Category Archives: Emotional Intelligence

The Immune Power Personality

Emotional Intelligence,

I wrote my recent newsletter whilst I was reading Henry Dreher’s book The Immune Power Personality: Seven Traits You Can Develop to Stay Healthy.

First published in 1995, Dreher draws on cutting edge science in the emerging field of psychoneuroimmunology or PNI. PNI is the study of the interaction between psychological processes and the nervous and immune systems of the human body, also referred to as “mind-body science”.

As the book’s title suggests, Dreher outlines seven traits which have been proven by scientists to boost the body’s immune system. These are strengths which help people to cope with hard times. They are also traits which have an impact on individuals’ physical well-being and immunity.

Dreher addresses each trait in turn, identifying the scientist who has studied this trait, summarising his or her research, making links with other scientific research or wider (for example, religious) traditions and offering suggestions on how to develop the characteristics identified. Dreher is meticulous and highly effective in translating deep science into a highly readable and practical book.

One experiment described in the book intrigued me more than any other and has resonance in our times. In it, scientist James Pennebaker divided sixty laid-off workers into three groups and had one group write, for five days, about their deepest thoughts and feelings about the loss of their job. Another group kept a time management record and the third wrote about trivia. After four months Pennebaker called off the experiment. 35% of those people who wrote about their feelings had found jobs compared with none of the members of the time management group and 5% of the group who had written about trivia. This experiment was part of a wider body of research which suggests that the capacity to confide supports strong immunity.

overall, The Immune Power Personality is a valuable and thought-provoking resource for anyone who wants both to understand why certain traits provide immunity during hard times and to further develop those traits.

Starting from where you are

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In my recent newsletter I wrote about the characteristics that support us in thriving in hard times.

As I write, I think of the old joke – often attributed to the Irish – about the man on the road who stopped to ask for directions only to be told, “if that’s where you want to get to, I wouldn’t start from here!” For some of my readers, the traits I have identified may seem a long way away from their starting point. And yet, we can only start from where we are. I wrote:

If you, as reader of this article, are recognising aspects of yourself in Carl, you have a great deal to celebrate. You are already showing some of the behaviours and characteristics that are leading Carl, and others like him, to thrive. Perhaps the recession is centre stage for you – and you are confident you know how to thrive no matter what. Perhaps the economic downturn is far from being central to your current interests. Either way, you feel grounded and confident.

Maybe, though, you are not thriving at present. It may well be that you are reading this article and noticing the gaps – the fault-lines – in your current response to the recession and everything that it is bringing to you. Maybe you are using this as a world class opportunity to beat yourself up! Or maybe you are wishing things were different right now.

Either way, I offer one of the primary characteristics of those who know how to thrive, no matter what: acceptance. This is not to say that the Carls of this world are complacent and do nothing. Rather, they accept both their outer circumstances and their inner response as their starting point. For if we are to begin a journey – any journey – where can we hope to start from, if not from where we are?

As I prepare this blog posting, I wonder what can we do to cultivate acceptance. My own experience points to one habit above all others that we can cultivate: the habit of being curious about the intentions that lie behind our own and others’ behaviours. This is a habit that is offered by practitioners of neurolinguistic programming (NLP), nonviolent communication (NVC) and no doubt other schools of thinking, both secular and religious.

To be curious about our positive intentions is to ask “what am I wanting?” We do not stop at feeling angry or frustrated or happy or sad. Rather, we ask this simple question again and again until we get down to the root of our desires. Often, we know we have reached the foundations of our desires for two reasons. The first is that we are no longer thinking in terms of a specific action (“I want John to do X”) or object (“I want a new car right away”). Rather, we are thinking about the underlying need that would be met by such an action or object (“I want to be accepted” or “I want to make my own choices”, for example). Reaching this depth of understanding leads us to the second sign that we have reached the foundations of our desires. For when we do, we often let go of our feelings of frustration, anger etc. and feel a deep sense of peace – acceptance. In NLP, this is decribed as a change of state. In NVC, practitioners sometimes talk about the living energy of needs.

NLP also recognises that different parts of us may appear, on the surface, to want different – even contradictory – things. So, the NLP Practitioner is interested in the dialogue we have with different parts of ourselves and in understanding the underlying intentions of each part. In NLP and NVC enquiring in this way can save us from the paradox that comes when we judge ourselves for judging others. This is a bit like the adult who slaps a child and says: “Don’t hit your brother!” Understanding our positive intentions – all our positive intentions – allows us to find a place of acceptance and to begin to explore effective strategies to meet our needs.

And what about being curious about the positive intentions of others, especially when we feel angry or frustrated by the impact their behaviours have on us? NLP teaches us that every behaviour has a positive intention. Even to understand this is to begin to accept – we may not know what the intention is behind a thought or action and still, we know there is one. NVC invites us to go further and to enquire, recognising that the person with whom we are in contact may not fully understand their own desires. We might say, “Jane, are you feeling frustrated because you’re wanting some appreciation for your actions?” It doesn’t matter that we’re right or wrong as long as we are making a sincere attempt to understand. Of course, we may not always be in dialogue with people or organisations whose behaviours we are struggling to accept. At times, whether up close or at a distance, it helps simply to remember that we can’t change others’ behaviour – we can only change our own.

As I write I am searching for the words to do justice to the role that coaching plays in helping people to understand their own intentions so that they can find ways of meeting needs of which, previously, they were only dimly aware. What a privilege to be able to support clients in this way – and to be a witness to the results!

Taking time off

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

In my recent newsletter article about thriving in hard times, I suggested that it’s good to take time off. I also highlighted how different types of time off come with different outcomes. I wrote:

Lesley’s response to her fear of redundancy has been to work longer hours. Over time, the return on this investment has been poor. Although Lesley is working longer hours she is increasingly exhausted so that her productivity during the hours she is working has gone down rather than up. At the same time, she is now so close to her work that she is increasingly losing perspective. This lack of perspective is adversely affecting her performance at work. What’s more, increasingly, she sees keeping her current job as the one and only way of meeting her needs and this in turn increases her sense of stress.

John has taken a different approach. Taking time out with friends has provided a distraction from his concerns. Smoking and drinking has also been providing a welcome break. However, this approach has had its downsides. As well as increasing risks to his health, John’s approach has led to tension at home where his wife, also worried about the possible impact of the economy, sees John’s approach as irresponsible and has started to criticise him.

Carl’s approach reflects his confidence that he is doing what he can to make progress towards his goals. During the time he works, he focuses on making progress in the areas in which he has set himself targets. Away from work, he gives his full attention to activities which are also meeting his needs. Carl is clear, for example, that he wants to create – together with his wife – a relationship that enriches them both. He also wants to maintain health and physical fitness. Far from being a distraction from work, his other-than-work activities also contribute to his well-being in other areas of his life.

Where do you start if you are tied up in work and don’t know how to take time off? Here are a few clues:

  • Step 1: Notice where you’re starting from. Perhaps you’re working hard and you don’t believe it’s possible to take time off and survive. In this case, you might want to go straight to Step 2 below. Perhaps you are taking time off and at the same time you notice how you don’t feel any better for it. In this case you might want to skip to Step 3. At this stage, you may like to check for any signs that you are taking actions to block out your emotions – to take the edge off your fear of failing at this critical time, for example, or of losing your job. If this is true for you, you might like to ask yourself “do I want to live my life this way?” If the answer is no, it may be timely for you to reach out for help;
  • Step 2: Replace “I don’t have time” with “I have all the time I need”. The belief that you don’t have time to take time off is just that – a belief. At some level, it’s a belief that you’re choosing. If you want to explore the theme of choosing you might like to read Choosing to Choose (http://dorothynesbit.blogspot.com/2009/05/choosing-to-choose.html) or Choosing Beliefs that Empower (http://dorothynesbit.blogspot.com/2009/06/choosing-beliefs-that-empower.html), also in this series of articles. Or you might like to try on two contrasting beliefs, for example “I don’t have time” and “I have all the time I need”. Take time with each belief, noticing how you feel when you try on each belief. Which one is the most empowering? Once you choose the belief “I have all the time I need” the question becomes not “Have I got time…?” but “How do I make time..?”
  • Step 3: Notice what you want from your spare time. What do you want your spare time to do for you? Carl was clear about what he wanted from his spare time? Are you? The more you get clear about what you want from your spare time the more you can plan activities that are likely to give you what you want. Carl’s aims, for example, require ongoing and sustained investment to come good. Sometimes, though, it’s enough to notice that you need to take a break to refresh your thinking in the workplace or that you’re hungry and need “brain food”;
  • Step 4: Plan an action or course of action that meets your needs. Once you know what needs you want to meeet, you can identify and take the action or actions to meet your needs. It’s possible that at this stage you may identify multiple courses of action to meet different needs and you may even feel overwhelmed as you try to fit everything in. So it may help to approach this stage as a time of experimentation;
  • Step 5: Check: is it working? Meeting your needs requires a constant awareness of how well your chosen actions are working – both in meeting individual needs and in supporting you in meeting all your needs. Planning a lengthy round of golf each week may meet your need for regular exercise, for example, but how does it contribute to your need to sustain a healthy and loving relationship with your partner? Make a point of checking how effective your plans are in meeting the needs you have identified and make adjustments.

Adjusting and adapting

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In my recent newsletter I wrote about what it takes to thrive in hard times and today’s posting touches on the essential quality (which we can all develop and increase) of flexibility:

One of the most significant differences between those who are thriving in the current economic downturn and those who are not lies in their willingness to adapt. Carl is clear about his goals and, at the same time, highly flexible in the means by which he achieves them. Because he is so clear about what outcomes he wants to achieve, he is constantly adapting his approach to secure progress in each new circumstance.

For Carl, and others like him, the aim is to keep trying new things until he succeeds. He is happy to see what does and doesn’t work. In this way, there is no such thing as failure. When something doesn’t move him towards his goals he knows, simply, that it’s time to adjust his approach.

Carl’s commitment to his goals, coupled with his belief that he will find ways to reach them and his willingness to adjust, combine to create a sense of lightness and play. After all, if success is only a matter of time and if there are many ways to achieve success, why would he feel gloomy?

Today, rather than offer a step-by-step process to support you in increasing your adaptability, I offer a mixed offering of things you might like to consider along the way:

  • Know the difference between the means and the end: Many people confuse the end goal or underlying need with the means by which they hope to secure the end goal. The buyer of a high-status car may be unaware of how his or her purchase meets a need for self esteem for example. Or the man or woman who wants to have an intimate relationship may get stuck when things go wrong in relationship with his or her “one and only”. Unearthing your underlying need means going beyond any strategy that is specific to time, place or person. If you want to understand your end goal ask yourself “what would that do for me?” when you think you want something – and keep asking;
  • Take one step at a time: You may want to have the whole route planned out ahead of time. At the same time, some of life’s highest achievers start out with a goal and then take just one step at a time. They focus on the end goal, notice where they are starting from and ask themselves: “what’s the next step?” This is far easier than focussing on the big gap between the goal and the starting place and lifts the spirit considerably;
  • Select beliefs that support you: Perhaps the most helpful belief, one of the presuppositions of neuro-linguistic programming (or NLP) is “there’s no failure, only feedback”. When we adopt this belief, we often find it easier to experiment and to try things out, knowing that whatever the outcome, we’ve made a step forward. If our action doesn’t work, we know more about how (or how not) to make progress. Another helpful belief is “you can’t change the others, you can only change yourself”. This can help you to avoid the inflexibility that comes from looking to others to make changes they are unlikely to make. Paying attention to your beliefs can help you select presuppositions that support a flexible approach;
  • Take a break: It can be easy to get stuck in a single track of thinking, especially when the going is hard. This can lead to frustration – the belief, for example, that the only way to achieve a goal relies on something or someone who’s not co-operating. Taking a break – a walk, for example, or a conversation with someone about something quite different – can loosen up single track thinking and open up new possibilities;
  • Ask for help: I wrote about asking for help in a recent posting as part of this series (see 29th May 2009). Adjusting and adapting relies on flexibility in the way you look at a problem so asking for help may include asking others to help you identify multiple ways of looking at a situation. Equally, it may be that someone can provide just the help you need to take your next step forward.

Staying connected

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Back from my recent visit to Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, I continue to offer thoughts about how to thrive in hard times. It’s hard to prioritise and still it seems to me that we are most likely to thrive when we develop the skill and habit of staying connected. In my recent newsletter I wrote:

Facing the very real possibility that he might lose his job, John felt low. He sought to lower the levels of anxiety he felt by ignoring his feelings. He drank and smoked more and this helped to mask his feelings. At the same time, he started to lose sleep and his general sense of well-being went down.

Over time, the kind of tactics John employed can take their toll. When we ignore the messages conveyed by our feelings and bodily symptoms we fail to connect with our needs and to find ways to meet them. What’s more, the messages continue to be conveyed, becoming louder and more insistent. In time, they may take the form of physical illnesses or psychological distress.

Carl, like many people who are able to thrive even in hard times, is highly attuned to his emotions, gut reactions and other bodily symptoms. He views them as a kind of inner guide and he takes time to tune in to the messages being conveyed. In this way, he is constantly asking himself “what do I really want?” and “where am I in and out of balance?” Responding to these messages is helping Carl to make progress towards the life he is seeking to create.

How do we go about connecting – and staying connected – with the messages supplied by our bodily responses and emotions? Here are some thoughts from me. Some of them echo comments I have already made in the series of postings that accompanies my most recent newsletter:

  • Step 1: Notice your feelings and bodily emotions at different times. You might do this by keeping a diary in which you take time to write about whatever is alive for you at the time of writing. You might do this by staying tuned to your inner responses at the time of an experience (such as a meeting or conversation). You might do this after the fact – as part of your post meeting debriefing, for example. To begin with, you may find it hard to make this connection. Step 2 is designed to help you if you do;
  • Step 2: If you are not experiencing bodily feelings or emotions, notice what you are doing instead. Perhaps you are experiencing your life through your thoughts – thinking about others and maybe criticising them, for example. Perhaps you are taking actions to mask your feelings and other sensations – from drinking and smoking to watching TV. You may be quite happy to mask your experience in these or other ways. Or you may want to give yourself permission to experience your life more fully. If you do, you may find it helpful to seek professional help (see suggestions in Step 5, below);
  • Step 3: Give equal weight to all your feelings. In coaching, I find that many clients sponsor some feelings and sensations whilst suppressing others. Over time, this can mean that they become aware – attuned and responsive – to some areas of their lives whilst blind to others. If you want to become and to stay fully connected, with all the benefits this can bring, let go of judgement and replace it with curiosity;
  • Step 4: Ask yourself what your body or emotions are telling you. What is an emotion or sensation telling you about your needs? You may find all your thoughts are about others at this stage (“he should be doing X” or “I wish she’d do Y”). In this case ask yourself, what would it do for me if s/he did what I’m wanting? This helps you to form connections between your feelings, your desires of other people and the needs that underpin them both;
  • Step 5: Make use of the many resources available to help you to become more attuned to your emotions and bodily sensations. You may want to observe others and to notice how attuned they are to their own emotions – and with what outcomes. You might like to start by reading Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life. This lays out, very simply, the role our emotions can play and the connection between thoughts, needs and emotions. You might like to contact me (at dorothy@learningforlifeconsulting.co.uk) to discuss how coaching can support you – and the variety of other sources available to you.

And if you have questions or want to know more, please leave your comments here on the blog – I shall be delighted to respond.

Choosing beliefs that empower

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The beliefs we choose can restrict or empower us and are often the subject of scrutiny in coaching. Our beliefs can contribute to – or undermine – our resilience in hard times. In my recent newsletter I wrote:

The resources that empower us include the beliefs we hold. Carl’s belief, for example, that he has what it takes to succeed no matter what raises his energy levels and encourages him to access the resources he needs to succeed.

This is different to Lesley. Holding the belief that losing her job is in some way a sign that there’s “something wrong” with her generates a sense of fear. This fear undermines her current performance as well as reducing her capacity to thrive in the event that her job is indeed made redundant.

On the surface, choosing beliefs that empower may make no difference in the near term. Currently, for example, Carl and Lesley are both at risk of losing their jobs. At the same time, their different beliefs are likely to lead to different responses even when their circumstances are the same. Over time, with different underlying beliefs, you can expect that Carl, Lesley, John and others will each create different lives.

But what if we want to examine our beliefs – perhaps to notice where they are holding us back or to adopt more helpful beliefs? Here are some ideas for you to play with:

  • It helps to notice what beliefs you already hold. This implies recognising that different people – including you – hold a variety of beliefs. So a great place to start is to get curious and playful in noticing your own and others’ beliefs. What are the beliefs – or presuppositions – tucked away behind the comments people make or the actions they take? My invitation here is not so much to change anything as to notice beliefs and the impact they have in your and others’ lives;
  • A great question to ask yourself as you examine your own beliefs is “what is the mother of all beliefs I hold?” Often, our beliefs boil down to one of two extremes – that there is abundance or scarcity in the world, for example, or that people are either loving and generous or mean and selfish. What is the mother of all beliefs for you?
  • You might want to pay particular attention to the beliefs held by people you in some way admire or whose lives you’d like to enjoy yourself. What beliefs do they hold and in what way do those beliefs play out in their intentions and actions? And with what outcomes in every area of their lives? Doing this can provide both a raised awareness of the role of beliefs and a library of beliefs that you might want to adopt for yourself;
  • Don’t be afraid to take a variety of beliefs and to try them on for size. You can do this ahead of time by simply sitting with them and seeing what impact they have on you as you imagine living your life according to a variety of different beliefs. It’s likely that you’ll be able to notice which beliefs empower you and which beliefs undermine you. This may lead you to make changes to your own beliefs;
  • It’s possible that you’ll try on a new belief and find it opens up a whole new range of possibilities – and still you’ll find you resist adopting it in practice. In this case, you might like to spend some time getting to understand your current beliefs more fully. What is your positive intention in holding the belief you’d like to let go of? What does it do for you? You may want to ask this question repeatedly until you get to the root of your reasons for holding a belief. Once you have this understanding you can ask yourself how you can fulfil your intentions in a different way.

Perhaps it’s worth adding that changes in behaviour often come from changes in belief. So if you find you are choosing behaviours you’d like to change and you don’t know how, it may be that you need to examine the beliefs that are driving your unwanted behaviours.

Accessing the resources you need

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In my recent newsletter I wrote:

Accessing the resources you need is not only about reaching out for help. Carl’s readiness to reach out for help is a reflection of his own inner resources, including his belief that he is fundamentally OK, no matter what he knows or has yet to learn. Our inner resources include our personality traits, states of mind and beliefs.

In coaching, coaches make a powerful contribution when they help the people with whom they work in coaching partnership to identify and to access the resources they need. This contribution depends on holding the belief that their clients have the resources they need to succeed – the belief that clients are creative, resourceful and whole.

With or without the help of a coach, Carl is able constantly to access the inner resources he needs to maintain equilibrium in challenging times, as well as to achieve happiness and success.

How do people access the resouces they need in hard times? My training in neuro-linguistic programming (or NLP) provides some simple steps we can take:

  • Step 1: Know what you want. Before you access your inner resources, you need to know what you want them to do for you. I wrote about ways to explore what you want in my posting on 27th May 2009;
  • Step 2: Identify – name – the inner resources you need to make progress towards your desired outcomes. These may be beliefs, states of mind, emotions… When you ask yourself what inner resources you need it’s likely that your other-than-conscious mind will have some answers – and some of them may surprise you!
  • Step 3: Try them on for size. It’s not enough to have an intellectual understanding that you need confidence and a belief in your capability. Trying these resources on for size gives you the full package – a powerful felt sense that you already have these resources. Trying them on for size is like building a muscle: the more you do this, the more you have these resources at your immediate disposal;
  • Step 4: Notice any resistance or incongruity. Sometimes, there will be reasons why you resist accessing a resource. Perhaps you have a belief that you need to work hard to get what you want, for example, which stands in the way of accessing a sense of ease. This may be something you need to explore – to work with with your coach, for example, before you can truly access the resources you have identified.

And as I write I notice how hurried I am knowing I am due to go away on Friday. It’s time to notice what resources I need to feel confident I have all the time I need to get things done before I go away…

When you’re needing fuel for the journey

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In recent days I’ve been creating postings on the blog as a support to the main article of my newsletter which I sent out on Friday. I’ve written about half the postings I plan to write in this series. Today though, I’m taking a diversion – one that I dedicate to one of – all of – my coaching clients with gratitude for our work together.

On 6th May 2009, I started one of my postings by saying that the power of coaching lies in its invitation to become increasingly conscious of the dreams we hold for our life and to take steps towards the fulfilment of those dreams. Some clients come to coaching brimming with energy and excitement, ready to enlist the support of their coach to help them to fulfil their dreams. These are the clients who are already looking back on a history of making dreams come true and who have taken bold steps along the way to make things happen. They already know that they have everything they need to succeed in life and they use coaching to accelerate their progress. It’s easy to recognise them as “high performers”.

Some clients do not yet know they are “high performers” when they come to coaching. Sometimes this is because they have all sorts of successes behind them that they don’t yet recognise. Sometimes this is because their success lies in honing to perfection strategies for achieving their goals or ways of being in this world that habitually fail to deliver intended outcomes. Either way, they can feel a great sense of despair when they start to work with a coach – overwhelmed by the distance between where they are now and where they want to be, despondent in the belief that they can’t possibly make the changes they need to in order to reach their goals or that they lack the resources they need to make those changes. It’s as if it’s taken them so long to decide to seek the help they need that a miracle is well and truly overdue. When it doesn’t happen straight away their despair increases – at least for a while.

There is a simple change of perspective – a decision to look at our experience in a slightly different way – that can provide fuel for the journey when it’s most needed. In the field of neurolinguistic programming this links to adopting an “outcome focus”. In the field of nonviolent communication, practitioners often refer to adopting the practice of gratitude. To link it to my recent newsletter, I would add that adopting this practice makes for an increase in one’s resilience – no matter what life throws in your direction. To adopt this practice also increases one’s sense of joy and fulfilment.

What does the practice of gratitude comprise? Here are a few pointers:

  • Step 1, setting an intention: If we plan to notice those things that are working in our lives, it’s more likely than not that we will. So start by setting your intention and notice what comes up. If you experience any inner resistance you may want to explore this on your own or with your coach. Otherwise move to Step 2;
  • Step 2, making time and a place: It’s not that you need to make extra time available and add to your already over-burdened schedule. It’s just that when you’re clear about when and how you’re going to practice gratitude you’re more likely to do it. Perhaps you will create a special notebook in which you write every day at a time of your choosing. Perhaps you will use your walk with the dog or your journey home from work as a time of reflection. Perhaps you’ll make a weekly appointment with a trusted friend or colleague. Choose whatever ways work for you and be ready to adapt them in the light of your experiences along the way;
  • Step 3, notice what’s working for you: Marshall Rosenberg offers a specific way to notice what’s working for you. A first step is to notice something that you have done or that someone else has done that meets your needs. In itself, this may be a step forward, requiring you to shine a light on aspects of your life which otherwise go unnoticed. The second step is to notice the feelings you have when you notice these actions. I invite you to bathe in the feelings that come up when you notice something that’s working for you – however large or small! The third step is to notice what needs have been met by your own or someone else’s action.

There are many more things you can do – additional steps if you like – to leverage the power of gratitude. One is to express your gratitude to the person or people for whose actions you feel grateful. Another is to make a similar process part of your regular meetings with staff. I could give many examples. If, though, your aim is to feel more optimistic about the journey you are making, and to build your levels of trust and belief that you can make that journey, I recommend you focus on Steps 1 to 3 above.

And whatever you experience as a result of adopting this practice I wish you more power for your journey.

Knowing what you want

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I can’t write about traits that underpin resilience without writing about knowing what you want. Ian McDermott, in the field of neurolinguistic programming (or NLP) defines outcome orientation as one of the four pillars of success. Marshall Rosenberg, originator of nonviolent communication, highlights how often, when working as a clinical psychologist and treating people who suffered from depression, he would find that they were at a loss to know what they really wanted – and how to make it happen. In my own work with senior leaders in a wide range of settings, research has demonstrated how the most effective leaders set and work towards challenging goals for themselves and others.

In my newsletter, I write:

One aspect of developing an internal locus of control is knowing what you want. In hard times, it’s easy to be clear about what you want to avoid. For John, for example, avoiding redundancy is about protecting his mortgage payments whilst for Lesley, keeping her job is about avoiding the loss of face she fears will come with redundancy. Carl has taken a different view. Rather than seeking to avoid certain outcomes he actively focuses on those outcomes he wants to achieve: his primary objective at work is to provide for his family and to have fun whilst doing so.

Carl’s view of what he wants provides a sense of excitement and momentum. In coaching, helping clients to clarify what they want is amongst the primary tasks of coaching: getting clear on what you want produces a positive energy and can provide the basis for action.

Some people might view this as paradoxical: after all, isn’t it precisely those times when we don’t get what we want that we find hard? At the same time, it’s often true that those people – including people in leadership roles – who have a clear vision of the outcomes they want to achieve are precisely the people who show the most resilience in hard times.

What are your options if you want to get clear on what you want? As a coach, I have found that clients value a whole variety of ways to identify what they want. I’ll be writing about some of them under the heading Staying Connected. Meantime, here are some of the methods my clients use to generate an over-arching vision of their “ten out of ten” life, career, business or other outcome:

  • Whether you are thinking about your work or the whole of your life, it helps to find ways to daydream about your “ten out of ten” life. There are many of these and I invite you to choose ways that work for you. If you enjoy pictures, it can help to set up a “dream board” and to look out for pictures that in some way represent something that is important to you as part of your “ten out of ten” life. Equally, you might like to use a scrapbook or notebook for this purpose;
  • Some clients favour writing as a way to generate ideas. It may not surprise readers that this is one of my preferred approaches. Every now and again, I take time to daydream in writing. For me, this is the process of writing about what I want, whether my focus is on my business aspirations, my life as a whole or some particular aspect of what I’m wanting;
  • In the workplace, some approaches are favoured more than others to generate ideas. Brainstorming is one way of sharing possibilities and can be used with teams. Alternatively, having people write their ideas on post it notes before sharing them and grouping them by themes and discussing them can make it easy for every member of a team to contribute ideas.

I want to highlight two principles that my clients find invaluable, no matter what method they are using to identify what they want. The first is to suspend any questions about how you might get what you want. This allows you to range freelly, trusting that you will find ways to make your dreams come true at a later stage. The second is to “try it on for size”. This is the process of imagining what you want as if you already have it, an approach beloved of Olympic sportsmen and women. This helps you to check out ahead of time whether you really do want what you imagine you want: if you don’t, you’ll feel it somewhere in the body. In addition, by imagining you already have it, you start to rehearse what it might take to get it.

I invite you to share your response to this posting. Do you have ways of getting in touch with what you want that you’re willing to share here? Which of the ideas above have you tried out and with what outcomes?

Choosing to choose

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, , ,

Writing my newsletter, I include choosing to choose as one aspect of demonstrating resilience in hard times:

Choosing the way we view the current recession is just one aspect of choosing to choose. Whilst some people look outside of themselves for change – looking to other people to make changes or for a change in circumstances – others focus on the choices they can make themselves.

Psychologist Julian B. Rotter coined the now familiar term internal locus of control to describe the way some people make choices. He noticed that those people who have an internal locus of control believe that events result primarily from their own actions and behaviour. They tend to develop a better mastery of their own behaviour and to assume their efforts will be successful. Rotter also noted that people with a high internal locus of control are more likely than others to seek information and knowledge about their situation and to engage in political behaviour.

In the world of coaching, choosing to choose has become known as being at choice or even being at cause. Over time, the habit of choosing to choose is like building a muscle. Whilst some people are unaware of the extent to which their life is determined by their own choices, Carl knows that life is the sum of all his choices: the more he builds the muscle of choosing to choose, the more he becomes “match fit” and ready to thrive no matter what.

What if you want to test the extent to which you are choosing to choose? What if you want to build your choosing to choose muscle? I offer the following exercise, which I have adapted from an exercise Marshall Rosenberg shares in his CD set Nonviolent Communication: Create Your Life, Your Relationships and Your World in Harmony With Your Values. It has four simple steps:

  • Step 1: Write a list of all the things you do because you believe you have to. Keep writing for as long as it takes to identify everything you do from a sense of obligation or duty;
  • Step 2: Replace the language “I have to” with “I choose to” at the beginning of every sentence. To do this may stimulate some discomfort in you! At the same time, if you want to choose to choose, this step will help you to recognise that you are already choosing;
  • Step 3: Take time to review this list, asking yourself what needs of yours you are meeting by choosing to do those things that are on your list. You can expect different actions to meet different needs. At the same time, you may find patterns that are worth noticing;
  • Step 4: For each action on your list, make a new choice that fully meets your needs. In some cases, this may be a case of choosing the same action from a renewed sense of your reason for doing it. In these cases, you can expect to feel better about taking your chosen action because you understand how it meets your needs. In some cases, you may decide not to do something you were doing because it doesn’t meet your needs. In this case you can feel better about making a choice that works for you – though you may have to accept that other people may not enjoy your choices.

Owning our choices presents all sorts of challenges. Sometimes, it’s easier to assign responsibility for our actions to another person, to “duty” or to some impersonal force rather than to own them as our own. Equally, you can be sure that choosing not to do some of the things you currently do because you “have to” will have profound implications for you.

What did you learn from doing this exercise? I’d love to see some examples of your new choices here on the blog. If you’d like to contribute, please post your comments here where other readers can benefit from them.