Tag Archives: celebrating

Not so fresh from the Jerusalem free tour

About Dorothy

I am not so fresh from the Sandemans New Jerusalem free tour: three and a half hours in search of shady spots in the heat – 32 degrees I heard someone say. I have no hesitation in booking a second, paid tour for tomorrow.

Moki, our guide, took us around the four quarters of the Old City and crammed us full of information. I appreciate that he’s a local – raised in Jerusalem – as well as trained as a guide. Even his jokes are worth waiting for! At the end of the tour I take the tour company up on their offer of a free drink though I’m one of only three members of the tour party who make it this far. Ten minutes – ten minutes more – is a long way to walk in this heat.

What of Jerusalem? Perhaps the most fought-over city in the world, it is both steeped in history and vibrant with modern-day living. Twenty-six thousand people live in the Old City of whom the vast majority are Muslim. I find it hard to connect with the deep spiritual significance of this Holy City for people of three major faiths, for all the traders who want to invite me into their shops. The world recession is having its impact here, too, and there are bargains to be had, though I’m not here for the shopping. And then there are the disputed historical questions. Where did Jesus’ last supper take place? And what was his precise path to the place of his resurrection? Although the Via Dolorosa and the Church of the Holy Sepulchre mark Christ’s journey to his death on the cross, it seems that the actual route he took was a little different.

It seems strange that coming to Jerusalem, the Holy City, is an added bonus on my brief trip to Israel. On Sunday I celebrated – with great joy – the marriage of my dear friend Rob with Shimrit, his beautiful Israeli bride. When we visit the Western (Wailing) Wall, my thoughts are with them both. I wish many blessings upon them. I embrace the blessings that Rob, in line with his Jewish traditions, has wished upon me. And I feel so blessed to be a witness to the beginning of their married life together.

When you’re needing fuel for the journey

Coaching, Emotional Intelligence, ,

In recent days I’ve been creating postings on the blog as a support to the main article of my newsletter which I sent out on Friday. I’ve written about half the postings I plan to write in this series. Today though, I’m taking a diversion – one that I dedicate to one of – all of – my coaching clients with gratitude for our work together.

On 6th May 2009, I started one of my postings by saying that the power of coaching lies in its invitation to become increasingly conscious of the dreams we hold for our life and to take steps towards the fulfilment of those dreams. Some clients come to coaching brimming with energy and excitement, ready to enlist the support of their coach to help them to fulfil their dreams. These are the clients who are already looking back on a history of making dreams come true and who have taken bold steps along the way to make things happen. They already know that they have everything they need to succeed in life and they use coaching to accelerate their progress. It’s easy to recognise them as “high performers”.

Some clients do not yet know they are “high performers” when they come to coaching. Sometimes this is because they have all sorts of successes behind them that they don’t yet recognise. Sometimes this is because their success lies in honing to perfection strategies for achieving their goals or ways of being in this world that habitually fail to deliver intended outcomes. Either way, they can feel a great sense of despair when they start to work with a coach – overwhelmed by the distance between where they are now and where they want to be, despondent in the belief that they can’t possibly make the changes they need to in order to reach their goals or that they lack the resources they need to make those changes. It’s as if it’s taken them so long to decide to seek the help they need that a miracle is well and truly overdue. When it doesn’t happen straight away their despair increases – at least for a while.

There is a simple change of perspective – a decision to look at our experience in a slightly different way – that can provide fuel for the journey when it’s most needed. In the field of neurolinguistic programming this links to adopting an “outcome focus”. In the field of nonviolent communication, practitioners often refer to adopting the practice of gratitude. To link it to my recent newsletter, I would add that adopting this practice makes for an increase in one’s resilience – no matter what life throws in your direction. To adopt this practice also increases one’s sense of joy and fulfilment.

What does the practice of gratitude comprise? Here are a few pointers:

  • Step 1, setting an intention: If we plan to notice those things that are working in our lives, it’s more likely than not that we will. So start by setting your intention and notice what comes up. If you experience any inner resistance you may want to explore this on your own or with your coach. Otherwise move to Step 2;
  • Step 2, making time and a place: It’s not that you need to make extra time available and add to your already over-burdened schedule. It’s just that when you’re clear about when and how you’re going to practice gratitude you’re more likely to do it. Perhaps you will create a special notebook in which you write every day at a time of your choosing. Perhaps you will use your walk with the dog or your journey home from work as a time of reflection. Perhaps you’ll make a weekly appointment with a trusted friend or colleague. Choose whatever ways work for you and be ready to adapt them in the light of your experiences along the way;
  • Step 3, notice what’s working for you: Marshall Rosenberg offers a specific way to notice what’s working for you. A first step is to notice something that you have done or that someone else has done that meets your needs. In itself, this may be a step forward, requiring you to shine a light on aspects of your life which otherwise go unnoticed. The second step is to notice the feelings you have when you notice these actions. I invite you to bathe in the feelings that come up when you notice something that’s working for you – however large or small! The third step is to notice what needs have been met by your own or someone else’s action.

There are many more things you can do – additional steps if you like – to leverage the power of gratitude. One is to express your gratitude to the person or people for whose actions you feel grateful. Another is to make a similar process part of your regular meetings with staff. I could give many examples. If, though, your aim is to feel more optimistic about the journey you are making, and to build your levels of trust and belief that you can make that journey, I recommend you focus on Steps 1 to 3 above.

And whatever you experience as a result of adopting this practice I wish you more power for your journey.

Accounting for your leadership style

Developing as a leader, , ,

Arundhati Roy was surely onto the source of all joys when she named her novel (itself a thing of beauty and joy) The God of Small Things. I know I am attuned to this god when the world offers me the opportunity (as it has done in recent days) to rejoice in the small and simple things in life and when, taking that opportunity, I feel both joy and peace.

Recently, I had one such “small” joy. This took place when one of my university colleagues read about my blog in our college review and was moved to take a look and then to drop me a line. I have been enjoying our correspondence, knowing instinctively that we had and still have the potential to enrich each others’ lives.

Last week I came home after running a training for clients in how to interview leaders using a competency-based approach, only to find she had sent me an intriguing question. With her permission I am sharing it with you. She said:

I have an interview in a few weeks and will likely be asked about my style as a leader!! If one isn’t a natural leader but ain’t bad at it, how does one convincingly convey this?! Is it reasonable to say I have observed other leaders I admire and have taken on attributes I feel comfortable with?

This description reminds me of many professionals who progress to take on leadership roles to which they were not initially attracted. Seeking to adapt to the role, some of them will struggle to get excited about work whose results are measured in terms of the work of a wider team – for isn’t “work” something you do yourself? For some, time spent building relationships, managing staff etc. is perceived as time wasted – a distraction from the work itself. Recognising that when you are a leader engaging others is the work itself can constitute a big shift.

It strikes me that my friend is on the right track. Whilst the “born or made” debate continues, it’s often true that we model our leadership style on those whose leadership we admire and seek to adapt it so that we are both effective (maybe even inspiring) leaders and also remain true to ourselves. I am reminded of Daniel Goleman’s book The New Leaders which is so effective in bringing some solid research to a wider audience. What key points might I want to share with my friend ahead of her interview? They include:

  • Research shows leaders use a range of different leadership styles and that each style can be predicted to have a different outcome;
  • Some of these styles build motivation and engagement. They get the best out of people over time. Goleman describes these as “resonant” and identifies them as the visionary, coaching, affiliative and democratic styles;
  • Some of them (coercive/commanding, pace-setting) have their place but need to be used sparingly. Otherwise they tend to reduce engagement and motivation and undermine performance. Goleman describes them as “dissonant” styles;
  • Each style has a place! Knowing when to use which style and being able to adapt one’s style to fit the situation is what makes a truly great leader.

Knowing which style to use when requires both insight and flexibility: the most effective leaders have a command of the full range of styles and know when to use them. Sometimes these are the men and women who seem never to have reflected on leadership but rather to have an instinctive grasp of what’s needed. More often, truly great leaders are great because, over time, they have paid attention to what works and what doesn’t work and, in this way, developed a level of mastery in their leadership.

So, as my friend prepares for her interview I wonder what it means to say one “ain’t bad” at leadership. Teasing this out ahead of time could be valuable interview preparation.

Referrals – meeting new clients with joy

Coaching, ,

When I started my business in 2002 I was confident of what I could offer and at the same time lacking in confidence – anxious even – in my ability to get out there and find clients. I still see this as an area of growth and opportunity for me. This is about learning how to let the world know what I can offer in ways which allow my perfect clients to find me.

Who are my perfect clients? I am making a mental note to write about this soon. Today though, I simply want to celebrate the experience I often have of receiving client referrals – this, together with repeat business, has been my main source of business during the last seven years.

One new client perfectly illustrates the synchronicity of such referrals – if you like, the way the universe conspires to support me. It’s getting on for two years since, waiting for a takeaway at the Spice of Life Indian restaurant in Lewisham, I got into conversation with a fellow customer. “What do you do for a living?” he asked and I told him about my work as a coach. He told me his wife was looking to train as a coach and asked if I would be willing to speak with her. I was delighted to help her and have appreciated getting to know her, sharing progress with her and enjoying our spirit of mutual support.

Recently she asked me if I would be willing to speak with a dear friend of hers who is in the midst of exploring next steps in her own journey. I was glad to speak with her and delighted – having explored with her all sorts of possibilities and options – to agree to become her coach. Yesterday I sent her her preparatory papers – a pre-coaching questionnaire and coaching agreement – and I’m looking forward to beginning our work together next month.

Not all referrals lead to the same outcome. Sometimes there’s a good match between what I can offer and the support that is most timely for an individual or an organisation. Sometimes there is a good personal match or “chemistry”. Sometimes there isn’t. What I do notice is the high levels of trust that often follow when a potential client is introduced to me by someone we both trust. This is a great gift at the beginning of a coaching or other working partnership. Before pressing the button that says “publish post” I take a moment to celebrate my new client and our high levels of trust as we begin our work together.

When feedback delights

About Dorothy, ,

Feedback, with its power to nourish or to test, is a wonderful thing. Sometimes, it just takes you by joyful surprise.

Yesterday, at my regular rehearsal with the London Symphony Chorus, I was blessed with a double whammy of the nourishing variety. Midway through our first rehearsal of Berlioz’ Te Deum, Lorne leant over from the tenors to tell me how fabulous my singing was. Did I lap that feedback up? You bet I did! (And was I aware that, for some reason, I was singing from the very depths of my heart and soul? Yes, that, too).

I was also delighted when Elizabeth, talking to me about wrinkles and face-creams, guessed my age at anywhere between 35 and 41. Let me tell you I love my wrinkles! I wouldn’t lose a single one of them! And still, as I approach my 46th birthday, I’m quite content to know that I look (to some eyes, at least) a little younger than I am.

This is not the first time of late that I have enjoyed a comment about my age. Only a week ago a colleague of my niece asked me if we are sisters. I told him no and thanked him for his comment. This took him aback I think – it was not intended as a compliment, he said. He was quite sincere. I only regret I didn’t think to say that yes, it was precisely because I knew his question was sincere that I enjoyed it so much.

Nighttime musings

All articles,

Every now and then, when something is on my mind, I wake in the middle of the night. Tonight is one of those nights. I have learnt to get up and make myself a hot drink, to read for a while before returning, easily, to sleep.

Tonight I decide to write a few lines on my blog. I am aware that I wrote less often in January than I aim to. I began the month by resting as much as I could to support my body in recovering from a lingering winter bug and then entered a busy couple of weeks.

Waking in the middle of the night I look out on the nighttime beauty of the snow that started to fall in the early evening and is now several inches deep. The light has a quality all of its own as all light reflects from the bright untrodden snow. I enjoy this winter scene.

And before returning to sleep, I take a moment to celebrate my brother, Alan, who is fifty today and my mother, who gave birth fifty years ago to her first child.

Creating the climate for success

Coaching, Developing as a leader, , , ,

Amongst my e-mails today is one from Gina Lawrie and Bridget Belgrave. Gina and Bridget are amongst the foremost trainers in the UK in the field of nonviolent communication, an approach that is dear to my heart. As well as sharing their training programme (which you can find at http://www.NvcDanceFloors.com) they share a quote by Carl Rogers, from his book A Way of Being:

“My experience has shown that another paradigm is far more effective and constructive for the individual and for society. It is that, given a suitable psychological climate, humankind is trustworthy, creative, self-motivated, powerful, and constructive – capable of releasing undreamed-of potentialities.”

Carl Rogers has been a significant influence in 20th Century thinking and his work continues to guide professional coaches as well as his fellow therapists. Surely this is also the paradigm that Douglas McGregor outlines as “Theory Y” in his seminal book, The Human Side of Enterprise.

I take a moment to reflect on this quote and to celebrate my work as a coach, which is my way of supporting individual leaders in creating a psychological climate – for themselves as well as for those they lead – that supports the powerful, constructive and purposeful use of our abundant creativity. I feel so blessed in this work, in its contribution to those with whom I work, to the businesses they work in and to the wider world.

Friendship: pausing to celebrate

About Dorothy,

18th January 1999. I didn’t yet know what a year 1999 would be for me – professionally at least. My involvement in a major research project, looking at what distinguishes the most outstanding teachers in the UK, kept me and my colleagues so busy that we could hardly stand come Christmas. But then, I’m getting ahead of myself.

At about 10.30 a.m. on 18th January 1999 I was struck by the introduction of a particular member of a group of headteachers I would be working with for the next four days. As he described the school he was leading there could be no doubt that it was a highly successful institution. And whilst no personal claim was made about this man’s contribution, there could, equally, be no doubt that these successes were down to the man making his introduction. I wondered, “will his colleagues love him or hate him?” I could equally have asked “will I love him or hate him?”

As the course unfolded it became clear that the answer to the first question was “love”. Behind the scenes the course’s leaders were blown away by the feedback data which showed him to be a highly effective leader. This may or may not have been visible to his colleagues. Still, it became clear that they appreciated his easy informality and his willingness to support them in a variety of ways – as they accessed on-line information, worked through case studies and even by playing the piano one evening as everyone gathered round to sing.

When the course finished we exchanged contact details and, with a major research project coming up into teacher effectiveness, it made sense to take him up on his invitation to visit his school. It was my first visit to school for a number of years and I remember feeling like a schoolgirl again as I sat opposite the ‘headmaster’ in his office.

I also remember how, working as I was in an environment in which professionalism and formality were seen to go hand in hand, I felt uneasy as our contact moved quickly from the professional to the personal and still, Alan quickly became a friend. Three years later, when I set up my own business, it was Alan who would phone me on his way to school to ask “how’s it going?”

This month I have been reflecting on ten years of friendship. This evening I make a note of those things I look forward to celebrating with Alan some time soon and I ask myself “Have I really put up with ten years of the most awful jokes?”

And just in case you’re still wondering about the answer to my second question, stay tuned. I should know the answer by 2019.

Putting modesty to rest

About Dorothy, ,

Sunday. After a packed week of rehearsals (packed around work, that is) members of the London Symphony Chorus join the London Symphony Orchestra and a dazzling line up of soloists (Christine Brewer, Karen Cargill, Stuart Neill and John Relyea) to perform Verdi’s Requiem under the baton of Sir Colin Davis.

The performance is dedicated to the memory of Richard Hickox following his oh so untimely death last November and his family are gathered in the stalls. I was not alone in experiencing moments of deep emotion during rehearsals, wishing for Richard that he does indeed enjoy safe passage to whatever lies ahead and mourning the loss of such a dedicated and inspiring musician. Now though, is not the time to miss an entry to be present to such emotions.

Perhaps it is because of the special significance of this dedication or maybe it’s because Sir Colin has put us through our paces – there will be no complacency here – that our performance blazes a trail through Verdi’s exquisite writing. From the hushed cello entry and the muted Requiem of the chorus at the beginning of the piece, through the fiery Dies Irae to the closing fugue and call to libera me it seems to me that the orchestra, chorus and soloists catch every nuance, doing justice to this magnificent work and to Richard as we bid him farewell.

Two days later, with two more performances to look forward to, I find myself reflecting on my own performance. The Requiem is a demanding sing, requiring stamina and the ability both to give life and volume to many fortissimo passages and still to have the vocal control for the quieter passages. There are some that require the kind of quiet singing at the top of one’s range that can terrify the amateur singer – all the more so when you find yourself in the front row of the chorus singing into the left ear of one of the Orchestra’s fine professional musicians.

I smile as I celebrate my own performance and recognise that, for the time being at least and notwithstanding my lingering cold, I am singing well. Of course I gave my all in the Dies Irae – for high volume and dramatic singing are my forte. And still I managed to sustain my voice and to land quietly and truly on some of the high, quiet phrases. I ponder, wondering what is giving me this ease and joy in my singing.

And I feel so grateful that I have reached a stage in my life when I am able to celebrate in this way, putting modesty to rest and allowing myself to acknowledge fully everything that I bring. Surely this alone contributed to a ‘personal best’ on Sunday.

Richard, I hope you were listening.

Sharing greetings of the season

All articles

Phew! Today I posted the last of my Christmas cards and sent my final e-mail greetings. I take the scale of this as a sign of the abundance of people who contribute to my life.

You, too, dear Readers. With this in mind, I share my greetings with you. Of course my newsletter (mentioned below) is not attached – still if you would like to receive a copy or to join my circulation list, please e-mail me directly at dorothy@learningforlifeconsulting.co.uk.

“These are days when many are discouraged.
In the 93 years of my life, depressions have come and gone.
Prosperity has always returned and will again.”

John D. Rockefeller
1932

Dear friends

As 2008 draws to a close, we are surrounded by the signs of a deepening and world-wide recession. Whatever our circumstances, whatever our response, 2009 will bring new challenges to us all. For many of us, these challenges will lie outside our prior experience. Perhaps we are young enough to be experiencing the first major recession of our lives. Perhaps our experience of recession is radically different, because of the responsibilities we have now that we did not have last time round.

No matter what our experience of the current recession, we get to choose our response. For this reason, I have chosen in my December newsletter to return to a subject I have written about before and to ask: 2009: a time of scarcity or abundance? I have also invited you to your own personal exploration in my accompanying paper, Whatever the Weather, Choosing Abundance Whatever the Climate. And whether or not you are a regular subscriber, I am choosing to attach my newsletter and accompanying paper.

I close the year with a deep sense of abundance and I want to express my gratitude to you for your role in that. You are my readers: the people who send cheery messages in response to my writing and encourage me to stay in touch. You are my clients: the people with whom I work in coaching partnership to produce major and minor miracles; the people with whom I look across whole organisations to ask, what can we do that will make the difference? And, dare I say it, you are my sales team! For even whilst I continue to explore new ways to help those people to reach me who can most benefit from our work together, the majority of new clients continue to come to me because you choose to refer them to me. I thank you all.

Sending you heartfelt wishes for a Christmas, 2008 and a New Year, 2009, which are happy, abundant and prosperous.

Dorothy Nesbit
Coach to Leaders