How much hard work do you put into maintaining a lie?
And if you’re telling yourself “this doesn’t apply to me”, hold on! Take a moment to notice the feelings this question evokes in you and to sit with them – is it irritation, outrage, impatience? If it is, there may be something for you to learn – if only you’re willing. Because if you’re honest with yourself and even if you think you always “tell it like it is”, you probably have a way to go when it comes to telling the truth.
I ask the question because telling one lie usually involves you in a number of additional lies, even in the most simple of cases. Your friend asks you to go out and you tell him you’re busy because you don’t want to take time to explain that you prefer to stay at home. In order to live with your lie you tell yourself that to tell him would be to hurt his feelings – something which you can only guess in advance. And when he asks you down the line how your other thing went you have quickly to extemporise a response. “Fine, thank you…” already you’ve told another lie.
The workplace is no different. Perhaps you are holding back from telling your boss you think his plan of action has some potentially disastrous consequences. Perhaps you have decided not to let your team know about forthcoming changes in the structure of your organisation. Perhaps you’re avoiding telling Jo that his work colleagues have been complaining about him behind his back. Whether in work or away, the likelihood is that your attempts to withhold some truth are aimed at saving you from some unwelcome consequence… from the wrath of your boss and from having your “cards marked”, from having to manage a team that’s unsettled and losing focus or from losing staff before you’re ready to let them go, from a response you cannot predict but know might be difficult from Jo…
You’re probably not thinking about the negative consequences of withholding honesty. You’re not thinking, for example, about how much it weighs on you – what hard work it is and the guilt you feel – to tell a lie. You’re not thinking about the erosion of trust that accompanies your dishonesty over time. You’re not thinking about how your current gain is your future loss as those around you uncover the truth and re-visit the way they view you.
You probably don’t know just what’s possible when you embrace and commit to honesty – to a step-by-step journey towards more honest relationships and communication. How would it be for you, for example, to discover that the response you have most feared from your boss or employing organisation just isn’t going to happen? Or to discover that it is and to be able to decide how best to respond? How would it be over time to build relationships in which you can be honest and be accepted at the same time? How would it be to put down the burden of maintaining some kind of lie – an image of yourself that matches your idea of what you should be as a leader, a parent, an employee, a spouse – and to feel the lightness that comes with being yourself?
I begin to wax lyrical. I wonder, what is your perception of the consequences of honesty… and deception?
I remember in a school assembly when I was a teenager being given the advice 'tell the truth – you will always remember it'.
There are so many instances where hiding something they won't like from someone seems like the easiest approach. But when they inevitably find out the consequences are far worse.
Interesting post, thank you.
I was in a shop the other day and realised that I was being under-charged. It was an interesting moment for me – deciding to highlight the error. I knew I wouldn't enjoy thinking of myself as the person who had had a "freeby" at the expense of one of my local shops.
I do, though, notice that shop assistants are usually taken by surprise when I do this.