Category Archives: Emotional Intelligence

Recession: taking a wider view

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, , ,

Recently, I wrote in my newsletter, John and Lesley* were discussing the prospect of redundancies in their organisation. For them, redundancy was a very real possibility. As well as thinking about the possibility that they might be made redundant, they thought about the potential outcomes from being made redundant. Their spirits were low.

Carl*, on the other hand, was in a different place. This was Carl’s first experience of a recession during his career. He was excited to learn about how to thrive in business during a downturn and actively looking for opportunities. His spirits were high.

Viktor Frankl, author of Man’s Search for Meaning, famously observed how, even in the concentration camps in which he was prisoner during the Second World War, some prisioners found it in themselves to give away their last pieces of bread to comfort others and pointed to the freedom we all have: to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

In this posting, I offer some thoughts about what you can do if you want consciously to choose your response to a challenging situation, be it your current circumstances in the recession or any other situation:

  • You might start by noticing the response you have, unconsciously, chosen. What are you feeling about your current situation and what thoughts are leading you to feel that way? This implies owning that it’s your thoughts about your situation rather than the situation per se that’s leading you to feel the way you do;
  • Once you’ve tuned into your current way of thinking and feeling, ask yourself, “what is my positive intention in choosing this way of thinking and feeling?” This is a way of honouring the intentions you are holding whilst recognising that there may be other ways of fulfilling your intentions;
  • Whether or not you have carried out the exercises above, one way to generate alternatives is to brainstorm. How many different ways can you think of to view your current situation? How many different ways are there to feel about it? I invite you to offer yourself some stretch here by including ways of viewing your circumstances that you are telling youself are in some way “wrong”, “inappropriate” or (insert whatever label springs to mind here);
  • Another way to generate different perspectives is to ask yourself questions that invite you to adopt a different point of view. For example, how might you view your current situation in the context of your whole life? How would you like to be able to look back on it in years to come? How might (insert the name of someone you admire or someone you find amusing) view your current situation?
  • It’s possible that you might find it helpful to give yourself permission to choose your way of viewing your current situation. This could open up new possibilities. What way would you choose to view your current circumstances if any way were OK, for example? What way would you choose to view your current circumstances if you wanted to feel (insert desired feeling here)?
  • Finally, you may find it helpful to share ideas with other people before choosing, especially if you are struggling to see things in more than one way or in a way that leaves you feeling comfortable. You may find that talking with a friend or colleague is enough to help you to choose a way of viewing things that works for you. You may find that your professional adviser (coach, therapist or other professional adviser) can give you the support you need to find a way of viewing your circumstances that works for you.

In the end it’s you who gets to choose your point of view. By checking in with yourself, you will know how well your current perspective is serving you.

(*John, Lesley and Carl are fictional characters used for illustration of the points being made)

Thriving in hard times

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

What differentiates those who thrive in hard times from those who suffer? What does it take to develop the resilience needed to survive – to thrive, even – in hard times?

Our current economic downturn is throwing up tough challenges for many people. At the same time, others are clearly thriving. This week I’ve been writing the main article for my newsletter, focussing on the subject of what it takes to thrive in hard times.

I’ve been drawing on various sources – from research to direct observation – to answer this question. I’m aware just how diverse the response to the recession is amongst friends, colleagues, people in public life as well as amongst those with whom I work in coaching partnership.

In the coming days I’ll be sharing ideas from my article and building on them here on this blog. It’s one thing to know what it takes to thrive, but quite another to fill the gap if you don’t – yet – have what it takes. This is an opportunity I look forward to along with your comments.

And if you’re not thriving, why not treat yourself to a coaching “stock take”? This can be a way of stepping back to distinguish the wood from the trees. If you’d like to find out more please drop me a line at dorothy@learningforlifeconsulting.co.uk.

Meantime, enjoy your weekend.

Making friends with power

Coaching, Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, , , ,

It’s a funny thing, power. David McClelland, in his extensive study of human motivation (summarised in the book of the same name) identified power as one of three primary areas of unconscious motivation.

Mention power in many circles, even circles of power and influence, and you’ll find, frankly, that it gets a bad press. It’s easy to see why this might be true, when we have such a long history in the human race of exercising power over others in ways which meet the needs of one person or group at the expense of the needs of another.

Through my studies of nonviolent communication, I have come to a different understanding of power. For whilst we can exercise power over others we can also exercise power with others. We do this when we act from the belief that our needs – everybody’s needs – are important. This belief provides a basis for seeking to find ways to connect with, honour and meet our needs. This same belief provides a basis for helping others to do the same.

A first step on the road to nonviolence is to fully inhabit our own needs – to connect with them, bathe in them, experience the living energy of those needs. Perhaps it’s worth highlighting that when we are truly connected to our needs our primary focus is on our needs. The question of how we might meet them and who might help us in this endeavour becomes secondary. There are so many ways in which different needs can be met.

Now, in my work as a consultant and, more recently, in my work as a coach, I have for some years been helping leaders as they grapple with questions of power. Still, ten days after spending a day with consultant and NVC trainer Gina Lawrie, something she said and has said before is landing with me with a new energy and I recognise just how much I want to embrace the power of my needs fully and in this way to inhabit and live from my full power. Only days after sharing my values on my blog I realise it’s time to revise them and add another. I’m not yet sure I have the words right and still they are good enough for now. I decide that one of my values, a way of honouring and serving life is:

Fully inhabiting and living from my power.

When it’s time to follow your bliss

Alternative approaches, Coaching, Emotional Intelligence, , ,
The power of coaching lies in its invitation to become increasingly conscious of the dreams we hold for our life and to take steps towards the fulfilment of these dreams. Joseph Campbell, author of The Hero With A Thousand Faces and The Power Of Myth, describes the choice to pursue this journey as “following your bliss”. Because coaching sponsors this journey, whether clients are working with “life”, “executive” or any other coaches, they usually report high levels of satisfaction with their experience of coaching.
This is not to suggest that the road we travel when we act to create the life of our dreams is always easy. Often, clients come up against barriers to progress and need to find ways to engage with these barriers and to overcome them. The most insidious of these are clients’ (often hidden) limiting beliefs. Do I have the resources I need to create the life I dream of? Will my loved ones support me – continue to love me, even – if I pursue my dreams? How will people respond if I fail? Will my gain be at others’ expense? The list goes on and on. Perhaps the mother of all hidden beliefs – the belief that underlies the myriad questions we ask ourselves – is the belief that it’s somehow not OK to live the life of our choosing; the belief, if you like, that it is not our lot to be happy and fulfilled in life.
Today I am reminded of this in my work with one of my coaching clients and I promise to pop a quote onto my blog. The quote is from a book by Michael Berg called The Secret: Unlocking The Source Of Joy And Fulfilment. Michael’s family is prominent in sharing the teachings of Kabbalah. Whilst I am not a student of Kabbalah, my precious friend Rob is. As a result of our sharing over time, I was delighted to read Michael Berg’s tiny book and the quote I share below jumped out at me. I dedicate it to my coaching clients and their various journeys:
One of these lessons needs to be introduced now, for it’s the foundation of everything that follows. This lesson can be expressed in few words: Our true destiny is not the pain and suffering that can seem so pervasive in the world but a joy and fulfilment beyond imagining.
I wonder, what new doors would open up for us all if we were guided in our lives by this belief?

Are we ready for Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional Intelligence,

Every now and then I have what one might call a “mad day”. Today I am experiencing the knock-on effect of one such day, for yesterday I rose at 5.30am and today I am feeling gently tired.

I started the day by listening to Guy Claxton as he addressed the Talent Foundation to talk about matters of education following the publication of his most recent book, What’s the Point of School? Rediscovering The Heart of Education. From there I went on to join Gina Lawrie and her colleagues from Helix Consulting at a workshop in which we explored practical ways to help workplace groups to develop as dynamic, functional emotionally intelligent teams. And then on to hear Lone Franks speak at the RSA following the publication of her book, Mindfield: How Brain Science is Changing Our World, about recent discoveries about the brain and its functioning and the about implications of this growing body of knowledge.

What did I take from my day? Listening to Guy Claxton speak and to our post-talk discussions I was struck, once again, by the disparities between what we measure in our students and what we know to be important. In the workplace, we have come to accept the central role that an individual’s emotional intelligence plays in his or her success at work. In schools we have come to recognise a body of personal characteristics, beginning with the natural curiosity children bring, and their impact on learning and learning outcomes. How is it that, with such knowledge, we do so little to assess and encourage these characteristics and may even seem intent on discouraging them in our school-age children? I confess, I am curious about the role our government plays in this and how our ministers can ignore so much of what research tells us and still wonder why we are not more entrepreneurial as a nation.

With so much to say in her talk, Lone Franks’ evening presentation leaves me to ponder further. For doesn’t the work of our neuroscientists reinforce what we already know by observation about what it takes for people to be happy, successful, and… and… and… And doesn’t this in turn reinforce the gaps between what we know and apply in practice?

In my own work, I continue to enjoy assessing candidates for senior leadership roles, not least because the candidates for such roles are often able and inspiring. These competency-based assessments are focussed on the emotional intelligence of those I assess. My work as a coach is also focused on supporting senior leaders as they develop their leadership and emotional intelligence. You could say, as they explore how to be both authentic and effective in the workplace. And yet, somehow, whilst we understand the importance of emotional intelligence in the workplace, it seems that we still do our best to contain the implications of our understanding.

Working with Gina and her colleagues during the day serves to remind me just how much we can do to develop our emotional intelligence as individuals and teams and yet it’s rare to have the opportunity to work with teams in the depth I am able to work with individual clients. I wonder, are we ready to grapple with the full implications of what we know?

And I notice how much I relish this prospect. I am open for business. And delighted to be open for the business of emotional intelligence.

Emotional freedom – stepping gingerly towards a new approach

Alternative approaches, Coaching, Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, Your personal and professional well-being, , , ,

My professional training as a coach, as well as giving me an excellent underpin for my work with my Executive Coaching clients, opened up a whole new world for me in terms of alternative approaches. It’s as if all paths are leading to some emotional and cognitive Rome – from Emotional Intelligence in the field of leadership development, through Neuro-Linguistic Programming in the field of personal and professional effectiveness to… the list is endless.

My friend Alex has been studying something called Emotional Freedom Technique (or EFT) and recently offered me a session. His text reached me whilst I was in Dubai and I have taken a few days to engage with this possibility. This evening I google EFT and find Gary Craig’s website (http://www.emofree.com/) with its introductory video (http://www.emofree.com/splash/video_popup.asp). I have said yes to a session with Alex and I am thinking about what to bring to the session to work on.

I am struck by the range of issues mentioned in the video including a number of health issues – both common and uncommon. In common with many other “alternative” approaches, the video makes a link between our emotional and our physical health. The idea that our emotional landscape plays a role in our physical health can sit uncomfortably with some, even whilst offering great hope to others.

I am also curious about a particular moment in the video when the speaker talks about the effect of using EFT on the blood. Having recently had my blood tested to check the results that are accruing from making changes in my diet, I recognise the differences between healthy and unhealthy blood.

I drop Alex a line with some possible dates to meet. I am curious. And I am definitely up for experiencing this new approach.

Following your bliss

Emotional Intelligence

There are times in our lives when we are called to step forward to embrace something new. Perhaps “new” is the promotion we didn’t think we were capable of taking on and which still seems to be calling us. Perhaps “new” is the approach or behaviour that we know is needed if we are to be successful yet which stimulates fear or “just doesn’t feel like me”. Perhaps “new” is to recognise the relationship that isn’t working or the time to move on.

Amongst the most challenging callings is the call to recognise the need not just for a minor tweak in our lives but for a major re-examination. Such times have included the moment of recognising that all the actions you have taken have done nothing to make your unhappy marriage a place of mutual understanding or the moment of recognising that no amount of success in your current career has stilled the voice that is calling you to something different and, as yet, unknown. Sometimes the calling is to recognise that it’s time to stop thinking that it is a change in your outer circumstances (new job, new partner, new body parts…) that will make the difference that you yearn for and to start addressing what you bring that creates a repeated pattern of unhappiness.

The moment of recognition can bring fear and excitement in equal measure: fear to that part of us which yearns for stability, safety, security; excitement to that part of us which yearns to embrace and express our full potential, that part of us which knows what it means to be alive. Of course, it’s easy to dismiss one part or the other, to be guided by the fear or by the excitement alone. In truth, both parts have a role – a part – to play.

I think of this this today as I reflect on the day’s coaching appointments and the challenges my clients are currently facing. And I smile as I recall the phrase that Joseph Campbell uses in his powerful book The Power of Myth. In this book he describes the process of responding to your inner calling and the quality of living that can follow when you are guided by your inner voice, calling on a wide range of mythological stories to illustrate his point of view.

For Campbell, to respond to your inner calling is to follow your bliss, a phrase which needs no further explanation.

When feedback provides motivation for the journey

Alternative approaches, Emotional Intelligence, Your personal and professional well-being, , , ,

I am both a new hand and a longtime journeywoman on the road to alkalarianism. On 25th March of this year I had my first consultation with Kate A’Vard* who is providing support as I gradually adopt a new way of eating. The journey that led to this first consultation has included many choices and a great deal of research and exploration over a number of years.

On the long journey of life it’s easy to focus so much on the width of the gap between where you are and where you want to be that the gap itself seems insurmountable. So, as I approach my second consultation with Kate, I wonder what changes will show up in my blood tests. I am realistic – my diet is currently a mix of new habits and old and I’ve just returned from Japan where vegetables don’t seem to feature much on any menu. Still, I know I will feel disappointed if the changes I have made so far are not reflected in the health of my blood.

Kate begins by asking me how I’m getting on and what changes I’ve noticed. In recent months I have lost some of the extra weight I am carrying, my skin is baby soft and I am increasingly aware that my skin improves greatly when I don’t eat dairy products. Even as I think of this I feel a sense of encouragement. Returning from Japan my clothes tell me have put on a pound or two and yet I feel confident that I know what to do to restore my diet and my weight. This knowledge alone gives me a great sense of power and optimism.

Blood tests don’t lie, so I’m eager to see the results and just a little anxious. What if they’re just the same? Kate is able to show me a highly magnified version of my live blood cells and to compare them with photos from our first session. (How cool is that!) She highlights the improvements she observes and identifies my key area of focus for the months ahead. As she talks I can see for myself how perky my blood cells are. I feel a surge of excitement and I know that this alone is providing motivation for my forward journey. I feel ready to punch the air as I leave.

Rushing from my appointment with Kate to a rehearsal I celebrate with a rushed meal that is definitely “off target”. I can afford to treat myself from time to time. Still, fully aware of the benefits that are accruing over time, I am glad to resume my diet today and to celebrate my progress with renewed vigour and commitment.

*Take a look at Kate’s website if you’re interested to know more. You’ll find a link to the left of this posting.

Coming home

Emotional Intelligence,

There are times in our lives when those things that are calling for our attention give us a nudge.

In 2006, during the months after the death of my father, my energy dropped for a while so that I chose to say no to some things to which I would normally say yes. This was a time when I learnt which relationships supported and nurtured me and which relationships asked more of me than they gave to me. This was a time when I learnt which people looked to me for help and support at a time when I couldn’t give it – and couldn’t take no for an answer.

Returning from holiday and in the midst of jetlag something similar seems to arise. Six months after my cleaner moved away from London I already had a creeping awareness that it’s time to find someone to replace her. Coming back into the house on my return from holiday this gentle awareness is replaced by a sinking of the heart as I see how neglected my home seems. And finally, in the midst of pouring rain, I call Paul the roofer to make an appointment for him to take a look at my roof.

Working with clients in coaching, as I do, I am aware that the issues that greet us in these moments can vary hugely. They include all the gently nagging questions in our lives. Am I in the right job? Should I stay in my marriage and make it work or leave and face the consequences? Will I ever get the promotion I am seeking without the support and sponsorship of my boss? There are of course many ways to avoid these and other questions, from the circular inner dialogue that keeps us just where we are, through the arguments with our loved ones that keep our eye away from the key issues, right through to the glass of wine that dulls the senses.

So, in these moments of coming home, we have the choice – whether or not to come home. In these moments we decide whether or not to come home to ourselves and to be present to what’s truly alive in us and asking for our attention.

Emotionally intelligent leadership: it’s all very well in theory…

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

On Mondays I am almost invariably in my office with a schedule of coaching calls and other meetings. Today is no exception.

I start the day with a call with my colleague Sandra Morson, with whom I am planning a book. We both work one to one with men and women in leadership roles, helping them to develop the capabilities which, together, are increasingly labelled “emotional intelligence” or “leadership competencies”. Although there is plenty of published research about what makes for a successful leader, it isn’t so easy to know how to develop as an emotionally intelligent leader.

Collaborating in writing a book is a way of sharing our experiences with a wider audience than we can possibly reach one to one. Having mapped out the structure and content of the book we are starting to make contact with potential publishers. This morning we start planning a proposal which we aim to submit to a publisher with whom we are already in contact.

As I put the phone down at the end of our call I notice the excitement I feel about this project. I think of the men and women who will find this book an invaluable resource as they prepare for leadership or as they address the challenges that face them in their current leadership role. And I think of the joy I experience: in collaborating with Sandra, in writing, in finding out how to make something happen that I have never done before – as well as in reaching and supporting this much wider audience.