Up against conflict? Graceful ways to ease your path

Emotional Intelligence
Do you really want it to come to this?

I am back now from a wonderful time at Oxon Hoath in Kent.  My break was deeply restful though I have come back to a busy time, including coaching on Sunday in Harley Street.  It is early days for the Sunday Coaching Clinic and still, I notice how I have been scanning for patterns in what my clients are bringing to our sessions.  I have been wondering what clients will bring that is different from those clients whose coaching is funded by their employing organisations and there are indeed differences as well as similarities.  One theme has popped up which spans both our personal and professional lives – conflict.

Maybe you have some experience of conflict.  It could be the kind of nitty gritty conflict that is part of the day-to-day experience of living together.  (“When will you actually get round to doing the thing you promised to do – moving the lawn/clearing the garage/fixing the shelf etc.?”).  It can be the kind of interpersonal conflict that bedevils both our intimate and our professional relationships (“I wish you’d show some appreciation for the things I do for you!”).  For one client, recently, it was the kind of conflict that can arise at work when two people who both have a role in a project have different ideas about how it should be run (“I thought you had agreed to wait until our meeting so that we could make a decision together, but you’ve gone right ahead and I think what you’ve done is a big mistake!”).

Equally, you may also recognise the roller-coaster of emotions that can come when you are in conflict rather than collaboration.  Perhaps you feel anxious about the consequences of speaking up – worried about how you might be seen, about rocking an already unsteady boat, about fuelling the fire…  Perhaps you feel frustrated by the actions of your partner or colleague – you know you’re on a short fuse and your anger is easily triggered.  Perhaps you feel resentment when you think of the role this other person has played or of the actions you have taken that just aren’t being taken into account.  There’s a risk of conflict and an unproductive conflict at that.

Over the years, I have observed people who manage conflict well and notice how many of them head off conflict a long time in advance.  Today, I thought I’d share just some of the things I have seen them do, in case for you, too, they offer some graceful ways to ease your path:

  • Focus on who wants what:  Some people talk of “needs” and others of “interests”.  This is about getting under the skin of strategies (the “how to” of getting things done) and understanding why a particular approach is important.  This is about empathy and applies as much to you as it does to the other person.  Why do you want to move faster or to slow down?  Why does your colleague want to invite views from John and Gerhardt when you would prefer to seek input from Chris and Faisal?  If you can understand your own needs and the needs of others, you can start to generate ways forward in which everyone’s needs will be met;
  • Reach clear agreements about roles and who will do what:  Conflict can arise when roles or decision-making are unclear.  It can help to agree roles, how you will work together and who will do what.  This can be true in your personal relationships as much as it is at work.  If you’re unhappy that you’re always the person who handles the household bills, for example, then you need to say so – and to make a request of your partner or spouse that would meet your needs more fully.  If you don’t like it that your colleague keeps taking unilateral actions, then it can help to discuss what decisions need to be taken jointly so that you can both feel confident about the progress of a project or initiative;
  • Explain your reasoning and test your assumptions:  It’s easy to assume that your own logic is an example of some universal truth and to assume others will naturally understand your thinking.  It’s also easy to interpret what others say based on your own way of thinking.  This is where misunderstandings occur.  Over the years, I’ve observed how explaining your reasoning and testing your understanding of others’ reasoning helps to head off misunderstandings before they’ve even happened and to smooth a path to a solution that works all round.  “Want to recruit more people like James?  I’m concerned that if we do that without any way of knowing who is bringing in most sales, we may recruit people who are not the most effective – that’s why I want to introduce more effective monitoring before using James (and others like him) as the basis for modelling the behaviours we want to recruit to”.  “When you say ‘stop badgering me’, I’m wondering if you want to know that I’m making a request rather than giving you an order.  Is that right?”
  • Tailor your approach based on what you know of the other person:  I’ve seen people’s effectiveness in influencing others and heading off conflict improve dramatically when they start to speak the language of the person they’re talking to.  You may want to secure a quality of work that will meet the goals for your process improvement but if your boss wants speed, you need to talk the language of speed.  If your colleague wants value for money… you get the gist.  This is about framing a problem or issue in language you know the other person can actually hear;
  • Influence indirectly:  If your conflict – or potential conflict – is with Graham, the answer may be to step back and look at the wider picture.  Who does Graham listen to and why?  These are people you need to get on board.  Which other stakeholders are important?  Talk to them all.  I have seen many skilful influencers go into meetings knowing precisely who thinks what and how likely it is that their proposal will be accepted.  This gives them the opportunity to shape their proposal and present it to gain maximum support.  At home, the same people think about what their spouse or partner really needs and how to engage others to support their partner in meeting their needs without placing themselves in the role of saviour;
  • Take time over important issues – and know the limitations of what’s possible:  Sometimes, you need to know what’s possible now and what might be possible later.  That way you won’t try to force an issue ahead of others’ readiness to hear you.  Equally, for as long as someone is immoveable in adopting a particular position, trying to force them along another route may exacerbate conflict and increase stress.  In this latter case, your question may be “Given that X is true, what’s the right decision for me to take right now?”  X could be anything from a statement from your partner that she’s just not willing to move so that you can take on another new job to the recognition that your boss, because he isn’t yet up to speed with social media, is not going to fund a project to increase your company’s presence in places (Twitter etc.) where your core customer base hangs out.  In this case, recognising what is frees energy up and allows you to take informed decisions.

If you’re trying to navigate conflict right now, I invite you to reflect on these strategies and to try just one or two that might work for you in your current situation.

Please let me know how you get on.

When it’s time for a break

Developing as a leader
I’m away this week.
I haven’t gone far.  Together with my dear friend Andy, I have gone to Oxon Hoath in Kent, where we will spend the week catching up (Andy lives in Sydney now, so there’s lots of catching up to do), doing gentle yoga practice, meditating, eating the wonderful food that will be prepared for us (hopefully by chef Paul Smith – he’s a favourite of mine), listening to talks by Alistair Shearer (another favourite of mine) and walking around the beautiful countryside that surrounds the house.
I won’t be checking my e-mails (OK, maybe enough to clear out any junk and catch anything urgent).
I won’t be taking any calls.
Probably, I won’t even be thinking of my clients.
I won’t be writing any blog postings (this one has been written in advance).
I won’t be looking at ‘to do’ lists, let alone adding anything to them or ticking anything off.
I won’t be sending any invoices or chasing for payment.
I won’t be paying my suppliers.
The list goes on and on…
It’s not, though, that these things don’t matter to me.  They matter a great deal.  Instead, it’s because I know that, if I am to be present to my clients and able to support them, I need also to take care of my needs for rest, nurture, companionship and more.  It’s because my needs are met and my heart is full that I am able to give so much to others.
I hope that you, too, are taking a break some time.
   

Seven steps towards taming your inner critic (and one sure fire way not to)

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence,

Have you noticed how, just when you’re trying to muster a bit of confidence, your inner critic steps in and pulls the rug right out from under your feet?

Perhaps you’ve just started a new job – you’ve had a promotion or moved to a new company.  You’re doing your best to focus on how to succeed in the job and all the while, your inner critic is telling you that you don’t have what it takes, with full and vivid detail of the reasons you’re unlikely to succeed.

Or maybe you’ve taken on new responsibilities at work – they’re everything you’ve been campaigning for and you know you have everything you need to deliver and still, your inner critic is ready to wade in the minute you get what you want with objections and concerns.

It seems there’s no end to the situations in which your inner critic can find fault.  Some are in your professional life and some are in your personal life.  What’s worse, it seems that the closer you come to realising your goals, the more the voice of your inner critic is amplified.  At times, it’s so overwhelming that you’re paralysed with fear and you wonder if you’ve made the right decision.  Maybe you’ve already started to look for the sign marked “exit”.

One common approach to taming your inner critic… and why it doesn’t work

Over the years of dancing with my own inner critic and of working with clients, I have found that the most common approach to taming your inner critic simply doesn’t work.

What’s the approach?  Put simply, it’s to dismiss the concerns of your inner critic – and maybe your inner critic him- or herself – using every means at your disposal.  One way is to use rational persuasion (“You say I can’t do X but I did X last week and it worked really well”).  One way is to dismiss your inner critic with anger, hatred and disdain (“Why won’t you leave me alone?  I’m not listening to you!  You talk such rubbish!”*)  When I ask clients how well these strategies are working for them they tell me, without exception, that they’re not.

Why not?  The answer is simple.  Your inner critic is a guardian for you of particular needs.  The more you ignore your inner critic, the more he or she fears that your needs will not be met… and the more s/he turns up the volume to make sure s/he gets heard.

If you can’t go to battle with your inner critic and win, you may find that the only alternative you can find is a sense of inner collapse.  In this state, you wonder if you really should have taken on the job, you tell yourself you’re bound to fail, you find no way forward.

There is though, a way forward.  You simply need to take a different approach.

Seven steps towards taming your inner critic

Even when the voice of your inner critic is overwhelming, there are ways to move beyond fear to achieve an inner calm.  These are seven steps towards “taming your inner critic”:

  • Step 1, step outside and say hello:  Have you ever noticed how, when your inner critic is active, his thoughts are your thoughts?  His fears are yours?  Especially when you’re feeling overwhelmed, it can help to step out of being the inner critic.  Step out of your inner critic – stand up and shake yourself down, for example, leaving your inner critic behind on the chair.  Or hold out your hand and look at your inner critic – and take a moment to say hello.  Your hello is a way of recognising your inner critic and engaging in dialogue;
  • Step 2, get curious:  Far too often, when you do battle with your inner critic, you lose sight of an important principle – that she loves you and wants to do you good.  Your relationship with your inner critic starts to transform when you start to really understand what she wants for you, so ask her!  Keep asking (“what is it that you really want for me?”) until you get under the skin of particular strategies (“I want you to say no to the job”) to the baseline need she is trying to protect.  This is usually about safety, security… she wants to keep you safe;
  • Step 3, acknowledge your needs:  When you dismiss your inner critic, you arouse his fear that you don’t care about your needs for safety and security so that he redoubles his efforts to protect you.  It helps to let him know that you, too, want to be safe.  No ifs or buts – just let him know that for you, too, safety matters;
  • Step 4, say thank you:  Take time to thank your inner critic for her good intentions.  Thank her for being the guardian of your safety and security throughout your life.  If this sticks in your throat it may help to separate in your mind her good intentions and her ways of trying to meet your needs – there’s no harm in saying that you’ve really struggled with her way of supporting you and still, you’re beginning to understand how much she has always meant well;
  • Step 5, notice his skills:  Your inner critic brings a great deal of skill to the task of taking care of you.  When you try to dismiss him, you’re likely to dismiss his skills… his ability to think ahead and to see all the potential pitfalls, his imagination in conjuring safe alternatives.  The more you notice and acknowledge these skills, the more you can begin to see how it might be helpful to have these skills on your team and to collaborate with your inner critic;
  • Step 6, share with her your other needs:  Your inner critic may be the guardian of your safety and security but you also have other needs – the kind of needs you meet when you take on a promotion, or new responsibilities or, in your personal life, embark on a new relationship or take on a bigger mortgage.  It’s never your needs that are in conflict – only the strategies by which you seek to meet them.  So, when your inner critic has been heard, she may be ready to hear you.  Let her know what other needs you want to meet – over the years, clients have talked about freedom, autonomy, self-fulfilment, intimacy and many more;
  • Step 7, invite collaboration:  When you are confident that you have heard your inner critic’s need for security and that your inner critic has also heard your wider needs, ask him if he would be willing to collaborate so that you find ways to meet all your needs.  When you hear a yes, you have reached a point of departure – a moment where creativity begins.  At this point, you have moved from struggle into a creative embrace of “how can we collaborate to make sure all our needs are met?”

In truth, these steps are not so much about “taming your inner critic” as about building a different relationship with the guardian of your safety and security.  And it is a relationship rather than a once-and-for-all way to rid yourself of fear.  One implication is this – that the more you learn to engage in constructive dialogue with your inner critic, the more you can work with him or her to balance your need for safety with other needs.

(*And in case you’re reading this and looking over your shoulder – pretending you don’t talk to yourself in this way – well, I want to let you know that in my experience, we all do.  Healthy people have a rich inner community of parts, including their inner critic.)

When does your inner critic shout the loudest?  And what has worked best to help you to move out of overwhelm and into inner calm?

Making the transition from expert in your field to leader

Developing as a leader
Recently, I spoke with a client who is struggling to make the transition from being an expert in his field to effectively leading others.  It is a common challenge for people who, in the beginning of their careers, have invested time and effort to develop their mastery of their chosen field – the law, engineering, IT, accounting… the list of such jobs is long.

Perhaps you are already familiar with this transition and all its challenges.  You’ve invested significantly in developing your skills.  You know what you need to do in a given situation in your field.  Now, though, you have staff to manage and instead of doing everything yourself, your primary role is to help members of your team to deliver.

Why is it so challenging to move from expert to leader?

I don’t want to understate the challenges that come with making this transition.

Firstly, you were so good at being an expert.  Of course you were!  You invested years in developing the skills and knowledge that made you an expert in the first place.  Now, as a leader, you recognise that you face many situations in which you don’t know what to do and in which, what’s more, the connection between what you do and what transpires seems increasingly tenuous – outside your control.  You try something – and you do try – and it doesn’t work.  You make the case for the next level of investment in your team and it gets turned down.  You delegate an important project to a member of your team and it doesn’t quite turn out.  You want to make it work and when it doesn’t your instinct is to withdraw back to the work you do so well.

And yes, there is the whole issue of standards.  It’s all very well trying to achieve results through others – delegating to your team or collaborating with your peers – but sometimes you wonder if anyone’s standards match your own.  How can you do this leadership thing without presiding over the decline of standards?  For surely, when your standards are so much higher than anyone else’s, you have to let them slide a little or drive your team to distraction with your feedback.  As you try to balance allowing people to do things to their own standards and giving feedback you sometimes wonder if it wouldn’t be easier to do things yourself.

You may not notice and still, there’s a third challenge that may be keeping you stuck.  It’s the challenge of embracing a bigger agenda.  As an expert, you were charged with things to do – projects perhaps, case files, bridges to design.  The projects got bigger, they may even have been called “programmes” and still, they were projects.  Now, as a leader, the performance of your team is your task, your project… but there is a risk that you haven’t spotted it yet.  What’s more, there’s a risk that you’ve spotted it and yet, when things get tough, you find it easier to get stuck in to the work of your team because that’s where you know you can succeed.

Making the transition – some “how tos”

How then, can you break the cycle of taking action to move forward, struggling with the results and retreating to your old ways before taking action again?  Here are just a few things that may work for you, because they’ve worked for others in your situation:

  • Remember you’re not alone:  It can feel as though you’re moving from a relatively private success into a hugely public arena of failure when you take your first steps as a leader.  When it does, it helps to stop, breathe and remember – you’re not alone.  You are not the first person to have grappled with this transition and you won’t be the last;
  • Find a reason to stay the course:  For some people, leadership is its own reward.  It comes with all sorts of bells and whistles they have longed for and finally get to play with.  For the expert, leadership can bring a sense of loss or sacrifice – unless you have a compelling reason to make the transition.  Perhaps you realise that you can no longer do everything yourself.  Perhaps there’s a vision you have that you can’t deliver alone.  Whatever your reason, it’s your reason to stay the course – so think about what you’re trying to achieve, especially when you feel the lure of your expertise;
  • Make time to lead:  Especially in your first leadership role, you may struggle to balance your technical contribution to the team with your role as leader and it could go either way.  Is it your leadership agenda that will give way to immediate projects or vice versa?  You choose.  Choose a percentage of your time that you will spend on the larger agenda of leading your team.  Think about when and how you will spend that time.  The more you have made plans to spend time and know what you want to do, the more likely you are to choose to lead;
  • Cut yourself some slack:  In your early days as a leader, it’s unlikely that you will show the same level of skill in your leadership role as you will as an expert.  Perhaps the biggest challenge you face is dancing with the voice of your inner critic.  He or she is vocal enough in your area of expertise but, hey!  s/he’s louder still when it comes to your first steps as a leader.  Learning to hear your inner critic without being overwhelmed is a skill in itself – one that’s worthy of at least one posting on this blog (look out for it during the days ahead);
  • Build a support team to help you through:  It may be that you have the best boss in the world  – or wife or husband – who can support you in making this transition.  It’s likely though, that you could do with more help.  Perhaps there are areas in which you need to develop a new kind of expertise – in how to influence others, for example, or how to get the best out of your staff.  It could be that you need new skills in self management.  Your boss, your colleagues, a mentor, a coach… make sure you have all the help you need.

If you’re in the midst of making the transition to leadership, I’d love to here from you:  what is your biggest challenge?  And if you are looking back and thinking “yes, I remember it well…” please share your experiences and especially the lessons that made it possible for you to make the transition from expert to leader. 

Finding perspective and direction

About Dorothy, Clients and testimonials, , ,
photo from the album
The London Symphony Chorus in rehearsal

Over the years, many clients have come to me by referral.  Sometimes, they are referred by people who know me well.  Sometimes clients self-refer.  It is always a particular privilege when someone chooses to ask for help whom I know personally, including friends and family.

Recently, friends and family have been amongst those coming forward to support my new Sunday coaching clinic at 1, Harley Street.  One of them is my dear friend Clare Rowe.  Clare and I met through our membership of the London Symphony Chorus and she had this to say about the times we met in coaching partnership:

“I have made two professional visits only to Dorothy at a time in my life when looking deep into myself needed to be shared – to find perspective and direction –  they were life changing meetings. Dorothy’s gifts of empathy, intelligence and perception allow discovery of self within the context of being human, what more valuable kinship do we require as human beings on our journey together?”

I offer my special thanks to Clare for her willingness to share publicly what her experience of coaching meant to her.

Commissioning coaching? Some contracting essentials

All articles
As a commissioner, you need to make sound choices about coaching
In this posting – published last week in Discuss HR, I want to offer some real basics around HR’s role in commissioning coaching.  So basic, in fact, that I feel slightly nervous about teaching my metaphorical grandmother to suck eggs.  At the same time, as a coach, I’m aware that even the fundamentals can go wrong and want to offer a few pointers.  I also welcome your views and experiences.
What on earth can go wrong?

You know the scenario.  Manager X walks down the corridor to HR and asks for coaching for Employee Y.  Perhaps you hold the budget and you need to manage it judiciously.  Perhaps Manager X holds the budget.  Either way, you are at the beginning of a conversation about coaching.
Now, speaking as a coach, I find it easy and joyful to expound the value of coaching.  In my experience, it often delivers far more than is expected of it – results that go way beyond anything the organisation hoped for when the decision was first taken to invest in coaching for Employee X or Y.  What’s more, over the years, I have found that coaching continues to deliver way after a coaching contract is completed.  Recently, for example, a former coaching client told me that he has been increasingly in demand as a mentor since we completed our work together.  It’s not hard to see how, when someone in a leadership role develops his or her skills, the benefits spread through the organisation and, indeed, continue over time.
Nonetheless, things can go wrong.  For example:
·         Is the right person getting coaching?  It can be a thin line between (i) recognising that an individual’s development needs require more (or different) help than a skilled manager can reasonably be expected to give or (ii) seeing that the manager him- or herself lacks skills in providing appropriate developmental support.  This issue can be compounded if, in HR or L&D, you don’t know how to broach the subject of where coaching will best deliver a benefit to the organisation.  Is it in coaching an employee or his or her manager?
·         Are you clear about what coaching can and can’t deliver?  Many coaches will lay out clearly what coaching can and can’t promise.  Good coaching contracts explain who is responsible for what in the coaching relationship.  This is particularly important because commissioning managers often come to coaching with unrealistic expectations.  Coaching, for example, may support an individual in fulfilling his or her potential in a job.  However, if an individual is fundamentally ill-suited to do a particular job, coaching will not change the fundamental motivation, values or skills-set of the individual.
·         Have you laid out clearly what outcomes you want of or for the coaching client?  In my time as a coach I continue to discover how difficult people find it to be open and honest about their real reasons for commissioning coaching.  I have had one manager describe a potential coaching client as “high potential” in an initial briefing, only to hear them lay out the individual’s multiple failings in an initial three-way meeting with the coaching client.  I have equally seen the reverse:  a manager who shared all sorts of correspondence about the person for whom coaching was being provided and promised – but ultimately failed – to share the “bottom line” in a three-way meeting.
·         Is coaching the right intervention – and if so, how much?  Whenever you commission coaching, you need to consider whether coaching really is the right intervention.  Commission coaching as a proxy for managing under-performing employees, for example, and you give coaching a bad name in your organisation as well as using an expensive tool which may not do the job.  Equally, depending on the needs of the client, coaching may be a poor alternative to therapy, training, mentoring or some other intervention.  Having said this, when coaching is the right tool for the job, you need to be realistic about just how much support an employee may need.  I have sometimes seen organisations hope for miracles in just three months’ of coaching with no contingency for an extension if it’s needed.  Miracles can and do happen in coaching – but not always.
·         What can you reasonably expect to hear about progress in coaching – and who from?  Despite a very clear contractual agreement with clients about confidentiality in coaching, I often field requests for feedback which, were I to give it, would be in breach of my agreement.  Of course it’s entirely reasonable for organisations to want to understand to what extent coaching is providing benefit to the person seeking coaching or addressing concerns raised by the organisation.  At the same time, many employees will feel concerned if they have any sense that a promise of confidentiality in the coaching relationship is not being honoured by their coach or employer.
Some contracting essentials for HR when commissioning coaching

So, what are the areas you need to look at if you want to avoid these and other common pitfalls?  Here are some thoughts from me:
·         Get clear about the full range of help available:  The more you have clarity about the range of support available to an employee and when each one is appropriate, the better able you are to have a discussion with an individual and his or her manager about what support might best meet his or her needs.  Get clear on the full range of alternatives including coaching, therapy, mentoring, training and good, old-fashioned performance management.  Be ready to have a discussion with the person who approaches you to understand his or her desired outcomes and where he wants to get to.  This can provide the basis for discussing coaching as one of a number of alternatives and also for discussing who actually needs the coaching.
·         Select a pool of coaches with whom to work ahead of a specific coaching need:  I have found that clients who are best able to match a coach for a specific coaching assignment have a pool of coaches and know their strengths and areas of interest.  (This could be an article all by itself – so please let me know if you’d like me to write on this subject by leaving a comment below).  Equally, the International Coach Federation recommends to anyone commissioning coaching that they interview at least three coaches and most coaches are glad to meet with a potential coaching client to ensure a good match.  (I would add that, given three good coaches, clients often choose the one they’ve met most recently, so if you want to keep your coaches happy, you’ll mix up the order in which you introduce coaches to potential coaching clients).
·         Make sure you have clear contractual agreements in place – and educate people about your agreements:  A good coaching agreement is realistic about what coaching can and can’t deliver and about who is responsible for what in the coaching relationship.  In my agreements with organisations, for example, I spell out clearly that whilst it’s the organisation that funds the coaching, my client is the person seeking coaching.  I also spell out clearly what information I will and won’t share with an employer.  Equally, given my experiences over the years, I take care to let managers know that I will look to them to share any expectations they have of an employee as part of our initial three-way meeting and will not be filling in any gaps even if I am aware of things that have been left unsaid.  Increasingly I’ve learnt to spell out very clearly that it is for an individual to decide how he or she responds to expectations from his or her manager and to say that if the manager fails to share any expectations they have of the employee, this will have an impact on the potential outcomes from coaching.
·         Be clear – from the beginning – about how you will monitor progress and outcomes from coaching:  Your contractual agreements need to give clarity from the beginning about who will do what to monitor progress and outcomes from coaching.  I include progress meetings in longer contracts and always complete a coaching assignment with a three-way meeting in which I facilitate a discussion between the person seeking coaching and his or her manager about progress.  I also seek to build into an assignment an appropriate approach to feedback given the needs a client has expressed.  For example, I occasionally coach individuals who are designated “high potential” within their organisation and who also have specific development areas.  Where client organisations are willing to fund it (usually for very senior clients), I begin an assignment by gathering feedback through interview to get under the skin of a development need.  It helps to mirror this process at the end of an assignment to see how perceptions have changed.
·         Expect the unexpected:  Reading through this article, I realise there’s one important area to add.  Organisations who are used to using coaching and who use it effectively understand just how much their desired outcome can come in unexpected ways.  This, for example, is the individual who was struggling to perform in a particular role and who discovers, through coaching, just how much he or she yearns to do something quite different.  For watchers of The Voice, this is the dentist who yearns to sing or some equivalent in your organisation.  The truth is that whilst coaching may help someone to excel in a role it may, equally, provide a reality check such that an individual moves between roles or leaves an organisation.  In this case, whilst coaching is commissioned to support someone in getting up to speed in a new job, improved performance comes from recruiting someone better suited to the role.

I suspect this has been my longest article so for DiscussHR and still, I know I have barely scratched the surface of a huge topic.  I’m interested to know what you have taken from this article that’s useful to you.  Equally, I’m interested to know about your experience – what have you done that works for you?

Essential lessons from The Apprentice

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence,
Neil Clough
Fans of the BBC’s Apprentice were glued to the television last night for the interviews.  The gears were shifted from the fun and games of various tasks (a bit like the kind of assessment days I have been involved in over the years in corporate GB) to close scrutiny of candidates and their business plans.
It soon became clear that it wasn’t looking good for the men.  It was hard to see a way out for Jordan Poulton, whose business plan, it emerged, was for a business owned by someone else with whom he had a ‘gentleman’s agreement’.  He was the first to go.  Next, it was Neil Clough, who continued to maintain that his business plan could work despite clear feedback to the contrary from Lord Sugar’s advisers.  Finally, it was Francesca MacDuff-Varley whose spirited performance could not disguise her lack of business savvy.
Of the three candidates to leave this week, none was as hard to let go as Neil Clough, who has looked like a potential winner from the beginning.  As he sometimes does, Lord Sugar expressed his regret at having to say goodbye to him.  On The Apprentice‘s sister (or should I say brother..?) programme, The Apprentice:  You’re Fired, he said that “Neil’s greatest flaw is his inability to listen to sound advice”.  In a way, it doesn’t even matter whether or not the advice was sound – Neil was unable to adjust his approach for any reason.  It could be that listening to sound advice was indeed where it was at.  Equally, it could be that recognising that the people with the power and the ear of Lord Sugar had a view which was different from his own should have been enough to have Neil thinking about how to adapt.
For me, the important issue was not that Neil was unable to listen to sound advice.  No.  The important issue was this:  why was Neil unable to listen to sound advice?  We already knew, before last night’s episode, that Neil saw the death of his father when he was just 18 years old as a defining experience – this is something he shared in an impassioned speech on the business away-day task.  What struck me last night, though, was Neil’s need to succeed in order not to let his father down – or his wife and children, come to that.  To put it another way, Neil’s personal need to succeed – linked to his experience of losing his father – was such that he couldn’t let go of his faith in his business plan, for who would he be then?  There was, simply, too much at stake.  And maybe to put it yet another way, Neil had conflated separate issues (the death of his father, his desire to live up to his father’s expectations, his success on The Apprentice and no doubt more besides).  If you can’t separate your feelings about a past event from what’s happening today you will, at times, act in ways which are not good for you or your business.
Now, please don’t get me wrong.  Our most personal experiences can be a great force for good.  How many charities are borne out of grief and loss which successfully address injustices or provide much-needed support?  How many great leaders are fuelled by the desire to right some wrong or heal some injustice?  To bring this right up to date, I think of Andy Murray’s recent Wimbledon win and its potential to heal the deep sense of loss and emotional scars of the community of Dunblane.  Perhaps the word ‘heal’ is the important word here.  The desire for healing can be a force for good both for an individual and for those whose lives they touch, within business or without.  At the same time, the failure to bring healing where it’s needed can lead to behaviours in the workplace which are dysfunctional both for the individual and for the business.  For me, more than anything else, last night’s episode of The Apprentice shone a light on Neil’s deep need for healing from the painful, early loss of his father.
Neil, in case you’re reading this, I want to express my wish for you.  I hope that you come to understand one day that, no matter what your father wished for you when he was alive, you do not have to be better than anyone else or to succeed every time in order to do your loved ones justice… nor indeed, in order to be loved.  I hope you find self-acceptance such that you can see yourself more fully, knowing that the occasional failures that will beset you take nothing away from who you are.  Indeed, I trust that by developing a deep sense of self-acceptance you will uncover the fullness of your strengths as much as you are able to see and embrace your weaknesses and your failures.
And to others who read this posting I would like to add that  if you see something of Neil in yourself I want to reach out to you, too.  Let your experiences be a force for healing for you and for others – a force for good in the world.

Making life-altering decisions with ease and confidence

Clients and testimonials, ,

As the news spreads that I am now offering a Sunday coaching clinic in Harley Street, I have been touched by people’s willingness to offer help and support.  A number of people have written, unbidden, testimonials on my Facebook page.  Each one of them is dear to my heart, because I know how much difference it can make to work with someone in coaching partnership.

The testimonial below is is especially dear to me because it comes from friend and colleague Steve Mattus, who is a fellow student with Mark Silver at the Heart of Business.  (I could easily go into a rave about Mark Silver at this point… suffice it to say that good people succeed not only because they have products or services to offer which are of value but also because they find a way to reach those people for whom what they offer is really beneficial.  Mark Silver is someone I value highly in the help he provides to people like me as we seek to share our offering with the people we are best suited to help.)

Through my work with Mark, it’s also been a great pleasure to form a Mastermind Group (we have come to think of it as our Wisemind Group) with Steve Mattus, Marc Otto and Melanya Helene.  Our regular calls are a source of mutual inspiration, support and safety… a place where we can share our doubts and fears, our challenges and our woes, as well as a place where we can celebrate successes and plan for the future.  Steve was one of the first people to write on my Facebook page and has kindly given me permission to share his comments here, too:

Dorothy, I’m thrilled to see you stepping out, waving your flag and offering the gift of your craft to the public.  You have made a huge, positive impact on my life, in the midst of the most challenging of circumstances.

You’ve helped me get crystal clear regarding what’s really going on in my heart and mind so I could make life-altering decisions with ease and confidence.  You help me notice the subtleties in my experience, and teach me how to relate to them so I can resolve blocks and eliminate what’s keeping me stuck.  All the while, you’re helping me make sure I’m taking care of me, my heart and soul.  This allows me to show up in my life, work and with family with deep integrity and authenticity, making life flow with much greater ease.

Thank you for helping me release my struggle, and replace it with joy.

Steve Mattus
My thanks, to Steve, too, for sharing.

Focussing on what is essential

Clients and testimonials, Developing as a leader, , ,
Sometimes, a question in coaching can hit the nail on the head

Over the years, working with men and women in leadership roles, I’ve often found that, beneath the surface agenda – whatever that might be – lie questions of personal and professional well-being.  The issue may not be, for example, how can you improve your performance in this job?  Instead, there may be a calling to another role which is being ignored and which, still, seeks to be acknowledged and explored.  Or perhaps, behind questions of professional excellence lie questions of personal happiness – of work/life balance, of priorities outside of work which are being ignored… you get the drift.

Sometimes, clients bring issues which are wholly practical, such as how to reflect their skills, experience and accomplishments in a CV in ways which make it more likely they will be invited to interview.  Often, even the most practical questions reveal broader and deeper questions which are waiting to be explored.  There is, after all, little benefit to be had in getting a first interview for a job to which you are wholly unsuited.  Equally, in the kind of challenging times we live in at the moment, clients risk grasping for the job they think they can easily attract at the expense of thinking through how best they contribute or what it is they really yearn to do.

The underlying question is this:  who am I?  The more we build a life which is rooted in the firm foundations of knowing who we are (and who we are becoming) the more we are able to build a life which is a gift to ourselves and to others.  This is a life in which we can feel comfortable and congruent, and which becomes the means by which we find meaning and make a difference in the world.

Last week, when I announced the beginning of a Sunday coaching clinic at the Lewis Clinic in Harley Street, it was these issues that I had in mind.  I am seeing the Lewis Clinic as a place where people can work with me who want to focus on questions of personal and professional well-being away from their place of work.  Some of them will be those I already work with – leaders who want to take the hard work out of achieving results.  Perhaps there will be others, too – people for whom questions of personal or professional well-being are uppermost.

In the few days since I first started to share news of the Sunday coaching clinic, I have been heartened by the response of a wide variety of people.  One of them is a dear friend who also commissioned a coaching session at a time when she was considering her forward path.  She responded immediately when I sent her my news – “compelled to reply” – and offered the following testimonial.  You’ll also find it on LinkedIn and on my Facebook page for the clinic:

“I met with Dorothy at a time when I was wondering about taking a sabbatical.  I was concerned that time out would ‘damage my career’.  After only one consultation, I had clarified my needs, and planned a course of action.  Six months on, I’ve not only had a wonderfully enriching sabbatical, but the type of work coming through is more fulfilling.  I can wholeheartedly recommend Dorothy for her compassion, insight and unparalleled skill in focusing on what is essential.”

Marietta
Special Occupational Therapist, London

I want to finish by saying how grateful I am to those clients who share their feedback with me in private and, on occasions like this, with others who may also benefit from an investment in coaching.

Harley Street – reaching out for your help to get started

Coaching
Follow this link to find out about Sunday Coaching

On Wednesday, I announced on this blog that, beginning on 14th July, 2013, I shall be offering coaching at the Lewis clinic, 1, Harley Street, on Sundays.  My lead time – from my first announcement to my first clinic –  is short and I know I can’t do this all by myself.  I’ve been overwhelmed by offers of help.

Now, I must confess, I’m learning relatively late in time just how to ask for help and what to ask for.  It’s an ability I cherish all the more for being hard won.  I’ve also noticed just how much I love it when one person’s need meets another person’s natural gifts and warm heart.  I love it when I can do something easily for someone that makes a huge difference to them.  I love it when someone does something for me with ease and joy that supports me in a timely way.

So, I’ve been asking friends, family, colleagues and clients to help me get up and running with the Lewis Clinic.  I have made some very specific requests and, well, I’ve been deeply touched by their responses.  Here are the requests I’ve made – in case you can help and also in case they inspire you, too, to reach out for just the help and support you most need right now:

  • If you’re on Facebook, please follow this link and ‘like’ this page.  You’ll see details of any announcements I make and your friends will also see that you’ve liked the clinic.  I notice how much it has gladdened my heart just to see how many people have been willing to do this.  I am enjoying the sense of community – for me and for others – that is starting to build on this page;
  • I’ve made it financially very easy for anyone who wants coaching right now to become a client with a ‘pay what you want’ special offer which you’ll find on my Facebook page.  Maybe this is something that’s perfect for you right now.  Maybe you know someone else to whom this might be of interest.  One friend was so excited about this opportunity that she contacted two people she knows for whom it might be timely to let them know about the offer.  A client gave my details to someone who might be able to refer people to the Coaching Clinic on a regular basis – and, I should add, vice versa;
  • A third request I’ve made is for comments and testimonials from people who know me – and my coaching skills – well.  I know that some people who have read this blog on a regular basis have also become great supporters.  If you feel moved to say a few words by way of recommendation to potential clients, please do.  These could range from ‘congratulations, Dorothy, this is a great way for you to offer your skills in the world’ to ‘I really benefitted from coaching with Dorothy and I would really recommend the Coaching Clinic to anyone who would like help and support’.

I look forward to hearing from you and receiving your love and support.  Equally, I wonder what support could you request of others right now that would make your life easier or more joyful?