Tag Archives: Neuro-Linguistic Programming

Starting from where you are

Emotional Intelligence, ,

In my recent newsletter I wrote about the characteristics that support us in thriving in hard times.

As I write, I think of the old joke – often attributed to the Irish – about the man on the road who stopped to ask for directions only to be told, “if that’s where you want to get to, I wouldn’t start from here!” For some of my readers, the traits I have identified may seem a long way away from their starting point. And yet, we can only start from where we are. I wrote:

If you, as reader of this article, are recognising aspects of yourself in Carl, you have a great deal to celebrate. You are already showing some of the behaviours and characteristics that are leading Carl, and others like him, to thrive. Perhaps the recession is centre stage for you – and you are confident you know how to thrive no matter what. Perhaps the economic downturn is far from being central to your current interests. Either way, you feel grounded and confident.

Maybe, though, you are not thriving at present. It may well be that you are reading this article and noticing the gaps – the fault-lines – in your current response to the recession and everything that it is bringing to you. Maybe you are using this as a world class opportunity to beat yourself up! Or maybe you are wishing things were different right now.

Either way, I offer one of the primary characteristics of those who know how to thrive, no matter what: acceptance. This is not to say that the Carls of this world are complacent and do nothing. Rather, they accept both their outer circumstances and their inner response as their starting point. For if we are to begin a journey – any journey – where can we hope to start from, if not from where we are?

As I prepare this blog posting, I wonder what can we do to cultivate acceptance. My own experience points to one habit above all others that we can cultivate: the habit of being curious about the intentions that lie behind our own and others’ behaviours. This is a habit that is offered by practitioners of neurolinguistic programming (NLP), nonviolent communication (NVC) and no doubt other schools of thinking, both secular and religious.

To be curious about our positive intentions is to ask “what am I wanting?” We do not stop at feeling angry or frustrated or happy or sad. Rather, we ask this simple question again and again until we get down to the root of our desires. Often, we know we have reached the foundations of our desires for two reasons. The first is that we are no longer thinking in terms of a specific action (“I want John to do X”) or object (“I want a new car right away”). Rather, we are thinking about the underlying need that would be met by such an action or object (“I want to be accepted” or “I want to make my own choices”, for example). Reaching this depth of understanding leads us to the second sign that we have reached the foundations of our desires. For when we do, we often let go of our feelings of frustration, anger etc. and feel a deep sense of peace – acceptance. In NLP, this is decribed as a change of state. In NVC, practitioners sometimes talk about the living energy of needs.

NLP also recognises that different parts of us may appear, on the surface, to want different – even contradictory – things. So, the NLP Practitioner is interested in the dialogue we have with different parts of ourselves and in understanding the underlying intentions of each part. In NLP and NVC enquiring in this way can save us from the paradox that comes when we judge ourselves for judging others. This is a bit like the adult who slaps a child and says: “Don’t hit your brother!” Understanding our positive intentions – all our positive intentions – allows us to find a place of acceptance and to begin to explore effective strategies to meet our needs.

And what about being curious about the positive intentions of others, especially when we feel angry or frustrated by the impact their behaviours have on us? NLP teaches us that every behaviour has a positive intention. Even to understand this is to begin to accept – we may not know what the intention is behind a thought or action and still, we know there is one. NVC invites us to go further and to enquire, recognising that the person with whom we are in contact may not fully understand their own desires. We might say, “Jane, are you feeling frustrated because you’re wanting some appreciation for your actions?” It doesn’t matter that we’re right or wrong as long as we are making a sincere attempt to understand. Of course, we may not always be in dialogue with people or organisations whose behaviours we are struggling to accept. At times, whether up close or at a distance, it helps simply to remember that we can’t change others’ behaviour – we can only change our own.

As I write I am searching for the words to do justice to the role that coaching plays in helping people to understand their own intentions so that they can find ways of meeting needs of which, previously, they were only dimly aware. What a privilege to be able to support clients in this way – and to be a witness to the results!

Adjusting and adapting

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, , ,

In my recent newsletter I wrote about what it takes to thrive in hard times and today’s posting touches on the essential quality (which we can all develop and increase) of flexibility:

One of the most significant differences between those who are thriving in the current economic downturn and those who are not lies in their willingness to adapt. Carl is clear about his goals and, at the same time, highly flexible in the means by which he achieves them. Because he is so clear about what outcomes he wants to achieve, he is constantly adapting his approach to secure progress in each new circumstance.

For Carl, and others like him, the aim is to keep trying new things until he succeeds. He is happy to see what does and doesn’t work. In this way, there is no such thing as failure. When something doesn’t move him towards his goals he knows, simply, that it’s time to adjust his approach.

Carl’s commitment to his goals, coupled with his belief that he will find ways to reach them and his willingness to adjust, combine to create a sense of lightness and play. After all, if success is only a matter of time and if there are many ways to achieve success, why would he feel gloomy?

Today, rather than offer a step-by-step process to support you in increasing your adaptability, I offer a mixed offering of things you might like to consider along the way:

  • Know the difference between the means and the end: Many people confuse the end goal or underlying need with the means by which they hope to secure the end goal. The buyer of a high-status car may be unaware of how his or her purchase meets a need for self esteem for example. Or the man or woman who wants to have an intimate relationship may get stuck when things go wrong in relationship with his or her “one and only”. Unearthing your underlying need means going beyond any strategy that is specific to time, place or person. If you want to understand your end goal ask yourself “what would that do for me?” when you think you want something – and keep asking;
  • Take one step at a time: You may want to have the whole route planned out ahead of time. At the same time, some of life’s highest achievers start out with a goal and then take just one step at a time. They focus on the end goal, notice where they are starting from and ask themselves: “what’s the next step?” This is far easier than focussing on the big gap between the goal and the starting place and lifts the spirit considerably;
  • Select beliefs that support you: Perhaps the most helpful belief, one of the presuppositions of neuro-linguistic programming (or NLP) is “there’s no failure, only feedback”. When we adopt this belief, we often find it easier to experiment and to try things out, knowing that whatever the outcome, we’ve made a step forward. If our action doesn’t work, we know more about how (or how not) to make progress. Another helpful belief is “you can’t change the others, you can only change yourself”. This can help you to avoid the inflexibility that comes from looking to others to make changes they are unlikely to make. Paying attention to your beliefs can help you select presuppositions that support a flexible approach;
  • Take a break: It can be easy to get stuck in a single track of thinking, especially when the going is hard. This can lead to frustration – the belief, for example, that the only way to achieve a goal relies on something or someone who’s not co-operating. Taking a break – a walk, for example, or a conversation with someone about something quite different – can loosen up single track thinking and open up new possibilities;
  • Ask for help: I wrote about asking for help in a recent posting as part of this series (see 29th May 2009). Adjusting and adapting relies on flexibility in the way you look at a problem so asking for help may include asking others to help you identify multiple ways of looking at a situation. Equally, it may be that someone can provide just the help you need to take your next step forward.

Accessing the resources you need

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In my recent newsletter I wrote:

Accessing the resources you need is not only about reaching out for help. Carl’s readiness to reach out for help is a reflection of his own inner resources, including his belief that he is fundamentally OK, no matter what he knows or has yet to learn. Our inner resources include our personality traits, states of mind and beliefs.

In coaching, coaches make a powerful contribution when they help the people with whom they work in coaching partnership to identify and to access the resources they need. This contribution depends on holding the belief that their clients have the resources they need to succeed – the belief that clients are creative, resourceful and whole.

With or without the help of a coach, Carl is able constantly to access the inner resources he needs to maintain equilibrium in challenging times, as well as to achieve happiness and success.

How do people access the resouces they need in hard times? My training in neuro-linguistic programming (or NLP) provides some simple steps we can take:

  • Step 1: Know what you want. Before you access your inner resources, you need to know what you want them to do for you. I wrote about ways to explore what you want in my posting on 27th May 2009;
  • Step 2: Identify – name – the inner resources you need to make progress towards your desired outcomes. These may be beliefs, states of mind, emotions… When you ask yourself what inner resources you need it’s likely that your other-than-conscious mind will have some answers – and some of them may surprise you!
  • Step 3: Try them on for size. It’s not enough to have an intellectual understanding that you need confidence and a belief in your capability. Trying these resources on for size gives you the full package – a powerful felt sense that you already have these resources. Trying them on for size is like building a muscle: the more you do this, the more you have these resources at your immediate disposal;
  • Step 4: Notice any resistance or incongruity. Sometimes, there will be reasons why you resist accessing a resource. Perhaps you have a belief that you need to work hard to get what you want, for example, which stands in the way of accessing a sense of ease. This may be something you need to explore – to work with with your coach, for example, before you can truly access the resources you have identified.

And as I write I notice how hurried I am knowing I am due to go away on Friday. It’s time to notice what resources I need to feel confident I have all the time I need to get things done before I go away…

Taking action towards desired outcomes

Developing as a leader, ,

Today I realise that if I don’t post my newsletter by the end of this week it will suddenly become my June newsletter. I am on the case! I also choose to post some ideas here on the blog about another way of thriving in hard times, one I have written about in my newsletter:

People who know what they want can take action to make their dreams come true. This includes spotting and acting on opportunities. During our current recession, it’s striking how much those people who are thriving use the word “opportunity”. What is it that enables people to stay alert to opportunities during hard times?

Carl, like many successful people, is able to hold a vision for the future whilst not knowing how to reach his goals. Carl’s vision is not limited to results he knows he can achieve: he believes he will find ways to achieve his goals.

Carl and others like him are willing to try something and to learn from their attempts. For these people, simply taking action is a success. For whether or not an action yields the desired results, it supplies information about what does and doesn’t work and this in turn can help them to make progress.

Perhaps for this reason, Carl is willing to sow seeds which may not bear fruit until after the recession is over. He knows that the actions he takes during difficult times are leading him towards his goals and this, in turn, provides a powerful sense of momentum no matter what the economic climate.

Now, I confess, I grew up in the school of “perfection” so that, for many years, I found it hard to take any action unless I knew that success was guaranteed. It was a very limiting way of living my life. So, for those of you who want to become more bold in taking actions to realise your dreams I offer the following ideas, which draw on neuro-linguistic programming’s (or NLP’s) outcome framework:

  • Step 1: Practise connecting with your most heartfelt dreams, be they business, career or personal dreams. I wrote about how you might do this in yesterday’s post (see Knowing What You Want). The aim here is to feel truly connected with your goals and alive to their possibilities;
  • Step 2: Notice where you’re starting from on your journey towards your goals. I especially invite you to view your starting-point through a lens that empowers – rather than undermines – you. Try asking yourself: “what steps have I already taken in my life that are leading me towards my goals?” or “what resources do I already have that are helping me on my way?”
  • Step 3: Explore what steps you can take right now that will help you to make progress towards your goals. The idea, here, is not to map out all the steps you will need to take to get to your desired outcomes. Rather, the aim is to identify any steps you can easily take right now that will move you in the right direction. You may want to brainstorm ideas or invite suggestions from others;
  • Step 4: Take action! Choose any step or steps that you feel ready to take and take them. Usually, even in hard times, taking action leaves you feeling more resourceful than not taking action, so be sure to notice and swim around in any resourceful feelings you experience;
  • Step 5: Welcome feedback! Be curious about the outcomes from each step you take. Perhaps you will notice how well something works and what new possibilities it opens up. Perhaps you will find your action doesn’t lead to the outcome you desired. As long as you remember that “there’s no failure, only feedback” you will be able to welcome whatever outcome you get – it’s just information;
  • Step 6: Perhaps the next step is to go back to Step 1, enriched by the experience of taking action and with the new awareness that comes from having taken action. In this way you build momentum and make progress towards your goals.

When “perfect” is not good enough

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Today I have been preparing my quarterly newsletter. It’s something I love to do and it’s also something that takes time. It was my aim to send one out in April and it’s now my aim to send it out before the end of this month. Meantime, I have been juggling all sorts of other activities, from tracking down a CD (from Amazon Japan) to taking a coaching call from a client. All good stuff.

This week, I have also committed to take time to pull out some of the themes from my most recent coaching session with my own coach, Lynne Fairchild. So, before I go for a walk I’m taking time to ponder just one of the themes from my coaching.

Even though we talk of our aspirations, as parents, to give our children unconditional love, we live in a society which judges. And growing up in a society which judges, we internalise the messages. In the last week, two quite different experiences have brought me face to face with my own judging self. The first experience was an interaction with a client to which my response was to judge myself oh, so harshly! And only days later, in another context entirely, I was able to let go of any messages about what I do or don’t “deserve” to receive the gift of someone else’s care. These experiences could not have been more sharply contrasted!

What do I take from them both? Connecting with the part of me that judges, I realise how much she wants to meet a standard so that she “deserves” to have her needs met. After all, this is what she learnt to do as she was growing up. There is a risk that, in order to persuade others, she seeks to be “better than” or even “perfect”. Like so many behaviours that come from our childhood selves, this carries the risk of getting in the way of the very outcomes she’s seeking for me – to be amongst people who love me and support me in meeting my needs.

I am grateful for the second experience, of letting go of judgement of self and of others to receive the gift of someone else’s care. Receiving this gift without wondering whether or not I deserve it touched me deeply. At the same time, I recognise how much the quest to be perfect – or, worst still, to hold some kind of standards for others – gets in the way of being “good enough”. Indeed, I recognise how much I want to live in a world – to create my own world – based on connecting with my needs and with the needs of others.

This brings me to a personal challenge. Oh! How I aspire to listen with an intention to connect with the needs I and others are expressing, no matter how alienated we are from our own needs and no matter what words we choose! From this place, nothing anyone can say is ever “wrong”.

As I write, I reconnect with my aspiration to do this with ease and grace.

Speaking generally

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Taking a walk at lunchtime, I find myself reflecting on two messages which have landed in my in-tray during the course of the day. One message asks how I am faring at this unquestionably terrible time. Another points me to the opportunities that are open to us all at this time of recession. One thing is clear: whichever way you look at it, the generalisation is alive and well.

I am reminded of the body of work which has become known as Neuro-linguistic Programming or NLP. My first glimpse in the direction of NLP – though I didn’t know it at the time – came in 1983 when I took a paper in linguistics as part of my degree and grappled with the theories of Noam Chomsky. Dr John Grinder was also a student of Chomsky’s work, studying Chomsky’s theories of transformational grammar in the early 1970s. This was about the time he was approached by under-graduate student Richard Bandler who asked Grinder to join him in modelling the various cognitive behavioral patterns of three leading therapists in the field of Gestalt. Eventually, this work became the basis of the methodology that became the foundation of Neuro-linguistic Programming.

Bandler and Grinder created something they called the Meta-Model to examine the way we structure language to describe our model of the world. Historically, the Meta-Model provided the first publicly available NLP interventions and Richard Bandler described the Meta-Model as “the engine that drives NLP”. Bandler and Grinder proposed three primary processes by we translate experience into language: deletion, generalisation and distortion. If Bandler and Grinder are correct, the process of noticing patterns in our experience and forming generalisations provides the basis for forming a set of rules or principles by which we go on to operate. These rules help us to simplify our understanding and to make predictions. They also guide our choices and behaviours.

So much for the (brief) history lesson. Of what interest is this model during our current times? It seems to me that to view the current economic climate as one of unremitting gloom is to invite outcomes which may not serve us. Our mood may quickly come to reflect our belief and this may be an unpleasant experience in its own right. What’s more, by forming the view that we are all in the same (terrible) boat we may miss out on a variety of opportunities – to take positive action, for example, or to connect with the people around us.

A generalisation which creates a world of opportunity may also have its drawbacks. How can we be sensitive, for example, to those people whose livelihoods are in danger (or who, at least, fear their livelihoods are in danger) when all we can see is a world of opportunity? And if opportunities are everywhere, how can we begin to tease out and discern the real opportunities that face us and our businesses? Perhaps the key here is to recognise that, whether or not we choose to generalise, and whether we choose to generalise a gloomy or a positive world, we do choose.

I think of my work as a coach which helps the people – often leaders – with whom I work to become aware of the choices they are making and to make choices which serve their aims and intentions. It seems to me that the work of helping clients consciously to choose has its time in the “hard times” every bit as much as in the “good times”. And of course, as a coach, I recognise my own responsibility to monitor my own choices at this time. It seems to me that, no matter what, nobody wants to work with a coach who feels defeated by current events.

Talking about ecology

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Increasingly, I am struck by the places where my own interests and those of my niece meet. As an ecologist, currently writing up her PhD thesis, Rebecca is constantly alert to the implications of human choices for the wider ecology of our planet. As an executive coach, it’s my view that the choices we make reflect varying levels of awareness of the needs we are actually seeking to meet by our actions. The more we choose from a place of self awareness and honesty, the more likely we are to make choices that are ecologically sound.

In the realm of human choice I use the word ‘ecological’ with a particular meaning. We have an inner ecology as well as living in a wider ecological setting. In the field of neuro-linguistic programming (or NLP) practitioners talk of the ‘ecology check’. This is a process by which we check in with ourselves before confirming a decision, a process which recognises that what seems logical or in some way ‘correct’ may still leave us feeling uncomfortable. We are ready to make a decision when our minds, hearts and guts are all telling us, ‘yes, this is the right decision’.

This sounds easy though there are many factors that affect our decision-making processes. I could point to external factors – how do we decide with confidence when we have to decide in haste and with inadequate information? Sometimes, external circumstances do not conspire in our favour. Perhaps, though, we need to pay more attention to ourselves. For whilst there are times when we find ourselves in circumstances we cannot change, we can develop the capability to be aware of our needs, to accept them, and to make decisions that support us in meeting our needs.

I am particularly aware of this in our current business and economic context, for it seems to me that – at many levels – the question ‘What do I want?’ often goes unasked. The individual executive may continue to spend beyond his or her means even whilst becoming more wealthy with each successive promotion – and still feel hollow inside. It’s as if the actions taken are ‘the wrong tool for the job’. They don’t meet the needs of the executive concerned precisely because he or she does not know what needs s/he’s trying to meet. And when organisations are comprised of individuals who lack this self awareness or have a culture which discourages this self awareness, is it any surprise that they pursue business goals whilst failing to ask what outcomes these business goals serve?

How does this link to the wider ecology of our planet? Perhaps the first and easiest thing to say is that the more we make choices (individual, organisational) from a place of awareness of our needs, the more likely we are to make choices that serve the wider planet, not least because we all have a need to contribute to others and to the world around us. I would add that nature has a way of providing feedback which is always available to direct us – if only we are alert to its messages. In the current recession I wonder if we are willing to dig deep and understand the messages that are on offer to us and I suspect not. With or without the current recession, I wonder how serious we are about creating an economy which not only serves us, but also serves our children, our grandchildren and beyond.

This is a question raised by The Corporation (available as a book and as a DVD). When I first watched the DVD, courtesy of my friend Mark, I found its messages so hard-hitting that I put it to one side in pain. This weekend I felt ready to view it again. This time, in the midst of so many messages about the damage corporations wreak (on those who work for them, on the environment, on… on… on…) I was drawn to one of the central voices of hope, Ray Anderson, CEO of Interface. Anderson describes reading a book, Paul Hawken’s The Ecology of Commerce, as an epiphanal experience. After reading this book, Anderson set out to reshape Interface completely. The company now has a vision: ‘To be the first company that, by its deeds, shows the entire industrial world what sustainability is in all its dimensions: People, process, product, place and profits — by 2020 — and in doing so we will become restorative through the power of influence’. You can hear Anderson speak on YouTube, at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcRDUIbT4gw.

As I write what has become my longest posting yet, I feel the passion that draws me to this subject and I recognise how many ideas I have put forward that are subjects in themselves, waiting to be explored. At its heart, this posting is about ecology – the idea that we are all part of a systemic whole. Should the worse case scenario of planetary destruction take place, it won’t be for lack of feedback from our eco-system. The fact that coaching can support individuals in listening to those messages – from without, from within – is one of the things that gives me hope.