All posts by Dorothy Nesbit

What’s your Monday morning story?

February 21, 2011Emotional Intelligenceemotional intelligence, personal reflectionsDorothy Nesbit

Monday morning. The alarm goes off to signal the beginning of the working week. As a lover of sleep my first alarm goes off ten minutes before I intend to get up and in this time I take time to come round and to ponder the week ahead. Almost without exception, I work from home on Mondays, and enjoy my full schedule of coaching by telephone. So, as much as I love my sleep, I come round to the prospect of a day I am confident I will enjoy.

Over the years, my Monday morning story has been a gauge of the good – or otherwise – health of my working life. Sometimes, the sinking of my heart as I wake signals a week to which I do not look forward. Too many Mondays like this and I know it’s time to take stock and ask: what needs to change? Sometimes, it has been my understanding that the time has come to change jobs. Sometimes, I have seen the need for me to change in order that I might open my heart and mind to a greater measure of fulfilment in my work.

The moment of waking on a Monday morning is also a good time to catch my hidden and limiting beliefs. Do I believe I am deserving of a job I love or do I see it as the fate of man (or of this woman) to experience work as toil, a means to an end? Do I see myself as the victim or the creator of my working life? Do I believe I can take action towards my dreams or do I believe they will always be just out of reach and beyond arms’ length? Do I believe I have what it takes to succeed or do I believe that I shall be forever wanting? Do I see work as struggle or do I enjoy work as a sense of flow, of synchronicity, an unfolding adventure?

Whatever my early Monday morning thoughts, they are a powerful indicator of the experience that lies ahead, since – unless I catch them with my awareness and make changes to them immediately, or over time – they dictate the nature of my experience during the week ahead. More than that, they send signals to others who, in turn, are influenced by my thoughts.

I wonder, at this stage in your life, what is your Monday morning story?

Creating the climate for success

February 18, 2011Clients and testimonials, Developing as a leadercoaching, developing leadership intelligence, leadership, testimonials, what clients sayDorothy Nesbit

Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis and Annie McKee, in their book The New Leaders, identify the range of leadership styles that leaders draw on and highlight those styles that create a climate for success. This is what they call “resonant leadership” and they contrast this with the use of styles which, if overused, create “dissonant leadership”. The key here is “if overused” – all the styles identified in the research have a role to play when used effectively.

Developing a repertoire of leadership styles and the capability to use them effectively is not easy. Many of us lack strong role models to emulate so that we just don’t know what “highly effective” looks like when it comes to leadership. Perhaps we will copy leaders (from our parents, teachers and other childhood figures to our managers at work) without even recognising the implications of their chosen approach. By copying poor role-models in this way we repeat the behaviours that were not effective first time round. Perhaps we will try hard to do anything but what they did. This carries a particular challenge: whilst we may know what we don’t want to do, how do we know what to do instead?

At the same time, making effective adjustments to our approach can yield benefits all round, as the testimonial below highlights. I’m grateful to Fabienne Luisetti, with whom I worked in coaching partnership during 2010, for sharing her experiences. If you’d like to know more about how I work with clients please follow this link for details of how to contact me to arrange a complimentary consultation.

Meantime, this is what Fabienne had to say about her experience of working with a coach:

There came a point where my reputation of being a fair but tough leader became an obstacle to both my career and my well-being. Whilst projects were completed and goals achieved, people were bruised along the way and, at times, I would be living with negative feelings in the evening from my interactions with others during the day. Having gone through all the leadership programmes available in our company, I decided I needed a more focused one-to-one coaching programme and this is when I started working with Dorothy.

Right from the start Dorothy was very professional in her approach and created the right environment of trust for me to express my feelings, thoughts and reactions. She challenged a few pain points and also helped me to distil feedback from others and my own work into key areas to focus on. Her willingness to share theory and to describe others’ experiences helped me to place my situation in perspective. I am delighted to provide this testimonial.

How has coaching worked for me? A 1:1 coaching program with set milestones was particularly motivational. At every meeting, I wanted to show progress. Therefore, in between two coaching sessions, I tried a few new strategies to be able to report upon. When I realised they were working well for me and the people around me, I was motivated to try further. This is the way I achieved my three personal coaching objectives; I am now engaging people and teams in a more collaborative manner; I can feel people contribute to my projects in a more spontaneous way not because they have to but because they want to. And I feel good about progressing projects, keeping within deadlines in a much softer way.

Fabienne Luisetti

For the total twitters amongst you

February 16, 2011Coachingcreating an online presenceDorothy Nesbit

I confess, I’m really not au fait with twitter. You may be reading this posting because you’ve signed up to me on twitter. (Thinks: should I include my twitter name. Decides, no). I know I’m not alone.

Still, every now and again I see a resource and want – at the very least – to bookmark it or file it here on my blog. Mark Shaw’s Twenty Minute Twitter Workout is one such resource.

Useful to you?

A reminder for you on your worst of bad days

February 14, 2011Alternative approaches, Emotional IntelligenceBooks, emotional intelligence, Gestalt, transactional analysisDorothy Nesbit

Few people are one hundred percent winners or one hundred percent losers.

It’s a matter of degree. However, once a person is on the road to becoming a winner,

his or her chances are even greater for becoming more so.

Born to Win

Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward

There are days when everyone else seems to have it sussed. Other people have got there, so why haven’t I? If you add timescales (“other people have got there before me”) you have the killer equation for feeling really bad about yourself.

“There” might be a state of mind (“other people are more calm, relaxed, joyful”). “There” might be some kind of skill, aptitude or personal quality (“other people are more emotionally intelligent, diligent, organised”) or even the sum of all the skills, aptitudes and qualities to which one aspires (“other people are so much more capable than I am”). “There” might be some position – personal or professional – to which one aspires (“other people find partners and settle down”; “other people get to be Director by my age” etc.).

This is the language of “winners” and “losers”. Psychology – and especially the branch of psychology called Transactional Analysis – has long since identified this kind of thinking with all its permutations. We might think “I’m OK, you’re not OK” and act from this position. We might think “you’re OK, I’m not OK” and act from this position. We might make the ultimate generalisation (“everyone’s OK, except me”) to make it especially tough to get out of bed in the morning. It’s not that we live the whole of our lives from one place – though we may do. Rather, at a particular point in time, we may unconsciously choose a position.

As a coach, I work with people who are choosing to become winners, even if they were not winners before. Even so – perhaps especially so – the person who is dedicated to his or her learning may have days when all the learning he or she has done seems to amount to nothing. How come, with all this learning, I am still struggling with the same old things? I was reminded of this recently as I held a space for a client on just one such day.

There is of course, an assumption that lurks beneath such thinking. It is the assumption we brought to our journey of learning – that once we had done our learning, everything would be OK. We did not anticipate that part of our learning would be to discover that we continue to have good days and bad days, we continue to have areas which sit outside our comfort zone, we continue to have experiences which stimulated grief in us, or sadness, or anger, as well as those which stimulate joy, gratitude, delight.

In my own journey, I have been especially grateful for Muriel James’ and Dorothy Jongeward’s wonderful book Born to Win. They begin their book, which draws both on Transactional Analysis and Gestalt, by providing a vivid and compelling description of what it means to be a winner and what it means to be a loser. Winners are those who successfully make the transition to become independent and then interdependent adults, choosing authenticity over putting on a performance, maintaining pretence or manipulating others.

Perhaps the most essential point in their description is this: being a winner is not a “once and for all” thing, but an ongoing journey. As much as we may have our bad days, winners are able to be present to their emotions, to welcome them even, and still to recognise them is what is, in this moment. Winners get to choose how they respond to their emotions and winners choose responses that reinforce their overarching choice to choose to win.

I could say so much more and still, I choose to leave you with this simple question: what choices are you making on your worst of bad days?

PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Talking about coaching for International Coaching Week

February 11, 2011CoachingAbout CoachingDorothy Nesbit

I promised to make some offers this week for International Coaching Week and this is my third of three.

I am offering to give a complimentary talk about the business benefits of coaching for senior leaders to the first organisation that contacts me, quoting “International Coaching Week: please come and give a talk about coaching”. You can contact me by following the view my complete profile link here on my blog to find my e-mail address.

My talk, which can be tailored to meet your needs, will explore:

How effective leadership correlates with business performance;
How emotional intelligence is central to leadership success;
Leadership coaching (and other alternatives) as a powerful way to accelerate the development of leaders in your organisation.

I will ask you to pay travel and accommodation expenses as needed if the talk takes place outside the M25. And if you, too, would like to “pay it forward”, I invite you to make a donation to the Disasters and Emergencies Committee (DEC) for their work in Haiti via this link or to make some other gesture that is meaningful to you.

Offering a complimentary coaching consultation to you for International Coaching Week

February 10, 2011CoachingAbout CoachingDorothy Nesbit

Like many of my colleagues, I want to spend my time where it makes a real difference and International Coaching Week is no exception. So, today I am reaching out to the senior leaders in organisations with whom I mainly work to offer a complimentary coaching consultation in celebration of International Coaching Week.

I have reserved a one-hour telephone coaching consultation in March and April for the first five people who send me a message with the heading “International Coaching Week: please reserve a one-hour coaching consultation for me”. My invitation to you is to bring the issue which, if you were to identify a way forward, would give you the greatest sense of progress. I will help you to:

Get to the nub of the issue;
Clarify what outcomes you are seeking;
Understand the scale and scope of the issue; and
Identify a way forward.

In the spirit of International Coaching Week, these coaching consultations are open to anyone who comes forward and are available at no charge whatsoever. You can contact me by following the view my complete profile link here on my blog and sending an e-mail.

If you decide that you, too, want to “pay it forward”, I invite you to make a donation to the Disasters and Emergencies Committee (DEC) for their work in Haiti via this link or to make some other gesture that is meaningful to you.

International Coaching Week: what is coaching, anyway?

February 8, 2011CoachingAbout CoachingDorothy Nesbit

This week is International Coaching Week (ICW), sponsored by the International Coach Federation (ICF) to educate the public about coaching whilst allowing coaches to give something back. It seems to me that the most fundamental question coaches need to answer this week is this: what is coaching, anyway? And how does it benefit clients?

Let’s get clear about this. Most of us don’t go to the doctor’s because we want medicine or an operation. We go because we want to get better. The consultation, the medicine and the operation are not the aim of our visit but the means by which we seek to reach our aim. In the same way, we don’t commission a builder to build an extension because we want more bricks and electricity. Rather, we have some dream of what our home might become and of what it will do for us as a result of having an extension in place. In the same way, coaching is a means to an end, rather than the end itself.

So, what sorts of aims do clients bring to coaching? In truth, these vary enormously, though there are some underlying themes, the first of which is to improve performance. An athlete might work with a coach to improve his or her performance, for example, and yes, so might a senior leader in the workplace or a mum at home. For the athlete, performance might equate to gold medals or record-breaking achievements. For the senior leader, performance might equate to additional income on the bottom line or to something more personal, like the ability to do a cracking job within just forty hours a week. For the mum at home, performance might equate to managing the tasks associated with raising children and running a home in ways which afford every member of the family a sense of security, comfort, peace and fun.

Often, the aims clients bring to coaching reflect some kind of discomfort to which they want to give attention. So a second theme in what clients want from coaching is greater ease. The athlete may well be achieving fabulous results, for example, but wants to overcome the inner nerves that both detract from the joy of the sport and hamper the achievement of true world-class outcomes. The senior leader may well want to improve results at work but also wants to feel less stress and enjoy a happier life at home as a result of achieving better business results in less time. The mum at home may be yearning for greater ease and balance.

These and other outcomes come from making simple adjustments that make a disproportionate and positive difference to the person seeking coaching. The athlete may change his or her inner talk in ways which replace nerves with focus, excitement and motivation. The senior leader may adjust his or her attention in ways which lead to more effective decision-making and in turn to improved outcomes from less work – and a sense of inner peace. The mum at home may adjust her standards from “super perfect” to “good enough” in areas where good enough really is – well, good enough! In this way, she may feel less stress, self criticism or resentment and enjoy more ease and fun. Perhaps the most exciting thing for clients of coaching – and for their coaches – is that coaching produces both immediate results and, by facilitating clients’ learning, lays the foundations for ongoing changes and improvements. Few clients of coaching come looking for learning though many take learning from coaching that produces dramatic improvements to their performance and to their quality of living.

So what is coaching and how does it work? Coaching is essentially a partnership between coach and client which supports the client of coaching in finding new ways forward. You can read some of the comments my own clients have made about coaching by following this link or you might like to look out for tomorrow’s special offer in order to have a direct experience of coaching. In short, and as a reminder, coaching is a means to an end – and a means to reach ends you barely dreamed of reaching on your own.

Introducing International Coaching week, 2011

February 7, 2011CoachingAbout CoachingDorothy Nesbit

The International Coaching Federation (ICF) sponsors International Coaching Week (ICW) every year as a way of educating the public about coaching whilst allowing coaches to give something back. I’ll be responding to International Coaching Week in a variety of ways this week – including writing about it here on my blog.

The best initiatives for International Coaching Week create winners all round. In the run-up to this week, coaches around the globe have been thinking about what they can do that supports International Coaching Week without distracting them from key priorities. The key to the success of International Coaching Week really does lie in creating “win, win” opportunities. And because coaches are typically generous in their support of others, discussion fora have been alive with the exchange of ideas.

I started preparing months ago for International Coaching Week by writing an article for the UK’s premier coaching magazine, Coaching at Work. This article focusses on the benefits to coaches of undertaking a voluntary project, providing coaching to members of the senior leadership team of a school in West London. I was able to write this article because I led the project, between 2004 and 2006. Its duration and the fact that time has passed since the end of the project meant that I was able to draw on the experience of team members both during and since the project. If you are a subscriber to Coaching at Work, you can read a short on-line version of this article by following this link or you can look out for it in the March edition of Coaching at Work.

I’ll be making some offers of my own as the week progresses. I particularly want to contribute some donations for the work which was begun in Haiti just over a year ago. (And if you feel moved to make a small donation please follow this link). First though, tomorrow I will be attempting to answer the question “what is coaching?”

A tragic expression of an unmet need

February 3, 2011Emotional IntelligenceBooks, emotional intelligence, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, nonviolent communicationDorothy Nesbit

We’ve all met them. The person whose behaviour in our monthly business update meeting is so bizarre that all the post-meeting talk is about them (“what was THAT about?”) rather than about the business. The person everybody has labelled as “difficult” and whose office nobody visits – unless they HAVE to. The person who seems so calm and on top of things one minute so that we are surprised when, suddenly, they respond to something we say in an entirely different tone.

Daniel Goleman, in his book Working With Emotional Intelligence, draws on the field of neuroscience to identify the “amygdala hijack”, the moment when something in our external environment stimulates emotion in us which is disproportionate to the event itself. Sometimes we observe it in someone we know and are taken by surprise. Sometimes it is the regularity with which we observe it in someone that prompts us to call them “difficult”.

What can be more challenging is to own that we, too, are stimulated in this way. It is challenging because, as an observer of others, it is so clear that their response in a given moment is not rational – so clear that we judge. And when we, too, fall prey to this ancient cocktail of stimulus and response, what then? Are we to judge ourselves as harshly as we judge others? No wonder we prefer to look away as if we are not witness, too, to our own behaviour.

I am reminded of this today when my work with a coaching client prompts me to offer an alternative perspective. Marshall Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life, describes such moments (and more besides) as “a tragic expression of an unmet need”. Rosenberg’s phrase captures with compassion an assumption which is also at the core of neuro-linguistic programming (or NLP), the assumption that every behaviour has a positive intention.

At times, our attempts to meet our needs are highly ineffective. This may be because we are overtaken by an amygdala hijack. It may be because we lack the skills to take effective steps towards our desired outcomes. It may be because we are so fearful of the feedback that is coming our way that we refuse it, so that we miss a valuable opportunity to adjust our course.

When we respond to ourselves and others with judgement, when we see such actions as irrational and inept, we are liable to tell ourselves that somehow something is wrong with the person, as if we are our behaviour. A equals B. Worse still, it is as if we are our behaviour at our moment of greatest ineptitude.

Rosenberg’s phrase and its first cousin assumption in NLP offer a more compassionate view. We were trying. We were trying to meet a need. We did not meet it well in that moment. Paradoxically, this more compassionate view does not excuse us so much as open up new possibilities. For, if I can recognise that I have a need which is not yet met, I can try new ways to meet it. And if I can see past the behaviours of others to embrace them as people who, like me, also have needs which they did not meet well in a given moment, I have an expanding range of possibilities in the way I respond so that both my needs and theirs might be met more fully.

Are you ready to let go of your judgements – of self, of others – to connect with the needs that lie beneath our most irrational and inept behaviours?