The second of three statements of purpose of nonviolent communication which Marshall Rosenberg outlines in the DVD Making Life Wonderful goes something like this:

It’s easy to see the level of challenge this might imply. Even in our most loving and intimate relationships there will be times when it seems impossible to honour another person’s needs without giving up on our own. And that’s before we consider all sorts of relationships we have at home and at work, let alone relationships on a larger scale – between political parties, or nations, or ethnic or religious groups…

Rosenberg is quick to differentiate between needs and the means or “strategy” by which we meet our needs. For whether we are discussing who’s turn it is to do the washing up or mediating between rival countries, a discussion held at the level of strategy is likely to lead to an impasse. Once different parties truly understand each others’ needs, however, it becomes much easier to generate ways in which everybody’s needs can be met. In other words, the challenge is not in finding ways in which everyone’s needs can be met: it’s in reaching a point in time in which everybody’s needs are understood and valued.

It’s easy to see how Rosenberg’s second statement of purpose is connected with the first – the intention to achieve equality of connection, in which we see each other’s humanness, free of enemy images or moralistic judgements. For as long as I see another person (or an organisation, or a country, or, or, or…) through the lense of moralistic judgement, why should I chose to connect with their underlying needs?

Nonviolent communication invites its followers to put aside such judgements and to make the connection with needs (one’s own and those of others) central to communication and a means by which equality of connection is attained.

I wonder, how often do you ask yourself “what needs am I seeking to fulfil right now?” when you are talking with others? And what thoughts do you have as you consider this idea?