All posts by Dorothy Nesbit

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it by living someone else’s life

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Your time is limited, so don’t waste it by living someone else’s life
Steve Jobs
CEO, Apple

In London, students have been protesting at the proposal to raise the fees for attending university.  As I write, MPs are facing a controversial vote in Parliament which will have been decided by the time this post is published.  In the day’s news and commentary journalists have been highlighting just how many MPs on both sides of the house, in the run-up to the Parliamentary debate, have been undecided which way to vote.
As a country, our need to balance our books is a current driver for this proposal and yet, it seems to me, there are much larger issues at stake.  They are not all negative, so that – even whilst remembering that my own university education was entirely paid for by the state – I am undecided which way to lean.  I am aware, for example, that many of our country’s greatest entrepreneurs did not complete a university education and I wonder if, by inviting students to consider what they want from university and to calculate whether or not they want to make the investment needed to achieve this (financial or other) return-on-investment, we encourage the very entrepreneurialism which our politicians so often say is lacking (even whilst encouraging its surpression by the messages they give about and through education – a whole topic of its own).
It’s not that I am decided on this issue – I am open to look at it from all sides and I am sure that it would take more looking at than I am likely to do to reach an informed and considered conclusion.  I’d like to think that this is what the politicians are doing on my behalf, even whilst recognising the likelihood that more immediate concerns will stand in the way of a much larger picture.
I am, though, sure that – with or without education – we are born with resources which are apt to manifest themselves.  Insofar as education adds value, it does so by supporting us in becoming the person we are meant to become – like the acorn becoming the oak – rather than by seeking to mould us into something we are not.  Everything that I feel most passionate about – education, training, coaching, leadership – has this truth at its heart.
So it was striking to me as I found myself watching, once again, one of the wonderful short talks on http://www.ted.com/, to hear Steve Jobs talk to students graduating from Stanford University about how to live before you die.  Jobs spoke about his own experience of dropping out of university only to spend a further eighteen months dropping in on those lectures that most appealed to him whilst kipping on the floors of his friends and returning Coke bottles in order to get the 5 cent return which would pay for his food.  He talked about how his learning served him in setting up what became Apple.  He talked about being sacked from Apple and, by a quirk of fate, setting up a company that later became part of Apple so that he, one-time CEO of Apple became CEO again.  Jobs could not foresee the outcomes that would come from following his instincts in this somewhat unconventional way and still, they came, and they came from doing what he most enjoyed.
And in the midst of his fascinating talk came the most arresting of his comments which I offer once more for the sheer joy of his insight when he says:  Your time is limited, so don’t waste it by living someone else’s life.
If you were living the life that you – and only you – were born to live, what life would that be?

Working with a sense of flow

Emotional Intelligence, ,
Establish a place of work where engineers can feel the joy of technological innovation, be aware of their mission to society and work to their heart’s content.
Masaru Ibuka
First “purposes of incorporation” of Sony
There’s a name I have yet to master, so it’s a cut and paste rendition for me:  Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi has made it his mission to understand what makes people happy, recognising that research – again and again – shows that, beyond a certain level, money isn’t where it’s at.
Csikszentmihalyi’s classic text, Flow:  The Psychology of Happiness, has made it from my Amazon wishlist to my study and still has yet to be read.  So I was curious to receive a link to a speech by Csikszentmihalyi on the wonderful www.TED.com which is also available on YouTube – just follow this link to hear him talk for just short of twenty minutes about his life’s work.

What questions does it raise?  I wonder, how many of us achieve this state of flow and how often?  What would our life be like if this were a regular part of our experience?  And what would our experience of work be like if we made it our mission to pursue flow as a primary goal in our careers?  (Or if, as leaders, we made it a primary goal of our leadership to create a work environment in which those we lead experience the state of flow in their work?)

Masaru Ibuka seems to have recognised the possibilities for our lives in the workplace in his first “purposes of incorporation” for Sony.  As I write I recognise that it’s easy to look to the organisations we work for to facilitate our own sense of flow.  I wonder, are you ready to be responsible for this aspect of your life?

PS  Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Making an empowered choice

Emotional Intelligence

“Should you not report sexual harrassment at work?  What happenes to the women who report it?”  This question comes up on the Human Resources UK group on LinkedIn and I notice it draws my attention.  I notice the implicit assumption that being harrassed is a women-only experience.  I also ponder the difference between coming to such an experience as a victim and coming to it as someone who is empowered to make choices.  This is my response on the forum:

From the point of view of the person who is viewing the behaviour of another as harrassment, two key questions (in my view) are this: is he or she ready to open up a conversation with uncertain outcomes? And what is the cost of not doing so?

We face the same dilemma in every area of our lives. For example, there was a time following the death of my father when I became aware that one friend was unhappy because I wasn’t choosing to spend as much time with her as I had been used to and I was making a different decision with another friend. She shared her feelings with me and I invested time in listening. I also asked her to hear what was going on for me and, effectively, she said no. For me, this was a process of discovery, finding out about the limits of our friendship and, ultimately, led me to let go of that friendship. I was ready for that. Some others might not have been.

Coming back to sexual harrassment at work, anyone who chooses to open up a dialogue about their experiences is choosing to find out more about the organisation they work for as well as about the person whose behaviour he or she is not enjoying. It’s likely that this won’t always be pretty. At the same time, this does open up further choices. Of course the question is there to be asked: what’s the learning for me in this situation? And there is also the question: given what I have experienced as a result of raising an allegation of sexual harrassment, do I want to stay with this organisation or move on?

Perhaps there’s a question here about whether we come to the dialogue as a “victim” or as an empowered person who is ready to find out more and use new insights to make decisions.

Of course, there is so much more that could be said.  This was my starter for ten.

Ways to liberate yourself from the power of the amygdala hijack

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In recent days I have been writing about what Goleman labelled the “amygdala hijack” in his book Emotional Intelligence.  In this posting I want to offer some options for the person who wants to reduce the destructive power of the hijack in their lives and perhaps even to transform this energy into a power for good.  I don’t go into any option in depth (though that may come later).  Rather, I open up avenues for exploration – options to play with (and, as they say on all the reality TV shows nowadays, “in no particular order”):

  • One option which dampens the fire of amygdala emotion is to develop the practice of inserting words and phrases by which we take ownership of our thoughts – such words and phrases as “I believe…” or “I have a voice within me that’s saying…”  There’s a world of difference, for example, between saying that “you are lazy and selfish and a waste of space” and saying “I believe you are lazy and selfish and a waste of space”.  Even if we insert this phrase into our thinking it shines a light on the self rather than the other and makes us more likely to remind ourselves of the role we are playing.  Quite simply, the emotional sting is not so sharp when we own our thoughts in this way;
  • Another option is to remind yourself that you can’t change the others, you can only change yourself.  Like the option above this brings our attention back to where it belongs – to the self.  Why does it belong here?  Not least because this is where we have the power to make changes.  Perhaps it’s worth adding that Gandhi took this idea one step further with his oft repeated mantra to “be the change you want to be in the world”.  In other words, what is it you would like to see in the other person that you are not seeing?  And are you demonstrating the same qualities ourselves?  To explore this is to begin to set an example in the area that is so important to us;
  • Another – and no less challenging – option (look out for a posting on this) is to let go of the idea that there is anything wrong.  The idea that someone should be another way is the fast-track route to the amygdala hijack.  If you start from the premise that the situation – or person or event – is what it is you can begin to focus your attention elsewhere.  (I mentioned Katie Byron in my first posting and you might like to explore her work in this area);
  • Another option is to look behind your immediate emotions for the underlying emotions you feel and for the needs of yours that are not being met in a situation.  This opens up the possibility of sharing your needs and making a request of the other person.  As simple as this sounds in theory, this level of ownership of our feelings and needs takes practice in a culture in which many of us are alienated from our underlying feelings and needs.  Marshall Rosenberg has made it his mission to share this simple approach under the name of Nonviolent Communication;
  • You might like to master the NLP “meta-mirror” or a similar approach as a way to transform highly charged emotion.  I wrote about this technique in my recent posting (Thinking of all the mirrors in my bedroom).  This is an approach designed to transform our perspective.  You can read about this, too, in my recent postings (As a meta of fact);
  • Finally, I offer the ultimate test of all:  speak to the person or people involved and share what’s going on for you.  I offer this not because it is the most effective communication strategy.  Rather, I offer this because it is probably the ultimate test for you of where you’re at.  Initially, it’s quite possible that sharing yourself in this way may lead to good old-fashioned argument!  In this way, you’ll know your way of thinking is off the mark.  Over time, as you become more self aware, the thought of sharing what’s alive for you may prompt you to say “mmm… I have more work to do to transform my way of thinking before I share”.  Ultimately, there may be relationships in which you do want to share your thoughts and feelings and to ask for the other person’s understanding.

Finally, I reach out to you and invite your insights and experiences.  Which of these approaches have you tried and with what outcomes?  What other approaches have you tried that work for you?

Freedom from the “amygdala hijack”: the benefits of transforming your thinking

Emotional Intelligence

Recently I wrote a posting One step on the long walk to freedom from the “amygdala hijack” in which I invited the reader to be curious about the thinking that sits behind the amygdala hijack – the moment in which you are triggered by a person, event or situation so that your emotions come with such speed and intensity that it seems as if they control you rather than you them.  I promised to write more about the actions we can take to transform the thinking behind the amygdala hijack and this is my intention for my next posting.  First though, what outcomes can we expect if we are able to transform our thinking and what benefits might they lead to?

What outcomes can we expect if we are able to transform the thinking that triggers such strong emotions?  In my view, these outcomes reflect the increasing levels of capability we demonstrate as we learn to transform our thinking:

  • Transforming our thinking after the event may not be ideal – most people want to be free of the amygdala hijack – and still, it opens a pathway for letting go of the event itself as well as for learning in the longer term.  In short, it opens up options that are not open to us as long as we hold on to the thinking that fuels the hijack in the first place;
  • Developing the skills to transform our thinking in the moment makes it more likely that we can interact with others in stressful moments in ways which work for both parties.  In other words, transforming our thinking in the moment makes it more likely that everyone’s needs can be honoured and met – including our own;
  • Developing the skills to transform our thinking over time opens up a wide range of new possibilities.  Our commitment to transform our thinking and our practice of transforming our thinking over time makes it easier to transform our thinking in the moment and can also reduce the frequency and intensity of our amygdala hijacks.  In time, we can come to see the hijack as an ally – showing us where we still have some learning to do.

What are the benefits that follow on from these outcomes?  As I ask myself this question, I wonder just how long this list might be – and decide to highlight just three:

  • Transforming our thinking leads to radically improved relationships – with ourselves and others.  This is true in the personal and professional sphere;
  • Transforming our thinking helps us meet our needs far more effectively – including our need to contribute in positive ways to the lives of others; and
  • Transforming our thinking leads to improved health and well-being – from our physical health (reduced blood pressure and everything that this might lead to) to our emotional and psychological well-being.

Is this a quick and easy process?  I’m not sure it is.  Some scientists have posited the theory that the amygdalae are part of the limbic system of the brain and that this in turn is older in evolutional terms than other parts of the brain.  The amygdala hijack occurs because our ancient brain perceives a threat of some sort and because the perception of the threat is disproportionate to the threat itself.  In other words, it’s possible we’re wired to have the amygdala hijack as a matter of survival.

Even without the science, the experience of the amygdala hijack is one we all experience and will continue to experience over time.  In my next posting, I hope to offer some ways to move forward – though I can’t promise anyone a hijack-free life.

What is it you really want? Getting to the heart of your needs

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As I begin to write this posting I have a sneaking susipcion that I may have written it already and still, this is a topic that comes up again and again and again:  what is it that you really want?  Coaching helps people to clarify what they really want and, at the same time, it is not unusual for my clients to find it challenging to tune into their desires.  This posting is prompted by conversations with one such client and also supports recent postings.

Firstly, let’s clarify one thing.  What is the difference between “wants” and “needs”?  The school of NLP (to which I shall return below) offers the question “what do you want?” whilst the school of nonviolent communication (or NVC) talks about needs.  What’s the difference?  In truth, when we drill down far enough we get beyond the surface manifestations of our desires to understand the needs that (we think) would be met if were to have what we want.  This is the difference between the promotion or the big flash car (the strategy by which we plan to meet our needs) and the sense that we are seen and admired (the need we hope to meet by that strategy).  It helps to understand the underlying need as a way to test the strategy by which we plan to meet it – is the promotion (or… insert your own strategy here) the right tool for the job?

But how do we test our true needs?  NLP (I said I would return to NLP) offers a neat questioning strategy to do this.  The first question is simple:  “what do I want?”  So far so good – often the answer expresses a strategy rather than the needs that lie beneath the strategy.  So, the second question probes further:  “what would that do for me?”  By repeating the second question we come ever closer to identifying the underlying needs we are hoping to meet.

My client asked me what she might be looking for when she identifies a need so I offer a link to the needs identified by Marshall Rosenberg and colleagues on the Center for Nonviolent Communication (see needs list).  Key to this list is the non-specific nature of each need.  When we understand that our underlying need is for support, for example, we are no longer bound to meet it in one and only one way.  We can start to get creative.  What support do we need?  And what (multiple) forms might that support take that would meet our need?

There are at least two good signs that we have understood our needs.  The first is that we have gone beyond any physical manifestation of our need to identify something that does not have physical form (such as love, or respect or honesty).  A second good sign is the feeling that accompanies this identification of our need.  I experience this as a kind of “coming home”, a moment when I become calm and contented even when the need has yet to be met.

And yes, this is an amazing thing about identifying our needs in this way.  By being present to our needs we have a sense of fullness rather than a sense of lack.  In the world of nonviolent communication, Robert Gonzales and colleagues describe this as the living energy of needs.

One step on the long walk to freedom from the “amygdala hijack”

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Have you noticed how, at times, an experience you are having triggers strong emotions in you – emotions that come with such speed and intensity that it seems as if they control you rather than you them?  At the time, you are likely to be filled with thoughts about yourself or the other person – critical thoughts, laden with generalisations (“why does she always have to do x, y or z…?”), judgements (“what a ****!”) and (oh, yes!) expletives.  Favourite places for this experience are in the family, behind the wheel of a car or when we are being served and are unhappy with the service available.  And yes, there may also be times when we are triggered in this way at work.

After the event we may continue to tell the story that we told ourselves at the time.  This has the benefit of leaving our dignity intact in our own eyes:  we were justified after all, given that… The downsides of maintaining our story are several.  So thin is the veneer that protects us from a deeper truth that we may start to exaggerate the truth in order to convince ourselves that we were in the right, increasing the likelihood of an ongoing breakdown in communication and missing the opportunity for some important learning.  What’s more, over the course of a lifetime, our stories create our life – so it’s worth checking out that the life you create by the thoughts you have in these moments is the life you want to create.

And what if it’s not?  It’s one thing to recognise the moments in which you are triggered and another to know what to do that will change your response.  In truth, so common is the experience of what scientists call the “amygdala hijack” that many approaches have sought to address it in ways which empower their followers to be free from its powerfully destructive effects.  Marshall Rosenberg, for example, through his work (including his book Nonviolent Communication:  A Language for Life) offers ways to transform the thinking behind the emotion and so does Katie Byron, whose book Loving What Is:  Four Questions That Can Change Your Life is widely available.  Both have dedicated their lives to pursuing and sharing ways that have worked for them in this area and their websites (www.cnvc.org for Marshall Rosenberg and www.thework.com for Katie Byron) are a rich resource for anyone who wants to explore ways to be free from the effects on their lives of being triggered in this way.

It’s easy – and perhaps admirable – when you’re seeking to move beyond the approaches you take when you are triggered to look for alternative strategies for responding in a given situation.  It’s also largely ineffective until you can penetrate the surface of your emotion to understand its cause and transform it.  Rosenberg and Byron both point to the importance of transforming the thinking that stimulates the emotion.  Yes, you heard it:  the thinking that stimulates the emotion.  For it’s not the situation itself but rather the way we think about the situation which stimulates the pain and anger we feel in a given moment.

In case you want to take steps on the road to understanding your own triggers I offer some questions and the invitation to be curious:

  • What are the situations or people in which your emotions are most easily triggered?  You might like to think of examples and to examine specific examples using the questions below;
  • What was it about each situation which stimulated your emotions?  Be as specific as you can as you respond to this question;
  • What were your thoughts about this situation?  What assumptions, beliefs and presuppositions were in your mind (of which you may or may not have been aware)?
  • What needs did you have that were yearning to be met in this situation?  I write more about needs in my next posting, recognising that many of us find it hard to connect with our needs in a given moment or after the event;
  • Which part of you was triggered in each situation?  This question recognises that our triggers often relate to specific (often younger) parts of ourselves whose needs were not met. 

As I write, I recognise that this posting is one step – and only one step – on the long walk to freedom from the amygdala hijack.  As well as making a note to write about needs in my next posting, I also make a note to write more about next steps:  once you have understood your thoughts, what can you do to transform them?

PS  Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

  

Welcoming your parts to the party

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In recent weeks I have written a couple of times about the idea that we have different “parts”, in my postings From the stable of NLP: parts integration and Championing your inner parts.  But how many parts do we have?  And how do you begin to identify your parts?  This question was brought to me recently – though not for the first time – by a client who was becoming aware of the different parts of her which were responding in diverse situations.

In case you’re wondering what on earth I’m talking about, I offer an example from my own experience.  I remember taking part in a major research project, in 1999, into what differentiates the most outstanding teachers.  The project included visiting schools across the country to interview 180 teachers, as well as observing lessons and a range of additional activities.  Since I have no children of my own my visits to school are rare so my first visit to a school on this project reminded me powerfully of my own school days – it was as if Dorothy the school girl was showing up all over again with all the fears and excitements she brought to her own experience of school.  The experience of visiting that first school was, at the time, a strong invitation to that younger me.

How many parts do we have?  Caroline Myss, in her book Sacred Contracts:  Awakening Your Divine Potential, draws on Jung’s theories to highlight the role of universal archetypes in our lives, suggesting that each of us has up to twelve archetypes that are strongly in play in our lives as well as others whose energies come into play in particular situations.  Further, she suggests that each archetype has both a positive and a “shadow” side and, as such, are guardians of important lessons as part of what she calls our “sacred contract”.

Many clients of coaching, for example, are familiar with – and in all likelihood frustrated by – their saboteur archetype.  This is the part of us which can cause us to hold back and to make choices which block our own empowerment and success.  “What can be the good in that?”, you might ask.  In some schools of thinking the saboteur is cast as a “gremlin” which we are invited to ignore.  In some schools of thinking, the saboteur is seen as the guardian of our safety.  Myss sees the saboteur as the guardian of an important lession for us:  drawing to our attention situations in which we are in danger of being sabotaged or of sabotaging ourselves.  With awareness, we can learn to heed the warnings of the saboteur and to avoid making the same mistakes repeatedly.  Without awareness, the shadow saboteur will manifest in the form of self-destructive behaviour or the desire to undermine others.

Myss’ book is a rich resource for anyone who wants to study this subject more fully and includes descriptions of a wide range of archetypes which help the reader to identify their own “support team”.  At the same time there are other ways to become familiar with our parts so I offer some questions here as my “starter for ten”, in case you want to identify and get to know your parts:

  • In the different areas of your life, which “you” is showing up?  Take time over days, weeks or months to notice the different “yous” who show up across the full range of your life;
  • As you identify each “you”, notice what you know about him or her.  How old is she, for example?  How tall?  What does she wear?  Where does she hang out?  I could go on… 
  • In the way that she’s showing up right now, is she a force for good or ill in your life?  How do you respond to him or her?  This is an important question, highlighting areas where you have yet to learn to cooperate with your parts and to work together to the benefit of your learning and progress;
  • What is the primary intention of each part?  What purpose or even lesson does he or she represent in your life?  To what extent have you learnt that lesson?

In most cases, we have parts that we favour and some that we firmly reject.  Understanding the purpose each part plays in our lives can lead us to new learning and to a relationship with each part which supports us rather than undermines us.  For this reason I invite you to welcome each part – each “you”.

PS  Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

From the club of mutual admiration

Clients and testimonials, ,
It was my great pleasure recently to meet Sean Conrad.  I first met Sean when I interviewed him, in 2005, for a post with MunichRe.  It was clear to me then that I was interviewing someone of great talent.  I felt moved to offer to recommend Sean on LinkedIn.  This is what I wrote:
When I conducted an executive assessment of Sean on behalf of Munich re in 2005, I discovered a young man who combined both the deeply technical skills of his profession and the depth and breadth of competency (or emotional intelligence) needed to progress way beyond the role for which he was applying.  His ability to think strategically and to see the big picture stand out as an asset for a future senior executive.  Though you probably won’t hear it from Sean, you can expect him to make a great contribution and to go a long way.  It’s my pleasure to watch him progress.
Sean had also valued the experience, recognising and valuing the investment MunichRe had made in him whilst he worked with them.  He gave the following recommendation which now sits on my own profile on LinkedIn:
I met Dorothy during my interview process at Munich Re and continued working with her through the company’s management development program.  Dorothy is very perceptive which makes her a valuable resource in the interview process, able to indentify whether a candidate possesses the key attributes necessary for a specific role.  In her role as an executive coach, she challenged me in an encouraging way and her personal interest made me feel like she was invested in my success.  I have enjoyed working with Dorothy and am confident she would add value and insight to any individual or team she works with.

Sean Conrad
See LinkedIn for Sean’s profile

Thank you, Sean!  As I write I am raising a metaphorical glass to you! 

The power of observation

Emotional Intelligence, ,
The greatest form of human intelligence is to observe without evaluation.
 
R. Krishnamurti
Philosopher
 
Again and again I come across this quote from R. Krishnamurti even whilst noticing how often our use of language confuses observation with evaluation or judgement.  So common is our practice of combining the two that our language is woven through with nouns, verbs and phrases in which an evaluation is presented as a fact.  This is true in journalism and politics, for example, when we describe a man or a woman as a “terrorist” or when we use any number of verbs (“struggle” and “cope” are just two examples) which suggest our response to what we see at least as much as they accurately represent what we observe.
And of course, as much as we can look to our journalists and politicians for examples of this conflation of observation and judgement, we have plenty to investigate in our own use of language.  How often do we describe someone as “difficult” or “aggressive”, for example?  How often do we use such words as “bullying” or “abuse”?  What other words do we conjure when our loved ones stimulate in us feelings of anger or irritation, when our staff or colleagues don’t give us the behaviour or results we want or when we do not receive the level of service we yearn for out in the world?  Our language would be much more precise (as well as more wordy) if we were to replace such phrases as “John was so agressive in our meeting” with such phrases as “when I heard John speak more loudly than anyone else in the room and watched him stand up and lean forward mid-way through his response to the Chairman I thought ‘my!  you’re really behaving aggressively today!'”
One of the reasons I value Marshall Rosenberg’s work in the field of nonviolent communication is because it teaches people to differentiate between their observations and their evaluations as a matter of habit.  This is not to say that such habits are gained with ease.  It can be easy to tell yourself that your language is clunky and awkward (hey!  more evaluations!) or that others will not – or do not – accept your turn of phrase when you commit to clearly distinguish between what you observe and how you respond to it.
And in case you’re reading this and thinking, “what on earth is the difference that’s being highlighted here?” or “how can I distinguish between the two?” I invite you to get curious about your own use of language or the language of others.  When, for example, would it work to insert an “I’ve concluded” or an “I believe” in a sentence?  And what do you notice about another person or situation (or even about yourself) that leads you to the descriptive words you use – from “lazy” or “difficult” to “beautiful” and “industrious”?  For whether you are responding positively or negatively to a person or situation the words you use are likely to reflect your response – your evaluation – as much as your observation.
Krishnamurti’s conclusion is that the greatest form of human intelligence is to observe without evaluation.  It may take us all a long time to let go of our evaluations.  Meantime, owning them is just one step along the way.
PS  And if you feel like sharing examples of what you notice, please post them here in the comments section of this blog.