Tag Archives: quotes

They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old

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They went with songs to the battle, they were young.
Straight of limb, true of eyes, steady and aglow.
They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted,
They fell with their faces to the foe.
They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning,
We will remember them.

Laurence Binyon
From his poem, “The Fallen”
World War I ended officially at 11am on 11th November 1918.  Remembrance Day is the offical commemoration across the countries of the Commonwealth of the sacrifices of both members of the armed forces and civilians in times of war.  The extract from Binyon’s poem, which has become known as the Ode to Remembrance, evokes especially thoughts of those who died.
As one who was born long after the end of World War I and indeed after World War II it was Sebastian Faulk’s book Birdsong that first brought World War I vividly to life, some years ago.  Later, a visit to Ypres brought to mind the forgotten members of the Commonwealth who fought under the British flag.
Now, though, I wonder who we remember on this day, thinking of the many soldiers who give arms and legs but not their lives and those who give, simply, their mental health as a result of the horrors they witness on behalf of their country and in foreign lands across the world.
It seems to me that as we think of and honour the dead, we are at risk of overlooking the impact of war on those who are still alive. 

Being the change: the challenge of owning my “genius”

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Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?”
Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.  There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us;  it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson
A Return to Love

On Monday I wrote about the challenges of being the change you want to see in the world.  I didn’t expect to return so soon to this subject to highlight another challenge – the challenge of owning my “genius”.  I take this term genius from Gay Hendricks’ book The Big Leap, a book which invites readers to step beyond their “zone of excellence” and embrace their true genius.

Marianne Williamson’s famous passage, from her book A Return to Love which quotes in turn from the book A Course In Miracles from the Foundation for Inner Peace, points squarely to this challenge and to its implications.  Society’s call to modesty often holds us back and at the same time to hold back is to embrace the law of unintended consequences.  As a coach with a passion to help people to embrace and inhabit their full potential I feel the challenge of choosing between society’s call and my own authenticity in modelling to my clients what I yearn for them to be able to do for themselves.

Today, Kathy Mallary, my coach (with special skills in the area of marketing for coaches) has been holding my feet to the fire, challenging me not only to write a statement of my genius (using the questions Gay Hendricks offers in his book) but also to place myself firmly in the centre.  This is what I came up with (how does it land with you?):

 My Genius




I’m at my best when I’m growing and developing powerful, compassionate and authentic relationships with myself and between myself and others.

When I’m at my best, the exact thing I’m doing is seeing beyond my current limitations to be present to my full potential so that I can develop a trust or knowing that I have a place in the world – a place of true belonging, a place in which my true self is truly a gift to the world. I am also identifying and taking meaningful practical actions towards living in and from my place of true belonging.

When I’m doing this, the thing I most love about it is seeing things falling into place (my own sense of self, new insights into my true path etc.) and experiencing – seeing and feeling – the sense of peace and harmony that comes from this: within myself, within others, and in the relationships between myself and others. This is life within nature’s true and harmonious laws – no “forcing” needed. As I blossom everyone and everything around me also blossoms.

Dorothy Nesbit
October 2010

PS  Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

If you want things to change, start by accepting the way things are

Coaching,

It’s Monday evening and I am on the “Genius Jam” call with my fellow coaches and members of Kathy Mallary’s Empowerment Club.  The club’s focus is our marketing.  Monday’s call, though, is about something wider – how are we contributing to our own progress and success?

I am curious when Kathy says to one of my colleagues:  “If you want things to change, you need to start by accepting the way things are”.  The fact that this resonates with me tells me I need to sit up and listen.

I sit and listen.  One of my colleagues likes to work with women at a time when they realise that, in order to move forward, they need to step fully into being who they truly are.  I recognise how much this applies to men and women alike.  So much of our education shapes us to seek out other’s expectations of us and to try to meet them.  This process continues in the workplace.  Lurking beneath this way of thinking is the idea that we have to be someone else – someone other than who we are – if we are to succeed.  This is an “I am not OK” or “I am not enough” position.

Along the way, many of us also feel the need to be authentic in our lives, so that we can feel torn between two worlds.  The mythical “midlife crisis” denotes the time when we can no longer sustain a way of being that keeps us so alienated from ourselves, or even a way of being in which we show one face to the world whilst also nurturing our true selves behind closed doors.  Sooner or later we want to “come out”.  This is not to say that the choice to come out in this way leads us through a door and straight to an authentic self.  For many – most?  all? – people, this is a step-by-step process of learning and discovery.

So, I ask myself, why did Kathy’s assertion resonate so strongly today with me?  I choose to see it as an important marker.  Of course, if you want to plan a journey from A to B you need to know where A is as well as B (though this is clearly true).  This is one reason why, if you want things to change you have to accept the way things are.  More than this, though, I ask myself, am I accepting myself as I truly am?

Our call finishes at 8pm so I cut myself some slack and decide to sleep on it.  No doubt this is a question to which I shall return.

 

Frogs Into Princes

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The trouble with many professional ethical codes, whether they are humanistic, analytic or anything else, is that they limit your behaviour.  And whenever you accept any “I won’t do it,” there are people you are not going to be able to work with.  We went into that same ward at Napa and I walked over and stomped on the catatonic’s foot as hard as I could and got an immediate response.  He came right out of “catatonia,” jumped up, and said “Don’t do that!”
Frogs Into Princes
Richard Bandler and John Grinder
Richard Bandler and John Grinder, the originators of what has become widely known as Neurolinguistic Programming, or NLP, began their work when they set out to study the work of some of the most effective therapists of their era, including Milton Erikson, Fritz Perls and Virginia Satir.  Frogs Into Princes, first published in 1979, is compiled of live transcriptions of some of their early seminars.
I must confess that, prior to studying NLP through a number of Practitioner, Master Practitioner and Coach programmes (where I chose to follow up on my own initial participation by becoming a member of the teams that supported these trainings to further my learning), I found reading about NLP about as easy a way to learn as learning Chinese by reading Mandarin.  I just didn’t get it.  Later, when I had already completed my NLP Practitioner, I made a mental note when a colleague told me that, for her, reading Frogs Into Princes was the experience that had first brought NLP alive.  And when I found a copy recently for less than twenty pounds I decided to buy it.
Reading it, I can see that it has something for everybody.  For the reader who is new to NLP it contains many examples of the ground NLP has covered, from specific techniques (re-framing and the phobia cure to name just two) to a number of assumptions which have become guiding principles of NLP.  The example given at the top of this posting illustrates at least two of them:  If what you are doing is not working, change it.  Do anything else and The meaning of the communication is the response you get.
For the seasoned Practitioner, Frogs Into Princes offers insight into Bandler and Grinder’s work, including the initial context in which they worked and the work itself.  They really did mean it when they encouraged you to try something else – anything else – if what you are not doing is not working.  I laughed out loud when I read the example given above and a number of other examples.  I was also reminded of the power of NLP to open up any number of new possibilities to the practitioner in his or her own life and in the lives of the people with whom he or she lives and works.
I talk about the people we work with in the broadest terms because NLP has expanded in its application way beyond the therapeutic field in which Bandler and Grinder originally studied.  The lessons of NLP are available to be applied in every area of life.  NLP can help the most senior leaders to share their visions in ways which capture the imaginations of those they lead.  NLP can help the classroom teacher to adjust his or her approach in order more effectively to support individual pupils.  NLP can help the husband or wife, at his or her wits end, learn how better to communicate with his or her partner.
I would add, almost as a PS, that there is one criticism that has often been levelled at NLP, that it is in some way manipulative.  If you want to form your own view of this, you could do worse than read Frogs Into Princes.  Who knows, you might well discover that turning your own frog into a prince begins with you.  NLP is, above all, about self-mastery.
PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Coming alive

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, , ,
“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive.
And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Howard Thurman

I am savouring this quote this morning, which speaks to so much that I hold to be true.

Perhaps one of the most important decisions we make in our lives is this:  do we act in the belief that we need to shape ourselves to what the world wants if we are to meet our needs, including our most fundamental needs for safety and survival, or do we act in the belief that we are part of something larger than ourselves, that we are called to contribute to this larger whole and will be supported and sustained as we explore and manifest our greater contribution?

As I write I reflect on the many men and women I have interviewed over the years to assess their suitability for senior leadership roles.  There are some who act in the awareness of this larger whole and of the contribution they are called to make.  Their energy is infectious – engaging and inspiring.  These are the men and women I feel drawn to spend time with.

As a coach to senior leaders, I notice how much I feel drawn to work in partnership with those men and women who, in some way, are manifesting the energy which might be called the living energy of their true self.  It could be that they are already in touch with this energy or it might be that this energy is shining through them despite their best efforts to overlook it.  Still, it is there.  How wonderful to work in partnership with clients as they learn to connect with their inner wisdom and guidance – to trust themselves – and in this way to uncover their true path.

And what about you?  It’s possible that these words have no resonance for you – perhaps you have already ceased to read.  Maybe you have questions, such as “how can I know that one or another belief is true?”  The answer is – you can’t.  Each belief is just a belief.  And given that it is just a belief, you might as well choose the belief that serves you best, right now, in this moment.

And in case you’re wondering which belief to choose I offer you this question to guide you:  which belief is most likely to help you to come alive?

Love’s Hidden Symmetry

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It’s all very well to read a good book as you travel across London to a wedding, but streaming mascara is not a good look (at least, not until the emotional events of a wedding celebration).  So I smiled even as I was moved to tears reading the transcript of a family constellation in the book by Bert Hellinger and colleagues, Love’s Hidden Symmetry.

I have been aware of Hellinger’s work for some time now and had it in my sights as something to investigate.  It’s probably been a full two years between buying the book and picking it up to read.  (It has to be said that I am beginning to trust my reading instincts – to know that this lapse of time is simply a wait until the moment is right to read a book.  It has been chosen once – put on my Amazon Wishlist or bought and ready on the shelf – and then chosen once again).

When the time came, I was taken aback by how riveting I found this book.  Hellinger’s work is born of a longer tradition amongst therapists seeking to help clients to unravel the dynamics of their family systems.  This tradition recognises the central role that our early experiences of family play in our lives long after we have – or appear to have – flown the nest.  My understanding is that Hellinger took this tradition further than most by seeking to access the healing power of what is called the “family constellation”.

What is a “family constellation”?  In his work, Hellinger establishes key facts of a client’s family life – a sibling who died young, a grandfather who committed suicide, a husband who left his wife – and invites members of the group to act as the representative of key family members as the client maps out the relationships between them.  This mapping out is a physical and metaphorical mapping out – a daughter stands near her father, for example, or a husband and wife stand close or far apart.  Representatives report how they feel, Hellinger makes adjustments until representatives feel at ease.  In the process, the client’s own relationships with members of his or her family are clarified in the family’s current constellation and adjusted.  Old patterns are released and new patterns found which work for members of the family as individuals and for the family as a whole.  No matter that the “family members” are representatives:  the outcome of this work is a shift for the whole family and not just for the individual client.

For me, the most compelling aspect of Hellinger’s work is his commitment to what he calls a phenomenological approach.  He is not there to suggest what should be but rather to explore what is.  This approach and its attendant observations have made his work controversial amongst some observers.  It is not only that his observations tend to reinforce traditional roles and heirarchies (though this alone is enough to stir up comment).  Equally compelling are the patterns that are evident across generations suggesting our unconscious loyalty to those who have gone before us – including those of whom we are unaware.

Reading this book is itself an exercise in healing: a way of connecting with the possibility that we may embrace whatever fate is ours in this life and also be at peace;  a reminder that our best gift to those who have gone before us is to seek out this healing and to live life to the full.  This is not only the domain of those who seek therapy (who are sometimes seen by those who don’t as in some way different or other than themselves).  We are all affected by our family experiences which linger in us both in the pain we may feel and in our capacity to give and receive love.

What was it about that family constellation that moved me so much?  It was the honour paid by the surviving member of a Jewish family after the Holocaust to his deceased relatives, each represented by a member of the group.  Completing this work Hellinger, himself a German who was a young man during World War II, after a long pause thanks the group and tells them:

In Germany, we are told by many people that we shouldn’t forget – we should remember what happened.  Very often, we are told accusingly, by people who feel superior, and that has a bad effect in the soul.  The proper way of remembering is what we did here, mourning the dead together – just being one with them.  That has a healing effect on the soul;  anything else has the opposite effect… I need a little time just to recollect myself.  I hope you understand, 

PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

A single footstep will not make a path

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Every now and then the busy-ness of life takes over – two whole weeks since I last published a posting.

Today though, the quote below caught my eye and seems to me to speak for itself:

“As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.”

Henry David Thoreau

Crossing the Unknown Sea

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“Work provides safety.
To define work in other ways than safety is to risk our illusions of immunity in the one organized area of life where we seem to keep nature and the world at bay”.
David Whyte
Crossing the Unknown Sea:  Work as a Pilgrimage of Identity
Recently, amongst the people with whom I spent five days at Vicky Peirce’s Come to Life Barn, I enjoyed meeting David, a recent graduate embarking on his career at a time when the economy is rocky and jobs are scarce.  Returning from the Barn and pondering our current economic situation I found myself picking up a book which has been waiting to be read for some time, David Whyte’s Crossing the Unknown Sea:  Work as a Pilgrimage of Identity.
With his characteristic style David Whyte draws on his own experiences and on the writings of others to reveal and explore the depths that await us if we only dare to bring ourselves fully to the experience of our work.  Every page reveals a deep truth about our relationship with work and about the relationship with ourselves which is revealed through this relationship.  The theme of conversation is woven throughout the book and I am at risk (though only very slightly) of losing sight of the overall arc of the book as I read sentence after sentence that lends itself to being quoted elsewhere.
As I read I also reflect on the experiences of friends, colleagues and clients in our current climate.  It seems to me that we have moved beyond redundancy as something that is happening to a few other people towards redundancy as something that is only a step away from each and every one of us.  With this comes a challenge to those of us for whom work is our primary and underlying security – for when our chief underlying security is no longer secure, we are challenged to look elsewhere.
The possibility or experience of job loss has a significant impact on the conversations we hold – at times without awareness – with ourselves.  For some, this is a devastating experience, rocking our very sense of self as someone worthwhile and with something to contribute.  We can see this in individuals and also in whole communities affected by the loss of an industry with which generations of neighbours and family members have become deeply entwined.  For others, redundancy becomes an opportunity to engage with deeper questions of who we are, what we want and what we bring, opening up new possibilities and pathways towards work as an expression of our true selves.  It is to these people that Whyte’s book is calling and it is with these people that I love to work in coaching partnership.
The possibility or experience of job loss is also something that shapes the conversations we have with one another.  For as we become aware that keeping our heads down and doing a good job may not be enough to secure our position in the workplace we are invited to reach out in mutual understanding and support.  Amongst the outcomes that our current climate can bring this is one that I see as entirely positive.  This is a movement away from a brightly-surfaced, brittle isolation towards a greater depth and intimacy in our conversations.  And once the surface of our isolation is broken and trust is established our world has already expanded and has the potential to continue to expand. 
For this reason, speaking to a client about the situation he faces as possible redundancy ebbs and flows, I notice that I cannot put my hand on heart and say that I truly wish he does not have to face the loss of his current job.  For whatever lies ahead I know that he – along with others like him – has the resources he needs to experience such a loss as an opening, a blossoming, as an experience by which he learns more about himself and his possibilities.  Whilst I do not have any wish for him that he lose his job, I do come back to my faith in the richness of human experience and in our capacity to learn, grow and thrive.
PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Your story in 2010

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It’s not the first time that I have asked my friend and fellow coach, Len Williamson, for his permission to share one of the brief writings he shares from time to time. Len has a particular gift for hitting the spot with just a few words. With his permission I share this example. It speaks for itself:

January and February are now written and the year’s themes are taking shape. Like any good novel now is a good time to take stock. Are you still holding the pen writing your story and do you like what is being written? Often by March the pen has slipped across our desk or been taken from our hands by someone else. In a trance we watch the pen write, live the story it tells and wonder why we are not where we want to be. If it is firmly in your hand or the hand of a friend and the story reads well then let the pen’s prose flow. If it is not then take it back, fill it with your ink and write the story you want to tell.

You can reach Len via his website at http://www.theowlpartnership.com. You can also read about Len’s efforts to raise awareness and funds for sufferers of multiple sclerosis at http://www.1000miles4hope.com/.

Yearning for change in a time of recession

Developing as a leader,

I have been taking some moments today to absorb the comments that have reached me – via e-mail as well as here on my blog – in response to the interview I posted last week with Daniel Pink. What themes are emerging?

Almost without exception, your comments suggest a yearning for change. One reader suggested that it’s time for an approach which is about having ‘enough’ rather than always wanting more. A number of readers point to the opportunity to find ways of moving forward which honour the needs of the many rather than affording excess to the few. Your comments that it’s time to cut back this excess as well as Daniel’s invitation to go back to first principles raise a question for me: how can we meet our needs in ways which restore and preserve the exquisite balance of the planet?

No wonder then, that you view this time of change as a time of opportunity, even whilst wondering whether the opportunity will be taken. Perhaps this is why one reader, responding to the question “Many commentators view the current situation with gloom and despondency. How do you view it?” responded “With optimism, tinged with gloom and despondency”.

One question emerged from your postings which I did not expect to ask: who do we look to for leadership at this time? One correspondent sees the role of our political, corporate and other leaders as “To continue to bluff whilst the situation sorts itself out”. It seems that some of us look to those in leadership positions to take responsibility (even whilst lacking faith in the outcomes of such an approach) whilst others amongst you prefer to do what you can to live your life in integrity with the values you want your leaders to promote.

Reading your comments has evoked memories of Buckminster Fuller, twentieth century inventor and commentator. It’s interesting to me that he asserted, as early as the 1970s, that we were living for the first time in an age in which we have everything we need for all our needs to be met. His prediction was that it would take at least 30 years for us to recognise and act on this fact. It was also Buckminster Fuller who commented widely on the role of integrity. I leave the last word on leadership with him: “We are at the point where the integrity of the individual counts and not what the political leadership or the religious leadership says to do”.

In closing, I extend my warm thanks to Daniel for sharing his thoughts and to all those who have shared their comments by e-mail and on this blog. Please continue to share your thoughts – it seems this thread is one worth keeping alive.