Choosing to choose

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, , ,

Writing my newsletter, I include choosing to choose as one aspect of demonstrating resilience in hard times:

Choosing the way we view the current recession is just one aspect of choosing to choose. Whilst some people look outside of themselves for change – looking to other people to make changes or for a change in circumstances – others focus on the choices they can make themselves.

Psychologist Julian B. Rotter coined the now familiar term internal locus of control to describe the way some people make choices. He noticed that those people who have an internal locus of control believe that events result primarily from their own actions and behaviour. They tend to develop a better mastery of their own behaviour and to assume their efforts will be successful. Rotter also noted that people with a high internal locus of control are more likely than others to seek information and knowledge about their situation and to engage in political behaviour.

In the world of coaching, choosing to choose has become known as being at choice or even being at cause. Over time, the habit of choosing to choose is like building a muscle. Whilst some people are unaware of the extent to which their life is determined by their own choices, Carl knows that life is the sum of all his choices: the more he builds the muscle of choosing to choose, the more he becomes “match fit” and ready to thrive no matter what.

What if you want to test the extent to which you are choosing to choose? What if you want to build your choosing to choose muscle? I offer the following exercise, which I have adapted from an exercise Marshall Rosenberg shares in his CD set Nonviolent Communication: Create Your Life, Your Relationships and Your World in Harmony With Your Values. It has four simple steps:

  • Step 1: Write a list of all the things you do because you believe you have to. Keep writing for as long as it takes to identify everything you do from a sense of obligation or duty;
  • Step 2: Replace the language “I have to” with “I choose to” at the beginning of every sentence. To do this may stimulate some discomfort in you! At the same time, if you want to choose to choose, this step will help you to recognise that you are already choosing;
  • Step 3: Take time to review this list, asking yourself what needs of yours you are meeting by choosing to do those things that are on your list. You can expect different actions to meet different needs. At the same time, you may find patterns that are worth noticing;
  • Step 4: For each action on your list, make a new choice that fully meets your needs. In some cases, this may be a case of choosing the same action from a renewed sense of your reason for doing it. In these cases, you can expect to feel better about taking your chosen action because you understand how it meets your needs. In some cases, you may decide not to do something you were doing because it doesn’t meet your needs. In this case you can feel better about making a choice that works for you – though you may have to accept that other people may not enjoy your choices.

Owning our choices presents all sorts of challenges. Sometimes, it’s easier to assign responsibility for our actions to another person, to “duty” or to some impersonal force rather than to own them as our own. Equally, you can be sure that choosing not to do some of the things you currently do because you “have to” will have profound implications for you.

What did you learn from doing this exercise? I’d love to see some examples of your new choices here on the blog. If you’d like to contribute, please post your comments here where other readers can benefit from them.

Recession: taking a wider view

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, , ,

Recently, I wrote in my newsletter, John and Lesley* were discussing the prospect of redundancies in their organisation. For them, redundancy was a very real possibility. As well as thinking about the possibility that they might be made redundant, they thought about the potential outcomes from being made redundant. Their spirits were low.

Carl*, on the other hand, was in a different place. This was Carl’s first experience of a recession during his career. He was excited to learn about how to thrive in business during a downturn and actively looking for opportunities. His spirits were high.

Viktor Frankl, author of Man’s Search for Meaning, famously observed how, even in the concentration camps in which he was prisoner during the Second World War, some prisioners found it in themselves to give away their last pieces of bread to comfort others and pointed to the freedom we all have: to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.

In this posting, I offer some thoughts about what you can do if you want consciously to choose your response to a challenging situation, be it your current circumstances in the recession or any other situation:

  • You might start by noticing the response you have, unconsciously, chosen. What are you feeling about your current situation and what thoughts are leading you to feel that way? This implies owning that it’s your thoughts about your situation rather than the situation per se that’s leading you to feel the way you do;
  • Once you’ve tuned into your current way of thinking and feeling, ask yourself, “what is my positive intention in choosing this way of thinking and feeling?” This is a way of honouring the intentions you are holding whilst recognising that there may be other ways of fulfilling your intentions;
  • Whether or not you have carried out the exercises above, one way to generate alternatives is to brainstorm. How many different ways can you think of to view your current situation? How many different ways are there to feel about it? I invite you to offer yourself some stretch here by including ways of viewing your circumstances that you are telling youself are in some way “wrong”, “inappropriate” or (insert whatever label springs to mind here);
  • Another way to generate different perspectives is to ask yourself questions that invite you to adopt a different point of view. For example, how might you view your current situation in the context of your whole life? How would you like to be able to look back on it in years to come? How might (insert the name of someone you admire or someone you find amusing) view your current situation?
  • It’s possible that you might find it helpful to give yourself permission to choose your way of viewing your current situation. This could open up new possibilities. What way would you choose to view your current circumstances if any way were OK, for example? What way would you choose to view your current circumstances if you wanted to feel (insert desired feeling here)?
  • Finally, you may find it helpful to share ideas with other people before choosing, especially if you are struggling to see things in more than one way or in a way that leaves you feeling comfortable. You may find that talking with a friend or colleague is enough to help you to choose a way of viewing things that works for you. You may find that your professional adviser (coach, therapist or other professional adviser) can give you the support you need to find a way of viewing your circumstances that works for you.

In the end it’s you who gets to choose your point of view. By checking in with yourself, you will know how well your current perspective is serving you.

(*John, Lesley and Carl are fictional characters used for illustration of the points being made)

Thriving in hard times

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

What differentiates those who thrive in hard times from those who suffer? What does it take to develop the resilience needed to survive – to thrive, even – in hard times?

Our current economic downturn is throwing up tough challenges for many people. At the same time, others are clearly thriving. This week I’ve been writing the main article for my newsletter, focussing on the subject of what it takes to thrive in hard times.

I’ve been drawing on various sources – from research to direct observation – to answer this question. I’m aware just how diverse the response to the recession is amongst friends, colleagues, people in public life as well as amongst those with whom I work in coaching partnership.

In the coming days I’ll be sharing ideas from my article and building on them here on this blog. It’s one thing to know what it takes to thrive, but quite another to fill the gap if you don’t – yet – have what it takes. This is an opportunity I look forward to along with your comments.

And if you’re not thriving, why not treat yourself to a coaching “stock take”? This can be a way of stepping back to distinguish the wood from the trees. If you’d like to find out more please drop me a line at dorothy@learningforlifeconsulting.co.uk.

Meantime, enjoy your weekend.

When “perfect” is not good enough

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Today I have been preparing my quarterly newsletter. It’s something I love to do and it’s also something that takes time. It was my aim to send one out in April and it’s now my aim to send it out before the end of this month. Meantime, I have been juggling all sorts of other activities, from tracking down a CD (from Amazon Japan) to taking a coaching call from a client. All good stuff.

This week, I have also committed to take time to pull out some of the themes from my most recent coaching session with my own coach, Lynne Fairchild. So, before I go for a walk I’m taking time to ponder just one of the themes from my coaching.

Even though we talk of our aspirations, as parents, to give our children unconditional love, we live in a society which judges. And growing up in a society which judges, we internalise the messages. In the last week, two quite different experiences have brought me face to face with my own judging self. The first experience was an interaction with a client to which my response was to judge myself oh, so harshly! And only days later, in another context entirely, I was able to let go of any messages about what I do or don’t “deserve” to receive the gift of someone else’s care. These experiences could not have been more sharply contrasted!

What do I take from them both? Connecting with the part of me that judges, I realise how much she wants to meet a standard so that she “deserves” to have her needs met. After all, this is what she learnt to do as she was growing up. There is a risk that, in order to persuade others, she seeks to be “better than” or even “perfect”. Like so many behaviours that come from our childhood selves, this carries the risk of getting in the way of the very outcomes she’s seeking for me – to be amongst people who love me and support me in meeting my needs.

I am grateful for the second experience, of letting go of judgement of self and of others to receive the gift of someone else’s care. Receiving this gift without wondering whether or not I deserve it touched me deeply. At the same time, I recognise how much the quest to be perfect – or, worst still, to hold some kind of standards for others – gets in the way of being “good enough”. Indeed, I recognise how much I want to live in a world – to create my own world – based on connecting with my needs and with the needs of others.

This brings me to a personal challenge. Oh! How I aspire to listen with an intention to connect with the needs I and others are expressing, no matter how alienated we are from our own needs and no matter what words we choose! From this place, nothing anyone can say is ever “wrong”.

As I write, I reconnect with my aspiration to do this with ease and grace.

Accounting for your leadership style

Developing as a leader, , ,

Arundhati Roy was surely onto the source of all joys when she named her novel (itself a thing of beauty and joy) The God of Small Things. I know I am attuned to this god when the world offers me the opportunity (as it has done in recent days) to rejoice in the small and simple things in life and when, taking that opportunity, I feel both joy and peace.

Recently, I had one such “small” joy. This took place when one of my university colleagues read about my blog in our college review and was moved to take a look and then to drop me a line. I have been enjoying our correspondence, knowing instinctively that we had and still have the potential to enrich each others’ lives.

Last week I came home after running a training for clients in how to interview leaders using a competency-based approach, only to find she had sent me an intriguing question. With her permission I am sharing it with you. She said:

I have an interview in a few weeks and will likely be asked about my style as a leader!! If one isn’t a natural leader but ain’t bad at it, how does one convincingly convey this?! Is it reasonable to say I have observed other leaders I admire and have taken on attributes I feel comfortable with?

This description reminds me of many professionals who progress to take on leadership roles to which they were not initially attracted. Seeking to adapt to the role, some of them will struggle to get excited about work whose results are measured in terms of the work of a wider team – for isn’t “work” something you do yourself? For some, time spent building relationships, managing staff etc. is perceived as time wasted – a distraction from the work itself. Recognising that when you are a leader engaging others is the work itself can constitute a big shift.

It strikes me that my friend is on the right track. Whilst the “born or made” debate continues, it’s often true that we model our leadership style on those whose leadership we admire and seek to adapt it so that we are both effective (maybe even inspiring) leaders and also remain true to ourselves. I am reminded of Daniel Goleman’s book The New Leaders which is so effective in bringing some solid research to a wider audience. What key points might I want to share with my friend ahead of her interview? They include:

  • Research shows leaders use a range of different leadership styles and that each style can be predicted to have a different outcome;
  • Some of these styles build motivation and engagement. They get the best out of people over time. Goleman describes these as “resonant” and identifies them as the visionary, coaching, affiliative and democratic styles;
  • Some of them (coercive/commanding, pace-setting) have their place but need to be used sparingly. Otherwise they tend to reduce engagement and motivation and undermine performance. Goleman describes them as “dissonant” styles;
  • Each style has a place! Knowing when to use which style and being able to adapt one’s style to fit the situation is what makes a truly great leader.

Knowing which style to use when requires both insight and flexibility: the most effective leaders have a command of the full range of styles and know when to use them. Sometimes these are the men and women who seem never to have reflected on leadership but rather to have an instinctive grasp of what’s needed. More often, truly great leaders are great because, over time, they have paid attention to what works and what doesn’t work and, in this way, developed a level of mastery in their leadership.

So, as my friend prepares for her interview I wonder what it means to say one “ain’t bad” at leadership. Teasing this out ahead of time could be valuable interview preparation.

Making friends with power

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It’s a funny thing, power. David McClelland, in his extensive study of human motivation (summarised in the book of the same name) identified power as one of three primary areas of unconscious motivation.

Mention power in many circles, even circles of power and influence, and you’ll find, frankly, that it gets a bad press. It’s easy to see why this might be true, when we have such a long history in the human race of exercising power over others in ways which meet the needs of one person or group at the expense of the needs of another.

Through my studies of nonviolent communication, I have come to a different understanding of power. For whilst we can exercise power over others we can also exercise power with others. We do this when we act from the belief that our needs – everybody’s needs – are important. This belief provides a basis for seeking to find ways to connect with, honour and meet our needs. This same belief provides a basis for helping others to do the same.

A first step on the road to nonviolence is to fully inhabit our own needs – to connect with them, bathe in them, experience the living energy of those needs. Perhaps it’s worth highlighting that when we are truly connected to our needs our primary focus is on our needs. The question of how we might meet them and who might help us in this endeavour becomes secondary. There are so many ways in which different needs can be met.

Now, in my work as a consultant and, more recently, in my work as a coach, I have for some years been helping leaders as they grapple with questions of power. Still, ten days after spending a day with consultant and NVC trainer Gina Lawrie, something she said and has said before is landing with me with a new energy and I recognise just how much I want to embrace the power of my needs fully and in this way to inhabit and live from my full power. Only days after sharing my values on my blog I realise it’s time to revise them and add another. I’m not yet sure I have the words right and still they are good enough for now. I decide that one of my values, a way of honouring and serving life is:

Fully inhabiting and living from my power.

When it’s time to follow your bliss

Alternative approaches, Coaching, Emotional Intelligence, , ,
The power of coaching lies in its invitation to become increasingly conscious of the dreams we hold for our life and to take steps towards the fulfilment of these dreams. Joseph Campbell, author of The Hero With A Thousand Faces and The Power Of Myth, describes the choice to pursue this journey as “following your bliss”. Because coaching sponsors this journey, whether clients are working with “life”, “executive” or any other coaches, they usually report high levels of satisfaction with their experience of coaching.
This is not to suggest that the road we travel when we act to create the life of our dreams is always easy. Often, clients come up against barriers to progress and need to find ways to engage with these barriers and to overcome them. The most insidious of these are clients’ (often hidden) limiting beliefs. Do I have the resources I need to create the life I dream of? Will my loved ones support me – continue to love me, even – if I pursue my dreams? How will people respond if I fail? Will my gain be at others’ expense? The list goes on and on. Perhaps the mother of all hidden beliefs – the belief that underlies the myriad questions we ask ourselves – is the belief that it’s somehow not OK to live the life of our choosing; the belief, if you like, that it is not our lot to be happy and fulfilled in life.
Today I am reminded of this in my work with one of my coaching clients and I promise to pop a quote onto my blog. The quote is from a book by Michael Berg called The Secret: Unlocking The Source Of Joy And Fulfilment. Michael’s family is prominent in sharing the teachings of Kabbalah. Whilst I am not a student of Kabbalah, my precious friend Rob is. As a result of our sharing over time, I was delighted to read Michael Berg’s tiny book and the quote I share below jumped out at me. I dedicate it to my coaching clients and their various journeys:
One of these lessons needs to be introduced now, for it’s the foundation of everything that follows. This lesson can be expressed in few words: Our true destiny is not the pain and suffering that can seem so pervasive in the world but a joy and fulfilment beyond imagining.
I wonder, what new doors would open up for us all if we were guided in our lives by this belief?

Are we ready for Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional Intelligence,

Every now and then I have what one might call a “mad day”. Today I am experiencing the knock-on effect of one such day, for yesterday I rose at 5.30am and today I am feeling gently tired.

I started the day by listening to Guy Claxton as he addressed the Talent Foundation to talk about matters of education following the publication of his most recent book, What’s the Point of School? Rediscovering The Heart of Education. From there I went on to join Gina Lawrie and her colleagues from Helix Consulting at a workshop in which we explored practical ways to help workplace groups to develop as dynamic, functional emotionally intelligent teams. And then on to hear Lone Franks speak at the RSA following the publication of her book, Mindfield: How Brain Science is Changing Our World, about recent discoveries about the brain and its functioning and the about implications of this growing body of knowledge.

What did I take from my day? Listening to Guy Claxton speak and to our post-talk discussions I was struck, once again, by the disparities between what we measure in our students and what we know to be important. In the workplace, we have come to accept the central role that an individual’s emotional intelligence plays in his or her success at work. In schools we have come to recognise a body of personal characteristics, beginning with the natural curiosity children bring, and their impact on learning and learning outcomes. How is it that, with such knowledge, we do so little to assess and encourage these characteristics and may even seem intent on discouraging them in our school-age children? I confess, I am curious about the role our government plays in this and how our ministers can ignore so much of what research tells us and still wonder why we are not more entrepreneurial as a nation.

With so much to say in her talk, Lone Franks’ evening presentation leaves me to ponder further. For doesn’t the work of our neuroscientists reinforce what we already know by observation about what it takes for people to be happy, successful, and… and… and… And doesn’t this in turn reinforce the gaps between what we know and apply in practice?

In my own work, I continue to enjoy assessing candidates for senior leadership roles, not least because the candidates for such roles are often able and inspiring. These competency-based assessments are focussed on the emotional intelligence of those I assess. My work as a coach is also focused on supporting senior leaders as they develop their leadership and emotional intelligence. You could say, as they explore how to be both authentic and effective in the workplace. And yet, somehow, whilst we understand the importance of emotional intelligence in the workplace, it seems that we still do our best to contain the implications of our understanding.

Working with Gina and her colleagues during the day serves to remind me just how much we can do to develop our emotional intelligence as individuals and teams and yet it’s rare to have the opportunity to work with teams in the depth I am able to work with individual clients. I wonder, are we ready to grapple with the full implications of what we know?

And I notice how much I relish this prospect. I am open for business. And delighted to be open for the business of emotional intelligence.

Referrals – meeting new clients with joy

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When I started my business in 2002 I was confident of what I could offer and at the same time lacking in confidence – anxious even – in my ability to get out there and find clients. I still see this as an area of growth and opportunity for me. This is about learning how to let the world know what I can offer in ways which allow my perfect clients to find me.

Who are my perfect clients? I am making a mental note to write about this soon. Today though, I simply want to celebrate the experience I often have of receiving client referrals – this, together with repeat business, has been my main source of business during the last seven years.

One new client perfectly illustrates the synchronicity of such referrals – if you like, the way the universe conspires to support me. It’s getting on for two years since, waiting for a takeaway at the Spice of Life Indian restaurant in Lewisham, I got into conversation with a fellow customer. “What do you do for a living?” he asked and I told him about my work as a coach. He told me his wife was looking to train as a coach and asked if I would be willing to speak with her. I was delighted to help her and have appreciated getting to know her, sharing progress with her and enjoying our spirit of mutual support.

Recently she asked me if I would be willing to speak with a dear friend of hers who is in the midst of exploring next steps in her own journey. I was glad to speak with her and delighted – having explored with her all sorts of possibilities and options – to agree to become her coach. Yesterday I sent her her preparatory papers – a pre-coaching questionnaire and coaching agreement – and I’m looking forward to beginning our work together next month.

Not all referrals lead to the same outcome. Sometimes there’s a good match between what I can offer and the support that is most timely for an individual or an organisation. Sometimes there is a good personal match or “chemistry”. Sometimes there isn’t. What I do notice is the high levels of trust that often follow when a potential client is introduced to me by someone we both trust. This is a great gift at the beginning of a coaching or other working partnership. Before pressing the button that says “publish post” I take a moment to celebrate my new client and our high levels of trust as we begin our work together.

Sharing my values

Coaching

I promised to share my values and this morning, as I write, I am wondering whether to simply share them or to add some commentary. For the time being, I have decided to share them as they are and without comment. I wonder whether or not I shall feel moved to say more in a future posting. And if you have questions, will you post them on this blog?

Honouring and Serving Life

Nurturing and living from a deep sense of connection with life and the universe

Stepping forward with courage as an adventurer and explorer on life’s journey

Acting from my true sense of purpose and in ways which serve and enhance life

Living with joy in the abundance of life

Being Myself

Nurturing and living from a deep sense of authenticity and congruence

Being always true to my values

Speaking my truth with courage and letting others own their responses

Being independently responsible for my choices, whatever their consequences

Doing well those things I choose to do

Bringing my qualities of warmth, humour, fun and laughter into the sunlight

Nurturing Healthy Relationships with Myself and Others

Nurturing and living from a place of love: for myself, for others

Nurturing my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health

Being always present to my own and others’ larger selves

Nurturing my own and others’ learning, growth and development

Consciously choosing and nurturing healthy “win, win” relationships