Sitting with the question

Coaching,

I am three days into my trip to Dubai, my third trip in as many months, and I find myself sitting with a coach’s dilemma – yearning to share and committed to confidentiality.

Perhaps dilemma is not the word, for there is no dilemma when you have made your commitment to maintain client confidentiality. Nothing gets shared for which you have not been given permission.

And still, as I reflect, I wonder how to honour my clients in this posting, how to honour the readers of this blog by sharing.

Even as I write I have no answer and simply sit with the question.

Getting to know Barack Obama

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In the restaurant in my hotel in Dubai I overhear two colleagues discuss the heritage of a colleague, just back from a visit to see her family in Kenya. “I thought she was from Yemen” says one. “Yes” his colleague replies, “her family is from Yemen. But she was born and brought up in Kenya”.

Born in Kenya, of Yemeni origins, working in Dubai. If, like me, you were born and brought up in one place – one house, even – it can be easy to imagine that such a diverse history is rare. Until you stop to look around you that is.

One man whose personal history includes many threads is the US President Elect, Barack Obama. Born in Hawaii of a white American mother and a Kenyan father, Barack’s upbringing took him from Hawaii to Indonesia and back again. His inner journey of discovery seems also to have spanned significant distances.

Obama came to attention when he was the first black man to be elected to a student post in Harvard. Responding to invitations from publishers to write a book, Obama wrote Dreams From My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance, which was first published in 1997. My copy, ordered shortly after the election, already includes a note of his recent election.

Boarding my flight to Dubai I have already selected Dreams From My Father as my reading for the journey and I continue to read throughout my trip. I experience Obama’s book as a personal memoir and a journey of exploration, the work of a man who is highly articulate whilst also showing great humility. Perhaps, as Obama prepares for the role of President of the United States, this book is essential reading for us all. With or without this significance, it is a thought-provoking exploration of issues of race, inheritance and social change.

TM: Getting started

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When we take on a new responsibility or commitment, there is often a gap between our input and the effects over time that motivate us to get started. We make many visits to the gym before our bodies show the effects of our regular exercise – be they newly-defined muscles, increased stamina or new-found energy. The golfer makes many shots before celebrating a hole-in-one. The salesman or -woman may wear down many pairs of (real or metaphorical) shoes before the results start to show. For this reason, new beginnings require an attention to our inputs ahead of a focus on our outputs or results.

So it is for me as I begin to meditate. Over a period of about six years I have been paying attention to such evidence as I have been able to find, including the testimony of people I have met who meditate on a regular basis. I am already convinced of the benefits of a regular practice of Transcendental Meditation. Still, leaving my initial training programme on Friday, I already know that my first challenge will be to carve out time every day to meditate.

What better test of my resolve than a trip to Dubai, beginning the very next day! I plan ahead of time, deciding to spend half an hour of my taxi journey to the airport “snoozing” and another half an hour on the plane. I calculate the best time to meditate on the plane, leaving a gap between meditations and ahead of the meal that will sustain me through the night. And then, setting my alarm for my first day’s work on Sunday (yes, Sunday begins the working week here in Dubai) I realise that I shall be rising at 2 a.m. UK time. Hey, ho!

I am glad that I am not looking for any immediate results to convince me to continue. It’s enough for me to celebrate these first two days of managing my own meditation practice. I did it! I made time on both days for two meditations a day. I know I am ready to begin this daily practice. To commit.

What is an “alternative approach”?

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Some time ago, I wrote about an experience I had – a session of Emotional Freedom Technique. This was something I hadn’t heard about until my friend Alex started to study it. I chose a new keyword for this posting – Alternative Approaches – and even as I chose the keyword I recognised that this heading begs the simple question: what is an alternative approach? Today, sitting in the lounge at Heathrow Airport, I am taking some time to respond to this question. I offer no prior research – simply an opinion.

As I understand it, the word “alternative” when applied to all sorts of approaches, is used as an alternative to “mainstream”. The primary issue here seems to be one of acceptance: is an approach accepted. This in turn begs the question: who by? I think of questions of power – would it be true to say that mainstream approaches are those approaches which are recognised by those sections of society which are most powerful? However, the question of what constitutes power is a subtle one. Instead, I opt to describe the mainstream as a tide of culture which is in some way recognised and endorsed.

It’s easy, when discussing alternative and mainstream approaches, to jump to the conclusion that those approaches which are seen as mainstream are those which scientists have tested and endorsed. There is much to discuss here and much to dispute. In the field of leadership in which I work, one approach that has passed into the mainstream via academic research is the use of competencies to identify those characteristics which differentiate the most outstanding leaders. Whilst this approach is largely taken for granted now, it was originally an alternative to the prevailing idea that testing for IQ (intelligence quota) was the best way to recruit for leadership potential. It was the research of David McClelland and his colleagues which showed this widely accepted (“mainstream”) approach to be based on assumptions which were, in fact, inaccurate. Because of McClelland’s research, testing for competencies, still an alternative approach 30 years ago, has gradually become mainstream.

At the same time, scientists can be blind to evidence when it does not fit prior theories or when they struggle to explain it. Fresh from participating in a training in Transcendental Meditation (TM) I am struck by an anecdote which I had heard prior to attending the training and which I heard again whilst I was there. Some years ago, a large group of meditators spent some time meditating in Washington D.C. with the express aim of reducing crime rates. The Chief of Police was highly sceptical, predicting that it would take six feet of snow to have this effect. Still, the scientists who had been lined up to study the data had to concede that yes, crime rates did go down. A paper was written but only published some time after the event in a peer-reviewed journal, accompanied by a rather apologetic addendum. The research that supports the use of Transcendental Meditation to achieve all sorts of positive outcomes is now extensive. Has it (as yet) become a mainstream approach? No.

In what sense then, do I use the term “alternative approach” on this blog? I aim to use it entirely without prejudice, recognising the many and varied approaches that can make a difference in people’s lives. Perhaps an underlying belief that I hold, which may mark me out from the mainstream, is that far more is possible than we often imagine. The myriad of approaches available to us serve to highlight – should we choose to be aware – just what possibilities exist. In this sense, an alternative approach is simply an option and every approach to which I gave airtime on this blog is an option – an alternative approach.

When a missing ‘t’ makes all the difference

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There was a time in my life when I became known as “Dorothy Nesbit-with-one-t”. For when the majority of people add a ‘t’ to your name that doesn’t belong, why would you not spare them from being corrected by providing guidance ahead of time?

Today, it is a missing ‘t’ that made the difference between meditation and mediation. Yes, meditation, mediation, meditation… it’s all in the ‘t’. For as I write, I am anticipating with a great sense of excitement taking part in a three-day training programme in transcendental meditation, beginning on Wednesday. This has been a long time coming – I booked it months ago. When I mentioned it today in an e-mail to a colleague, she asked me if I had any recommendations for training in mediation – that missing ‘t’! As it happens, I do have some thoughts from the sidelines.

Mediation has as its aim to resolve disputes between parties. Sometimes, this is a way of finding a way forward without going to court. Some people see mediation as a way to reach a compromise, with everything that this word implies: “if I give you x, will you give me y?” The result can be a pale shadow of the outcomes that either party yearned for, even whilst carrying the title “agreement”.

In my view, mediation at its best goes beyond surface demands to understand the deep needs each party brings. Perhaps the business partner who has asked for a 60% payback when his partner insists on selling the business is really wanting recognition for the contribution he has made. Or maybe he wants to express his hurt or anger that his partner has taken a unilateral decision to sell. Perhaps the mother who argues for full custody of her children after her husband has left her is anxious that her now ex-husband will fail to care appropriately for their children if he is granted joint custody. Or maybe she wants understanding for the pain she feels and for which she is holding her husband responsible. When we understand our own deep needs and those of the person with whom we are in dispute we are already nine 10ths of the way towards finding ways in which the needs of both parties can be amicably met.

So, whilst not being an expert in mediation, I offer as a starting point the reading of Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life. Understanding nonviolent communication or ‘NVC’ is, in my view, an essential foundation for effective mediation. The Center for Nonviolent Communication also offers training in mediation (see http://www.cnvc.org/ under Conflict Resolution).

Preparing heart and mind for a time of recession

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In recent weeks, it seems that every time I speak with a coaching colleague, they ask: ‘Are you noticing a downturn in your business?’ For a while, I was able to take a detached view – my business is holding up and I know from past experience that businesses, as they reshape for leaner times, need fitter leaders. There are opportunities for me in this market as well as challenges.

So, stepping back to take a larger view, I have been wondering about the questions the recession brings. What learnings does this recession point to for us – as individuals, for our organisations, for our economic and social models? Who or what do we want our economy to serve – and do we know? In what way, is the recession just the feedback that we need right now?

Still, increasingly, the recession is coming closer to home. One client organisation – for whom I am not currently doing any work – let me know last week that they are drawing their executive coaching to a close forthwith. My sessions with clients are peppered with talk of the impact of the recession on their businesses. Soon, questions of how to lead their organisations through the teeth of the recession will be top of the agenda for at least some of my clients.

Whilst for some, questions of survival have already started to kick in, I prefer to ask ‘How can I prosper during this time, no matter what?’ Henry Allingham, 112 years old and Britain’s oldest surviving veteran of World War I, gave his own answer in last weekend’s Observer Magazine. He described how he has never worried – not even in the great depression of the 1930s.

Perhaps another way to prosper during this time is to take a close look at our relationship with money – not only at the financial commitments we have made in our lives but also at the way we think and feel about money. Surely, this places Lynne Twist’s wise book The Soul of Money at the top of our reading lists right now. With its wonderful subtitle, Transforming Your Relationship with Money and Life, it delivers what it promises.

Coaching: when talking brings perspective

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My work is mainly with leaders in senior positions. Often, in our work together, our focus is on developing the emotional intelligence and leadership capability clients need to engage their full capability and motivation – and that of their staff. Whatever agenda a client brings, though, life often throws up areas of exploration that aren’t in the plan. This was true a few months back for one of my clients, who is General Manager in his company. He told me:

“Having worked with you in 2004 it seemed natural to make contact when I decided to work with a coach again.

“Because of my previous experience I had a belief that there would be a big benefit from working together and even so, my goals were exceeded. As a result of our work together I have become more centred and focused on what I want to achieve. I have more idea about how to forward plan for myself, because now I see what I want to do. I also have a clear framework for self-development and I’ve got several strands of self-development started.

“Around Easter time I had a personal crisis. Being able to talk it through with you meant I got it into perspective. I could have ended up with a marriage breakdown and my family falling apart. But now I have the exact opposite. I have strong family relationships, and the future is bright. I’ve had benefits in my current role, too, even though this has not been our main area of focus.

“Coaching has been a process for evaluating and improving all aspects of my life in a fulfilling way. In this second lot of coaching, I’ve got to the point faster and have more self belief. I have much better recognition of my own strengths. The major thing is, I think differently. I’ve especially learnt the power of talking to someone about any aspect of your life – it brings perspective. Because of this, I have no plan to end our coaching partnership”.

As I share this testimonial with you, I am grateful to my client for his willingness to share. I am also aware of the sense of privilege that comes from working in close partnership in ways which benefit my clients, the organisations they work for and the people with whom they live and work.

I also extend an invitation to you: if this testimonial describes an experience you would like to have, or if you know someone who may be interested to work with me, please contact me directly via dorothy@learningforlifeconsulting.co.uk.

Armistice Day: a day to remember the future

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Today is Armistice Day. Ninety years after the end of the war known as World War I we still remember.

My thoughts today are wide-ranging. I think of the small number of men who still live to remember this war, men whose ages break records. I think of the day when, rehearsing to sing in the Flanders Festival in Gent on September 11, 2001, the modern technology of the mobile phone brought the creeping news, mid rehearsal, of the destruction of New York’s Twin Towers. Still in shock, our performance that evening of Verdi’s Requiem was sombre. I think of the Germans of my generation who, born years after the Second World War ended, have been taught to bear a sense of responsibility for the acts of their countrymen – whilst I, in England, have not. I think of the beauty – paradoxical perhaps – of many poems written following the First World War and of Britten’s War Requiem. I think of Sebastian Faulks’ novel, Birdsong, which, more than any other experience I had had prior to reading it, gave me a visceral sense of the experiences of those young men who fought in the trenches in World War I. I think of the men and women who, whether willingly or not, have given their lives, their limbs and so much more in war.

I feel moved to write and still, I wonder where to focus my attention. Until slowly the thought surfaces: what is it that we want for our future? I think of hopes nurtured for many, many years – only last week Barack Obama’s election as first black President of the United States of America gave birth to a hope fulfilled for people – black and white – all over the world.

What then, of those who nurture the hope that we may, one day, live in peace together on this earth? I take a moment to sit with this hope, to cherish it. One day.

Coaching presuppositions 5: Trying on a presupposition for a day

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In recent weeks, I have been taking time on my blog to explore what it takes to develop a coaching mindset. Having offered some of the presuppositions that can support leaders in developing a coaching style of leadership I went on to offer some exercises for building awareness – of our own presuppositions, of the presuppositions of others.

Today, I offer an exercise to support readers in developing new presuppositions. The exercise is very simple – to “try on” a new presupposition for a day. This could be a presupposition from my October 2008 postings. This could be a presupposition of your own choosing – one that tests you in some way. In times of challenge for example, how about presupposing that your experience is especially designed for your learning, growth and future success?

Choose a presupposition that you’d like to try on for a day. Assuming that your chosen presupposition is true, notice what different thoughts you have and what different actions you take – and with what different outcomes. Take time at the end of the day to reflect on your experiences. Take time with your study partner (if you have one) to explore your experiences and to notice what learning they offer.

Welcoming a world that’s different in the morning

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As I write, the full and final results of the American presidential election have yet to be declared. And still, one thing is certain: the victory that, tonight, made Barack Obama President Elect of the United States of America was decisive. Nor could anyone doubt the significance – for African Americans, for the United States of America, for the world – of America’s election of her first African American president.

The road to this election victory has been long and uncertain. It’s not just that the contest between Obama and Hillary Clinton was hard won. It’s not just that Obama’s victory over John McCain could not be taken for granted. Speaking for the first time as President Elect, Obama tonight highlighted the life experience of one of America’s oldest voters, Anne Nixon Cooper. At 106 years of age, Nixon Cooper was born in an era in which, as a woman, and as a woman of colour, she did not have the right to vote. Reflecting on the extraordinary arc of change in her lifetime, it’s interesting to note that she had reached her mid 60s before, in 1968, America’s African American citizens were granted the right to vote. Many black people – perhaps many who turned out in record numbers to vote at this election – did not dare to believe they would get to see an African American president in their lifetime.

A word must go at this time to John McCain. Combative in his election campaign, there was nothing to draw me to him as future president of the US of A. Still, in his concession speech, his congratulations to Obama “on becoming the president of the country we both love” were clearly heartfelt. His wish to find ways to come together was sincere. Seeing for the first time the love McCain has for his country, hearing him recognise the historical significance for African American citizens of this result (“Let there be no reason now for any American to fail to cherish their citizenship of this country”), witnessing his determination to find ways to come together with his political colleagues of both parties, I felt a respect for McCain which his election campaign had failed to engender. I salute him.

Some acknowledgement must also go to the task ahead. As Obama said tonight, “Victory is not the change itself, it’s the chance to make that change”. It was clear from his words that he is fully aware of the scale of the task that lies ahead. Perhaps, too, he was asking the American people to recognise the scale of the task ahead. Even with the significant mandate granted Obama by the American people, there will be work to do.

For now though, I celebrate the election of America’s 44th – and first African American – president. I also celebrate the love shown tonight by both John McCain and Barack Obama, believing this to be a great force for good in the world. As certain as tonight’s election result had become by the time of this election, the deep wave of emotion I felt as Barack Obama walked onto the platform to speak reflects the great historical significance of this moment – for all the world. Because of this result, the world will be different in the morning.