In the DVD Making Life Wonderful, in which Marshall Rosenberg teaches a group of adults about nonviolent communication, his third of three statements of purpose goes something like this:

One way to understand what is meant by “pure natural giving” is to reflect on all the times you have chosen to do things out of a sense of duty or obligation. In the family you may well have rules which have been handed down from generation to generation such that there are things that you do out of some sense of what’s expected rather than because you choose to. In the workplace there may be rules – both written and unwritten – that you follow more or less reluctantly because you “have to”. Pure natural giving, by contrast, is the kind of giving that you do because it meets your need to give. It’s the kind of giving that you do with joy.

The difference is not always in what you give or what you do and what you don’t give or do. No, it might equally be in the awareness that you have that you are indeed choosing to give and that your choice does indeed meet your needs. Pure natural giving comes from this awareness of choosing and of choosing to meet your own needs. Consider the difference, for example, between saying “I have to take John through the disciplinary process because his performance is poor and that’s the rules” and saying any one of the following statements:

• “I am choosing to take John through the disciplinary process because I’m aware that if I don’t I may open myself up to criticism from my boss. Having this job helps me to meet my needs for security – having a home, food to eat etc. – and I don’t want to put my needs at risk”;
• “I’ve noticed how other members of the team are beginning to show signs of resenting John in the team and I want to do something about it so that everyone’s needs can be met. Taking John through the disciplinary process is one way of exploring the issue and looking for ways forward”;
• “Over time I’ve observed how John works hard and still falls short of delivering in his job. I want to contribute to John and I believe that taking him through the disciplinary process will help us to explore what the issue is and to find a way forward so that John can thrive in his work”.

Each statement shows that the speaker acts out of a clear awareness both of choosing to act and of meeting his or her own needs by doing so, including the need to contribute to others.

It may surprise anyone who is not familiar with nonviolent communication (or NVC) to hear that pure natural giving is something we do to meet our own needs. It is not that we give whether or not it meets the needs of others. On the contrary! The practitioner of nonviolent communication understands his or her need to contribute to others and seeks feedback to understand the impact of his or her actions. At the same time, pure natural giving is something we do to meet our need to contribute. It is by acting in service of our own needs that our motive is pure and natural. In this sense the practitioner of NVC is “self-full” rather than selfless or even selfish.

I wonder, how does this land with you?