Every now and then I take time to watch the videos I have of Marshall Rosenberg working with groups to study nonviolent communication (or NVC). And although I’ve been studying NVC for a few years now and have watched the videos Making Life Wonderful a few times, too, I am struck – in about section 6 of 8 – by Marshall’s description of the purpose of nonviolent communication and decide to share it here.

Marshall’s statement of purpose has three parts and the first part goes something like this:

Now, the idea of connecting with others is not new. In my own Christian upbringing I was told to love my neighbour as myself. (What do other faiths say? Please share your thoughts on this from your own faith). In my NLP trainings, which I treasure, Ian McDermott placed great emphasis on rapport, describing it as one of the four pillars of NLP. In other words, if you want to be effective, you have to be able to get on with people.

Even so, it seems to me that this clear statement of NVC purpose goes a step further than any objective we commonly set ourselves in our modern day communication with others, where obeying some common laws of politeness (saying please and thank you, kissing your aunt on the cheek etc.) leaves plenty of room to make judgements or to hold enemy images. Indeed, in a world in which we judge, doesn’t judging others in some way free us from the obligation to be polite?

So, the level of challenge implied in this first statement of NVC purpose is great. Some of us may already harbour the odd grudge against our nearest and dearest – the son we describe as “lazy” or the wife we describe as “nagging”. And that’s before we go any further. Having watched the behaviour, for example, of some members of the audience towards Nick Griffin on the recent BBC Question Time it seemed that some were holding enemy images of Mr. Griffin in their minds – and felt justified in doing so.

Signing up to nonviolent communication means seeking to see beyond an individual’s actions and through to the simple humanity of the individual. It means placing ourselves neither above nor below others. It means seeking to understand even those actions we most abhor. The more committed we are in our practive of NVC, the more we return to this simple – and yet challenging – objective. And yes, that’s our son, or wife or colleague in the workplace. It’s Nick Griffin or any other politician you might care to mention. It’s every man, woman or child who has ever committed an act deemed criminal. The list is long…

I wonder, how does this idea land with you? And are you up for it?