Tag Archives: Books

Coaching: opening up new perspectives

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Sometimes, the fact that we are doing our job well and enjoying it can blind us to the potential we have for a role which takes us (to borrow from Gay Hendricks in his book The Big Leap) beyond our “zone of excellence” to explore our “zone of genius”. This is what I sensed in Graham Parris when we began our work together in coaching partnership.

To find ourselves in our zone of excellence and with more to give does not always mean that we need to jump ship in search of something new. Rather, it often implies checking in, taking stock, beginning the process of tuning in to our intuitive voice – what some call our inner wisdom and guidance. Often, the job we already have takes on new meaning and significance when we can see it in the context of the larger picture of our lives.

I was thrilled to meet Graham at a time when there was scope for him to look at this bigger picture and to support him in taking a step back from his immediate concerns and to begin to ask: what do I really want from my career going forward? This is what Graham said about our work together:

When I started working with Dorothy I didn’t expect to be changing jobs immediately. Even so, Dorothy challenged me to look at what I really wanted in my life and career so that when I then needed to look for a new job I had already started to develop a different perspective on what I wanted and I had begun to imagine what it might feel and look like when I’d got there.

Coaching has been the most personal developmental opportunity I’ve ever had – intensely personal. For me, it’s been an opportunity to find and try out new approaches to things I’ve done all my life and an opportunity to identify and address areas where I’m holding myself back. So coaching has been timely for me with the biggest outcome being that I’ve given myself permission to think about things differently if I want to.

As my coach Dorothy supported me in working from the assumption that I have the answers within me and that has worked well for me. She set the scene well at the beginning of our work together and she challenged me in ways which have left me more empowered. As well as paying attention to the coaching process – showing up on time, helping me to set goals, checking in with me etc. – she brought immense coaching skills. I also enjoyed the way she wrote blog postings as a way of offering more content when it was helpful.

Graham Parris
White Consultants (WCL)

Working with a sense of flow

Emotional Intelligence, ,
Establish a place of work where engineers can feel the joy of technological innovation, be aware of their mission to society and work to their heart’s content.
Masaru Ibuka
First “purposes of incorporation” of Sony
There’s a name I have yet to master, so it’s a cut and paste rendition for me:  Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi has made it his mission to understand what makes people happy, recognising that research – again and again – shows that, beyond a certain level, money isn’t where it’s at.
Csikszentmihalyi’s classic text, Flow:  The Psychology of Happiness, has made it from my Amazon wishlist to my study and still has yet to be read.  So I was curious to receive a link to a speech by Csikszentmihalyi on the wonderful www.TED.com which is also available on YouTube – just follow this link to hear him talk for just short of twenty minutes about his life’s work.

What questions does it raise?  I wonder, how many of us achieve this state of flow and how often?  What would our life be like if this were a regular part of our experience?  And what would our experience of work be like if we made it our mission to pursue flow as a primary goal in our careers?  (Or if, as leaders, we made it a primary goal of our leadership to create a work environment in which those we lead experience the state of flow in their work?)

Masaru Ibuka seems to have recognised the possibilities for our lives in the workplace in his first “purposes of incorporation” for Sony.  As I write I recognise that it’s easy to look to the organisations we work for to facilitate our own sense of flow.  I wonder, are you ready to be responsible for this aspect of your life?

PS  Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Welcoming your parts to the party

Emotional Intelligence, ,

In recent weeks I have written a couple of times about the idea that we have different “parts”, in my postings From the stable of NLP: parts integration and Championing your inner parts.  But how many parts do we have?  And how do you begin to identify your parts?  This question was brought to me recently – though not for the first time – by a client who was becoming aware of the different parts of her which were responding in diverse situations.

In case you’re wondering what on earth I’m talking about, I offer an example from my own experience.  I remember taking part in a major research project, in 1999, into what differentiates the most outstanding teachers.  The project included visiting schools across the country to interview 180 teachers, as well as observing lessons and a range of additional activities.  Since I have no children of my own my visits to school are rare so my first visit to a school on this project reminded me powerfully of my own school days – it was as if Dorothy the school girl was showing up all over again with all the fears and excitements she brought to her own experience of school.  The experience of visiting that first school was, at the time, a strong invitation to that younger me.

How many parts do we have?  Caroline Myss, in her book Sacred Contracts:  Awakening Your Divine Potential, draws on Jung’s theories to highlight the role of universal archetypes in our lives, suggesting that each of us has up to twelve archetypes that are strongly in play in our lives as well as others whose energies come into play in particular situations.  Further, she suggests that each archetype has both a positive and a “shadow” side and, as such, are guardians of important lessons as part of what she calls our “sacred contract”.

Many clients of coaching, for example, are familiar with – and in all likelihood frustrated by – their saboteur archetype.  This is the part of us which can cause us to hold back and to make choices which block our own empowerment and success.  “What can be the good in that?”, you might ask.  In some schools of thinking the saboteur is cast as a “gremlin” which we are invited to ignore.  In some schools of thinking, the saboteur is seen as the guardian of our safety.  Myss sees the saboteur as the guardian of an important lession for us:  drawing to our attention situations in which we are in danger of being sabotaged or of sabotaging ourselves.  With awareness, we can learn to heed the warnings of the saboteur and to avoid making the same mistakes repeatedly.  Without awareness, the shadow saboteur will manifest in the form of self-destructive behaviour or the desire to undermine others.

Myss’ book is a rich resource for anyone who wants to study this subject more fully and includes descriptions of a wide range of archetypes which help the reader to identify their own “support team”.  At the same time there are other ways to become familiar with our parts so I offer some questions here as my “starter for ten”, in case you want to identify and get to know your parts:

  • In the different areas of your life, which “you” is showing up?  Take time over days, weeks or months to notice the different “yous” who show up across the full range of your life;
  • As you identify each “you”, notice what you know about him or her.  How old is she, for example?  How tall?  What does she wear?  Where does she hang out?  I could go on… 
  • In the way that she’s showing up right now, is she a force for good or ill in your life?  How do you respond to him or her?  This is an important question, highlighting areas where you have yet to learn to cooperate with your parts and to work together to the benefit of your learning and progress;
  • What is the primary intention of each part?  What purpose or even lesson does he or she represent in your life?  To what extent have you learnt that lesson?

In most cases, we have parts that we favour and some that we firmly reject.  Understanding the purpose each part plays in our lives can lead us to new learning and to a relationship with each part which supports us rather than undermines us.  For this reason I invite you to welcome each part – each “you”.

PS  Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old

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They went with songs to the battle, they were young.
Straight of limb, true of eyes, steady and aglow.
They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted,
They fell with their faces to the foe.
They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning,
We will remember them.

Laurence Binyon
From his poem, “The Fallen”
World War I ended officially at 11am on 11th November 1918.  Remembrance Day is the offical commemoration across the countries of the Commonwealth of the sacrifices of both members of the armed forces and civilians in times of war.  The extract from Binyon’s poem, which has become known as the Ode to Remembrance, evokes especially thoughts of those who died.
As one who was born long after the end of World War I and indeed after World War II it was Sebastian Faulk’s book Birdsong that first brought World War I vividly to life, some years ago.  Later, a visit to Ypres brought to mind the forgotten members of the Commonwealth who fought under the British flag.
Now, though, I wonder who we remember on this day, thinking of the many soldiers who give arms and legs but not their lives and those who give, simply, their mental health as a result of the horrors they witness on behalf of their country and in foreign lands across the world.
It seems to me that as we think of and honour the dead, we are at risk of overlooking the impact of war on those who are still alive. 

Leadership and the Anatomy of the Spirit

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, , , ,

It’s Friday night in the run-up to a concert.  Tutti night, when the chorus and orchestra get together for the first time to prepare for a concert on Sunday.  Even though I know there won’t be much down-time in this particular rehearsal, I have my book with me in the hope that I might be able to continue my reading.  Part-way through the rehearsal one of my colleagues leans over and asks to take a look.  I send the book down the row, marking a page I think might be of particular interest.  I don’t see it for the remainder of the rehearsal.  When it comes back she comments:  “It should be essential reading”.

The book’s author, Caroline Myss, is – it seems to me – an extraordinary woman who has become what is known as a “medical intuitive”.  With very little information about the individuals concerned, Myss found she could diagnose illnesses and pinpoint the causes of those illnesses and the energetic or spiritual challenges faced by the individuals concerned.  It wasn’t always that way.  In the preface to her book she charts her transition from newspaper journalist to theology student to founder of Stillpoint publishing company to medical intuitive.  This latter is not something she sought out.  Her initial experiences in this area left her confused and a little scared and it was a while before she met C. Norman Shealy, M.D., Ph.D and began to support her intuitive abilities with an intensive study with him of the physical anatomy of the human body.

In her book, Anatomy of the Spirit:  The Seven Stages of Power and Healing, Myss sets out to teach the reader the language of energy with which she works, offering a summation of her fourteen years of research into anatomy and intuition, body and mind, spirit and power.  She draws on a number of spiritual traditions including the Hinda chakra, the Christian sacraments and the Kabbalah’s Tree of Life to present a new view of how the body and spirit work together.  In reading Myss’ book, I was fascinated by the model she outlines, charting the energetic content of each chakra, its location, its energy connection to the emotional/mental body, primary fears, primary strengths, sacred truths and more.  This is a map of the spiritual challenges we face in our lives in which Myss also shares many stories from her work which illustrate the implications of embracing – or not – those essential human challenges.

For those already familiar with the world of energy and comfortable with the language of the spirit, Myss’ book is a fascinating read and a reference to return to again and again.  At the same time, Myss’ book is not only for the spiritual seeker.  In the often more guarded language of the business world, Myss is addressing aspects of what is often called emotional intelligence.  Many books for example, (including Alfie Kohn’s Punished by Rewards and more recently Daniel Pink’s Drive:  The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us) highlight research findings which demonstrate unequivocally that we give our best performance when we are driven by our own intrinsic motivation rather than by external punishment and reward.  In the language of the spirit this is about our intuition and inner guidance – something Myss covers amply throughout this book.

As I read what I have written so far, I also think of the need for leaders to be able to uderstand themselves, to understand others and to understand the context in which they work – the organisational and wider culture.  I think of how often my own work as executive coach supports individuals in facing the very challenges Myss outlines in this book:  what would it mean for leaders to be able to support themselves and others in the same way?  Myss’ book offers powerful and intriguing insights for the leader from the world of (as it has become known) alternative medicine.

PS  Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Being the change: the challenge of owning my “genius”

Coaching, ,

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?”
Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.  There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us;  it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson
A Return to Love

On Monday I wrote about the challenges of being the change you want to see in the world.  I didn’t expect to return so soon to this subject to highlight another challenge – the challenge of owning my “genius”.  I take this term genius from Gay Hendricks’ book The Big Leap, a book which invites readers to step beyond their “zone of excellence” and embrace their true genius.

Marianne Williamson’s famous passage, from her book A Return to Love which quotes in turn from the book A Course In Miracles from the Foundation for Inner Peace, points squarely to this challenge and to its implications.  Society’s call to modesty often holds us back and at the same time to hold back is to embrace the law of unintended consequences.  As a coach with a passion to help people to embrace and inhabit their full potential I feel the challenge of choosing between society’s call and my own authenticity in modelling to my clients what I yearn for them to be able to do for themselves.

Today, Kathy Mallary, my coach (with special skills in the area of marketing for coaches) has been holding my feet to the fire, challenging me not only to write a statement of my genius (using the questions Gay Hendricks offers in his book) but also to place myself firmly in the centre.  This is what I came up with (how does it land with you?):

 My Genius




I’m at my best when I’m growing and developing powerful, compassionate and authentic relationships with myself and between myself and others.

When I’m at my best, the exact thing I’m doing is seeing beyond my current limitations to be present to my full potential so that I can develop a trust or knowing that I have a place in the world – a place of true belonging, a place in which my true self is truly a gift to the world. I am also identifying and taking meaningful practical actions towards living in and from my place of true belonging.

When I’m doing this, the thing I most love about it is seeing things falling into place (my own sense of self, new insights into my true path etc.) and experiencing – seeing and feeling – the sense of peace and harmony that comes from this: within myself, within others, and in the relationships between myself and others. This is life within nature’s true and harmonious laws – no “forcing” needed. As I blossom everyone and everything around me also blossoms.

Dorothy Nesbit
October 2010

PS  Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Frogs Into Princes

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The trouble with many professional ethical codes, whether they are humanistic, analytic or anything else, is that they limit your behaviour.  And whenever you accept any “I won’t do it,” there are people you are not going to be able to work with.  We went into that same ward at Napa and I walked over and stomped on the catatonic’s foot as hard as I could and got an immediate response.  He came right out of “catatonia,” jumped up, and said “Don’t do that!”
Frogs Into Princes
Richard Bandler and John Grinder
Richard Bandler and John Grinder, the originators of what has become widely known as Neurolinguistic Programming, or NLP, began their work when they set out to study the work of some of the most effective therapists of their era, including Milton Erikson, Fritz Perls and Virginia Satir.  Frogs Into Princes, first published in 1979, is compiled of live transcriptions of some of their early seminars.
I must confess that, prior to studying NLP through a number of Practitioner, Master Practitioner and Coach programmes (where I chose to follow up on my own initial participation by becoming a member of the teams that supported these trainings to further my learning), I found reading about NLP about as easy a way to learn as learning Chinese by reading Mandarin.  I just didn’t get it.  Later, when I had already completed my NLP Practitioner, I made a mental note when a colleague told me that, for her, reading Frogs Into Princes was the experience that had first brought NLP alive.  And when I found a copy recently for less than twenty pounds I decided to buy it.
Reading it, I can see that it has something for everybody.  For the reader who is new to NLP it contains many examples of the ground NLP has covered, from specific techniques (re-framing and the phobia cure to name just two) to a number of assumptions which have become guiding principles of NLP.  The example given at the top of this posting illustrates at least two of them:  If what you are doing is not working, change it.  Do anything else and The meaning of the communication is the response you get.
For the seasoned Practitioner, Frogs Into Princes offers insight into Bandler and Grinder’s work, including the initial context in which they worked and the work itself.  They really did mean it when they encouraged you to try something else – anything else – if what you are not doing is not working.  I laughed out loud when I read the example given above and a number of other examples.  I was also reminded of the power of NLP to open up any number of new possibilities to the practitioner in his or her own life and in the lives of the people with whom he or she lives and works.
I talk about the people we work with in the broadest terms because NLP has expanded in its application way beyond the therapeutic field in which Bandler and Grinder originally studied.  The lessons of NLP are available to be applied in every area of life.  NLP can help the most senior leaders to share their visions in ways which capture the imaginations of those they lead.  NLP can help the classroom teacher to adjust his or her approach in order more effectively to support individual pupils.  NLP can help the husband or wife, at his or her wits end, learn how better to communicate with his or her partner.
I would add, almost as a PS, that there is one criticism that has often been levelled at NLP, that it is in some way manipulative.  If you want to form your own view of this, you could do worse than read Frogs Into Princes.  Who knows, you might well discover that turning your own frog into a prince begins with you.  NLP is, above all, about self-mastery.
PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Nonviolent Communication: resources for beginners

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All approaches to communication have applications in every area of our personal, group and societal lives.  For most people – let’s be clear, if there are exceptions, I don’t yet know them – the basic approaches to communication that we use are consistent in a number of respects.  Most of us, for example, communicate in line with beliefs and values which are consistent across the full range of our business and personal relationships.  We all have positive intentions when we communicate with others.

At the same time, for many of us, there are aspects of our communication that are both habitual and unexamined.  In particular, we may be unaware of the beliefs that inform our approach to communication.  And we may fail to notice the unintended (including negative) consequences of our chosen approach.  This is so commonplace that we can assume that the blind spots we have individually are a reflection of more widely-held blindspots in a culture or cultures which practise the same approach to communication.  (Indeed, in his book Vital Lies, Simple Truths* Daniel Goleman makes a compelling case to this effect).

Over the years, I have become a fan of a number of thinkers whose work points to alternative approaches which tend to support the healing of old misunderstandings and to communicate in ways which facilitate understanding and connection in the present moment.  For this reason I admire and engage actively in the work of Marshall Rosenberg (author of Nonviolent Communication:  A Language for Life).

Now, all this is by way of introduction to some resources that were highlighted to me by Ray Taylor, a colleague in the world of Nonviolent Communication who shared two recordings which are available on-line and offer a clear introduction to Nonviolent Communication (or NVC).  Just follow the links as follows:  the first is an introduction to NVC by Marshall Rosenberg and the second is a link to a number of talks by Jorge Rubio.  I wish you happy listening.

PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Love’s Hidden Symmetry

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It’s all very well to read a good book as you travel across London to a wedding, but streaming mascara is not a good look (at least, not until the emotional events of a wedding celebration).  So I smiled even as I was moved to tears reading the transcript of a family constellation in the book by Bert Hellinger and colleagues, Love’s Hidden Symmetry.

I have been aware of Hellinger’s work for some time now and had it in my sights as something to investigate.  It’s probably been a full two years between buying the book and picking it up to read.  (It has to be said that I am beginning to trust my reading instincts – to know that this lapse of time is simply a wait until the moment is right to read a book.  It has been chosen once – put on my Amazon Wishlist or bought and ready on the shelf – and then chosen once again).

When the time came, I was taken aback by how riveting I found this book.  Hellinger’s work is born of a longer tradition amongst therapists seeking to help clients to unravel the dynamics of their family systems.  This tradition recognises the central role that our early experiences of family play in our lives long after we have – or appear to have – flown the nest.  My understanding is that Hellinger took this tradition further than most by seeking to access the healing power of what is called the “family constellation”.

What is a “family constellation”?  In his work, Hellinger establishes key facts of a client’s family life – a sibling who died young, a grandfather who committed suicide, a husband who left his wife – and invites members of the group to act as the representative of key family members as the client maps out the relationships between them.  This mapping out is a physical and metaphorical mapping out – a daughter stands near her father, for example, or a husband and wife stand close or far apart.  Representatives report how they feel, Hellinger makes adjustments until representatives feel at ease.  In the process, the client’s own relationships with members of his or her family are clarified in the family’s current constellation and adjusted.  Old patterns are released and new patterns found which work for members of the family as individuals and for the family as a whole.  No matter that the “family members” are representatives:  the outcome of this work is a shift for the whole family and not just for the individual client.

For me, the most compelling aspect of Hellinger’s work is his commitment to what he calls a phenomenological approach.  He is not there to suggest what should be but rather to explore what is.  This approach and its attendant observations have made his work controversial amongst some observers.  It is not only that his observations tend to reinforce traditional roles and heirarchies (though this alone is enough to stir up comment).  Equally compelling are the patterns that are evident across generations suggesting our unconscious loyalty to those who have gone before us – including those of whom we are unaware.

Reading this book is itself an exercise in healing: a way of connecting with the possibility that we may embrace whatever fate is ours in this life and also be at peace;  a reminder that our best gift to those who have gone before us is to seek out this healing and to live life to the full.  This is not only the domain of those who seek therapy (who are sometimes seen by those who don’t as in some way different or other than themselves).  We are all affected by our family experiences which linger in us both in the pain we may feel and in our capacity to give and receive love.

What was it about that family constellation that moved me so much?  It was the honour paid by the surviving member of a Jewish family after the Holocaust to his deceased relatives, each represented by a member of the group.  Completing this work Hellinger, himself a German who was a young man during World War II, after a long pause thanks the group and tells them:

In Germany, we are told by many people that we shouldn’t forget – we should remember what happened.  Very often, we are told accusingly, by people who feel superior, and that has a bad effect in the soul.  The proper way of remembering is what we did here, mourning the dead together – just being one with them.  That has a healing effect on the soul;  anything else has the opposite effect… I need a little time just to recollect myself.  I hope you understand, 

PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Feeling your way into your perfect job: a powerful question to bring your dreams alive

Developing as a leader, , , ,

In recent days I’ve been exploring ways to feel your way into the perfect job for you, recognising that the more you have a felt sense of your perfect job the more likely you are to be inspired to find it.

In this last posting on this topic (OK, at least for now) I offer the simplest of questions which you can ask yourself about the job you really yearn to do – and perhaps the most powerful.  This question comes from my NLP trainings and is the number one question for coaches everywhere (and no doubt others, too):  what do you want?

Well, actually, there’s a supplementary question, too.  And it’s this little supplementary question that gives the first question its power and that is:  what would that do for you?  So, what do you want in your new job?  (Let’s say:  “I want to lead a business out of the current recession”).  And what would that do for you?  (“It would give me the thrill of turning around a business which otherwise could go under”).  And what would that do for you?  (“It would meet my need to contribute to our economic recovery”).  And what would that do for you?  (“I just want to make a positive difference to people, to conribute, to offer hope…”).  You get the gist!

This powerful little question takes us from the surface manifestation of a dream to the underlying needs that would be met by fulfilling that dream.  In the language of Marshall Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication:  A Language for Life, this is the difference between recognising the strategy by which we meet meet a need and connecting with the need itself.  You know you’ve connected with the core of your dream when you feel you’ve connected with your dream – everything in your body changes at this moment of recognition.

Several things happen when we explore this question which are invaluable to the job hunter (and to anyone else come to that):

  • Firstly, as we get closer and closer to recognising the needs we think our dream job will meet we experience a felt sense of this perfect job.  This is, if you like, another way of “trying it on for size”.  In terms of the way we feel, connecting with our needs in this way is pretty much as good as meeting them!  At least in this moment of connection we experience the quality of feeling we would like to experience in our lives on an ongoing basis;
  • Also, recognising our underlying needs can open up new options as we realise “Ah!  If that’s the need I’m trying to meet, I could do it in this way, too, and this way…!”
  • Occasionally, as we connect with the need we recognise that our initial choice of how to meet the need was, frankly, way off beam.  If caring for your family is your number one priority for example, maybe the high flying job that takes you all over the world supplies the money you want to earn …but not the opportunity to stay closely involved and connected with your loved ones in your every day lives.

 So, I invite you to try on this powerful pair of questions and of course, be sure to let me know how you get on.

PS I love Rosenberg’s book!  So much so that I’ve set up this link so that, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee if you buy this book using the link in this posting.