A few months ago, I wrote a posting entitled Avoiding an office affair. This was a response to a posting by Gretchen Rubin entitled Six Tips for Avoiding an Office Affair. Before I wrote it, I wrote down the names of people I know who, at some stage, have had an affair at work. The list was long and, of course, that’s only the people I know about. Statistics suggest that a significant proportion of the UK working population meet their partners at work: it seems we all crave love. At the same time, outside of intimate sexual relationships, we can be a bit “buttoned up” when it comes to expressing our love of colleagues, clients, suppliers and just about anyone we meet at work. We feel it, but we don’t know how to express it.
In recent weeks, in a discussion on the Training Journal’s on-line forum for trainers and other professionals, colleagues have said that yes, they, too, grapple with this question. They also highlighted some of the challenges that come with it. Some are relatively innocuous: just what is a “friend”, for example, and how do we decide who to say yes to and who to say no to when invited to connect on Facebook or LinkedIn? Some are designed to make you laugh – the man who, trained by wife and daughter to add a kiss (“x”) at the end of texts included a kiss by mistake in a message to a high-ranking military officer he had only just met and received by return the message that the officer hadn’t expected their relationship to move so quickly to this level of intimacy – also signed with an “x”. Some pointed to significant challenges. How, for example, do you transition from the friendly style of communication you use day-to-day to a conversation with someone about their ongoing under-performance? And how do you handle misunderstandings when a colleague thinks you mean more by your friendly style than you actually do?
Why is all this important? At one level, it’s an issue of our time – with increasing levels of informality and the use of social media it’s something we need to find our way around. But there’s more to it than that. Our growing understanding of how the brain works is tending to confirm something we have all long since suspected – that we show up at our best when we have some sense that we are truly seen. In the literature of leadership, Daniel Goleman (in his article Leadership That Gets Results) shares figures which suggests that the use of an affiliative style of leadership – i.e. one which places people first – contributes to a positive climate at work, increasing motivation and leading to better work outputs. Of course it makes sense. Friendly interactions create emotional bonds and harmony. What’s more, the more we feel we are seen, understood and cared for, the more we feel safe to try different ways of doing things. This increased flexibility is often part of what makes us successful.
How then to express the love we have for members of our team? I don’t have all the answers but offer, instead, just five “top tips” with a nod of gratitude to my colleagues on the Training Journal forum:
Tip 1: Avoid universal friendliness
It’s not good enough in a leadership role to think your style is “just the way you are”. As Goleman puts it (in his article Leadership That Gets Results) “many leaders mistakenly assume that leadership style is a function of personality rather than a strategic choice”. One of the worst mistakes we can make is expressing ourselves in universally friendly ways – the same way with all people all the time. It’s this mistake that can lead a new colleague to believe we’re interested in a different kind of relationship when we’re not or can cause offence when we sign a message about the under-performance of a member of our team with our usual “x”.
Equally, especially in a leadership role, it’s important to take care not to discriminate. If you are always friendly with John and never friendly with Sally, both John and Sally will make meaning of your behaviour – and may even be right in their interpretations. This is unlikely to lead to the good health of the team and of individuals within the team.
Tip 2: Maintain rapport
You may think that you need to be friendly in order to maintain rapport but sometimes, being friendly will actually have the opposite effect, because it doesn’t sit comfortably with the person with whom you are interacting. Perhaps your friendly approach has come too soon in the relationship, in which case your team member may feel under pressure to reciprocate or choose to back away. Perhaps it does not sit comfortably given your team member’s background or culture.
Rather than treating everyone the same way, pace each person and be ready to adjust. Pacing involves meeting people where they are – matching the level of friendliness they show to you, for example, until you both feel comfortable. Becoming more friendly becomes a matter of judgement and timing, taking a small step and noting any response to judge how your approach has landed.
Tip 3: Use friendliness as one style amongst several
Any style you adopt as a leader will meet the needs of some situations but not others. Think carefully about the needs of the situation and choose an appropriate style. There will be times, for example, when you need to paint a picture for members of your team of where you want to get to and how you’re going to get there (I described one such time in When it’s time for the big leadership speech). This is especially important when your team or organisation is adrift and needs direction. In this case, your staff need to know that your care for them as individuals sits alongside a mission to which you are giving priority. Equally, there may be times – though rarely – when it really is time to say “do it, and do it now”. Being friendly when giving an instruction can leave people feeling confused – or able to duck out of doing something which needs, urgently, to be done.
Tip 4: Be clear about your own motivation
If there is any motivation behind your behaviour of which you are barely or unaware your behaviour will confuse and unsettle others. If you want to be able to express your love of your colleagues you need, first, to practise a rigorous self-honesty. What needs are you meeting or hoping to meet by taking a member of your team out to lunch when he or she is upset? If you’re hoping for a relationship to move beyond the professional and into the personal sphere, then notice this motivation and think about the implications of your choices before you take action.
Tip 5: Be ready to have conversations to clarify misunderstandings
Don’t be offended when your expressions of deep concern create misunderstandings amongst members of your team. The more you choose to express your concern, affection, love and care for members of your team or other colleagues at work, the more you risk a misunderstanding. This need not be a problem, as long as you have the skills to handle the results.
Make sure you’re ready to have the conversations you need to have to acknowledge a misunderstanding and to create clarity for you and your team member. Perhaps you need to share your perceptions when you think there may be a misunderstanding and to ask, “will you tell me what’s going on for you?” Perhaps you need to share your own experience, including your own intentions. There’s no need for blame – but every need for clarity.
Increasingly, the stiff upper lip of the British workplace is giving way to something less formal and with that informality come new challenges. I wonder what challenges you are discovering – and how you are handling them.