All posts by Dorothy Nesbit

What is empathy, anyway, and why does it matter?

Developing as a leader, Developing leadership across your organisation, Emotional Intelligence, , , , ,
We can say that when a person finds himself sensitively and accurately understood, he develops a set of growth promoting or therapeutic attitudes toward himself.

Carl Rogers
Empathic:  An Unappreciated Way of Being

Well, I didn’t set out to make this week Empathy Week and still, I am immensely grateful to my colleague in the world of non-violent communication (NVC), Jeroen Lichtenauer, for highlighting a wealth of resources available to support my exploration.

Today, I have been diving into a paper written by Carl Rogers, entitled Empathic:  An Unappreciated Way of Being.  Before I write about Rogers’ article it is worth saying a few words about the man himself:  Carl Rogers worked as a psychologist and therapist in twentieth century America and his work has been highly influential across a range of related fields.  As well as shaping an approach to therapy which is radically different to some of the more analytical approaches which preceded it, Rogers’ approach has been highly influential in the modern coaching profession and Marshall Rosenberg also points to Rogers as having influenced his attempts to develop an approach (eventually called Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication) which could be shared easily around the world without the costs associated with individual therapy.

Now, Rogers’ credentials are highly rated with some and yet may ring alarm bells with others.  What does all this mean for the average man or woman seeking to find a way through a corporate career?  It’s worth mentioning the work of David McClelland and his colleagues (popularised by Daniel Goleman in such books as Emotional Intelligence and Working with Emotional Intelligence).  McClelland’s research showed that our effectiveness in the workplace depends significantly on a number of competencies which depend on our emotional rather than intellectual intelligence.  Empathy matters!  And, in fact, empathy is listed as a competency in the Hay Group Emotional Competence Inventory which seeks to translate these research findings into practical ways of measuring competency and emotional intelligence at work.

Rogers’ paper includes a number of definitions of empathy including at least two of his own.  The quote above, from the conclusion of his paper, points both to what we might mean by empathy and to the significance of empathy for the individual.  Both are big subjects in themselves so let me just say for the moment that when we are able to be present to our own thoughts, feelings, experience and needs (self empathy) or to the thoughts, feelings, experience and needs of another (empathy) without judgement we open up a wide range of possibilities in our relationships and communication with self and other.  This is every bit as significant in the workplace as it is in the therapist’s office, where the presence or absence of empathy will have an effect on key aspects of our work life.  These include our ability to make and execute sound decisions as well as our personal well-being, our ability to engage those we lead as well as our ability to marshall our own inner – and often conflicting  – voices.

What is the key question we might ask our selves to determine the extent to which we are able to demonstrate empathy?  Here is my starter for ten:  am I able to put myself in the shoes of another, to connect with their feelings and needs and in this way to see multiple perspectives without needing to be “right”?

Developing empathy: recommended reading from my colleagues

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

Having made my own recommendations on developing empathy (see my posting of 12th July 2010) I also looked out for recommendations from my colleagues on the Training Journal Daily Digest.  Here are their recommendations with my own comments underneath:

I would fully recommend anything by Daniel Goleman, ‘Emotional Intelligence’, ‘Social Intelligence’ or ‘The New Leaders’ for the coaching client.

The ‘Emotional Intelligence Activity Book’ by Adele B Lynn is a very practical book and covers empathy. It’s very much a how to book.

One more thought, ‘The Emotional Intelligence Quick Book’ by Travis Bradberry & Jean Greaves is a really accessible book and quite short, and it has a free online EQ test. This might be more what your client is looking for.

You could try ‘The Secret Language of Feelings: a rational approach to emotional mastery’ by Calvin Banyan (2003). Although not written from an empathy perspective, and more for the individual wanting to understand his/her own emotions, it provides insight in what’s behind our feelings.

I would add that I have worked extensively with the research on competencies and emotional intelligence that underpins Goleman’s books.  I see them as outlining in ways which are highly engaging what is meant by such things as emotional intelligence, illustrating sound research with engaging stories.  I wouldn’t typically go to these books for practical help in how to develop emotional intelligence, empathy and so on – so it’s interesting to note that the second recommendation above is described as a ‘how to’ book.

Practical approaches to developing empathy

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, , ,

Sometimes, leaders in organisations come to coaching with a yearning to develop their ability to empathise and this is no surprise, since our culture, including our workplace culture, does not always favour the use of empathy.  So when one of my colleagues on the Training Journal Daily Digest asked for recommendations for practical reading on developing empathy I made my contribution and also looked out for the contributions of others.

This is what I wrote, which will come as no surprise to regular readers of my blog:

Developing empathy…. my top reading recommendation would be Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life.

I don’t think you can beat Rosenberg’s approach to empathy. For those of us who are naturally empathetic it helps us to develop an approach to empathy which maintains clear boundaries. To those of us for whom empathy is a bit of a foreign country it provides very clear distinctions (e.g. between the needs we have and the strategies by which we seek to meet them) and very clear steps for providing empathy.

Given that you are looking for something for an executive client I would want to acknowledge the book’s potential limitations. The subtitle (‘create your life, relationships and your world in harmony with your values’), the visuals of the front cover and even some of the terms used can be a step or two outside the comfort zone of some people who are used to the FT as their daily reading. In other words, the book is targeted at human beings rather than at executives. Having said that, I have recommended it to a number of executive clients and I’ve never had this back as a comment. More often, they are immensely grateful for the recommendation and go on to apply their learning in a variety of contexts.


Recently, and from the same ‘school’ of nonviolent communication, colleagues have recommended a second book which is aimed at executives, Words That Work in Business: A Practical Guide to Effective Communication in the Workplace, by Ike Ilaster. I haven’t read it yet but I do notice that it starts with input on self empathy and empathy for others.

I look forward with curiosity to others’ recommendations.

PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Small pleasures

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Sometimes, in the midst of busy times, I enjoy taking a moment to reflect on life’s small pleasures.  Today, they included:

  • Watering my first ever crop of tomatoes this morning and watching the fruits form and grow;
  • Getting a call from Neil at BT who was able to answer all my questions (at last!) about my recent order and who gave me his number in case I needed to phone again;
  • Buying cream roses in my local market at lunch time and popping my head round the door of my lounge every now and again to admire them and enjoy their beauty;
  • Finishing an executive assessment report in time to have a cup of tea before my 4pm ‘mastermind’ call;
  • Watching Holland play Uruguay in – well, some football thing or other – and observing that yes, perhaps football is a beautiful game – maybe even balletic at times;
  • Letting go of the day’s unfinished tasks, knowing that I have more time tomorrow.

What’s the good news in our current economic climate?

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Recently, my experiences have tended to highlight just how many people are affected – and deeply – by our current economic climate. The number of people with whom I have direct connections, for example, who are without work has grown significantly in the last six months and this number includes highly talented individuals. The number of people in work who watch the possibility of redundancy advancing and receding… and advancing again… is also growing. The number of coaches I talk to whose income has gone down and who are at risk of losing heart is also growing. And this is before we look to our colleagues across Europe and around the world and begin to consider their experiences.

It would be easy to respond in ways that reinforce a sense of downward spiral and, at the same time, I am curious to connect with, immerse myself in and contribute to the “good news”. I write today to ask you what you see as the good news in our current economic climate and to share some perceptions of my own:

• Perhaps the ultimate good news is that our current economic cycle is just that. As much as the downturn brings bad news for a number of industries, challenging them to reform or else to slowly fade away (and even suddenly disappear), there are other sectors whose moment has come. One of these is the green energy sector. What other sectors do you notice which are poised to lead us out of recession?

• I notice that our current climate favours those who are able to step back and take the long view, and those who are emotionally resilient, purposeful and highly adaptable. It’s not just that these are the people who are in demand amongst employers. It’s also that these are the people who are able to spring back with or without the support of an employer. Who are the people who are best adapted to maintain their equilibrium, to find their way through and to contribute to our progress?

• I begin to see a welcome shift in the conversations going on around me, which some might view as paradoxical. It seems to me that the more job loss and business failure seems possible for us all, the more we feel able to share and talk with others about our concerns and the less people take things personally. I observe more people reaching out for help and support and more people coming forward to provide it. I wonder what you observe in the dialogue that surrounds you?

• Finally, my experience of the recession of the late 80s/early 90s suggests to me that recession brings with it opportunities for renewal and reform and this in turn carries with it the possibility that the world will be a better place following the recession than it was before it. I wonder, what do you see as the welcome reforms that this recession is bringing, might bring or “ought” to bring with it?

And finally and because I am a coach I notice my curiosity is aroused in relation to coaching and the recession. Perhaps two fundamental questions are these: who is most in need of coaching right now? And who is most likely to invest in coaching? And a third question is this: who are the people who are both likely to benefit from coaching and ready to pay for it?

I am also curious about the questions – and answers – that come up for you as you read this posting. And also about the sources of information and comment that spring to mind as you read this posting.  Please leave your comments below.

Crossing the Unknown Sea

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“Work provides safety.
To define work in other ways than safety is to risk our illusions of immunity in the one organized area of life where we seem to keep nature and the world at bay”.
David Whyte
Crossing the Unknown Sea:  Work as a Pilgrimage of Identity
Recently, amongst the people with whom I spent five days at Vicky Peirce’s Come to Life Barn, I enjoyed meeting David, a recent graduate embarking on his career at a time when the economy is rocky and jobs are scarce.  Returning from the Barn and pondering our current economic situation I found myself picking up a book which has been waiting to be read for some time, David Whyte’s Crossing the Unknown Sea:  Work as a Pilgrimage of Identity.
With his characteristic style David Whyte draws on his own experiences and on the writings of others to reveal and explore the depths that await us if we only dare to bring ourselves fully to the experience of our work.  Every page reveals a deep truth about our relationship with work and about the relationship with ourselves which is revealed through this relationship.  The theme of conversation is woven throughout the book and I am at risk (though only very slightly) of losing sight of the overall arc of the book as I read sentence after sentence that lends itself to being quoted elsewhere.
As I read I also reflect on the experiences of friends, colleagues and clients in our current climate.  It seems to me that we have moved beyond redundancy as something that is happening to a few other people towards redundancy as something that is only a step away from each and every one of us.  With this comes a challenge to those of us for whom work is our primary and underlying security – for when our chief underlying security is no longer secure, we are challenged to look elsewhere.
The possibility or experience of job loss has a significant impact on the conversations we hold – at times without awareness – with ourselves.  For some, this is a devastating experience, rocking our very sense of self as someone worthwhile and with something to contribute.  We can see this in individuals and also in whole communities affected by the loss of an industry with which generations of neighbours and family members have become deeply entwined.  For others, redundancy becomes an opportunity to engage with deeper questions of who we are, what we want and what we bring, opening up new possibilities and pathways towards work as an expression of our true selves.  It is to these people that Whyte’s book is calling and it is with these people that I love to work in coaching partnership.
The possibility or experience of job loss is also something that shapes the conversations we have with one another.  For as we become aware that keeping our heads down and doing a good job may not be enough to secure our position in the workplace we are invited to reach out in mutual understanding and support.  Amongst the outcomes that our current climate can bring this is one that I see as entirely positive.  This is a movement away from a brightly-surfaced, brittle isolation towards a greater depth and intimacy in our conversations.  And once the surface of our isolation is broken and trust is established our world has already expanded and has the potential to continue to expand. 
For this reason, speaking to a client about the situation he faces as possible redundancy ebbs and flows, I notice that I cannot put my hand on heart and say that I truly wish he does not have to face the loss of his current job.  For whatever lies ahead I know that he – along with others like him – has the resources he needs to experience such a loss as an opening, a blossoming, as an experience by which he learns more about himself and his possibilities.  Whilst I do not have any wish for him that he lose his job, I do come back to my faith in the richness of human experience and in our capacity to learn, grow and thrive.
PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Des Lichts und Lebens Quelle

About Dorothy

Sometimes, the experience of singing is so rich that it’s hard to know what to write following a concert – so many threads to be followed, so much that could be said.

Of our concert on Sunday (Haydn’s Seasons) it’s true to say that I didn’t anticipate at the beginning of our rehearsal schedule the joy I would experience in singing this piece for the first time, as the early grind and impossible “note bashing” of our early rehearsals (“will I ever get my head around this piece?”) gave place in time to the deep delights of performing it under the beloved baton of Sir Colin Davis and alongside the exquisite singing of our three young soloists, Miah Perrson, Jeremy Ovenden and Andrew Foster-Williams.

It is not unusual, when we sing a piece that is not part of our ongoing repertoire, for the chorus to come to our first rehearsal with the conductor with anxieties about our preparedness.  This was true last week when it seemed to us that there were corners of the piece we had barely sung before.  And still, during our final week we rehearsed every day and grew in confidence.  And when we grow in confidence we often grow to love the piece we are singing as I did Haydn’s Seasons.

There were moments of humour, too.  When we sang our pleas for rescue from the summer storm (“Wo ist Rettung!”) our dramatic intent was just a little too dramatic for Joseph Cullen, our Chorus Director, who reminded the sopranos that we were not singing Tosca.  Sheepishly, a number of us confessed to each other during our break that we wondered if this remark was addressed at us (“was it me?”)  And because I know I have one of the larger voices of the section I was quite happy to come back after a rehearsal break to find a leaflet for Tosca perched on my score (thanks, Eileen!) and to pipe down just a little when Joseph let me know that yes, I could be heard above the rest of the section.

It would be a great omission to write without mentioning our regular partners, the London Symphony Orchestra.  I particularly noticed the commitment of the orchestra’s leader who could be seen (and heard) practising some of the intricacies of the piece in the breaks and whose exhortations to the players revealed a passion to go way beyond simply playing the right notes at the right time.  (If only our national football team could play under such a coach!)

Our own coaching included some fine tuning by Norbert who brought a singer’s understanding of what it takes to project the German text as well as a native speaker’s knowledge of the language.  Amongst the vocal coaches we have worked with Norbert stands out as being both fun and effective to work with.

So, as I write, I am still singing extracts from this piece I have come to know and love in recent weeks and I find myself relfecting on the deep sense of priviledge I continue to feel after half a lifetime (yes, half my lifetime) of singing as a member of the London Symphony Chorus.

Even as I yearn to catch up with last week’s sleep deficit, my gratitude is heartfelt.

 

Can you absolutely know that what you’ve chosen to believe about yourself is true?

Developing as a leader, ,

Going through my e-mails I come to a short film shared by coaching colleague Emma Chilvers from Nik Askew’s website at http://www.soulbiographies.com/.  I haven’t come across the site before, which sends out short films (this one three minutes) by subscription on a Monday morning.

They are not films to watch in a hurry even though they’re short:  this three minute film has brief content that bears deep thought and unrolls at a pace which requires ease rather than haste.

The message, delivered by Katies Byron, is thought-provoking and points to the way we can limit ourselves by holding beliefs about ourselves as if they were true.  I wonder about the implications for us as we develop.  I wonder about the implications for us as we develop as leaders.

The message?

Most of us believe the thoughts we hold about ourselves to be true.  Without question.  Even though they diminish our capacity for life.

Few ever wonder if ‘such thoughts’ are true.

Can you abolutely know that what you’ve chosen to believe about yourself is true?

The perennial leadership challenge: how to give feedback to staff

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When it comes to feedback, there are some key issues that are out of sight in terms of our beliefs and values.  It can help to get clear about these before deciding on approaches to feedback.
We live in a society whose coverts beliefs are about right and wrong, reward and punishment.  This is variously labelled, for example, as the “domination society”, or “patriarchal” or “unilateral control”.  In organisations this can be (though it doesn’t need to be) reinforced by hierarchy, where “I am more senior than you” can equate to “I am right and you are wrong”.  I am wondering as I write if the (in)famous “feedback sandwich” comes from this model – whilst it recognises and attempts to shield people’s feelings from negative feedback the feedback still comes from the idea that I have perceptions that are correct.
There is another approach which sees both parties as having needs which need to be met, having a contribution to make, having things to learn.  Again, there are various terms which get used to describe this such as the “mutual learning model” (Roger Schwarz), “nonviolent communication” (Marshall Rosenberg) and no doubt more besides.  In these approaches feedback is, frankly, as much about the person giving feedback as it is about the person receiving it, recognising that both parties have needs to be met and both parties have things to learn.  Hierarchy plays a role in terms of job function and responsibilities but not in terms of who is right and who is wrong.
So, when it comes to seeking out an effective model for giving feedback, it helps to be clear about your aspirations in terms of the underlying principles – beliefs, values etc. – that you want your preferred model to meet.  One way of understanding the implications of different approaches (in this case leadership approaches) is to read Goleman’s The New Leaders.  Essentially, leadership styles which come from the domination model can be valuable in certain specific and limited (especially crisis) situations but tend to undermine performance in the long term.  Douglas McGregor’s X and Y Theory (outlined in The Human Side of Enterprise) also points to this distinction as does Alfie Kohn’s Punished by Rewards.
If you want to understand the different underlying approaches read Goleman, McGregor, Kohn.  If you want to explore how to give feedback in line with the second (Goleman and colleagues call it “resonant”) approach, read Rosenberg and Schwarz.



PS  Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Moments of truth on the path to learning

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A client in coaching has the first inkling that their current employer may not be able to meet their current or future career needs or perhaps that their marital partner of many years may not be able to meet them as the person they have become.  It is a moment of great challenge for the client:  a moment when he or she opens a door that, in truth, has been held firmly closed for some time and against a growing body of evidence.

This can become a time of “yes, but… no, but…” as the person seeking coaching dances between two different parts of self.  One part yearns to live life fully and to explore and pursue every need.  Another part has many concerns, from fear of the unknown to some lurking sense of disloyalty at the thought of leaving a job or a lover, preferring stasis to the uncertainties of an as-yet-undiscovered future.

Sometimes the coach gets caught in the crossfire, as if the first inkling that something might be true is equal to the final decision to leave.  As the client back-pedals from his or her own insights the coach may be left holding the idea of change as if it were his or her own.

The truth is such moments, whilst they look like the end of one path are always the beginning of another.  And whilst the coach may be able to say, “ah!  I’ve been here before with other clients on other journeys”, he or she is at this stage as ignorant as the client of the outcomes that may in time come from their work together.  It could go either way.  For who knows what needs might be seeking expression until the client reaches a point of readiness to explore?  And only when those needs have been identified and understood can the client decide how best they might be met.

(And here’s a note to clients everywhere:  if your coach claims to know the outcome of your journey ahead of time – beware!  For even when there are trends and likelihoods, your coach needs to be guided by you, supporting you in forging your own path.  The coach who leads you down a path that is not your own does not serve you well or support you in seeking out and understanding your own wisdom and guidance).