Nonviolent Communication: resources for beginners

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All approaches to communication have applications in every area of our personal, group and societal lives.  For most people – let’s be clear, if there are exceptions, I don’t yet know them – the basic approaches to communication that we use are consistent in a number of respects.  Most of us, for example, communicate in line with beliefs and values which are consistent across the full range of our business and personal relationships.  We all have positive intentions when we communicate with others.

At the same time, for many of us, there are aspects of our communication that are both habitual and unexamined.  In particular, we may be unaware of the beliefs that inform our approach to communication.  And we may fail to notice the unintended (including negative) consequences of our chosen approach.  This is so commonplace that we can assume that the blind spots we have individually are a reflection of more widely-held blindspots in a culture or cultures which practise the same approach to communication.  (Indeed, in his book Vital Lies, Simple Truths* Daniel Goleman makes a compelling case to this effect).

Over the years, I have become a fan of a number of thinkers whose work points to alternative approaches which tend to support the healing of old misunderstandings and to communicate in ways which facilitate understanding and connection in the present moment.  For this reason I admire and engage actively in the work of Marshall Rosenberg (author of Nonviolent Communication:  A Language for Life).

Now, all this is by way of introduction to some resources that were highlighted to me by Ray Taylor, a colleague in the world of Nonviolent Communication who shared two recordings which are available on-line and offer a clear introduction to Nonviolent Communication (or NVC).  Just follow the links as follows:  the first is an introduction to NVC by Marshall Rosenberg and the second is a link to a number of talks by Jorge Rubio.  I wish you happy listening.

PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Developing your empathy: learning from intimate relationships

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Recently I wrote at length about empathy and made a mental note to write about the “how” of empathy – both of giving and receiving empathy and of how you develop it if you’re not there yet.  I haven’t yet fulfilled this promise I made to myself so, when I was sent a link to a podcast by Kelly Bryson I took time to listen.

Kelly is talking about empathy in the context of intimate relationships, including sexual relationships.  And let’s be clear, if ever there’s a context in which challenging emotions and emotional pain are triggered it’s in our most intimate relationships.  Over the years, our failure to “mop up the mess” of our misunderstandings can drive us apart or create an inbuilt “toxicity” in our relationships.  Kelly’s podcast talks through some of the elements of Nonviolent Communication and how they can be used in intimate relationships to give and receive empathy.  In this way we can clean up the messes as they occur and – over time – build, restore and maintain trust.  It also completes with two exercises for giving and receiving empathy and building connection.

What is the relevance of this in our professional lives?  I could say so much about this.  Firstly, insofar as we carry the hurt of our unmet need for empathy in our private lives, we are likely to be sensitive in our professional lives – and so are others.  This is a common human experience, encoded in the most ancient parts of our brains.  Learning to give ourselves empathy or to ask for the empathy we need makes us more able in our work to be present in the here and now rather than to be triggered by “old stuff”.  As leaders, it helps to know that this is true for those we lead, too.  With this understanding we can see and respo9nd to the behaviours and responses of our staff in their wider human context.

And what else?  Well, for now, perhaps it helps to know that the skills for giving and receiving empathy are the same no matter what the context.  For this reason I share Kelly’s podcast as a resource for all my readers.  And if you do choose to listen to it, will you let me know what you take from it?  I’d love to see your comments below. 

Work/life balance: what if time has nothing to do with it?

Emotional Intelligence,

As I write I am looking forward to the holiday I’ll be on when you read this posting.  I was curious today about the following question, posted on the Human Resources UK forum on LinkedIn:  Work/life balance – what is the right percentage?  This is what I wrote by way of response:

Percentage of what? Are you assuming that this is a matter of how much time an individual spends on work and on other-than-work? My experience suggests that this may be missing the point.

For example, the person who is in the wrong job – one that is not a good match for his skills and underlying sense of purpose – may lack work/life balance no matter what the hours he works. Or the person who has become wealthy and retired early and yet who lacks a sense of what to do with all that time may also struggle. At the same time, the person whose work is offering challenges which in turn provide deep learning and healing for the soul may be fulfilled in ways which spill over into every corner of his or her life even whilst the balance of time between work and home is totally precarious.

So here’s a question for you and others – what if time has nothing to do with work/life balance?

Empathy in practice: free of enemy images

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I am grateful to Bridget Belgrave, certified trainer in Nonviolent Communication, for sharing this link to a video taken from the security camera of a mobile phone shop in the US.  The video shows how the shop’s manager, faced with a would-be armed robber, engages him in conversation and shows she understands what he is going through.  At the point at which she tells him that she will have to make up any shortfall that results from a theft he decides to leave.

The manager is showing one of the fundamental qualities of empathy – the ability to connect with their shared humanity and to engage with him as a real person rather than from a place of fear.  Her care for the would-be thief is striking.  In the case of this young manager it seems to be her Christian faith that inspires her, though this does not mean you have to be a Christian or have any religious faith to provide empathy.

So, if you are seeking to develop your ability to show empathy, take a look at the video on this BBC News Page.  To what extent are you able to engage with other people in your life from this place of seeking to understand them as fellow human beings?

Love’s Hidden Symmetry

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It’s all very well to read a good book as you travel across London to a wedding, but streaming mascara is not a good look (at least, not until the emotional events of a wedding celebration).  So I smiled even as I was moved to tears reading the transcript of a family constellation in the book by Bert Hellinger and colleagues, Love’s Hidden Symmetry.

I have been aware of Hellinger’s work for some time now and had it in my sights as something to investigate.  It’s probably been a full two years between buying the book and picking it up to read.  (It has to be said that I am beginning to trust my reading instincts – to know that this lapse of time is simply a wait until the moment is right to read a book.  It has been chosen once – put on my Amazon Wishlist or bought and ready on the shelf – and then chosen once again).

When the time came, I was taken aback by how riveting I found this book.  Hellinger’s work is born of a longer tradition amongst therapists seeking to help clients to unravel the dynamics of their family systems.  This tradition recognises the central role that our early experiences of family play in our lives long after we have – or appear to have – flown the nest.  My understanding is that Hellinger took this tradition further than most by seeking to access the healing power of what is called the “family constellation”.

What is a “family constellation”?  In his work, Hellinger establishes key facts of a client’s family life – a sibling who died young, a grandfather who committed suicide, a husband who left his wife – and invites members of the group to act as the representative of key family members as the client maps out the relationships between them.  This mapping out is a physical and metaphorical mapping out – a daughter stands near her father, for example, or a husband and wife stand close or far apart.  Representatives report how they feel, Hellinger makes adjustments until representatives feel at ease.  In the process, the client’s own relationships with members of his or her family are clarified in the family’s current constellation and adjusted.  Old patterns are released and new patterns found which work for members of the family as individuals and for the family as a whole.  No matter that the “family members” are representatives:  the outcome of this work is a shift for the whole family and not just for the individual client.

For me, the most compelling aspect of Hellinger’s work is his commitment to what he calls a phenomenological approach.  He is not there to suggest what should be but rather to explore what is.  This approach and its attendant observations have made his work controversial amongst some observers.  It is not only that his observations tend to reinforce traditional roles and heirarchies (though this alone is enough to stir up comment).  Equally compelling are the patterns that are evident across generations suggesting our unconscious loyalty to those who have gone before us – including those of whom we are unaware.

Reading this book is itself an exercise in healing: a way of connecting with the possibility that we may embrace whatever fate is ours in this life and also be at peace;  a reminder that our best gift to those who have gone before us is to seek out this healing and to live life to the full.  This is not only the domain of those who seek therapy (who are sometimes seen by those who don’t as in some way different or other than themselves).  We are all affected by our family experiences which linger in us both in the pain we may feel and in our capacity to give and receive love.

What was it about that family constellation that moved me so much?  It was the honour paid by the surviving member of a Jewish family after the Holocaust to his deceased relatives, each represented by a member of the group.  Completing this work Hellinger, himself a German who was a young man during World War II, after a long pause thanks the group and tells them:

In Germany, we are told by many people that we shouldn’t forget – we should remember what happened.  Very often, we are told accusingly, by people who feel superior, and that has a bad effect in the soul.  The proper way of remembering is what we did here, mourning the dead together – just being one with them.  That has a healing effect on the soul;  anything else has the opposite effect… I need a little time just to recollect myself.  I hope you understand, 

PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Feeling your way into your perfect job: a powerful question to bring your dreams alive

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In recent days I’ve been exploring ways to feel your way into the perfect job for you, recognising that the more you have a felt sense of your perfect job the more likely you are to be inspired to find it.

In this last posting on this topic (OK, at least for now) I offer the simplest of questions which you can ask yourself about the job you really yearn to do – and perhaps the most powerful.  This question comes from my NLP trainings and is the number one question for coaches everywhere (and no doubt others, too):  what do you want?

Well, actually, there’s a supplementary question, too.  And it’s this little supplementary question that gives the first question its power and that is:  what would that do for you?  So, what do you want in your new job?  (Let’s say:  “I want to lead a business out of the current recession”).  And what would that do for you?  (“It would give me the thrill of turning around a business which otherwise could go under”).  And what would that do for you?  (“It would meet my need to contribute to our economic recovery”).  And what would that do for you?  (“I just want to make a positive difference to people, to conribute, to offer hope…”).  You get the gist!

This powerful little question takes us from the surface manifestation of a dream to the underlying needs that would be met by fulfilling that dream.  In the language of Marshall Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication:  A Language for Life, this is the difference between recognising the strategy by which we meet meet a need and connecting with the need itself.  You know you’ve connected with the core of your dream when you feel you’ve connected with your dream – everything in your body changes at this moment of recognition.

Several things happen when we explore this question which are invaluable to the job hunter (and to anyone else come to that):

  • Firstly, as we get closer and closer to recognising the needs we think our dream job will meet we experience a felt sense of this perfect job.  This is, if you like, another way of “trying it on for size”.  In terms of the way we feel, connecting with our needs in this way is pretty much as good as meeting them!  At least in this moment of connection we experience the quality of feeling we would like to experience in our lives on an ongoing basis;
  • Also, recognising our underlying needs can open up new options as we realise “Ah!  If that’s the need I’m trying to meet, I could do it in this way, too, and this way…!”
  • Occasionally, as we connect with the need we recognise that our initial choice of how to meet the need was, frankly, way off beam.  If caring for your family is your number one priority for example, maybe the high flying job that takes you all over the world supplies the money you want to earn …but not the opportunity to stay closely involved and connected with your loved ones in your every day lives.

 So, I invite you to try on this powerful pair of questions and of course, be sure to let me know how you get on.

PS I love Rosenberg’s book!  So much so that I’ve set up this link so that, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee if you buy this book using the link in this posting.

Feeling your way into your perfect job: trying it on for size

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If you’ve been reading the posts I’ve already written this week it’s possible that you’ve already spent time connecting with the life you most want to lead and also with the full arc of your career.  If you haven’t done these things yet please do – your perfect job sits in the context of your perfect life and is part of a career whose overall timespan may well get longer and longer in the coming years.

For now, though, let’s do something very simple, called “future pacing” in the world of neurolinguistic programming (or NLP).  Imagine the job you most yearn to do and simply try it on for size.  This goes beyond thinking about it to experiencing it in your body as if you were already doing the job.  You can do this with your eyes open or closed.  You can do it standing or sitting…  you get the drift!

As you do this, notice what’s true of the job you are trying on:  give yourself full scope and permission to create your dream job in the present moment.  No need to force or push:  just let it unfold.  (And yes, if a part of you raises any objections and tries to bring you right back into another reality – especially a “that’s not possible” reality – you might like to cut a deal with that part and agree to come back to all the objections a little later).  At the same time, notice what’s alive for you as you try the job on for size.  What are the features of the job that really energise you?  What do you really relish?

A couple of notes for you.  Firstly, you can do this at any point in the process of seeking out your next job.  You can do this in your current job to see if, with the odd tweak, it could become your perfect job:  try on your current job with a few “it would be perfect if…” tweaks and see how it sits with you.  Then you can think about whether those tweaks might be things you can move towards.  You can do it when you’re first starting to ask yourself the question “what is my perfect job?”  This can help you expand your search as well as to develop a felt sense of and pull towards the job you desire.  You can do this as preparation for a interview, so that you walk through the door with a sense of confidence in your ability to do the job you’ve applied for.

Oh!  And note two:  trying things on for size this way is not confined to your perfect job.  You get to use this approach for absolutely anything in your life.

Be sure to let me know how you get on. 

Feeling your way into your perfect job: walking the full path of your career

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Whether you’re in a job or out of it, when you’re thinking about your next career move it can help to take a walk along the full length of your career in order to step more fully into the role that’s right for you now even as you start to explore what that next role might be.  In neurolinguistic programming (or NLP) this is called “walking your timeline”.

I have found it helps to do this physically so that the length of your walk or the different points along the way act as a metaphor for the different points in time that you are seeking to embody.  You can do this in your office or living room.  My favourite choice is to take a long walk and keep going for as long as I find helpful.  Just take yourself right back to the beginning of your career and try it on for size as if you were still that young man or woman embarking on your career.  Keep walking through your career and notice what is true for you along the way.  Here are some questions you might like to ask yourself:

  • At the beginning of your career walk:  What am I doing now that points the way to my perfect future career?  What are the high points for me and what are they telling me about my natural gifts and inclinations?  What are the things I do so well and with such ease that I almost take them for granted?  What do I bring that others value in me?
  • In the middle of your career walk (including where you are now in “real time”):  What did I learn in the early part of my career that is serving me now?  What challenges or hardships did I face and what did they bring that has served me in my career?  What did I take with me that is best left behind now?  What did I leave behind that I could have usefully carried forward?  What am I ready for now as a result of everything I have done so far?  What can I learn from my ups and downs that might ease my path as I go?
  • As you walk through the next phase of your career:  What am I doing now that I am in this next phase of my career?  What am I bringing that is ensuring my success?  What am I doing that is making me thrive?  What is calling me as I move forward?  How am I feeling as I walk through this next phase of my career?  What am I seeing?  What am I hearing?
  • Looking back on the whole of your career:  At this point you might like to find a comfy seat with a long perspective (metaphorically and/or literally), to look back and to reflect on some additional questions:  how do I view my career now that it is over?  What do I most celebrate and enjoy?  What do I know now that would most have helped me along the way?  What does this “me” now most want for the “me” I was in 2010?

These are just a few of the questions you might ask yourself as you walk – or entrust to your coach or walking companion.  Be sure to be in the present at every point on your timeline.  This exercise is not about being in 2010 and looking back or forward – it’s about stepping back into the present and forward into the present and trying it on for size.

Do let me know how you get on.

Feeling your way into your perfect job: your job as part of your “dream life”

Developing as a leader,

I’m sometimes surprised at the way coaching clients say “no” to exploring what they really want in their lives because their focus in our work together is on their career.  This can have the strange effect that the signs of their discontent are there for everyone to see – except the client.  For if your current job is not in tune with your deepest aspirations what’s the point of seeking to sort out this bit of the job or that?  What use is tinkering with the engine when you’re driving the wrong car?

So, if you’re thinking about your next career move, one way to get started is to imagine the life you most want to lead, allowing yourself to feel your way into this future life as you go.  And if you find that a part of you is raising objections even as you start to dream you might like to cut a deal with that part of you and ask it:  “if I agree to come back and hear your concerns by (set a time – next week, tomorrow, whatever) would you allow me to take this time just to dream?”  Be sure to be sincere in your commitment to come back to hear those concerns and set a timescale that works for both the dreamer in you and the pragmatist.

Now there are many ways to imagine your dream life so the ones I offer here are just some of the multiple possibilities:

  • If you enjoy writing (as I do) sit at your computer or with pen and paper and just write.  Imagine that you are already living your dream life and write about everything that you notice is true for you.  Keep writing as long as you feel inspired then take a break, come back, read what you’ve written and write some more.  Notice where you’re living and in what circumstances.  Notice how you’re spending your time at work and at play.  Notice what’s true of your relationships – who are you spending time with and how?  Notice what money you have in this perfect life.  Notice what’s true of your health – be it physical, mental, emotional or spiritual;
  • You might like to build up a scrap book or picture board of your dream life using words and pictures.  Take some old magazines and browse through them, cutting or tearing any images that you warm to – these are clues about the kind of life you want to lead.  In the same way, cut out words or quotes or anything else that brings you closer to imagining your dream life.  Keep doing this until you feel this dream life is complete;
  • Take some time with someone – your friend or coach or partner – who is able to leave practicalities to one side (they come later) and to hear you talk about the kind of life you would really love to live.  Allow this discussion to have an open-ended, exploratory feel – there are no decisions to be made yet, just possibilities to explore.

Whichever way you choose, notice where the energy is in your explorations – notice what ideas have resonance for you or are most compelling.  If you pay attention to this energy you will begin to build a picture of your “dream life” that is a reflection of who you are and what you most want.  Notice, too, how committed you are to building a life that is perfect for you.  (If for any reason you’re not, you might like to expore this with your coach).  The more you have a sense of the life you want to lead, the more you will be able to imagine the kind of job that best supports and sustains you both at work and in creating the life of your dreams.

Be sure to let me know how you get on.

Feeling your way into the perfect job for you

Developing as a leader,

On Monday I wrote about what it takes – from the point of view of the employer – to make a successful senior hire.  But what about the other side of the coin?   What if you’re looking for the right role for you and wondering quite how high to pitch your aspirations at this time of economic downturn?

I found myself reflecting on this question after meeting with one of several coaching clients who are all currently looking for a job.  One thing I notice about friends, colleagues and clients who are currently searching for jobs is a tendency to scale back their aspirations in order to guard themselves against possible disappointment.  This is a tendency some have at any time (after all, it doesn’t do to get ideas above your station and modesty is a virtue, right?).  It’s also a tendency that is somehow magnified by the idea that in a downturn, organisations have few vacancies at senior levels and are inundated with applications from highly talented candidates for the job.

Rather than scale back their aspirations, I have been encouraging clients to dream big and to embody their dreams in advance in order to make it more likely that they will apply for and successfully find the perfect job for them.  After all, as well as coaching senior executives when they are looking for or (more usually) in big jobs, I also have experience over a number of years of assessing candidates for senior roles.  I find that the complaint that organisations have “too much talent to choose from” is rare.

So how can you step into that senior role ahead of time and in such a way as to provide clarity about what you’re looking for and to boost your confidence as you undertake your search?  Neurolinguistic programming (or NLP) has encoded some of the things we do quite naturally and these can be used to help us to explore what we are really wanting and to make our aspirations more vivid and compelling.  In this series of postings I offer just a few approaches from the NLP toolkit to help you to develop a felt sense of your perfect job.  You can try any or all of these to build your perfect job “muscle”.