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Returning from NVC summer camp

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It’s my second day back in the office after returning from NVC summer camp.  Nonviolent communication (also NVC or compassionate communication) starts from the intention of connecting with others and seeking to find ways in which everyone’s needs can be met.  In my own work as a coach I aim to hold people as resourceful and whole:  NVC does the same.

And yes, it was a busman’s holiday for me.  Some of my most precious moments were moments of connection and conversations in which I was able to draw on my skills as a coach in support of my friends and colleagues on the camp.  You know you are doing the work you love when you do it whether or not you are being paid.

I return with such a sense of nourishment and celebration.  I enjoyed connecting with people I know well and people I met for the first time at camp.  Opting for the “glamping” option (staying nearby in a house rented for the occasion) I cherish the community of women and children in the house.  I wonder whether Mark, who joined us several days in, is an honorary woman or an honorary child – maybe both.  I also celebrate the men on the camp and especially those moments when I witnessed the men supporting each other in the fulness of emotions that can arise when we commit to live from the heart.

Even as I write I feel the fullness of my heart and I experience this as a state – a way of being – that I want to maintain.  It’s not always easy in the busy-ness of everyday life.

My thanks to Des and all the team at the Rainbow Mill for making it possible to come together in this way.  Words aren’t quite enough to express the depth of gratitude I feel when I think of the many needs met and the fullness of a life lived in this way.

Chocolate, beetroot and the god of small things

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It’s holiday season and I am following the example of our new PM and holidaying at home in the UK.  As I write I am both celebrating my recent break (with my mother, my brother’s partner Arabella and my nephew Joel) and looking forward to joining my colleagues in the community of nonviolent communication at summer camp in Norfolk.

My mother, approaching her 80th birthday, came laden with vegetables from her allotment and with the intention of setting to work to strip my stairs.  We started, though we didn’t finish!  My nephew, Joel, soon to turn five, is outgoing and energetic and I enjoyed our time together as well as the stillness that descended after he left.  Arabella, who usually carries the weight of responsibility for responding to her son’s yearning for company was able to rest a little and I was able to experience the pleasure of spending time with her after Joel went to bed.  Today, a week after they all went home again, I am pausing to savour the pleasure of sharing time with them and the many needs met – to contribute and be contributed to, for connection and love, for fun and laughter and many more.  These are precious moments.

Mum brought beetroot with her, ready cooked, and Joel and I together made Chocolate and Beetroot Cake from Green & Black’s wonderful book of chocolate recipes – with Joel sifting the floor and chocolate powder, cracking open eggs and stirring the mixture.  The result was super-moist, highly tasty and a deep colour from the mix of chocolate and beetroot.  A great success.

And in case you’d like to try it, and until such time as Green & Blacks ask me to take the recipe off my blog and tell you to go and buy the book here it is:

Preparation time:  30 minutes
Cooking time:  50 minutes
Use:  18cm (7in) round cake tin
Makes:  8 slices

Ingredients

100g (3.5oz) drinking chocolate
230g (8oz) self raising flour
200g (7oz) golden caster sugar
100g (3.5oz) dark chocolate, minimum 60% cocoa solids, broken into pieces
125g (4.5oz) unsalted butter
250g (9oz) cooked beetroot
3 large eggs

To serve

Icing sugar for dusting
Creme fraiche

Preparation

Preheat the oven to 180deg C/350deg F/gas mark 4.

Butter and flour the cake tin.

Sift the flour and drinking chocolate together, then mix in the sugar.  Melt the chocolate and butter together in a heatproof bowl suspended over a saucepan of barely simmering water.  Puree the beetroot in a food processor.  Whisk the eggs, then stir them in with the beetroot.  Add the beetroot and the chocolate mixtures to the dry ingredients and mix together thoroughly.

Pour the mixture into the cake tin.  Bake for 50 minutes or until a skewer inserted into the centre comes out clean.  Remove from the oven and leave the cake to stand in its tin for 10 minutes before turning it out on to a wire rack to cool.  Serve dusted with icing sugar and some creme fraiche. 

Nonviolent Communication: resources for beginners

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All approaches to communication have applications in every area of our personal, group and societal lives.  For most people – let’s be clear, if there are exceptions, I don’t yet know them – the basic approaches to communication that we use are consistent in a number of respects.  Most of us, for example, communicate in line with beliefs and values which are consistent across the full range of our business and personal relationships.  We all have positive intentions when we communicate with others.

At the same time, for many of us, there are aspects of our communication that are both habitual and unexamined.  In particular, we may be unaware of the beliefs that inform our approach to communication.  And we may fail to notice the unintended (including negative) consequences of our chosen approach.  This is so commonplace that we can assume that the blind spots we have individually are a reflection of more widely-held blindspots in a culture or cultures which practise the same approach to communication.  (Indeed, in his book Vital Lies, Simple Truths* Daniel Goleman makes a compelling case to this effect).

Over the years, I have become a fan of a number of thinkers whose work points to alternative approaches which tend to support the healing of old misunderstandings and to communicate in ways which facilitate understanding and connection in the present moment.  For this reason I admire and engage actively in the work of Marshall Rosenberg (author of Nonviolent Communication:  A Language for Life).

Now, all this is by way of introduction to some resources that were highlighted to me by Ray Taylor, a colleague in the world of Nonviolent Communication who shared two recordings which are available on-line and offer a clear introduction to Nonviolent Communication (or NVC).  Just follow the links as follows:  the first is an introduction to NVC by Marshall Rosenberg and the second is a link to a number of talks by Jorge Rubio.  I wish you happy listening.

PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Love’s Hidden Symmetry

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It’s all very well to read a good book as you travel across London to a wedding, but streaming mascara is not a good look (at least, not until the emotional events of a wedding celebration).  So I smiled even as I was moved to tears reading the transcript of a family constellation in the book by Bert Hellinger and colleagues, Love’s Hidden Symmetry.

I have been aware of Hellinger’s work for some time now and had it in my sights as something to investigate.  It’s probably been a full two years between buying the book and picking it up to read.  (It has to be said that I am beginning to trust my reading instincts – to know that this lapse of time is simply a wait until the moment is right to read a book.  It has been chosen once – put on my Amazon Wishlist or bought and ready on the shelf – and then chosen once again).

When the time came, I was taken aback by how riveting I found this book.  Hellinger’s work is born of a longer tradition amongst therapists seeking to help clients to unravel the dynamics of their family systems.  This tradition recognises the central role that our early experiences of family play in our lives long after we have – or appear to have – flown the nest.  My understanding is that Hellinger took this tradition further than most by seeking to access the healing power of what is called the “family constellation”.

What is a “family constellation”?  In his work, Hellinger establishes key facts of a client’s family life – a sibling who died young, a grandfather who committed suicide, a husband who left his wife – and invites members of the group to act as the representative of key family members as the client maps out the relationships between them.  This mapping out is a physical and metaphorical mapping out – a daughter stands near her father, for example, or a husband and wife stand close or far apart.  Representatives report how they feel, Hellinger makes adjustments until representatives feel at ease.  In the process, the client’s own relationships with members of his or her family are clarified in the family’s current constellation and adjusted.  Old patterns are released and new patterns found which work for members of the family as individuals and for the family as a whole.  No matter that the “family members” are representatives:  the outcome of this work is a shift for the whole family and not just for the individual client.

For me, the most compelling aspect of Hellinger’s work is his commitment to what he calls a phenomenological approach.  He is not there to suggest what should be but rather to explore what is.  This approach and its attendant observations have made his work controversial amongst some observers.  It is not only that his observations tend to reinforce traditional roles and heirarchies (though this alone is enough to stir up comment).  Equally compelling are the patterns that are evident across generations suggesting our unconscious loyalty to those who have gone before us – including those of whom we are unaware.

Reading this book is itself an exercise in healing: a way of connecting with the possibility that we may embrace whatever fate is ours in this life and also be at peace;  a reminder that our best gift to those who have gone before us is to seek out this healing and to live life to the full.  This is not only the domain of those who seek therapy (who are sometimes seen by those who don’t as in some way different or other than themselves).  We are all affected by our family experiences which linger in us both in the pain we may feel and in our capacity to give and receive love.

What was it about that family constellation that moved me so much?  It was the honour paid by the surviving member of a Jewish family after the Holocaust to his deceased relatives, each represented by a member of the group.  Completing this work Hellinger, himself a German who was a young man during World War II, after a long pause thanks the group and tells them:

In Germany, we are told by many people that we shouldn’t forget – we should remember what happened.  Very often, we are told accusingly, by people who feel superior, and that has a bad effect in the soul.  The proper way of remembering is what we did here, mourning the dead together – just being one with them.  That has a healing effect on the soul;  anything else has the opposite effect… I need a little time just to recollect myself.  I hope you understand, 

PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

A single footstep will not make a path

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Every now and then the busy-ness of life takes over – two whole weeks since I last published a posting.

Today though, the quote below caught my eye and seems to me to speak for itself:

“As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.”

Henry David Thoreau

Small pleasures

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Sometimes, in the midst of busy times, I enjoy taking a moment to reflect on life’s small pleasures.  Today, they included:

  • Watering my first ever crop of tomatoes this morning and watching the fruits form and grow;
  • Getting a call from Neil at BT who was able to answer all my questions (at last!) about my recent order and who gave me his number in case I needed to phone again;
  • Buying cream roses in my local market at lunch time and popping my head round the door of my lounge every now and again to admire them and enjoy their beauty;
  • Finishing an executive assessment report in time to have a cup of tea before my 4pm ‘mastermind’ call;
  • Watching Holland play Uruguay in – well, some football thing or other – and observing that yes, perhaps football is a beautiful game – maybe even balletic at times;
  • Letting go of the day’s unfinished tasks, knowing that I have more time tomorrow.

What’s the good news in our current economic climate?

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Recently, my experiences have tended to highlight just how many people are affected – and deeply – by our current economic climate. The number of people with whom I have direct connections, for example, who are without work has grown significantly in the last six months and this number includes highly talented individuals. The number of people in work who watch the possibility of redundancy advancing and receding… and advancing again… is also growing. The number of coaches I talk to whose income has gone down and who are at risk of losing heart is also growing. And this is before we look to our colleagues across Europe and around the world and begin to consider their experiences.

It would be easy to respond in ways that reinforce a sense of downward spiral and, at the same time, I am curious to connect with, immerse myself in and contribute to the “good news”. I write today to ask you what you see as the good news in our current economic climate and to share some perceptions of my own:

• Perhaps the ultimate good news is that our current economic cycle is just that. As much as the downturn brings bad news for a number of industries, challenging them to reform or else to slowly fade away (and even suddenly disappear), there are other sectors whose moment has come. One of these is the green energy sector. What other sectors do you notice which are poised to lead us out of recession?

• I notice that our current climate favours those who are able to step back and take the long view, and those who are emotionally resilient, purposeful and highly adaptable. It’s not just that these are the people who are in demand amongst employers. It’s also that these are the people who are able to spring back with or without the support of an employer. Who are the people who are best adapted to maintain their equilibrium, to find their way through and to contribute to our progress?

• I begin to see a welcome shift in the conversations going on around me, which some might view as paradoxical. It seems to me that the more job loss and business failure seems possible for us all, the more we feel able to share and talk with others about our concerns and the less people take things personally. I observe more people reaching out for help and support and more people coming forward to provide it. I wonder what you observe in the dialogue that surrounds you?

• Finally, my experience of the recession of the late 80s/early 90s suggests to me that recession brings with it opportunities for renewal and reform and this in turn carries with it the possibility that the world will be a better place following the recession than it was before it. I wonder, what do you see as the welcome reforms that this recession is bringing, might bring or “ought” to bring with it?

And finally and because I am a coach I notice my curiosity is aroused in relation to coaching and the recession. Perhaps two fundamental questions are these: who is most in need of coaching right now? And who is most likely to invest in coaching? And a third question is this: who are the people who are both likely to benefit from coaching and ready to pay for it?

I am also curious about the questions – and answers – that come up for you as you read this posting. And also about the sources of information and comment that spring to mind as you read this posting.  Please leave your comments below.

Crossing the Unknown Sea

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“Work provides safety.
To define work in other ways than safety is to risk our illusions of immunity in the one organized area of life where we seem to keep nature and the world at bay”.
David Whyte
Crossing the Unknown Sea:  Work as a Pilgrimage of Identity
Recently, amongst the people with whom I spent five days at Vicky Peirce’s Come to Life Barn, I enjoyed meeting David, a recent graduate embarking on his career at a time when the economy is rocky and jobs are scarce.  Returning from the Barn and pondering our current economic situation I found myself picking up a book which has been waiting to be read for some time, David Whyte’s Crossing the Unknown Sea:  Work as a Pilgrimage of Identity.
With his characteristic style David Whyte draws on his own experiences and on the writings of others to reveal and explore the depths that await us if we only dare to bring ourselves fully to the experience of our work.  Every page reveals a deep truth about our relationship with work and about the relationship with ourselves which is revealed through this relationship.  The theme of conversation is woven throughout the book and I am at risk (though only very slightly) of losing sight of the overall arc of the book as I read sentence after sentence that lends itself to being quoted elsewhere.
As I read I also reflect on the experiences of friends, colleagues and clients in our current climate.  It seems to me that we have moved beyond redundancy as something that is happening to a few other people towards redundancy as something that is only a step away from each and every one of us.  With this comes a challenge to those of us for whom work is our primary and underlying security – for when our chief underlying security is no longer secure, we are challenged to look elsewhere.
The possibility or experience of job loss has a significant impact on the conversations we hold – at times without awareness – with ourselves.  For some, this is a devastating experience, rocking our very sense of self as someone worthwhile and with something to contribute.  We can see this in individuals and also in whole communities affected by the loss of an industry with which generations of neighbours and family members have become deeply entwined.  For others, redundancy becomes an opportunity to engage with deeper questions of who we are, what we want and what we bring, opening up new possibilities and pathways towards work as an expression of our true selves.  It is to these people that Whyte’s book is calling and it is with these people that I love to work in coaching partnership.
The possibility or experience of job loss is also something that shapes the conversations we have with one another.  For as we become aware that keeping our heads down and doing a good job may not be enough to secure our position in the workplace we are invited to reach out in mutual understanding and support.  Amongst the outcomes that our current climate can bring this is one that I see as entirely positive.  This is a movement away from a brightly-surfaced, brittle isolation towards a greater depth and intimacy in our conversations.  And once the surface of our isolation is broken and trust is established our world has already expanded and has the potential to continue to expand. 
For this reason, speaking to a client about the situation he faces as possible redundancy ebbs and flows, I notice that I cannot put my hand on heart and say that I truly wish he does not have to face the loss of his current job.  For whatever lies ahead I know that he – along with others like him – has the resources he needs to experience such a loss as an opening, a blossoming, as an experience by which he learns more about himself and his possibilities.  Whilst I do not have any wish for him that he lose his job, I do come back to my faith in the richness of human experience and in our capacity to learn, grow and thrive.
PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

The perennial leadership challenge: how to give feedback to staff

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When it comes to feedback, there are some key issues that are out of sight in terms of our beliefs and values.  It can help to get clear about these before deciding on approaches to feedback.
We live in a society whose coverts beliefs are about right and wrong, reward and punishment.  This is variously labelled, for example, as the “domination society”, or “patriarchal” or “unilateral control”.  In organisations this can be (though it doesn’t need to be) reinforced by hierarchy, where “I am more senior than you” can equate to “I am right and you are wrong”.  I am wondering as I write if the (in)famous “feedback sandwich” comes from this model – whilst it recognises and attempts to shield people’s feelings from negative feedback the feedback still comes from the idea that I have perceptions that are correct.
There is another approach which sees both parties as having needs which need to be met, having a contribution to make, having things to learn.  Again, there are various terms which get used to describe this such as the “mutual learning model” (Roger Schwarz), “nonviolent communication” (Marshall Rosenberg) and no doubt more besides.  In these approaches feedback is, frankly, as much about the person giving feedback as it is about the person receiving it, recognising that both parties have needs to be met and both parties have things to learn.  Hierarchy plays a role in terms of job function and responsibilities but not in terms of who is right and who is wrong.
So, when it comes to seeking out an effective model for giving feedback, it helps to be clear about your aspirations in terms of the underlying principles – beliefs, values etc. – that you want your preferred model to meet.  One way of understanding the implications of different approaches (in this case leadership approaches) is to read Goleman’s The New Leaders.  Essentially, leadership styles which come from the domination model can be valuable in certain specific and limited (especially crisis) situations but tend to undermine performance in the long term.  Douglas McGregor’s X and Y Theory (outlined in The Human Side of Enterprise) also points to this distinction as does Alfie Kohn’s Punished by Rewards.
If you want to understand the different underlying approaches read Goleman, McGregor, Kohn.  If you want to explore how to give feedback in line with the second (Goleman and colleagues call it “resonant”) approach, read Rosenberg and Schwarz.



PS  Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Nonviolent communication: finding out more

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As they often are, my post for today has been written in advance.  As I sit and write, I am looking forward to taking a week away on a Nonviolent Communication retreat, with Vicky Peirce at The Barn.  As you read, I am mid-way through our five days together.  My past experience tells me that I can expect to be both stretched and nourished by the experience.

Recently, colleagues in the UK community of NVC practitioners have launched a ning group – a kind of social network cum website.  The membership is growing and I expect it to grow further.  You will find it at http://www.nvc-uk.com/ or equally at http://nvc-uk.ning.com/.  This is in addition to a simple information page at http://www.nvc-uk.info/.  There’s also a wealth of information available via the official site of the Center for Nonviolent Communication at http://www.cnvc.org/.

Marshall’s book is also the book I recommend most often to my coaching clients.  Having imbibed BBC Radio 4 all my life, I sometimes call it my Desert Island Disc book.  This is Nonviolent Communication:  A Language for Life.

If you want to find out more about Nonviolent Communication or connect with others who are seeking to practice this approach to relationships with self and other, these are all good places to start.

PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.