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When your self image takes time to adjust to your new role

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As much as I am passionate about my work, I rarely watch television drama with a professional eye.  This evening, though, a classic workplace drama caught my eye:  the promotion.

Mark, senior nurse at Holby City, is encouraged by colleagues to apply for – and gets – the vacant CEO post.  Whilst his colleagues are already looking at him through new eyes, Mark is unsure about his ability to do the job.  His sense of self or self image is out of kilter with his understanding of his new job.

It’s possible that Mark does not have the capabilities to do the job.  (In truth, given my understanding of the job he is leaving behind and the role of CEO, I think this is likely).  Equally, it’s possible that Mark has everything it takes to carry out his new role effectively.  It’s simply a question of aligning his self image to his full capabilities in the context of his new post.

Sometimes, candidates for a new and senior job have a self image which tells them they have everything to do a job and yet this sense of self is not matched by their true capabilities.  These candidates are the recruiter’s nightmare – a kind of headhunter’s Lorelei.  Presenting every appearance of having what it takes they draw others in and they may even present a great front for a while once they are in post.  However, there are only so many times they can blame others for mistakes in their new role before those around them start to see beyond their brash and confident facade.

If you are the employer seeking to fill that critical senior post you will do well to invest in a thorough Executive Assessment.  At Learning for Life (Consulting) we place a three-hour competency based (“behavioural event”) interview at the centre of our assessments.  This helps us to make confident risk assessments of short-listed candidates and to see through any false impressions.  If you let through the over-confident candidate you may find it hard to invite changes, for the over-confidence may be rooted in the candidate’s refusal to face the evidence of their limitations.  Yes, they lie* to themselves – habitually.

If you are one of the Mark’s of this world, you may find that working with a good Executive Coach will help you to adjust your sense of self so that you can step fully into your new role, knowing in every fibre of your being who you are in the context of your new role.  This will boost your confidence even whilst helping you to understand and leverage your strengths – and recognise and manage your limitations.

*And in case you think “lie” is a strong word (in this or any other context) you might like to look out for Dorothy Rowe’s recent book Why We Lie.  I added it to my wishlist on Amazon recently after hearing my namesake talk about her book on BBC Radio 4.

Derrick Bird: more than a “killer”

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Wednesday, June 2, 2010.  As the day unfolds the news begins to emerge of a number of acts of violence in Cumbria.  What began as an ordinary day in an area beloved of holiday makers for its tranquility and outstanding natural beauty ends as another Hungerford, Dunblane, Omagh.

Thursday, June 3, 2010.  The news of the day is dominated by reporting of the shootings as each new detail is sought out and shared.  Wondering why we are drawn to report in such detail and why I am drawn to watch it, I recognise the shock we all experience at events which are so far outside our mental maps of the world and our need, somehow, to make sense of the tragic events of the day.  Talk of the fact that the weapons used were lawfully held blends seamlessly into questions about our UK gun laws as if, somehow, there must be a way of preventing every such act of violence.

The reportage is – to my mind at least – sensitive and respectful, recognising the shock of a whole community and the need to grieve both individually and as a community.  The events of the previous day will need to be processed and the community will need to find some way of coming to terms with the experiences and the heartfelt losses of the day.

Of course, one option is easy to reach for and already reflected in the language used to describe Derrick Bird, the man who killed 12 people and injured a number of others.  On the one hand witnesses describe him in his full ordinariness:  the man who was a regular in his local pub, sometimes quiet and sometimes joshing with his mates;  the man who had dedicated significant time to caring for his mother.  On the other hand, journalists reach for the descriptions which set him apart – the gunsman, killer.  It is not only that he committed acts of violence.  The language suggests that he was the acts he committed.

I am reminded of a story told by Marshall Rosenberg about teaching nonviolent communication in a prison, when a man convicted of murder told him:  “If I’d known about this [nonviolent communication], I would not have needed to murder my best friend”.  Whilst we may never know for sure the motives that drove Derrick Bird to shoot so many people before killing himself, we can be sure that his was the tragic expression of his unmet needs – needs that he lacked the skill to meet.  His tragedy has become the tragedy of his family, the tragedy of a whole community, the tragedy of a nation.

So, as my heart goes out to everyone involved, I choose to believe that Derrick Bird was more – much more – than the acts he committed on Wednesday, 2 June 2010.  I choose to embrace him in my thoughts with as much love and care as I have for his bereaved family, for those he injured and killed, for their loved ones and for those around them affected by the terrible events of the day.

His is not a legacy I would wish for anyone and yet it can be transformed by our ability to love and to heal.

As a meta of fact

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Sometimes, the words and phrases which are so well understood in one sphere require translation in another. I was reminded of this last week when I shared with a coaching client the idea of taking a meta-position and was asked to explain this term. It seemed like a good opportunity to write a posting.

The prefix “meta-” from the Greek seems to refer to a change e.g. of position or form. Various definitions point to something that refers to itself or something that is one step removed. In the world of neurolinguistic programming (or NLP) this prefix has been used in a variety of ways and it is from this use in NLP that I borrow the term. One powerful process in NLP is called the “meta-mirror”, a process by which the individual steps fully into his or her emotions and the script that accompanies these emotions about another person (“first position”), then steps into the metaphorical shoes of the person about whom he or she is talking (“second position”), then steps into the position of observer of self and other (“third position”) before stepping into a “fourth” position to observe the initial self (in “first position”) and the second self (in “third position”) and to decide which version of the “self” is more resourceful in responding to the original stimulus.

In nonviolent communication (or NVC) the metaphor “jackal” is used to refer to the kind of things we say when we are in first position and without awareness of our self-talk and the term “giraffe” is used to describe the thoughts and speech that come when we have stepped back to observe our feelings and to connect with the needs that underpin our feelings. The point about our “jackals” (or gremlins as they are often called in wider circles) is that they guide our lives in certain directions whether we want them to or not. At the same time, when we develop the ability to stand back and observe them – well, frankly, they often don’t stand up to close inspection.

So why is the NLP “meta-mirror” process so powerful? Precisely because the ability to step out of one’s shoes and observe oneself at one step removed opens up choices and possibilities which are not there without this ability to self-reflect. In our own shoes for example, we might say “John is so irritating. He always arrives late at meetings and he is never prepared”. In saying this, our attention is on John and John alone. The minute we are able to take a meta-position and to become an observer of the self we add all sorts of information to the picture. We can learn for example, that we feel angry. And we can examine whether John’s behaviour is the cause of our emotion or simply a stimulus, recognising that the cause of our anger is actually the thoughts we have about John’s habitual lateness. With this comes the ability to reflect on our response to John’s lateness and to adopt a different approach – if we want to.

So much for the jargon, what does this mean in practice? The “jackal” or “gremlin” has an inbuilt belief (which he does not recognise as such) that his belief is the truth. If you like, in the absence of being able to step back and observe himself, the jackal can hold the most questionable beliefs and maintain a story as if it were a truth. This means that he acts as if his belief or story were true. This could be beneficial or not depending on the nature of the belief or story. Everyday examples include the person who believes he will never get far because he didn’t do well at school versus the person who believes anything is possible. Good stories or bad? You decide.

British politics and collaboration

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Far from having any claim to insight into the British political system I consider myself an ordinary punter trying to make a responsible choice as I cast my vote in these extraordinary times. And having cast my vote on Thursday I am on tenterhooks (as, it seems, are the markets) as talks between the Conservative and Liberal Democrat parties take place to see if they can reach some kind of power-sharing agreement following our election.

It seems to me that there are two major questions on the agenda. One of these is the question of reform of the UK electoral system, a key aspiration of the Liberal Democrat Party – Britain’s third main party. Last time the Liberal Democrats had the chance to enter into a power-sharing arrangement (back in the 70s) they gave away the possibility of electoral reform in order to form a coalition government. Some commentators are suggesting that they are unlikely to let such a rare opportunity go past again. No matter what the outcome is from these post-electoral negotiations the government of the day will have to address another key question and decide how to manage Britain’s ailing economy.

I do wonder how these two questions are related. George Osborne, for example, Shadow Chancellor for the Conservative Party, made a speech in October 2009 in which he asked the electorate to accept the need for austerity. Michael Portillo, writing yesterday for the Daily Telegraph newspaper, suggested that this speech clearly frightened voters. It strikes me that the need to nurture the British economy back to good health was the unspoken “elephant in the room” in the recent televised debates between the three main party leaders. I wonder whether, under a representative system, it might have been more likely that all three leaders would have named this economic need. Is it possible that, under some kind of representative system (rather than our current “first past the post”) the question up for discussion amongst our politicians would not be whether or not we need to manage the economy right now but how?

It’s interesting to note that commentators (including Tim Montgomerie, writing for the ConservativeHome website and Lord Tebbit, former Conservative Party Chairman) have highlighted the need for a more collaborative approach within the Conservative Party. There is a mood of discontent amongst Conservative politicians that the party failed to win an overall majority in the election and some are pointing to Cameron’s failure to collaborate with colleagues in the party except for his tight inner circle. If nothing else, this lack of collaboration means that party members can easily point at Cameron and say “it’s your fault”. Gordon Brown has also been highlighted as someone who lacks skills in collaboration. Right now his hold on the leadership of the Labour Party is looking increasingly tenuous.

At the same time, there are concerns about the implications of power sharing. One immediate concern is that the time it is likely to take to form some kind of collaborative government may have significant effects on the markets. Commentators have also been voicing wider concerns, pointing to especially Germany’s system in which it can take months to form a government and Italy’s system in which corruption is put down to the governmental system. And that’s before you pick up the current edition of the New Scientist, the cover of which focuses on the maths, claiming: The Maths of Democracy: Why Fairness is Impossible.

So, as we await the outcome of last week’s election, I find myself pondering the potential benefits of far greater collaboration right the way across our political system. At the same time, I am acutely aware that successful collaboration takes a mindset that is not commonly visible in our Houses of Parliament. And I recognise that this in turn raises questions about the culture of our political system and about the wider culture it reflects. Perhaps this is an idea to explore on another day.

Moments in history

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So much of our life experience is a reflection of where we put our attention, so that it’s interesting to consider what our news tells us about our national psyche. Some would say that it’s always the same old news. Some might even say it’s always the same old bad news. Tonight, though, as I go to bed, I am somehow enlivened by the day’s news.

For the first time since 9/11 the nation’s airports are closed to airborne traffic and for (what seems to me to be) the quirkiest of reasons: the drifting cloud of volcanic ash from Iceland. Now, I must confess I am putting aside the opportunity to focus on the distress of the nation’s flyers even whilst recognising that for some this has been considerable. For in the long run, isn’t it quite cool to be able to say: “do you remember that time when we were due to fly to xyz and our flight was cancelled because of volcanic ash?” Besides which, even volcanic experts have to have their day. It might be a while before another opportunity comes up for them.

And then there was the UK’s first televised debate between the leaders of the three main political parties, 50 years after the USA first held televised debates between presidential candidates. I say hurrah! What better way to address the nation in the run-up to an election. I hope that this will set a precedent for every future election. And hey! Quirky or what?! ITV’s poll, whose first results were announced within 30 minutes of the end of the debate, showed that Nick Clegg, leader of our third party, the Liberal Democrats, came out as the overall winner in the minds of viewers and with a considerable margin. Putting aside the distress of some of his political opponents I think that that, too, is news worth celebrating.

Moments in history…

Essential resources for leaders: some cracking “good reads”

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What do you do when some of your favourite reads and other resources don’t quite land under a clear and easy heading? Below are some of the books and other resources that I and others have delighted in:

The Corporation: The Pathological Pursuit of Profit and Power
Joel Bakan

Available as a book and as a DVD, Bakan’s book makes a devastating case against corporate greed, exploring the implications of the laws which govern the way we do business.

One Minute Manager, One Minute Manager Meets the Monkey etc.
Kenneth H. Blanchard

These small books (and others in the series) do a fantastic job of making leadership easy to understand and to do. More than any other books I’ve recommended here they pass the “transatlantic flight test” – they’re quick to read and easy to stow in your luggage.

Good to Great and How the Mighty Fall
Jim Collins

I confess I haven’t read either of these books but my colleagues have. They may be a little dated and still they are firm favourites and at least one of them passes the “transatlantic flight test” and can be read in one go.

Oh! And for the longest reading list for leaders you’re ever likely to find go to http://www.jimcollins.com/tools/recommended-reading.html

Working with Emotional Intelligence
Daniel Goleman

Goleman has made significant contribution to our understanding of research which highlights the role that emotional intelligence plays in our success in the workplace. Essential reading for leaders, both to help them shape their own approach and to help them to coach and develop others.

Fish! A Remarkable Way to Boost Morale and Improve Results
Stephen C. Lundin, Harry Paul and John Christensen

If you’re looking to transform your leadership style, this book provides succinct guidance. Rooted in the owner’s experience of transforming the ‘World Famous Pike Place Fish Market’ (see below).

When Fish Fly: Lessons for Creating a Vital and Energized Workplace from the World Famous Pike Place Fish Market
Joseph Michelli & John Yokoyama

If you can – though it seems nigh-on impossible – get the CD abridged version of this inspiring book, which tells of the owners personal transformation and what it meant for the World Famous Pike Place Fish Market.

Quiet Leadership
David Rock

A recommendation from a colleague, I picked this book out because it is rooted in an understanding of the neuroscience of leadership.

The Soul of Money: Transforming Your Relationship with Money and with Life
Lynne Twist

For so many of us, work and money are intimately connected. But what is money and what is its meaning in our lives? Lynne Twist’s book is a compassionate and eloquent exploration of this question.

Winning!
Clive Woodward

As coach to the UK rugby team, Woodward set out to create a winning team and was both painstaking and determined in addressing every aspect of what it would take to make this dream a reality, leading to the team’s success in winning the Rugby World Cup in November 2003. A fascinating read which opens up many avenues for exploration.

The Heart Aroused: Poetry and the Preservation of the Soul in Corporate America
David Whyte

Whyte makes a powerful case for bringing ourselves fully into the workplace, offering a profound sense of what it means to locate our work deep within the soul. Whyte’s book offers a completely new perspective on what it means to work.

Life at the Frontier: Leadership Through Courageous Conversation
David Whyte

In this talk, Whyte highlights the need for authentic, real and courageous conversation whilst also recognising the challenges involved. Speaking with humour and compassion, Whyte tells some leadership home-truths.

www.TED.com

If you haven’t got time to read a book, go to www.TED.com for some twenty-minute ‘sound-bites’. This is a valuable resource for leaders who want to explore current thinking in small chunks.

Essential resources for leaders: the leader as coach

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The coaching style of leadership is one of the styles highlighted in The New Leaders (The New Leaders: Transforming the Art of Leadership, by Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis and Annie McKee) as highly effective in creating high performance teams. The outstanding leader needs to know how to coach those he or she leads. The books below are just a few of the many great books available to support leaders in developing their coaching style.

Coaching Skills for Leaders in the Workplace: How to Develop, Motivate and Get the Best from Your Staff
Jackie Arnold

This book is tailored for leaders in the workplace and draws on a variety of sources to provide a comprehensive and practical guide for leaders who want to develop their coaching style. This is a “how to” book which covers all the bases.

From Coach to Awakener
Robert Dilts

Dilts’ thought-provoking book highlights the wide range of forms that coaching can take, from helping individuals to acquire a new skill right through to sponsoring the individual in understanding who they are and awakening their awareness of the wider system in which they live and work. This book is for leaders and coaches who want to deepen their understanding of the full range of forms that coaching can take.

Sleight of Mouth
Robert Dilts

It’s not because of the limitations of our circumstances that we get “stuck”. Rather, our perspective or “map” can prevent us from seeing ways forward. Coaching is often a matter of helping people to see old information in new ways. Sleight of Mouth draws on what we know about some of the most effective leaders to offer ways of using language to open up new ways of looking at things. An invaluable resource for the leader as coach.

Coaching: Evoking Excellence In Others
James Flaherty

Coaching is a journey of mutual learning and growth – a two-way relationship. Flaherty’s practical guidance is rooted in a clear understanding of the mutuality of the coaching relationship.

The Coaching Bible: The Essential Handbook
Ian McDermott & Wendy Jago

The Coaching Bible aims both to make the case for coaching and to offer practical guidance to help the coach to make the most of what coaching can offer. It is as valuable for the leader as coach as it is for the professional coach.

The Portable Coach: 28 Sure-fire Strategies for Business and Personal Success
Thomas J. Leonard

Leonard is often cited as the father of modern-day coaching so his book is something of a classic. For the leader as coach (as well as for the professional coach) this book offers a way to coach oneself and this in turn makes for far greater authenticity in coaching others.

Fierce Conversations
Susan Scott

Coaching is about courage as well as compassion. Fierce Conversations reflects the author’s belief that a single conversation can change the course of a career, marriage or life, showing readers how to have conversations that count. A powerful tool for the leader as coach.

Coaching for Performance: GROWing People, Performance and Purpose
John Whitmore

Whitmore’s GROW model has been widely adopted and is often shared in training programmes for leaders in the workplace. Whitmore identifies coaching as an essential leadership skill as well as providing practical approaches for the leader as coach.

Co-Active Coaching: New Skills for Coaching People Toward Success in Life and Work
Laura Whitworth, Henry Kimsey-House and Phil Sandahl

Even when you are coaching as a leader, you are entering into a relationship with those you lead which is based on mutual consent. This book offers clear guidance on the nature of the coaching relationship as well as many practical approaches.

Essential resources for leaders: leadership and communication

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So much of leadership in practice is about communication and relationships – with oneself as well as with others. This reading list sets out to identify those books that support a style of communication that is rooted in an understanding of our true nature and in the ‘win, win’ values psychologists identify. This is about sustainable approaches which meet the needs of everyone involved.

Resonant Leadership: Renewing Yourself and Connecting with Others Through Mindfulness, Hope, and Compassion
Richard Boyatzis and Annie McKee

Boyatzis and McKee set out to translate the research findings outlined in their book (with Daniel Goleman) The New Leaders into practical approaches, recognising the extraordinary demands placed on leaders in today’s world.

Words that Change Minds: Mastering the Language of Influence
Shelley Rose Charvet

Our success in communication reflects our ability to appreciate the way others see the world as well as to understand our own views and perspectives. Shelle Rose Charvet’s book stands out in helping the reader to understand the language of influence.

Influence: Science and Practice
Robert B. Cialdini

Cialdini’s book comes highly recommended for anyone who has to market their ideas. This includes leaders as well as salespeople, trainers and others.

The Courage to Love: Principles and Practice of Self Relations Psychotherapy
Stephen Gilligan

Love may not be top of the list as a subject for leaders. Still, Gilligan’s book is valuable reading for the leader who wants to understand and develop his relationship with himself or others.

Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life
Marshall Rosenberg

This is the book I have most often recommended to others since I first read it in 2003. If you want to develop an approach to leadership which understands human nature and is rooted in values of compassion and accountability, this is your essential “must read”.

The Skilled Facilitator Approach
Roger Schwarz

Schwarz’s book stands alongside Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication in translating the findings of leadership theory into clear values and approaches for effective communication. Also a leadership “must read”.

Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success in Work and in Life: One Conversation at a Time
Susan Scott

Scott makes a compelling case for open, honest and courageous conversations in every area of our lives and demonstrates how they act to create momentum, progress and success. Any senior leader who baulks at reading Scott’s input needs to keep reading – again and again and again.

Getting to Yes: Negotiating an Agreement Without Giving In
Roger Fisher, William Ury, Bruce Patton

and

Getting Past No: Negotiating with Difficult People
William Ury

Fisher, Ury and Patton have outlined ways of negotiating such that everyone wins. And whilst you may rarely think of the conversations you have as “negotiations”, you may find the wisdom outlined in these two small books supports you in the day-to-day business of leadership – from performance appraisals to meetings of the Board.

Essential resources for leaders: leadership as a way of being

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The style or styles we adopt as leaders reflect a wide range of factors and influences including our experience of being led (the examples we have followed) and our own values and beliefs. Moving from an approach which is both unconscious and incompetent to an approach which is thoughtfully chosen and effective requires deep self awareness. For this reason, leadership is about who we are as well as what we do. This diverse selection reflects the inner journey of a leader.

The Secret: Unlocking the Source of Joy and Fulfilment
Michael Berg

This tiny book is an introduction to the spiritual practice of Kabbalah. Whether or not Kabbalah interests you, The Secret opens up the possibility of living a life of joy and fulfilment in an age when many people hold the untested belief that we are not meant to live in joy.

The Power of Myth
Joseph Campbell

Campbell’s studies of many myths have opened up our understanding of key stages in the ‘hero’s journey’. It is essentially this journey that differentiates the leader from the manager. Reading Campbell’s book gives new insight into what it means to be a leader.

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People & The 8th Habit
Steven Covey

Covey’s Seven Habits and his more recent 8th Habit have become classics in the field of self management – if you like, the leadership of the self.

The Inner Game of Tennis
W. Timothy Gallwey

Gallwey’s book became an immediate hit amongst business men and women when it was first published because of its insights into our inner dialogue and the role this dialogue can play in the game we play. Although subsequent books have addressed the inner game in specific areas, including work, I still return to my battered second-hand copy of this book.

Born To Win: Transactional Analysis With Gestalt Experiments
Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward

If you want to understand how Douglas McGregor’s ‘X’ and ‘Y’ leaders think about people, including themselves, you need look no further than the initial chapter of this book. This will help you to test your own way of thinking about people and work.

Synchronicity: The Inner Path of Leadership
Joseph Jaworski

Jaworski’s book is rooted in his own experience and describes two quite different ways of being in his life as a leader.

The Blank Slate: The Modern Denial of Human Nature
Stephen Pinker

We are at our most effective as leaders when our leadership is rooted in an understanding and acceptance of human nature. For this reason I include Pinker’s book.

On Becoming a Person
Carl Rogers

Carl Rogers is often seen as the father of both therapy and coaching, offering a compassionate approach, in line with the essential findings of leadership theory.

The Road Less Travelled
M. Scott Peck

Scott Peck’s book has become a classic in the field of personal development and offers insights into the path we choose when we become a leader.

A Simpler Way
Margaret Wheatley and Myron Kellner Rogers

When we understand the way nature works we have the opportunity to live our lives with ease. A Simpler Way offers a way to preserve the colour and texture of a vital individual life whilst coming together to work with others.

Love’s Executioner and Other Tales of Psychotherapy
Irvin Yalom

Yalom’s books – from textbooks for psychotherapists to novels rooted in his practice and experience as a therapist – offer insights into what it means to accept oneself and others. Yalom offers a way of being which is both delightful and profound.