All posts by Dorothy Nesbit

How to make the tougher decisions you face

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

What do you do when you face a decision that is finely balanced and with no easy answer?  This is the question my coaching client brought to our session recently.  She had been weighing the pros and cons of two very clear options and had yet to come to a decision.

Checking in with her gut instincts she already had an answer.  I invited her to rehearse the reasons for her choice as a way of grounding her decision.  She did and they seemed clear and compelling.  It was interesting, then, to hear a “six out of ten” when I asked her:  given all the reasons you outlined, what mark out of ten would you give to reflect your level of conviction that this is the right decision?  It was clear that something more was needed.

I invited her to try each option on for size.  She tried on the first option, noticing all the likely outcomes from this decision in the near-, medium- and longer-term, together with the implications for her – the work involved in following through with her decision.  This gave her new insights into the benefits and limitations of this option.  Then she tried on her second option, going through the same process.

One issue came up when she thought through her second option:  the amount of time she thought it would take in the short term to follow through with this option.  We discussed the resources she could call on so that the weight of this short-term follow-through could be spread out a little, leaving her free to focus on another – key – area of her job.  Once she had identified these new possibilities, this second option looked much more attractive in the longer term.

As a result of this process her decision – which was not the decision to which her gut instinct had initially led her – was one she could sign up to with a full conviction.  What’s more, she was clear that her next steps needed to include making a plan and gaining support in order to access the resources she needed for her short-term follow-through.

My satisfaction came from knowing that my client not only had a decision she could approach with conviction in what was, without question, a difficult situation:  she also had a process she could return to when making decisions in the future.

I wonder, what’s your process for making the tougher decisions you face?

Starting the HR year as we mean to go on

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The Human Resources UK group on LinkedIn, which serves a wide variety of professionals with an interest in Human Resources, today launches “Discuss HR”, a regular blog to which I have agreed to contribute.

In response to Ed’s request I agreed to offer the first posting – very slightly daunting!  With the aim of stimulating discussion I offered the posting below, which is published today:

January, 2011. Traditionally, the New Year is a time of new beginnings. At the same time, New Year’s resolutions have long since fallen into disrepute – even as we make our resolutions we often know we don’t intend to keep them. This is the land of “should” and “ought tos”.

As I reflect on the year ahead, I wonder how much HR suffers from the same ebb and flow of new beginnings, rich with promise, that fizzle out with a quiet ignominy: the change project that starts with a big fanfare and support from the Board and which, by the time it fails to deliver, has somehow become the sole responsibility of HR; the leadership development programme that holds such hope yet never bears the fruits of clarity about the leadership aspirations of the organisation – let alone the development of a cadre of leaders who are skilled in the organisation’s chosen approach. I’ve yet to meet an HR director who complains that s/he has too many skilled leaders.

Is it possible that the HR profession is – at times – its own worst enemy? Sometimes I am shocked by what HR professionals will buy and from whom: products and services that are not designed to deliver the outcomes required by the business or, when they are, from people who have little skill and experience in delivering. Fundamental tenets of leadership are touched on in courses with no sense that there will be any follow through. Competency models are designed by people who have not conducted any research into what makes the difference between effective and outstanding performance in a given role or organisation. And how many HR professionals, when they deserve due credit, expect the accolades to come walking down the corridor to find them in their office – and then wonder why they never arrive?

So, at the start of 2011, I wonder what changes in the way we do “HR” would make the biggest and most positive difference, both in the impact HR has on the business and in the reputation of the HR profession in the organisations we serve. Reflecting on my own experience – as a trainer, consultant and coach – I have my own favourite. I wonder what would be different in our work-places if our work were rooted in a deep understanding and full acceptance of what is – what some call a phenomenological approach. This implies understanding the implications of widely available and deep research and committing to apply this understanding when we embark on new initiatives.

What might we do differently with a full commitment to such an approach? Here are just three ideas – my starter for ten:

1. On the road to making changes we would give up a “pass or fail” approach and measure success by the way we negotiate setbacks and adapt our approach to secure progress towards key goals. Recognising that there’s no failure, only feedback, any signs that a project isn’t working would be taken as a sign that adjustment is needed to the way we move towards our goals;

2. Before embarking on new initiatives we would get clear and strong conceptual agreement for projects at the most senior levels and these would include a process of exploring the implications for senior leaders of sponsoring initiatives – what this would require of them – and reaching clear agreements ahead of time;

3. And because we are human and the leaders we serve are human I would want to see us make the mother of all our investments in learning how to hold what I call “real conversations”. This would require an examination of the beliefs that underpin our chosen approach to communication and a commitment to replace a unilateral (“domination”) approach with an approach which is rooted in acceptance and aspires to mutual learning. This third suggestion is my favourite of all and a big topic in its own right. If you want to learn more, look out for my next posting on the HRUK blog.

I wonder, what favourite changes would you propose for 2011 in the way we do HR?

Breathing out before I breathe in

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Monday evening, 3rd January 2011.  Today is a Bank Holiday in the United Kingdom since New Year’s Day fell on a Saturday.  As I write the bulk of the UK’s working population is preparing for the year’s first day back at work.

I have been preparing, too.  I have a session with a coaching client on the afternoon of my first day back which includes looking at feedback from her colleagues and I have taken time to review the feedback.  I have also been clearing out some of the e-mails which have landed during the holiday.

My preparations have been gentle and slow as I just about make it into first gear.  I am slowly recovering from a cold which I put down to my outbound flight to Copenhagen on Boxing Day (all those shared germs).  Even as I write I also recognise that I was susceptible at this time – the germs came and I said “yes, please come in”, as if my body knew to invite me to rest for a few days and to let everything wait.

As I have done many times before I think of the vocal coach I worked with, alongside my colleagues in the London Symphony Chorus.  Although I struggle to remember her name right now I do remember a key learning I took from our work together and whose application goes way beyond the art and craft of singing:  sometimes you have to breathe out before you breathe in.

Starting the year as you mean to go on

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Have you ever noticed that most people’s new year’s resolutions are about what they plan to do?  (And let’s not get too picky about the fact that many of us then – somehow – fail to go on to do those things).  This year, I invite you to start the year by reflecting on the how of your life: who or how are you going to be?

The poem below, written by Dawna Markova following her father’s death and from which she takes the title of her book says something of her intentions in the how department:

I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit.

Dawna Markova

Also, by Henry David Thoreau, this quote, in which I love the idea of sucking the marrow from the bones of life:

I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately, to suck the marrow from the bones of life; to put to rout all that was not life, and not to come to the end of life, and discover that I had not lived.
 
Happy new year!

Looking forward to the year ahead

Coaching

Honouring the tradition, at the end of the year, to look back on the year just gone and to look forward to the year ahead, I offered questions on Wednesday to help you reflect on the year just passing. In this blog posting, I offer questions for you to enrich your thinking as you look forward to the year ahead.

I invite you to make time and space to look forward to 2011. This is an opportunity to notice what is beckoning you in the year ahead: both to create the year of your choosing and to be conscious of the year that is choosing you. This is an opportunity to connect with and celebrate your needs, and to imagine the ways in which you can meet your needs in 2011, including your need to make a positive difference in the world. This an opportunity to build on the year you had in 2010 in order to create a year in 2011 which speaks to who you are and to the power and potential you have. For some, it may be time to let go of old ideas to create a new life or a new – more authentic – you. I invite you to put aside doing in order to be present and curious, a time to invite new wisdom and insights.

As you reflect on the questions below – or choose other questions that beckon to you at this time – allow yourself to be guided by your own inner wisdom and spirit, noticing the pictures you see, the words and phrases offered by your unconscious mind and the sensations you feel as you reflect.

  • As you look forward to the year ahead, what stands out? What feelings come up for you as you survey the year?
  • As you try on the year just coming, what is your experience of the year? Are you looking forward to ease or struggle? Are you looking forward to progress and success?  Or to failure, inhibition and “stuckness”? How is for you to look forward to the year in this way?
  • Who are you becoming as you move towards 2011 and who do you yearn to become? How would you like to connect with, nurture and express your true, authentic self in the year ahead? How do you want to communicate with and relate to others in 2011?
  • What needs do you have that you would like to meet in 2011? What are the met needs that already enrich your life? What needs would you like to meet more fully in 2011 and how? What attention would you like to give to your needs in 2011?
  • What are the riches of the year just passing that you would like to take forward into the year to come? What successes have you had that you can build on? What new learning and insight are you bringing to the year ahead? How can you use these experiences to enrich your life in 2011? What further support do you need?
  • And as you imagine the year to come, what will it mean to you to experience the year as you imagine it in advance? How will it meet your needs? How will it support you in contributing to the needs of others?

And as you reflect on these questions what other questions are coming up for you? What else do you need to step powerfully into 2011?

At the end of the year

Coaching

It is a tradition, at the end of the year, to look back on the year just gone and to look forward to the year ahead. For some, the famous “New Year’s Resolutions” are flights of fancy, quickly forgotten because they were never the object of our full commitment in the first place. For others, taking time to look back and then to look forward holds a sacred place in our lives. For any readers who would like to observe this ritual and to maximise its contribution to their lives, this blog posting offers questions for you to reflect on as you look back on the year now passing.

I invite you to make time and space to reflect on 2010. This is an opportunity to celebrate and mourn: to celebrate the people, experiences, learning and achievements that have met your needs and enriched your life; to mourn those times when your needs have not been met as a result of your own actions, the actions of others and events beyond your control. This is a time to notice what you want to take with you and what you want to leave behind. This is a time to put aside doing in order to be present and curious, a time to invite new wisdom and insights.

As you reflect on the questions below – or choose other questions that beckon to you at this time – allow yourself to be guided by your own inner wisdom and spirit, noticing the pictures you see, the words and phrases offered by your unconscious mind and the sensations you feel as you reflect.

  • As you look back at the year just passing, what stands out? What feelings come up for you as you survey the year?
  • What has been your experience of the year? Has life been easy or a struggle? Have you experienced progress and success?  Or failure, inhibition and “stuckness”? How has it been for you to experience the year in this way?
  • Who have you been this year? Have you been authentic and true – with yourself, with others? Have you been divided within yourself? Or even hiding behind some constructed mask?
  • How has your experience of yourself affected your communication and relationships with others? When have you been conscious of your needs and the needs of others? When have you been unconscious – lost in the doing, for example? How has it been for you to live your life this way?
  • When have your needs been met and how? How has it been for you to have your needs met in these ways? When have your needs been unmet? How have you experienced your unmet needs?
  • What are the riches of this year that you would like to take forward into the year to come? What experiences do you want to celebrate? What new learning and insights have enriched your life?
  • What is it time to let go of and leave behind so that your forward path can be more rich and fulfilling? Who do you need to forgive, for example? What beliefs have had their day? What actions do you need to take to complete this process of letting go?

And as you reflect on these questions, what other questions are coming up for you? What else is needed so that you can honour the year just passing and clear the way to move on?

Sending you greetings at Christmas

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Dear Reader

Christmas is approaching rapidly with its combination of the religious and the pagan, the historical and the mythical, the festive and the down-right practical (oh, those preparations!). We celebrate the birth of the Christ-child along with the abundance of our winter stores. In Father Christmas we celebrate both the historical figure of Saint Nicholas and the myth that Santa Claus spends the night before Christmas visiting gifts upon all the children of the world. And in the Christmas narrative we celebrate the birth of a child whose story has also assumed the quality of myth.

With Christmas comes the end of one year and the beginning of another. This is a time to look back on the year just gone and to look forward to the year that lies ahead. In case you would like help in shaping your reflections and your plans for the future, look out for the questions I shall be publishing this week on my blog.

In my own life and work I look back on the intention I set at the beginning of 2011 to bring my communication and marketing into the twenty-first century. I celebrate the progress I have made to this end. This has included beginning to shape and practice an approach to asking for referrals which enriches everyone involved. It has included getting clear about what differentiates my approach to coaching from that of my peers. It has included taking my first baby steps towards “shouting it from the rooftops” – most recently, updating my profile on LinkedIn to highlight my key areas of interest.

I also look forward to the steps that have yet to be taken. These include moving my regular newsletter to a platform which can support a growing number of readers. They include updating my website to showcase a business which is radically different from the one I first envisaged when I set up Learning for Life (Consulting) in 2002. They include introducing a growing range of products and services to meet the needs of my core clients.

Most of all, though, in this present moment, I am taking a moment to experience the gratitude for the many contributions I have received this year and which support me in doing work I love. I cannot possibly do justice here to the breadth and depth of this support – perhaps it’s enough, for now, to express my gratitude for the opportunity to work as a coach to leaders, unleashing innate leadership potential through powerful, compassionate and authentic relationships.

So, in signing off, I send you every good wish for joy at Christmas and many blessings in the New Year.

Dorothy

PS If you’re feeling sad about the commercialism of Christmas, take a look at the way these singers took the spirit of Christmas with them to their local shopping Centre.  Just follow this link.

Coaching: opening up new perspectives

Clients and testimonials, , ,

Sometimes, the fact that we are doing our job well and enjoying it can blind us to the potential we have for a role which takes us (to borrow from Gay Hendricks in his book The Big Leap) beyond our “zone of excellence” to explore our “zone of genius”. This is what I sensed in Graham Parris when we began our work together in coaching partnership.

To find ourselves in our zone of excellence and with more to give does not always mean that we need to jump ship in search of something new. Rather, it often implies checking in, taking stock, beginning the process of tuning in to our intuitive voice – what some call our inner wisdom and guidance. Often, the job we already have takes on new meaning and significance when we can see it in the context of the larger picture of our lives.

I was thrilled to meet Graham at a time when there was scope for him to look at this bigger picture and to support him in taking a step back from his immediate concerns and to begin to ask: what do I really want from my career going forward? This is what Graham said about our work together:

When I started working with Dorothy I didn’t expect to be changing jobs immediately. Even so, Dorothy challenged me to look at what I really wanted in my life and career so that when I then needed to look for a new job I had already started to develop a different perspective on what I wanted and I had begun to imagine what it might feel and look like when I’d got there.

Coaching has been the most personal developmental opportunity I’ve ever had – intensely personal. For me, it’s been an opportunity to find and try out new approaches to things I’ve done all my life and an opportunity to identify and address areas where I’m holding myself back. So coaching has been timely for me with the biggest outcome being that I’ve given myself permission to think about things differently if I want to.

As my coach Dorothy supported me in working from the assumption that I have the answers within me and that has worked well for me. She set the scene well at the beginning of our work together and she challenged me in ways which have left me more empowered. As well as paying attention to the coaching process – showing up on time, helping me to set goals, checking in with me etc. – she brought immense coaching skills. I also enjoyed the way she wrote blog postings as a way of offering more content when it was helpful.

Graham Parris
White Consultants (WCL)

Unleashing innate leadership potential through powerful, compassionate and authentic relationships

Coaching, Developing as a leader, , ,

As Christmas approaches, I am looking forward to taking a break.  My conversations with clients about diaries have almost gone past the stage in which the question “shall we meet before or after Christmas?” is asked.

There are many things I shall look back on in 2010 – and many things I am looking forward to in 2011.  This includes looking back on the work I have done this year to clarify my offering to clients.  My aim has been to make it increasingly easy for those people and organisations to find me to whom I am best suited to contribute.

Most recently I have been preparing an update of my profile on LinkedIn.  This is what I have included – so far:

Dorothy Nesbit

Leadership Coach, unleashing innate leadership potential through powerful, compassionate and authentic relationships.

Summary

Are you a successful senior leader who’s striving to fulfil your potential? Do you want dramatically to increase your contribution to your organisation?

It’s lonely at the top. Everyone looks to you for the answers and your actions are under scrutiny from every direction. At times, wracked with self doubt, you are your own worst critic. Wearing the “mask” of leadership, trying to keep up with your own view of what it takes to be a great leader – it’s hard work and exhausting.

A passionate leadership coach, I love to team up with talented and successful executives to liberate their innate potential and achieve more with less effort. My clients build powerful and authentic relationships with themselves and with others as a springboard for increasing their contribution to their organisation.

If you recognise the need to adjust your approach and you need help with the “how”, I’m your coach.

My signature coaching approach will leave you:

• With clarity and confidence about the role you want to play;
• Equipped to play your role with growing ease, authenticity and self-mastery;
• Inspired and motivated to deliver improved business outcomes.

My approach is uniquely effective because I grow and develop powerful, compassionate and authentic relationships, unleashing and cultivating innate leadership potential.

I wonder, as you read this description, what do you learn about the people with whom I most enjoy working in coaching partnership?





The dance of intimacy

Emotional Intelligence
…separateness does not mean emotional distance, which is simply one way of managing anxiety or emotional intensity.  Rather, separateness refers to the preservation of the “I” within the “we” – the ability to acknowledge and respect differences and to achieve authenticity within the context of connectedness.
Harriet Goldhor Lerner, PhD
The challenge of relationship is one that affects men and woman at work and in the home.  And as Christmas approaches (yes, less than a month now until Christmas) the tensions that already exist amongst family members begin to come more sharply into view.  It’s one thing to weather the low-level unease between you and your partner when you are both out to work five days a week and another thing altogether to spend a fortnight together at Christmas.  And that’s before mentioning parents, siblings, in-laws…
Relationship is the ultimate challenge to our authenticity for the reason Lerner highlights in this quote.  It is so easy to maintain an uneasy rapport in intimate relationships by sacrificing a measure of authenticity.  As a temporary strategy you might say it works.  Over time, it can lead us to have relationships with our supposedly nearest and dearest which are like fossils – a brittle and unchanging representation of something that was and now is no longer.  Unlike true fossils, the needs that are not met in such relationships are always hovering beneath the surface and waiting for a moment to express themselves.
The strain of such relationships extends beyond the relationships themselves.  Many people embrace the idea that the unresolved emotional issues in our lives are embodied over time in our general health and well-being and may ultimately lead to a variety of physical illnesses.  It can seem that we are left with a poor handful of alternatives if we are to maintain our good mental, emotional, physical and even spiritual health whilst also maintaining our relationships.  Staying in rapport with ourselves whilst also staying in rapport with others is a challenging business.
In her book, Lerner offers clarity and simplicity whilst maintaining depth.  She identifies the central role that anxiety plays in relationships and some of the common strategies people use to respond to anxiety – strategies which do not work.  She also offers a small number of core aspects of relationships to which we need to respond, including what she calls “triangles” (the way we engage with third parties as an outlet to issues we won’t face in a relationship) and the issue of polarity, especially in the extent to which we function in a relationship, becoming the capable or incapable member of a relationship between opposites.
Lerner also offers some clear messages for those of us who want to make changes in our relationships.  She highlights self-focus as the foundation stone of intimacy.  By this, she does not mean a blind and selfish urge to meet our own needs no matter what.  Rather, she refers to the courageous acts of owning our own needs and naming them in a relationship rather than seeing the other person in the relationship as the source of all problems.  And she offers both practical steps and many case studies to illustrate the points she makes.
If there’s one sadness I have about this book it is that it’s directed at women. It deserves to be read by men and women alike – perhaps in time for Christmas.
PS  Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.