve so much more by developing further. Perhaps they are trying hard to be “a leader” when, in truth, they could achieve so much more by connecting with and being their authentic selves.

As a coach, I have helped coaching clients:

• To understand what they really want from their work, igniting their motivation for their current job or helping them to understand their need to find a job in which they can excel;
• To grow in confidence and skill as a leader so that they understand what they have that gives them a place in their organisation’s future and are confident to execute their leadership role;
• To recognise, develop and leverage their skills, helping them to achieve improved outcomes with increased confidence, reduced stress and less effort;
• To increase their contribution to their organisation, to improve business outcomes and to achieve rapid promotion;
• To face unexpected challenges with confidence and clarity of purpose, leading to outcomes that exceed all expectations.

My clients value the way I balance challenge with support to create the climate in coaching for accelerated progress and results. You can read client testimonials and learn more about me by visiting my profile at LinkedIn or my blog at http://dorothynesbit.blogspot.com.

What’s my background? Since 1988, I have been developing leadership at individual and organisational level, through leadership research, executive assessment, leadership development and 1:1 Executive Coaching. I have consulted widely across sectors in the UK and Europe including the finance, insurance, pharmaceutical, professional and education sectors.

With a passion for supporting others’ development, I began coaching a long time before I’d heard the word “coach”. Since 2004, I have placed coaching at the heart of my work, completing a professional coach training certified by the International Coaching Federation and working as a coach to high-potential leaders – from first-time leaders through to directors and CEOs – who are interested to release their own potential and that of the organisation they manage.

I have an MA (Cantab), I am a certified NLP Coach and member of the International Coach Federation and a fellow of the Royal Society of Arts.

Thinking of all the mirrors in my bedroom

All articles, Alternative approaches

This morning I am thinking of all the mirrors in my bedroom.

Well, perhaps I should be more precise.  I am thinking of all the meta-mirrors in my bedroom.  The meta-mirror is a technique from neuro-linguistic programming (or NLP) which helps people to transform negative feelings towards another person and to take the learning from a situation that will help to release feelings of anger, frustration and more.  As a technique, it’s easy to learn and easy to apply.

NLP often uses physical space in the process of making mental distinctions and the meta-mirror is no exception.  This is why I think of my bedroom when I think of the meta-mirror.  It’s not only that I like to use this ample space when I want to process some feelings I have about a person or situation.  It’s also that on the rare occasions when I am feeling angry or frustrated, it makes sense to do this processing before I go to bed in order to be able to get a good night’s sleep.

Over time, using this technique seems to build in a muscle that is pre-emptive.  The anger and frustration is less right from the beginning because the ways of thinking that produce it are changing.  There’s no “sainthood” involved – just an ongoing process of learning.

Over the years I have taught this technique in various settings and found it invaluable.  I still remember teaching it to a group of headteachers as part of a training in coaching skills.  I like to demonstrate it before having participants try it out themselves.  Later, the headteacher who had been my demo subject on that day told me the experience had changed his life.

Frogs Into Princes

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The trouble with many professional ethical codes, whether they are humanistic, analytic or anything else, is that they limit your behaviour.  And whenever you accept any “I won’t do it,” there are people you are not going to be able to work with.  We went into that same ward at Napa and I walked over and stomped on the catatonic’s foot as hard as I could and got an immediate response.  He came right out of “catatonia,” jumped up, and said “Don’t do that!”
Frogs Into Princes
Richard Bandler and John Grinder
Richard Bandler and John Grinder, the originators of what has become widely known as Neurolinguistic Programming, or NLP, began their work when they set out to study the work of some of the most effective therapists of their era, including Milton Erikson, Fritz Perls and Virginia Satir.  Frogs Into Princes, first published in 1979, is compiled of live transcriptions of some of their early seminars.
I must confess that, prior to studying NLP through a number of Practitioner, Master Practitioner and Coach programmes (where I chose to follow up on my own initial participation by becoming a member of the teams that supported these trainings to further my learning), I found reading about NLP about as easy a way to learn as learning Chinese by reading Mandarin.  I just didn’t get it.  Later, when I had already completed my NLP Practitioner, I made a mental note when a colleague told me that, for her, reading Frogs Into Princes was the experience that had first brought NLP alive.  And when I found a copy recently for less than twenty pounds I decided to buy it.
Reading it, I can see that it has something for everybody.  For the reader who is new to NLP it contains many examples of the ground NLP has covered, from specific techniques (re-framing and the phobia cure to name just two) to a number of assumptions which have become guiding principles of NLP.  The example given at the top of this posting illustrates at least two of them:  If what you are doing is not working, change it.  Do anything else and The meaning of the communication is the response you get.
For the seasoned Practitioner, Frogs Into Princes offers insight into Bandler and Grinder’s work, including the initial context in which they worked and the work itself.  They really did mean it when they encouraged you to try something else – anything else – if what you are not doing is not working.  I laughed out loud when I read the example given above and a number of other examples.  I was also reminded of the power of NLP to open up any number of new possibilities to the practitioner in his or her own life and in the lives of the people with whom he or she lives and works.
I talk about the people we work with in the broadest terms because NLP has expanded in its application way beyond the therapeutic field in which Bandler and Grinder originally studied.  The lessons of NLP are available to be applied in every area of life.  NLP can help the most senior leaders to share their visions in ways which capture the imaginations of those they lead.  NLP can help the classroom teacher to adjust his or her approach in order more effectively to support individual pupils.  NLP can help the husband or wife, at his or her wits end, learn how better to communicate with his or her partner.
I would add, almost as a PS, that there is one criticism that has often been levelled at NLP, that it is in some way manipulative.  If you want to form your own view of this, you could do worse than read Frogs Into Princes.  Who knows, you might well discover that turning your own frog into a prince begins with you.  NLP is, above all, about self-mastery.
PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

The dance of acceptance – at work

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

What does it mean to “see” another and to “be seen”?  How do we know when we are being seen?  And how does this link to meeting our need for acceptance?  Last week I wrote a posting in which I attempted to address these questions and to describe what I called the “dance of acceptance”.  But what of the dance of acceptance at work?

The person who has not yet learnt to accept him- (or her-) self will do his best to put on a good face at work.  He’ll think hard about what others want to see and do his best to deliver against his best understanding.  At the same time, his best understanding and its execution may be poor because of the great fear he has of asking what’s needed or – worse still – of asking for feedback about how he’s doing in practice.  (One of the reasons I know this is because I was this person earlier in my career).

If he’s successful in covering his tracks he risks being seen as arrogant by others who are taken in by his brilliant facade.  More likely others will see all sorts of clues which creep out around the edges.  Either way, the effort it will cost him will be significant – and draining.

This person will have a manager and may be a manager.  As a manager he may look to blame others for anything that goes wrong – heaven forbid that any sign of imperfection should end up on his desk!  Whilst he’s managing his own fears his staff may develop high levels of anxiety in their turn.  He may be seen as a bully.

If he is lucky, his manager may have a finely honed level of self acceptance such that he is not, in turn, on the receiving end of his own approach.  Such a manager may well perceive the root cause of behaviours that are not serving him or helpful to the business.  He may be able to strike the delicate balance between accepting him as a person and managing his behaviour – this depends on his manager’s ability to see beyond the current manifestations of his fears and to trust to his learning and progress.

Ultimately, even if his manager has to address his behaviour and their impact on the performance of his team, he will be able to do so from a place of acceptance.  Such a manager is likely to say:

There are some problems with your performance at this time and I need to address these with you.  I’m not sure whether you’re in the right job and need some learning and support or whether you’re in the wrong job and need to move on to one that suits you better.  Either way, it’s my job to help you to find this out and to support you in getting to a point where you are performing in your job.  It may be this job, it may be another job.  I’m here to support you.

In my years of interviewing leaders for jobs or as part of research into what makes the most effective leaders it’s rare that I come across a leader who can separate the man (or woman) from his (or her) performance in this way.

This is just one example of the dance of acceptance in the workplace.