Category Archives: Coaching

Would I recommend Dorothy? Absolutely

Clients and testimonials, Coaching, , , ,

Coaches are regularly invited to coach their clients in areas in which they have no expertise. This can serve to highlight the differences between coaching and other interventions, such as training. For whereas training offers input based on the expertise of the trainer, in coaching the expertise of the coach lies in asking questions, in making observations and in making other interventions which help the client to find his or her own answers.

This was true in a session last month with John Dellarmi who recently started his own business after many years working inside a corporation and wanted to attract new clients to his new business. I am not a marketing expert and wouldn’t dream of positioning myself as such, though I do have my own insights based on my experience of setting up Learning for Life (Consulting). So, it was not my intention to share my own ideas. Rather, my aim was to be curious – to work with John as his coach.

So, when it came to preparing invitations for two new coaching groups which both have an interest in marketing (the New Coaches group and the NVC Marketing Group) John seemed to be a good person to turn to for a testimonial. What did he have to say?

I’d been prevaricating over a number of things and was getting down in the dumps about it. Dorothy was able to constructively get me to question some of my beliefs which were (unbeknown to me) getting in the way of a number of marketing steps that I needed to take. With Dorothy’s questions and coaching I was able to realise that success can be measured in a number of different ways and can be different shades of grey. Feeling energised by our coaching conversation, the next day I put together my own blog, celebrated my success and felt good about what I was trying to do. I would still be prevaricating today (two weeks later) if it wasn’t for Dorothy and really do make sure that I celebrate all my successes, big or small. The $64 million dollar question: would I recommend Dorothy? Absolutely

John Dellarmi
Independent trainer and coach

A unique level of insight and empathy

Clients and testimonials, Coaching, , ,

July is turning into a month of celebration for me as I receive the steady flow of responses to my requests for testimonials to use in the marketing materials I am preparing for the coaching groups I am currently planning.

I had not realised ahead of time what a joyful process this would be for me. I am experiencing it as a celebration of so much that matters to me: my own work and everything that I bring to that work, my colleagues and their willingness – eagerness – to sponsor me, my clients and their commitment to their own learning and growth, the privilege of working as a coach…

Today I’m taking a moment to post a testimonial from Derrick Murray. I first met Derrick when I interviewed him for a job. Executive Assessment is something I also offer and enjoy – what a privilege to have such deep insights into the skills and competencies of another! Derrick got the job, with my longstanding client Munich Re, and I have enjoyed watching him flourish and progress.

Derrick’s feedback?

Although my first experience of working with Dorothy was not coaching related, it was later as an executive coach that her skills and values shone through. She has (in my experience) a unique level of insight and empathy which allows her to interact in a most effective way. Like all good coaching, it’s not always comfortable, but it is always immensely valuable and pragmatically useful from the moment the session ends.

Derrick Murray
Director of Operations Munich Re
UK Life Branch

Thank you, Derrick.

Holding a space (even in cyberspace)

Clients and testimonials, Coaching, , , ,

I start the day with such gratitude for the feedback my colleagues are sharing with me in support of my marketing materials for the series of coaching groups I am beginning to plan. One testimonial came from Hilary Cooke, my fellow contributor on the Training Journal Daily Digest. Only last week I reproduced one of Hilary’s postings on my blog.

I feel so blessed in Hilary’s feedback, so generously given. Sharing it here, with Hilary’s generous permission, I take time to savour it and to let it permeate – sink in:

Hi Dorothy – will be a pleasure – here you go…

There is no doubt that networks are fundamental to good business and can also contribute a great deal to learning. I have to confess that I have a personal interest in studying communities of practice, as the body of evidence is growing that high quality collaboration is becoming increasingly relevant.

The issue with any network for me is that it depends on the quality and integrity of the people included in the network – Why are they there? What do they want? What do they contribute? Do I trust them? Do I trust myself? What are my motives? and in the end, summarised by – Is this network nurturing me and being nurtured by me in appropriate quantity? Am I both giving and receiving in a balanced ecology?

As a self-employed consultant, I’ve joined and left many virtual and real networks over the years. One that I have stayed constant with is TJ Discussion Forum, (formerly known as UKHRD). I can’t trace how long this has been part of my mostly daily routine, but my hunch is eight years or so? (is it – I don’t know but I think so).

As a virtual community and internet forum, I find it constantly fascinating how we reveal ourselves by our written responses to each other. I also find it a welcome break to be able to communicate in a considered fashion, being able to take time to let things land and settle and process the response I wish to make. I find that this encourages my reflective practice and then the sharing adds another dimension to my learning by the responses I create.

One of my favourite co-contributors is you Dorothy. I think that if we met, we would become firm friends and stalwart colleagues. So, what do I value about you…?

I find your postings and way of conducting yourself to be extremely gently mannered, generous and gracious – you pay attention to the little things like thanking people and acknowledging them which I value. You are impeccable with your words and insightful in what you pick up from others.

I also experience you working to really hear people – you hold a space, (even in cyberspace), for others to do their own realising, without shunting solutions at them (which some others are inclined to do). Your style comes from your mastery of the incisive question, which in turn comes from an ability to listen properly. I know that the ability to do this is connected to allowing space for ourselves, which is the result of a high level of self awareness and work on ourselves. It’s the ultimate ability to recognise that less is more. I like that about you because it resonates with my own practice aspirations. I have a hunch that this is your coaching style too.

You clearly have a good development pedigree and sound body of knowledge with the Hay Group, ITS and NVC, that I know about from your sharings, but it’s more about how you use your knowledge to integrate these into your practice extremely elegantly. You manage the combination of intellect and feelings in a fine balance I think. You are a good example for NVC and in walking the talk about your beliefs and values in supporting people without sucking their power by over-helping.

You are also clearly cultured and share this without being a snob or making other people feel “less than” – which is also elegant in my book. I have a strong sense of being “equal” with you and that I could push and pull and that you would flex with me. I would actually trust you to coach me personally, and I can count on a very few fingers that people that I would say that about – and that is partly about skill, but more about shared values and the ability and strength to manage our own truths.

These are my experiences of you and it is a pleasure to share them with you. I am so glad that you asked – asking for what we want is a strength in itself.

My gift to you – use this to do whatever will benefit you from doing so with my full permission.

Hilary Cooke

Thank you, Hilary.

An authentic, experienced and elegant coach

Clients and testimonials, Coaching, , ,

Yesterday I started the process of gathering testimonials as part of preparing invitations to join me as participants in the coaching groups I am preparing for the Autumn. I am learning to love the process of gathering feedback – a way to learn how trusted colleagues and clients see me and to understand what they value in my work.

First back – by return – was a quote from Allison Mitchell. Since we first met, in 2002, Allison and I have been participants together in trainings and have referred clients to each other. Allison is a Key Note Speaker and author of three books including Time Management for Manic Mums and (as co-author) Making It: Women Entrepreneurs Reveal their Secrets of Success.

Her testimonial? This is for the New Coaches Coaching Group:

I’d thoroughly recommend Dorothy as an authentic, experienced and elegant coach. My experience of being part of any initiative she has organised has been highly positive. I’m sure this coaching group will be a great opportunity and catalyst for new coaches.

Allison Mitchell
Coach and author
Making It: Women Entrepreneurs Reveal Their Secrets of Success

For the first time: planning to offer coaching groups

Coaching,

Coaching Groups. This is what is on my mind at the moment. I am preparing to bring together my experience as a coach with my experience of working with groups in order to offer a series of coaching groups.

I am full of excitement about this, even as I juggle my preparatory work for the groups with my current work-load. I am especially excited to offer groups in areas that really thrill me. I’ll be offering my corporate clients the opportunity to create groups of leaders, for example, who want to develop greater leadership effectiveness or to develop their skills in coaching those they lead.

I’m also offering groups in other areas of great interest. Right now I’m poised to send out an invitation to new coaches to join a New Coaches Group. This group will work with coaches who are setting up their coaching practice and want tailored support at a cost they can afford. In the field of nonviolent communication (NVC) – an area of special interest – I am offering three groups. One will help people to build firm foundations in NVC – to master the fundamentals, if you like. One will be for experienced practitioners who want to continue to deepen their understanding and practise of NVC. One will be a marketing group for NVC trainers who want to become more effective in creating a market for their own unique offering in this area.

I am already putting the word out and I’ll be watching with interest to see which groups take off first. Who knows, I may even find that there are groups I don’t know of yet just waiting to come to me! I’m preparing invitations and will be sending them out this month.

Today, I start to address one part of the invitation – to reach out and ask for quotes to include in my materials. Many requests go to people I know well – colleagues, clients, my coach, Lynne Fairchild. One is a little off the wall – to my colleagues on the Training Journal Daily Digest. I am curious to notice how vulnerable I feel as I wonder what will come back…

Vulnerability? Bring it on!

Coaching, Developing as a leader, ,

Readers of my blog may know that I am a regular reader of, and contributor to, the Training Journal Daily Digest. This is a forum where a diverse group of in-house and independent trainers, consultants, coaches and sundry professionals come to share views with and seek help from their colleagues. It’s also a place of abundance! There’s so much that I enjoy about it.

Recently, there has been a discussion thread about how different people are experiencing the recession. Is it all doom and gloom? Clearly not. Still, the question implicit in such a discussion is: “how honest are we prepared to be?”

One posting caught my eye and resonated with me. It has messages for those of us who work as coaches – those to whom others look for an example. It has messages for those of us who lead – again, to whom others look for an example. The message was from Hilary Cooke (see http://www.merlin-consultancy.com/) and, with her generous permission, I reproduce it here:

To reply to your question, my biggest learning has so often been, and still is, around how I handle myself and certainly managing my own anxieties and vulnerabilities is an important part of that. John Heron (one of my heroes) is red-hot explicit on how we cannot safely take clients to areas we have not been to and do not dare visit ourselves.

I work a lot with people who are in jobs or roles where it has become important to fake what you feel and then manage the emotional labour that it creates. It takes huge amounts of energy to deny feelings and I don’t choose that for myself.

I have my own lightbulb joke about consultancy – how many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer – I don’t know, and I’m too busy to think about it now, but I’ll send you a proposal when I get time at the weekend.

So – we become seduced into our own brand of “macho” (I think) – and it’s about success equating to being raftered with work. Ask any colleague at a networking do and they will shake their head from side to side, tut like a plumber looking at a leak and adopt a pained expression whilst proclaiming how soooooo busy they are. That’s the facade for clients too – after all, if we are not busy, the unspoken rider is “well you can’t be very good then” and so we come to believe our own propaganda.

The risk to ourselves is building our dream-life – and then becoming too busy to benefit from it or enjoy it – and then have the temerity to advise other people on how to live theirs??? (Talk about “take my advice – I don’t happen to be using it myself!”)

Personally, I wouldn’t employ a coach or developer who couldn’t prove and quantify their own time and income expenditure on objective self development – I certainly do and expect the same from my partners. I also think it’s a shame that there is not a compulsory supervision practice to support consultants and coaches, as there is in psychotherapy. I choose to go in to supervision if I feel I am approaching or bumping into the coaching / therapy boundary with certain clients, and maintain my coaching tribe for different purposes. It’s knowing my own limits that enables me to create and hold the safe space that you talk about and that we know to have such value in our work – both with groups and individuals.

So yeah – vulnerabilities, anxieties, fears, – bring them on – and acknowledge that they are there. Only then can they be managed. It’s the ones I don’t yet know, my blind spots, that are the dangerous ones – so if you spot any, I trust you will tell me!

Taking a moment to celebrate

Coaching, ,

Today I am celebrating! I am preparing to offer a number of Coaching Groups in areas of special interest to me. These include a group for leaders as coaches, a group for new coaches and a group for people who are committed to living in the spirit and practice of nonviolent communication.

As I begin to share my plans, the feedback is overwhelmingly positive. In the leadership and coaching arena, I have started to explore with a colleague a coaching group for leaders to explore what works in leadership. In the field of nonviolent communication, I have been overwhelmed by the response and am beginning to put together an interest list. I feel thrilled.

And alongside this – and many other celebrations – I received today an e-mail from my sister-in-law about Burma’s democratic leader. As I read it, I feel all the more strongly that nonviolent communication is a force for good in the world. Her message? I think it speaks for itself:

I’ve just sent my birthday message of support to Burma’s democracy leader, Aung San Suu Kyi.

Check it out and create your own here: http://www.64forsuu.org/word.php?wid=10527

Aung San Suu Kyi has now been imprisoned by Burma’s brutal regime for over 13 years. 64forSuu.org is a website where celebrities, politicians and the public from all over the world are coming together to send birthday messages of support to the world’s only imprisoned Nobel Peace Prize winner.

Find out more about Aung San Suu Kyi’s fight for human rights and democracy in Burma on the website http://www.64forsuu.org/

When you’re needing fuel for the journey

Coaching, Emotional Intelligence, ,

In recent days I’ve been creating postings on the blog as a support to the main article of my newsletter which I sent out on Friday. I’ve written about half the postings I plan to write in this series. Today though, I’m taking a diversion – one that I dedicate to one of – all of – my coaching clients with gratitude for our work together.

On 6th May 2009, I started one of my postings by saying that the power of coaching lies in its invitation to become increasingly conscious of the dreams we hold for our life and to take steps towards the fulfilment of those dreams. Some clients come to coaching brimming with energy and excitement, ready to enlist the support of their coach to help them to fulfil their dreams. These are the clients who are already looking back on a history of making dreams come true and who have taken bold steps along the way to make things happen. They already know that they have everything they need to succeed in life and they use coaching to accelerate their progress. It’s easy to recognise them as “high performers”.

Some clients do not yet know they are “high performers” when they come to coaching. Sometimes this is because they have all sorts of successes behind them that they don’t yet recognise. Sometimes this is because their success lies in honing to perfection strategies for achieving their goals or ways of being in this world that habitually fail to deliver intended outcomes. Either way, they can feel a great sense of despair when they start to work with a coach – overwhelmed by the distance between where they are now and where they want to be, despondent in the belief that they can’t possibly make the changes they need to in order to reach their goals or that they lack the resources they need to make those changes. It’s as if it’s taken them so long to decide to seek the help they need that a miracle is well and truly overdue. When it doesn’t happen straight away their despair increases – at least for a while.

There is a simple change of perspective – a decision to look at our experience in a slightly different way – that can provide fuel for the journey when it’s most needed. In the field of neurolinguistic programming this links to adopting an “outcome focus”. In the field of nonviolent communication, practitioners often refer to adopting the practice of gratitude. To link it to my recent newsletter, I would add that adopting this practice makes for an increase in one’s resilience – no matter what life throws in your direction. To adopt this practice also increases one’s sense of joy and fulfilment.

What does the practice of gratitude comprise? Here are a few pointers:

  • Step 1, setting an intention: If we plan to notice those things that are working in our lives, it’s more likely than not that we will. So start by setting your intention and notice what comes up. If you experience any inner resistance you may want to explore this on your own or with your coach. Otherwise move to Step 2;
  • Step 2, making time and a place: It’s not that you need to make extra time available and add to your already over-burdened schedule. It’s just that when you’re clear about when and how you’re going to practice gratitude you’re more likely to do it. Perhaps you will create a special notebook in which you write every day at a time of your choosing. Perhaps you will use your walk with the dog or your journey home from work as a time of reflection. Perhaps you’ll make a weekly appointment with a trusted friend or colleague. Choose whatever ways work for you and be ready to adapt them in the light of your experiences along the way;
  • Step 3, notice what’s working for you: Marshall Rosenberg offers a specific way to notice what’s working for you. A first step is to notice something that you have done or that someone else has done that meets your needs. In itself, this may be a step forward, requiring you to shine a light on aspects of your life which otherwise go unnoticed. The second step is to notice the feelings you have when you notice these actions. I invite you to bathe in the feelings that come up when you notice something that’s working for you – however large or small! The third step is to notice what needs have been met by your own or someone else’s action.

There are many more things you can do – additional steps if you like – to leverage the power of gratitude. One is to express your gratitude to the person or people for whose actions you feel grateful. Another is to make a similar process part of your regular meetings with staff. I could give many examples. If, though, your aim is to feel more optimistic about the journey you are making, and to build your levels of trust and belief that you can make that journey, I recommend you focus on Steps 1 to 3 above.

And whatever you experience as a result of adopting this practice I wish you more power for your journey.

Knowing what you want

Coaching, Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, , ,

I can’t write about traits that underpin resilience without writing about knowing what you want. Ian McDermott, in the field of neurolinguistic programming (or NLP) defines outcome orientation as one of the four pillars of success. Marshall Rosenberg, originator of nonviolent communication, highlights how often, when working as a clinical psychologist and treating people who suffered from depression, he would find that they were at a loss to know what they really wanted – and how to make it happen. In my own work with senior leaders in a wide range of settings, research has demonstrated how the most effective leaders set and work towards challenging goals for themselves and others.

In my newsletter, I write:

One aspect of developing an internal locus of control is knowing what you want. In hard times, it’s easy to be clear about what you want to avoid. For John, for example, avoiding redundancy is about protecting his mortgage payments whilst for Lesley, keeping her job is about avoiding the loss of face she fears will come with redundancy. Carl has taken a different view. Rather than seeking to avoid certain outcomes he actively focuses on those outcomes he wants to achieve: his primary objective at work is to provide for his family and to have fun whilst doing so.

Carl’s view of what he wants provides a sense of excitement and momentum. In coaching, helping clients to clarify what they want is amongst the primary tasks of coaching: getting clear on what you want produces a positive energy and can provide the basis for action.

Some people might view this as paradoxical: after all, isn’t it precisely those times when we don’t get what we want that we find hard? At the same time, it’s often true that those people – including people in leadership roles – who have a clear vision of the outcomes they want to achieve are precisely the people who show the most resilience in hard times.

What are your options if you want to get clear on what you want? As a coach, I have found that clients value a whole variety of ways to identify what they want. I’ll be writing about some of them under the heading Staying Connected. Meantime, here are some of the methods my clients use to generate an over-arching vision of their “ten out of ten” life, career, business or other outcome:

  • Whether you are thinking about your work or the whole of your life, it helps to find ways to daydream about your “ten out of ten” life. There are many of these and I invite you to choose ways that work for you. If you enjoy pictures, it can help to set up a “dream board” and to look out for pictures that in some way represent something that is important to you as part of your “ten out of ten” life. Equally, you might like to use a scrapbook or notebook for this purpose;
  • Some clients favour writing as a way to generate ideas. It may not surprise readers that this is one of my preferred approaches. Every now and again, I take time to daydream in writing. For me, this is the process of writing about what I want, whether my focus is on my business aspirations, my life as a whole or some particular aspect of what I’m wanting;
  • In the workplace, some approaches are favoured more than others to generate ideas. Brainstorming is one way of sharing possibilities and can be used with teams. Alternatively, having people write their ideas on post it notes before sharing them and grouping them by themes and discussing them can make it easy for every member of a team to contribute ideas.

I want to highlight two principles that my clients find invaluable, no matter what method they are using to identify what they want. The first is to suspend any questions about how you might get what you want. This allows you to range freelly, trusting that you will find ways to make your dreams come true at a later stage. The second is to “try it on for size”. This is the process of imagining what you want as if you already have it, an approach beloved of Olympic sportsmen and women. This helps you to check out ahead of time whether you really do want what you imagine you want: if you don’t, you’ll feel it somewhere in the body. In addition, by imagining you already have it, you start to rehearse what it might take to get it.

I invite you to share your response to this posting. Do you have ways of getting in touch with what you want that you’re willing to share here? Which of the ideas above have you tried out and with what outcomes?

Making friends with power

Coaching, Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, , , ,

It’s a funny thing, power. David McClelland, in his extensive study of human motivation (summarised in the book of the same name) identified power as one of three primary areas of unconscious motivation.

Mention power in many circles, even circles of power and influence, and you’ll find, frankly, that it gets a bad press. It’s easy to see why this might be true, when we have such a long history in the human race of exercising power over others in ways which meet the needs of one person or group at the expense of the needs of another.

Through my studies of nonviolent communication, I have come to a different understanding of power. For whilst we can exercise power over others we can also exercise power with others. We do this when we act from the belief that our needs – everybody’s needs – are important. This belief provides a basis for seeking to find ways to connect with, honour and meet our needs. This same belief provides a basis for helping others to do the same.

A first step on the road to nonviolence is to fully inhabit our own needs – to connect with them, bathe in them, experience the living energy of those needs. Perhaps it’s worth highlighting that when we are truly connected to our needs our primary focus is on our needs. The question of how we might meet them and who might help us in this endeavour becomes secondary. There are so many ways in which different needs can be met.

Now, in my work as a consultant and, more recently, in my work as a coach, I have for some years been helping leaders as they grapple with questions of power. Still, ten days after spending a day with consultant and NVC trainer Gina Lawrie, something she said and has said before is landing with me with a new energy and I recognise just how much I want to embrace the power of my needs fully and in this way to inhabit and live from my full power. Only days after sharing my values on my blog I realise it’s time to revise them and add another. I’m not yet sure I have the words right and still they are good enough for now. I decide that one of my values, a way of honouring and serving life is:

Fully inhabiting and living from my power.