Tag Archives: developing leadership intelligence

Feeling your way into your perfect job: your job as part of your “dream life”

Developing as a leader,

I’m sometimes surprised at the way coaching clients say “no” to exploring what they really want in their lives because their focus in our work together is on their career.  This can have the strange effect that the signs of their discontent are there for everyone to see – except the client.  For if your current job is not in tune with your deepest aspirations what’s the point of seeking to sort out this bit of the job or that?  What use is tinkering with the engine when you’re driving the wrong car?

So, if you’re thinking about your next career move, one way to get started is to imagine the life you most want to lead, allowing yourself to feel your way into this future life as you go.  And if you find that a part of you is raising objections even as you start to dream you might like to cut a deal with that part of you and ask it:  “if I agree to come back and hear your concerns by (set a time – next week, tomorrow, whatever) would you allow me to take this time just to dream?”  Be sure to be sincere in your commitment to come back to hear those concerns and set a timescale that works for both the dreamer in you and the pragmatist.

Now there are many ways to imagine your dream life so the ones I offer here are just some of the multiple possibilities:

  • If you enjoy writing (as I do) sit at your computer or with pen and paper and just write.  Imagine that you are already living your dream life and write about everything that you notice is true for you.  Keep writing as long as you feel inspired then take a break, come back, read what you’ve written and write some more.  Notice where you’re living and in what circumstances.  Notice how you’re spending your time at work and at play.  Notice what’s true of your relationships – who are you spending time with and how?  Notice what money you have in this perfect life.  Notice what’s true of your health – be it physical, mental, emotional or spiritual;
  • You might like to build up a scrap book or picture board of your dream life using words and pictures.  Take some old magazines and browse through them, cutting or tearing any images that you warm to – these are clues about the kind of life you want to lead.  In the same way, cut out words or quotes or anything else that brings you closer to imagining your dream life.  Keep doing this until you feel this dream life is complete;
  • Take some time with someone – your friend or coach or partner – who is able to leave practicalities to one side (they come later) and to hear you talk about the kind of life you would really love to live.  Allow this discussion to have an open-ended, exploratory feel – there are no decisions to be made yet, just possibilities to explore.

Whichever way you choose, notice where the energy is in your explorations – notice what ideas have resonance for you or are most compelling.  If you pay attention to this energy you will begin to build a picture of your “dream life” that is a reflection of who you are and what you most want.  Notice, too, how committed you are to building a life that is perfect for you.  (If for any reason you’re not, you might like to expore this with your coach).  The more you have a sense of the life you want to lead, the more you will be able to imagine the kind of job that best supports and sustains you both at work and in creating the life of your dreams.

Be sure to let me know how you get on.

Feeling your way into the perfect job for you

Developing as a leader,

On Monday I wrote about what it takes – from the point of view of the employer – to make a successful senior hire.  But what about the other side of the coin?   What if you’re looking for the right role for you and wondering quite how high to pitch your aspirations at this time of economic downturn?

I found myself reflecting on this question after meeting with one of several coaching clients who are all currently looking for a job.  One thing I notice about friends, colleagues and clients who are currently searching for jobs is a tendency to scale back their aspirations in order to guard themselves against possible disappointment.  This is a tendency some have at any time (after all, it doesn’t do to get ideas above your station and modesty is a virtue, right?).  It’s also a tendency that is somehow magnified by the idea that in a downturn, organisations have few vacancies at senior levels and are inundated with applications from highly talented candidates for the job.

Rather than scale back their aspirations, I have been encouraging clients to dream big and to embody their dreams in advance in order to make it more likely that they will apply for and successfully find the perfect job for them.  After all, as well as coaching senior executives when they are looking for or (more usually) in big jobs, I also have experience over a number of years of assessing candidates for senior roles.  I find that the complaint that organisations have “too much talent to choose from” is rare.

So how can you step into that senior role ahead of time and in such a way as to provide clarity about what you’re looking for and to boost your confidence as you undertake your search?  Neurolinguistic programming (or NLP) has encoded some of the things we do quite naturally and these can be used to help us to explore what we are really wanting and to make our aspirations more vivid and compelling.  In this series of postings I offer just a few approaches from the NLP toolkit to help you to develop a felt sense of your perfect job.  You can try any or all of these to build your perfect job “muscle”.

When it’s time to hire new talent: the successful senior hire

Developing as a leader, ,

Our current economic conditions place different demands on our leaders and this in turn places a new level of pressure on the critical task of recruiting the right people to senior posts in your organisation and supporting them in doing a great job.  No surprise then to read a request for ideas from one of my colleagues on the Training Journal Daily Digest.  This was my response:

You are looking at how you integrate your senior executives into your organisation in the best possible way to increase their effectiveness and help them deal with changes in organisational culture. You are particularly interested to learn how other large organisations manage the process and any thoughts or information on best practice or leading edge.

I am offering a few ideas based on my experience of conducting research into effective leadership over many years and helping client organisations to apply it, via executive assessments, coaching etc. Here’s a quick brainstorm and I’d be delighted to speak with you if you would value chewing over a few ideas at some point:

• I would say that nine tenths of ‘getting it right’ happens before your senior executives join the company. There are two things in particular, here. The first is establishing and conducting a dialogue with prospective executives which allows both parties to assess the extent of the match. This requires you to be scrupulously honest (with yourselves and with prospective candidates) about your agenda. The second is conducting an assessment of your candidates which is effective in establishing whether they have the skills and competencies needed for the job. I have seen any number of senior hirings fail because one of these two issues has not been addressed effectively;
• Perhaps it’s worth mentioning a third aspect of this pre-recruitment dialogue, speaking as someone who conducts executive assessments on behalf of client organisations. I have seen people fail whom I have assessed and when I have told clients that they are not a good match for the job. This has never done my business any harm – it tends to strengthen my credibility and to provide an opportunity for dialogue with my client which strengthens my relationship with clients. I do recommend that you consider what third-party support you use in the hiring process and pay attention to your relationship with your partners in the assessment process;
• Research shows that the most effective leaders, when they start a new job, spend time gathering information and shaping their agenda and your focus needs to be on supporting this. For your senior hires, this involves getting out and meeting key people including peers and those people they are leading. So, if you are serious about integrating senior executives into the organisation you will support this process of dialogue and you may want to play a role in it – giving regular time to newly-hired executives to discuss what they are finding and what plans they are shaping;
• There’s another category of new hires that often fails – this is when organisations bring in people with the aim of shaking the place up a bit and then make it very difficult for the new executive to fulfil this remit. I wonder if this is what you are talking about when you mention ‘changes in organisation culture’. If you want new executives to thrive in a culture that is serving your organisation well why not recruit to match in the first place? If you want them to have an effect on changing the culture you need to be honest with yourselves – what are you really ready for? – and also recruit people with the necessary skills. I have seen people recruited who are steeped in a culture to which organisations aspire but who have no skills in bridging the gap between cultures and taking people with them. They get rejected by people in organisations pretty quickly;
• I want to declare my interest as a coach when I say that there may be times when Executive Coaching can play a role in supporting the new senior executive. Some senior hires will bring their executive coach with them as a matter of course. It’s also been my experience that some organisations have seen the opportunity to bridge the assessment process with life in the organisation by hiring me as a coach: this is particularly effective when the assessment indicates some growth areas for the executive if he or she is to be effective or if the agenda in the new role is stretching for the organisation.

I notice I could go on! A couple of books spring to mind: Watkins’ The First 90 Days and Wageman and others’ Senior Leadership Teams. The first offers advice for the new hire and may offer pointers for the hiring organisation. The second talks about research into effective conditions for senior leadership teams. This points to a key factor for me – unless you have the right people in place in the right teams with the right conditions any amount of support to the new hire may be wasted.

PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Empathy begins at home

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Today I decided to share my needs with the man from the call centre who wanted to sell me services I didn’t want to buy. When he said he wanted to ask me some questions about my current service provision I knew from experience that this might lead to a conversation about how I could get better, cheaper services with his company.  I did not want to go down this path, and I told him so.  In addition, I was already wary of the “I’m wanting to have this conversation because it meets your needs” routine that is encoded in so many call centre scripts.  Here’s a brief extract from our conversation:

Call centre man:  Do you mind if I ask you which company you’re using at the moment?
Me:  Actually, that’s not how I’d like to spend my time today as I have some commitments I want to fulfil.
Call centre man:  It won’t take long.
Me:  May I just check with you – would you be willing to tell me what you heard me say so that I can check that I made myself clear?
Call centre man:  Are you telling me that you don’t want to save money on your broadband services?
Me:  No, that’s not what I said.  And I do have a need to be heard and understood that’s not being met here and I notice that I am feeling some anger right now…

Our conversation reminded me just how often we find it hard to hear and be present to the needs of others.  I could identify any number of reasons for this which all lead back to the same Mother-of-all-Reasons:  because we live in a culture in which we think there is such a thing as “right” or “wrong”, believing that this is some independent and objective truth for which we are searching rather than believing that this is a concept we use in pursuit of power and control.

What about the man from the call centre?  Whether correctly or not, one thing I infer from the comment “Are you telling me that you don’t want to save money on your broadband services?” is that my partner in conversation is wanting to meet his own needs and that he isn’t owning what they are:  he isn’t being honest about his true aims.  If he really wants to be of service, he would be attuned to my desire to choose how I spend my time and support me by getting off the phone after a respectful goodbye.  It’s not entirely clear what needs he is trying to meet – the needs that might be met by getting X number of clients to buy today.  (And I could say that yes, the conversation is scripted and he is following somebody else’s guidance about what to say.  Still, he has chosen the job in which he has to execute this script again and again and again and – I believe – he has made this choice because to do this job and to earn the salary it provides helps him to meet needs he can identify).

I see a level of self-honesty as an important pre-condition for empathy.  When I can be very clear with myself about what needs I am trying to meet I am more likely to be able to empathise with my partner in conversation.  This is not just about conversations with strangers from distant call centres:

  • When a senior executive can own her enthusiasm for a particular path or project she is more likely to recognise that when she responds to a colleague’s request to be heard by making a suggestion in line with her preferred path she is not responding to her colleague’s need for empathy so much as seeking to meet her own needs;
  • When a father can own how scared he is of the prospect of his daughter learning to drive and be honest with himself about about his needs and about those actions he is taking to meet his needs he is more likely to be able to be present to his daughter and her excitment when she thinks about the increased level of autonomy that learning to drive will give her;
  • When a line manager can own his anxieties about speaking openly with a much-loved employee about his recent poor performance he is more likely to be able to address his needs by holding an open and honest conversation with the person concerned.  What’s more, this level of self-honesty makes it far less likely that the line manager will see his choice to hold back as “protecting his employee”.

To be able to be present to and honest about our own needs whilst also being present to the needs of others, even when it seems impossible for the needs of both parties to be met, belongs to the post-graduate school of empathy – a level that many of us never reach.  Is it possible – maybe even for all of us? – to reach this level.  It’s my experience that empathy can be learned.  How?  That’s a posting for another day – so please keep reading.

PS  And was I present to the needs of the man from the call centre in my conversation today?  No.  Today I was asking for empathy without offering it.  Maybe next time. 

A practical demonstration of empathy

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This week I have been writing about empathy and, once again, I am immensely grateful to my colleague in the world of NVC, Jeroen Lichtenauer, for highlighting the availability on YouTube of a recorded session in which the highly influential American psychologist, Carl Rogers, seeks to demonstrate his client-centred approach to therapy with a woman called Gloria.  This is, essentially, a practical demonstration of empathy.

This session is part of a programme or programmes which sought to compare three different types of therapy which were popular at the time (by my guess, in the late 1950s or early 1960s).  In the series, the same woman – Gloria – visits three different psychologists who demonstrate the approaches they are using.

Gloria, a woman divorced at a time when divorce was still uncommon, comes to Rogers hoping he will answer the dilemma she faces as she remembers that she lied to her daughter when asked if she had had sex with another man since divorcing her father.  Gloria wants to be honest with her daughter and at the same time she yearns for her daughter’s acceptance and fears that her daughter will not accept her if she is honest about her post-marital sexual experiences.

Rogers’ approach gradually uncovers the extent to which Gloria is able to give herself empathy and self-acceptance.  At the same time, Rogers’ willingness to support Gloria in exploring her own experience and his lack of judgement makes it increasingly likely that Gloria will take steps towards greater self acceptance.

The programme is posted as a series of clips and the links are below:

Carl Rogers and Gloria:  Part One
Carl Rogers and Gloria:  Part Two
Carl Rogers and Gloria:  Part Three
Carl Rogers and Gloria:  Part Four
Carl Rogers and Gloria:  Part Five

What is empathy, anyway, and why does it matter?

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We can say that when a person finds himself sensitively and accurately understood, he develops a set of growth promoting or therapeutic attitudes toward himself.

Carl Rogers
Empathic:  An Unappreciated Way of Being

Well, I didn’t set out to make this week Empathy Week and still, I am immensely grateful to my colleague in the world of non-violent communication (NVC), Jeroen Lichtenauer, for highlighting a wealth of resources available to support my exploration.

Today, I have been diving into a paper written by Carl Rogers, entitled Empathic:  An Unappreciated Way of Being.  Before I write about Rogers’ article it is worth saying a few words about the man himself:  Carl Rogers worked as a psychologist and therapist in twentieth century America and his work has been highly influential across a range of related fields.  As well as shaping an approach to therapy which is radically different to some of the more analytical approaches which preceded it, Rogers’ approach has been highly influential in the modern coaching profession and Marshall Rosenberg also points to Rogers as having influenced his attempts to develop an approach (eventually called Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication) which could be shared easily around the world without the costs associated with individual therapy.

Now, Rogers’ credentials are highly rated with some and yet may ring alarm bells with others.  What does all this mean for the average man or woman seeking to find a way through a corporate career?  It’s worth mentioning the work of David McClelland and his colleagues (popularised by Daniel Goleman in such books as Emotional Intelligence and Working with Emotional Intelligence).  McClelland’s research showed that our effectiveness in the workplace depends significantly on a number of competencies which depend on our emotional rather than intellectual intelligence.  Empathy matters!  And, in fact, empathy is listed as a competency in the Hay Group Emotional Competence Inventory which seeks to translate these research findings into practical ways of measuring competency and emotional intelligence at work.

Rogers’ paper includes a number of definitions of empathy including at least two of his own.  The quote above, from the conclusion of his paper, points both to what we might mean by empathy and to the significance of empathy for the individual.  Both are big subjects in themselves so let me just say for the moment that when we are able to be present to our own thoughts, feelings, experience and needs (self empathy) or to the thoughts, feelings, experience and needs of another (empathy) without judgement we open up a wide range of possibilities in our relationships and communication with self and other.  This is every bit as significant in the workplace as it is in the therapist’s office, where the presence or absence of empathy will have an effect on key aspects of our work life.  These include our ability to make and execute sound decisions as well as our personal well-being, our ability to engage those we lead as well as our ability to marshall our own inner – and often conflicting  – voices.

What is the key question we might ask our selves to determine the extent to which we are able to demonstrate empathy?  Here is my starter for ten:  am I able to put myself in the shoes of another, to connect with their feelings and needs and in this way to see multiple perspectives without needing to be “right”?

Developing empathy: recommended reading from my colleagues

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

Having made my own recommendations on developing empathy (see my posting of 12th July 2010) I also looked out for recommendations from my colleagues on the Training Journal Daily Digest.  Here are their recommendations with my own comments underneath:

I would fully recommend anything by Daniel Goleman, ‘Emotional Intelligence’, ‘Social Intelligence’ or ‘The New Leaders’ for the coaching client.

The ‘Emotional Intelligence Activity Book’ by Adele B Lynn is a very practical book and covers empathy. It’s very much a how to book.

One more thought, ‘The Emotional Intelligence Quick Book’ by Travis Bradberry & Jean Greaves is a really accessible book and quite short, and it has a free online EQ test. This might be more what your client is looking for.

You could try ‘The Secret Language of Feelings: a rational approach to emotional mastery’ by Calvin Banyan (2003). Although not written from an empathy perspective, and more for the individual wanting to understand his/her own emotions, it provides insight in what’s behind our feelings.

I would add that I have worked extensively with the research on competencies and emotional intelligence that underpins Goleman’s books.  I see them as outlining in ways which are highly engaging what is meant by such things as emotional intelligence, illustrating sound research with engaging stories.  I wouldn’t typically go to these books for practical help in how to develop emotional intelligence, empathy and so on – so it’s interesting to note that the second recommendation above is described as a ‘how to’ book.

Practical approaches to developing empathy

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, , ,

Sometimes, leaders in organisations come to coaching with a yearning to develop their ability to empathise and this is no surprise, since our culture, including our workplace culture, does not always favour the use of empathy.  So when one of my colleagues on the Training Journal Daily Digest asked for recommendations for practical reading on developing empathy I made my contribution and also looked out for the contributions of others.

This is what I wrote, which will come as no surprise to regular readers of my blog:

Developing empathy…. my top reading recommendation would be Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life.

I don’t think you can beat Rosenberg’s approach to empathy. For those of us who are naturally empathetic it helps us to develop an approach to empathy which maintains clear boundaries. To those of us for whom empathy is a bit of a foreign country it provides very clear distinctions (e.g. between the needs we have and the strategies by which we seek to meet them) and very clear steps for providing empathy.

Given that you are looking for something for an executive client I would want to acknowledge the book’s potential limitations. The subtitle (‘create your life, relationships and your world in harmony with your values’), the visuals of the front cover and even some of the terms used can be a step or two outside the comfort zone of some people who are used to the FT as their daily reading. In other words, the book is targeted at human beings rather than at executives. Having said that, I have recommended it to a number of executive clients and I’ve never had this back as a comment. More often, they are immensely grateful for the recommendation and go on to apply their learning in a variety of contexts.


Recently, and from the same ‘school’ of nonviolent communication, colleagues have recommended a second book which is aimed at executives, Words That Work in Business: A Practical Guide to Effective Communication in the Workplace, by Ike Ilaster. I haven’t read it yet but I do notice that it starts with input on self empathy and empathy for others.

I look forward with curiosity to others’ recommendations.

PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Can you absolutely know that what you’ve chosen to believe about yourself is true?

Developing as a leader, ,

Going through my e-mails I come to a short film shared by coaching colleague Emma Chilvers from Nik Askew’s website at http://www.soulbiographies.com/.  I haven’t come across the site before, which sends out short films (this one three minutes) by subscription on a Monday morning.

They are not films to watch in a hurry even though they’re short:  this three minute film has brief content that bears deep thought and unrolls at a pace which requires ease rather than haste.

The message, delivered by Katies Byron, is thought-provoking and points to the way we can limit ourselves by holding beliefs about ourselves as if they were true.  I wonder about the implications for us as we develop.  I wonder about the implications for us as we develop as leaders.

The message?

Most of us believe the thoughts we hold about ourselves to be true.  Without question.  Even though they diminish our capacity for life.

Few ever wonder if ‘such thoughts’ are true.

Can you abolutely know that what you’ve chosen to believe about yourself is true?

The perennial leadership challenge: how to give feedback to staff

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When it comes to feedback, there are some key issues that are out of sight in terms of our beliefs and values.  It can help to get clear about these before deciding on approaches to feedback.
We live in a society whose coverts beliefs are about right and wrong, reward and punishment.  This is variously labelled, for example, as the “domination society”, or “patriarchal” or “unilateral control”.  In organisations this can be (though it doesn’t need to be) reinforced by hierarchy, where “I am more senior than you” can equate to “I am right and you are wrong”.  I am wondering as I write if the (in)famous “feedback sandwich” comes from this model – whilst it recognises and attempts to shield people’s feelings from negative feedback the feedback still comes from the idea that I have perceptions that are correct.
There is another approach which sees both parties as having needs which need to be met, having a contribution to make, having things to learn.  Again, there are various terms which get used to describe this such as the “mutual learning model” (Roger Schwarz), “nonviolent communication” (Marshall Rosenberg) and no doubt more besides.  In these approaches feedback is, frankly, as much about the person giving feedback as it is about the person receiving it, recognising that both parties have needs to be met and both parties have things to learn.  Hierarchy plays a role in terms of job function and responsibilities but not in terms of who is right and who is wrong.
So, when it comes to seeking out an effective model for giving feedback, it helps to be clear about your aspirations in terms of the underlying principles – beliefs, values etc. – that you want your preferred model to meet.  One way of understanding the implications of different approaches (in this case leadership approaches) is to read Goleman’s The New Leaders.  Essentially, leadership styles which come from the domination model can be valuable in certain specific and limited (especially crisis) situations but tend to undermine performance in the long term.  Douglas McGregor’s X and Y Theory (outlined in The Human Side of Enterprise) also points to this distinction as does Alfie Kohn’s Punished by Rewards.
If you want to understand the different underlying approaches read Goleman, McGregor, Kohn.  If you want to explore how to give feedback in line with the second (Goleman and colleagues call it “resonant”) approach, read Rosenberg and Schwarz.



PS  Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.