Staying connected

Emotional Intelligence, ,

Back from my recent visit to Tel Aviv and Jerusalem, I continue to offer thoughts about how to thrive in hard times. It’s hard to prioritise and still it seems to me that we are most likely to thrive when we develop the skill and habit of staying connected. In my recent newsletter I wrote:

Facing the very real possibility that he might lose his job, John felt low. He sought to lower the levels of anxiety he felt by ignoring his feelings. He drank and smoked more and this helped to mask his feelings. At the same time, he started to lose sleep and his general sense of well-being went down.

Over time, the kind of tactics John employed can take their toll. When we ignore the messages conveyed by our feelings and bodily symptoms we fail to connect with our needs and to find ways to meet them. What’s more, the messages continue to be conveyed, becoming louder and more insistent. In time, they may take the form of physical illnesses or psychological distress.

Carl, like many people who are able to thrive even in hard times, is highly attuned to his emotions, gut reactions and other bodily symptoms. He views them as a kind of inner guide and he takes time to tune in to the messages being conveyed. In this way, he is constantly asking himself “what do I really want?” and “where am I in and out of balance?” Responding to these messages is helping Carl to make progress towards the life he is seeking to create.

How do we go about connecting – and staying connected – with the messages supplied by our bodily responses and emotions? Here are some thoughts from me. Some of them echo comments I have already made in the series of postings that accompanies my most recent newsletter:

  • Step 1: Notice your feelings and bodily emotions at different times. You might do this by keeping a diary in which you take time to write about whatever is alive for you at the time of writing. You might do this by staying tuned to your inner responses at the time of an experience (such as a meeting or conversation). You might do this after the fact – as part of your post meeting debriefing, for example. To begin with, you may find it hard to make this connection. Step 2 is designed to help you if you do;
  • Step 2: If you are not experiencing bodily feelings or emotions, notice what you are doing instead. Perhaps you are experiencing your life through your thoughts – thinking about others and maybe criticising them, for example. Perhaps you are taking actions to mask your feelings and other sensations – from drinking and smoking to watching TV. You may be quite happy to mask your experience in these or other ways. Or you may want to give yourself permission to experience your life more fully. If you do, you may find it helpful to seek professional help (see suggestions in Step 5, below);
  • Step 3: Give equal weight to all your feelings. In coaching, I find that many clients sponsor some feelings and sensations whilst suppressing others. Over time, this can mean that they become aware – attuned and responsive – to some areas of their lives whilst blind to others. If you want to become and to stay fully connected, with all the benefits this can bring, let go of judgement and replace it with curiosity;
  • Step 4: Ask yourself what your body or emotions are telling you. What is an emotion or sensation telling you about your needs? You may find all your thoughts are about others at this stage (“he should be doing X” or “I wish she’d do Y”). In this case ask yourself, what would it do for me if s/he did what I’m wanting? This helps you to form connections between your feelings, your desires of other people and the needs that underpin them both;
  • Step 5: Make use of the many resources available to help you to become more attuned to your emotions and bodily sensations. You may want to observe others and to notice how attuned they are to their own emotions – and with what outcomes. You might like to start by reading Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life. This lays out, very simply, the role our emotions can play and the connection between thoughts, needs and emotions. You might like to contact me (at dorothy@learningforlifeconsulting.co.uk) to discuss how coaching can support you – and the variety of other sources available to you.

And if you have questions or want to know more, please leave your comments here on the blog – I shall be delighted to respond.

A taste for literature – and food

About Dorothy

Wandering round the Nehalat Shiv’a district on my first evening in Jerusalem I find plenty of places to eat and, at the same time, nothing that appeals. I am not alone – several times I cross paths with a couple who are also wandering disconsolately from restaurant to restaurant in search of food.

My spirits rise when I read restaurant, cafe, bookstore on a sign that guides me into a small courtyard off the Yoel Moshe Salomon Street. It will surprise no-one who knows me that the offer of a book with my food, even when I have one in my rucksack, is one that appeals.

The Tmol-Shilshom cafe comprises two rooms and two outdoor areas including a tiny balcony. The furniture is an eclectic mix of tables and chairs, some decorative miscellania and – of course – shelves and windowsills laden with books. Many are in Hebrew but some are not, including Anita Diamant’s The Red Tent, a compelling fictional account (some have called it “midrash”) of the life of Dinah, daughter of Jacob, who receives only a passing mention in the Bible. Immediately I feel at home.

The menu offers an uncomplicated and appealing selection of vegetarian dishes as well as a programme of literary events. The latter are mainly in Hebrew but it happens that my visit takes place the day before three professors from the Hebrew and Emory Universities are due to read poems by WH Auden in the original English and in Hebrew translation.

My food, when it comes, lives up to the promise (as I see it) of the menu for simple, tasty fare. The service, too, is everything one might hope for in a place of this kind. I wonder about the young men who serve me – students perhaps? I imagine that they are more likely to be lovers of literature than career waiters.

By the time I leave, I know I shall return to hear Auden and to enjoy my evening meal.

Not so fresh from the Jerusalem free tour

About Dorothy

I am not so fresh from the Sandemans New Jerusalem free tour: three and a half hours in search of shady spots in the heat – 32 degrees I heard someone say. I have no hesitation in booking a second, paid tour for tomorrow.

Moki, our guide, took us around the four quarters of the Old City and crammed us full of information. I appreciate that he’s a local – raised in Jerusalem – as well as trained as a guide. Even his jokes are worth waiting for! At the end of the tour I take the tour company up on their offer of a free drink though I’m one of only three members of the tour party who make it this far. Ten minutes – ten minutes more – is a long way to walk in this heat.

What of Jerusalem? Perhaps the most fought-over city in the world, it is both steeped in history and vibrant with modern-day living. Twenty-six thousand people live in the Old City of whom the vast majority are Muslim. I find it hard to connect with the deep spiritual significance of this Holy City for people of three major faiths, for all the traders who want to invite me into their shops. The world recession is having its impact here, too, and there are bargains to be had, though I’m not here for the shopping. And then there are the disputed historical questions. Where did Jesus’ last supper take place? And what was his precise path to the place of his resurrection? Although the Via Dolorosa and the Church of the Holy Sepulchre mark Christ’s journey to his death on the cross, it seems that the actual route he took was a little different.

It seems strange that coming to Jerusalem, the Holy City, is an added bonus on my brief trip to Israel. On Sunday I celebrated – with great joy – the marriage of my dear friend Rob with Shimrit, his beautiful Israeli bride. When we visit the Western (Wailing) Wall, my thoughts are with them both. I wish many blessings upon them. I embrace the blessings that Rob, in line with his Jewish traditions, has wished upon me. And I feel so blessed to be a witness to the beginning of their married life together.

Choosing beliefs that empower

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

The beliefs we choose can restrict or empower us and are often the subject of scrutiny in coaching. Our beliefs can contribute to – or undermine – our resilience in hard times. In my recent newsletter I wrote:

The resources that empower us include the beliefs we hold. Carl’s belief, for example, that he has what it takes to succeed no matter what raises his energy levels and encourages him to access the resources he needs to succeed.

This is different to Lesley. Holding the belief that losing her job is in some way a sign that there’s “something wrong” with her generates a sense of fear. This fear undermines her current performance as well as reducing her capacity to thrive in the event that her job is indeed made redundant.

On the surface, choosing beliefs that empower may make no difference in the near term. Currently, for example, Carl and Lesley are both at risk of losing their jobs. At the same time, their different beliefs are likely to lead to different responses even when their circumstances are the same. Over time, with different underlying beliefs, you can expect that Carl, Lesley, John and others will each create different lives.

But what if we want to examine our beliefs – perhaps to notice where they are holding us back or to adopt more helpful beliefs? Here are some ideas for you to play with:

  • It helps to notice what beliefs you already hold. This implies recognising that different people – including you – hold a variety of beliefs. So a great place to start is to get curious and playful in noticing your own and others’ beliefs. What are the beliefs – or presuppositions – tucked away behind the comments people make or the actions they take? My invitation here is not so much to change anything as to notice beliefs and the impact they have in your and others’ lives;
  • A great question to ask yourself as you examine your own beliefs is “what is the mother of all beliefs I hold?” Often, our beliefs boil down to one of two extremes – that there is abundance or scarcity in the world, for example, or that people are either loving and generous or mean and selfish. What is the mother of all beliefs for you?
  • You might want to pay particular attention to the beliefs held by people you in some way admire or whose lives you’d like to enjoy yourself. What beliefs do they hold and in what way do those beliefs play out in their intentions and actions? And with what outcomes in every area of their lives? Doing this can provide both a raised awareness of the role of beliefs and a library of beliefs that you might want to adopt for yourself;
  • Don’t be afraid to take a variety of beliefs and to try them on for size. You can do this ahead of time by simply sitting with them and seeing what impact they have on you as you imagine living your life according to a variety of different beliefs. It’s likely that you’ll be able to notice which beliefs empower you and which beliefs undermine you. This may lead you to make changes to your own beliefs;
  • It’s possible that you’ll try on a new belief and find it opens up a whole new range of possibilities – and still you’ll find you resist adopting it in practice. In this case, you might like to spend some time getting to understand your current beliefs more fully. What is your positive intention in holding the belief you’d like to let go of? What does it do for you? You may want to ask this question repeatedly until you get to the root of your reasons for holding a belief. Once you have this understanding you can ask yourself how you can fulfil your intentions in a different way.

Perhaps it’s worth adding that changes in behaviour often come from changes in belief. So if you find you are choosing behaviours you’d like to change and you don’t know how, it may be that you need to examine the beliefs that are driving your unwanted behaviours.

Accessing the resources you need

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, , ,

In my recent newsletter I wrote:

Accessing the resources you need is not only about reaching out for help. Carl’s readiness to reach out for help is a reflection of his own inner resources, including his belief that he is fundamentally OK, no matter what he knows or has yet to learn. Our inner resources include our personality traits, states of mind and beliefs.

In coaching, coaches make a powerful contribution when they help the people with whom they work in coaching partnership to identify and to access the resources they need. This contribution depends on holding the belief that their clients have the resources they need to succeed – the belief that clients are creative, resourceful and whole.

With or without the help of a coach, Carl is able constantly to access the inner resources he needs to maintain equilibrium in challenging times, as well as to achieve happiness and success.

How do people access the resouces they need in hard times? My training in neuro-linguistic programming (or NLP) provides some simple steps we can take:

  • Step 1: Know what you want. Before you access your inner resources, you need to know what you want them to do for you. I wrote about ways to explore what you want in my posting on 27th May 2009;
  • Step 2: Identify – name – the inner resources you need to make progress towards your desired outcomes. These may be beliefs, states of mind, emotions… When you ask yourself what inner resources you need it’s likely that your other-than-conscious mind will have some answers – and some of them may surprise you!
  • Step 3: Try them on for size. It’s not enough to have an intellectual understanding that you need confidence and a belief in your capability. Trying these resources on for size gives you the full package – a powerful felt sense that you already have these resources. Trying them on for size is like building a muscle: the more you do this, the more you have these resources at your immediate disposal;
  • Step 4: Notice any resistance or incongruity. Sometimes, there will be reasons why you resist accessing a resource. Perhaps you have a belief that you need to work hard to get what you want, for example, which stands in the way of accessing a sense of ease. This may be something you need to explore – to work with with your coach, for example, before you can truly access the resources you have identified.

And as I write I notice how hurried I am knowing I am due to go away on Friday. It’s time to notice what resources I need to feel confident I have all the time I need to get things done before I go away…

Punished by rewards

Developing as a leader,

Today I took a moment to respond to an e-mail from a former colleague asking for examples of successful pay schemes to encourage innovation. Now I’m not in any way a pay guru. Still, I thought I’d throw in some thoughts just for the hell of it.

I am thinking, what about Alfie Kohn’s book Punished By Rewards? This book sums up an awful lot of research which suggests that the carrot and stick approach doesn’t work – and that the carrot is just the same as the stick in this regard.

Simon Caulkin also wrote an interesting column in the observer a while back summing up the arguments against performance-related rewards. You’ll find it at http://tinyurl.com/mcw47v. It’s interesting to note that he mentions Kohn and also our old friend Herzberg.

Perhaps a couple of questions for the pay gurus:

  • What do you want people to do (and how successful is performance related pay in getting them to do it)?
  • What do you want their reasons to be for doing it (and does reward ever have people do things for your desired reasons)?

Perhaps, in brief, it does seem that reward encourages people to do things for reasons of extrinsic motivation and reduces their sense of connection with the power-house of their own deep-rooted intrinsic motivations.

So what if the route to greater innovation were not via pay and reward at all? Oh! Maybe a good resource to explore this is the book and CD When Fish Fly! Lessons for Creating a Vital and Energized Workplace from the World Famous Pike Place Fish Market. The book is much easier to get hold of than the CD . Though I did note that the CD is available from Amazon Japan…

When you’re needing fuel for the journey

Coaching, Emotional Intelligence, ,

In recent days I’ve been creating postings on the blog as a support to the main article of my newsletter which I sent out on Friday. I’ve written about half the postings I plan to write in this series. Today though, I’m taking a diversion – one that I dedicate to one of – all of – my coaching clients with gratitude for our work together.

On 6th May 2009, I started one of my postings by saying that the power of coaching lies in its invitation to become increasingly conscious of the dreams we hold for our life and to take steps towards the fulfilment of those dreams. Some clients come to coaching brimming with energy and excitement, ready to enlist the support of their coach to help them to fulfil their dreams. These are the clients who are already looking back on a history of making dreams come true and who have taken bold steps along the way to make things happen. They already know that they have everything they need to succeed in life and they use coaching to accelerate their progress. It’s easy to recognise them as “high performers”.

Some clients do not yet know they are “high performers” when they come to coaching. Sometimes this is because they have all sorts of successes behind them that they don’t yet recognise. Sometimes this is because their success lies in honing to perfection strategies for achieving their goals or ways of being in this world that habitually fail to deliver intended outcomes. Either way, they can feel a great sense of despair when they start to work with a coach – overwhelmed by the distance between where they are now and where they want to be, despondent in the belief that they can’t possibly make the changes they need to in order to reach their goals or that they lack the resources they need to make those changes. It’s as if it’s taken them so long to decide to seek the help they need that a miracle is well and truly overdue. When it doesn’t happen straight away their despair increases – at least for a while.

There is a simple change of perspective – a decision to look at our experience in a slightly different way – that can provide fuel for the journey when it’s most needed. In the field of neurolinguistic programming this links to adopting an “outcome focus”. In the field of nonviolent communication, practitioners often refer to adopting the practice of gratitude. To link it to my recent newsletter, I would add that adopting this practice makes for an increase in one’s resilience – no matter what life throws in your direction. To adopt this practice also increases one’s sense of joy and fulfilment.

What does the practice of gratitude comprise? Here are a few pointers:

  • Step 1, setting an intention: If we plan to notice those things that are working in our lives, it’s more likely than not that we will. So start by setting your intention and notice what comes up. If you experience any inner resistance you may want to explore this on your own or with your coach. Otherwise move to Step 2;
  • Step 2, making time and a place: It’s not that you need to make extra time available and add to your already over-burdened schedule. It’s just that when you’re clear about when and how you’re going to practice gratitude you’re more likely to do it. Perhaps you will create a special notebook in which you write every day at a time of your choosing. Perhaps you will use your walk with the dog or your journey home from work as a time of reflection. Perhaps you’ll make a weekly appointment with a trusted friend or colleague. Choose whatever ways work for you and be ready to adapt them in the light of your experiences along the way;
  • Step 3, notice what’s working for you: Marshall Rosenberg offers a specific way to notice what’s working for you. A first step is to notice something that you have done or that someone else has done that meets your needs. In itself, this may be a step forward, requiring you to shine a light on aspects of your life which otherwise go unnoticed. The second step is to notice the feelings you have when you notice these actions. I invite you to bathe in the feelings that come up when you notice something that’s working for you – however large or small! The third step is to notice what needs have been met by your own or someone else’s action.

There are many more things you can do – additional steps if you like – to leverage the power of gratitude. One is to express your gratitude to the person or people for whose actions you feel grateful. Another is to make a similar process part of your regular meetings with staff. I could give many examples. If, though, your aim is to feel more optimistic about the journey you are making, and to build your levels of trust and belief that you can make that journey, I recommend you focus on Steps 1 to 3 above.

And whatever you experience as a result of adopting this practice I wish you more power for your journey.

Reaching out for help

Developing as a leader,

Friday. I start the day with a “to do” list as long as my arm and a clear priority: I want to publish my regular newsletter by the end of the day – the end of the month. Before I start I take time to meditate in my garden. This is a new pleasure – the first time this year. Mr Fox has been visiting and I can smell his musky odour as I breathe deeply.

In my newsletter, I have identified reaching out for help as one of the traits or behaviours that build resilience:

When Carl married and became a father, he decided to find an alternative to his job in sales, even though he had been very successful. He wanted to spend time with his wife and children and he knew that to continue in his current sales role would make this hard to achieve. He decided he wanted to manage the sales function in his region and he set out to make this a possibility.

Like many people who thrive, Carl shows a willingness to reach out for help. Sometimes, he looks for resources to support him in his success, reading about leadership, for example, and looking on the internet for information. Sometimes he makes contact with people he thinks might be able to help him. He is constantly on the lookout for the resources he needs to make progress towards his goals.

Reaching out for help can include sharing our thoughts and emotions with others. Whilst hoarding our troubles can magnify them immensely, we need not be alone. Our capacity to confide when we are finding things tough can in itself increase our resilience in hard times.

What first steps can I suggest for the man or woman who is unpractised in reaching out for help? Here are a few ideas:

  • I start with an exercise which scientist James Pennebaker used with workers from Texas Instruments who had recently been laid off. He divided the workers into three groups and invited one of these groups to take time, for five consecutive days, to write about their deepest thoughts and feelings about the loss of their job. After four months, Pennebaker found that 35% of this group had found jobs as compared to 5% of a control group. Eight months after the start of his experiment 53% of this group had found jobs as compared to 24% and 14% of workers assigned other activities. Even if you don’t want to share what’s going on for you, it seems that being present to your experiences – by writing about your thoughts and feelings – can build your resilience;
  • Carl’s experiences (above) point to another way to reach out for help if for any reason you do not want to ask others for help directly. Carl avidly researches areas of interest, identifying resources on the internet or reading books which supply much needed information. It was in this way that he developed approaches to sales that have placed him in the top 10% of his company’s sales people. In what areas do you need help? What sources of information can you find to support you?
  • Our capacity to reach out for help includes our ability to ask others to support us. It helps to get clear what we really want. What need are we seeking to meet by reaching out for help? And what can other people do to help us to meet that need? One colleague, at a time when he was beginning to realise how little he asked for help, practised making requests of total strangers – on the bus, tube or plane. He made a point of getting clear about what need he wanted to meet before formulating his request. He also made a point of noticing what words and phrases elicited a willing response from the people of whom he made requests;
  • For some people who find it hard to reach out for help, the fear of “rejection” is what keeps them from asking. Amongst many ways of eliminating this fear one method intrigues me and I offer it here. This exercise is about making requests of people where you know the answer will be no, in order simply to hear others’ “no” and to know it in no way constitutes a personal rejection. One way to do this is to go into shops and to ask for something you know they don’t stock (for sellotape in a bakery, for example), or to request a service of an organisation you know they don’t provide (legal advice of your doctor, for example). This exercise has the merit of being something you can practise on total strangers;
  • Professional support, such as coaching or therapy, can be invaluable to support you in expanding your capacity to reach out for help. Perhaps you recognise that you are would like to reach out for help and yet you fear reaching out for support in any area of your life. This may be an indication that some therapeutic support will be invaluable. Perhaps you have been reaching out for support from friends and family and are finding you need more than they can give. In this case, it may be coaching, therapy or some other source of support that will best meet your needs.

And just as a reminder, I offer coaching, working mainly with senior leaders in organisations. I’m always happy to talk to establish what support you need. you can reach me at dorothy@learningforlifeconsulting.co.uk.

Taking action towards desired outcomes

Developing as a leader, ,

Today I realise that if I don’t post my newsletter by the end of this week it will suddenly become my June newsletter. I am on the case! I also choose to post some ideas here on the blog about another way of thriving in hard times, one I have written about in my newsletter:

People who know what they want can take action to make their dreams come true. This includes spotting and acting on opportunities. During our current recession, it’s striking how much those people who are thriving use the word “opportunity”. What is it that enables people to stay alert to opportunities during hard times?

Carl, like many successful people, is able to hold a vision for the future whilst not knowing how to reach his goals. Carl’s vision is not limited to results he knows he can achieve: he believes he will find ways to achieve his goals.

Carl and others like him are willing to try something and to learn from their attempts. For these people, simply taking action is a success. For whether or not an action yields the desired results, it supplies information about what does and doesn’t work and this in turn can help them to make progress.

Perhaps for this reason, Carl is willing to sow seeds which may not bear fruit until after the recession is over. He knows that the actions he takes during difficult times are leading him towards his goals and this, in turn, provides a powerful sense of momentum no matter what the economic climate.

Now, I confess, I grew up in the school of “perfection” so that, for many years, I found it hard to take any action unless I knew that success was guaranteed. It was a very limiting way of living my life. So, for those of you who want to become more bold in taking actions to realise your dreams I offer the following ideas, which draw on neuro-linguistic programming’s (or NLP’s) outcome framework:

  • Step 1: Practise connecting with your most heartfelt dreams, be they business, career or personal dreams. I wrote about how you might do this in yesterday’s post (see Knowing What You Want). The aim here is to feel truly connected with your goals and alive to their possibilities;
  • Step 2: Notice where you’re starting from on your journey towards your goals. I especially invite you to view your starting-point through a lens that empowers – rather than undermines – you. Try asking yourself: “what steps have I already taken in my life that are leading me towards my goals?” or “what resources do I already have that are helping me on my way?”
  • Step 3: Explore what steps you can take right now that will help you to make progress towards your goals. The idea, here, is not to map out all the steps you will need to take to get to your desired outcomes. Rather, the aim is to identify any steps you can easily take right now that will move you in the right direction. You may want to brainstorm ideas or invite suggestions from others;
  • Step 4: Take action! Choose any step or steps that you feel ready to take and take them. Usually, even in hard times, taking action leaves you feeling more resourceful than not taking action, so be sure to notice and swim around in any resourceful feelings you experience;
  • Step 5: Welcome feedback! Be curious about the outcomes from each step you take. Perhaps you will notice how well something works and what new possibilities it opens up. Perhaps you will find your action doesn’t lead to the outcome you desired. As long as you remember that “there’s no failure, only feedback” you will be able to welcome whatever outcome you get – it’s just information;
  • Step 6: Perhaps the next step is to go back to Step 1, enriched by the experience of taking action and with the new awareness that comes from having taken action. In this way you build momentum and make progress towards your goals.

Knowing what you want

Coaching, Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, , ,

I can’t write about traits that underpin resilience without writing about knowing what you want. Ian McDermott, in the field of neurolinguistic programming (or NLP) defines outcome orientation as one of the four pillars of success. Marshall Rosenberg, originator of nonviolent communication, highlights how often, when working as a clinical psychologist and treating people who suffered from depression, he would find that they were at a loss to know what they really wanted – and how to make it happen. In my own work with senior leaders in a wide range of settings, research has demonstrated how the most effective leaders set and work towards challenging goals for themselves and others.

In my newsletter, I write:

One aspect of developing an internal locus of control is knowing what you want. In hard times, it’s easy to be clear about what you want to avoid. For John, for example, avoiding redundancy is about protecting his mortgage payments whilst for Lesley, keeping her job is about avoiding the loss of face she fears will come with redundancy. Carl has taken a different view. Rather than seeking to avoid certain outcomes he actively focuses on those outcomes he wants to achieve: his primary objective at work is to provide for his family and to have fun whilst doing so.

Carl’s view of what he wants provides a sense of excitement and momentum. In coaching, helping clients to clarify what they want is amongst the primary tasks of coaching: getting clear on what you want produces a positive energy and can provide the basis for action.

Some people might view this as paradoxical: after all, isn’t it precisely those times when we don’t get what we want that we find hard? At the same time, it’s often true that those people – including people in leadership roles – who have a clear vision of the outcomes they want to achieve are precisely the people who show the most resilience in hard times.

What are your options if you want to get clear on what you want? As a coach, I have found that clients value a whole variety of ways to identify what they want. I’ll be writing about some of them under the heading Staying Connected. Meantime, here are some of the methods my clients use to generate an over-arching vision of their “ten out of ten” life, career, business or other outcome:

  • Whether you are thinking about your work or the whole of your life, it helps to find ways to daydream about your “ten out of ten” life. There are many of these and I invite you to choose ways that work for you. If you enjoy pictures, it can help to set up a “dream board” and to look out for pictures that in some way represent something that is important to you as part of your “ten out of ten” life. Equally, you might like to use a scrapbook or notebook for this purpose;
  • Some clients favour writing as a way to generate ideas. It may not surprise readers that this is one of my preferred approaches. Every now and again, I take time to daydream in writing. For me, this is the process of writing about what I want, whether my focus is on my business aspirations, my life as a whole or some particular aspect of what I’m wanting;
  • In the workplace, some approaches are favoured more than others to generate ideas. Brainstorming is one way of sharing possibilities and can be used with teams. Alternatively, having people write their ideas on post it notes before sharing them and grouping them by themes and discussing them can make it easy for every member of a team to contribute ideas.

I want to highlight two principles that my clients find invaluable, no matter what method they are using to identify what they want. The first is to suspend any questions about how you might get what you want. This allows you to range freelly, trusting that you will find ways to make your dreams come true at a later stage. The second is to “try it on for size”. This is the process of imagining what you want as if you already have it, an approach beloved of Olympic sportsmen and women. This helps you to check out ahead of time whether you really do want what you imagine you want: if you don’t, you’ll feel it somewhere in the body. In addition, by imagining you already have it, you start to rehearse what it might take to get it.

I invite you to share your response to this posting. Do you have ways of getting in touch with what you want that you’re willing to share here? Which of the ideas above have you tried out and with what outcomes?