Do you really want it to come to this?

I am back now from a wonderful time at Oxon Hoath in Kent.  My break was deeply restful though I have come back to a busy time, including coaching on Sunday in Harley Street.  It is early days for the Sunday Coaching Clinic and still, I notice how I have been scanning for patterns in what my clients are bringing to our sessions.  I have been wondering what clients will bring that is different from those clients whose coaching is funded by their employing organisations and there are indeed differences as well as similarities.  One theme has popped up which spans both our personal and professional lives – conflict.

Maybe you have some experience of conflict.  It could be the kind of nitty gritty conflict that is part of the day-to-day experience of living together.  (“When will you actually get round to doing the thing you promised to do – moving the lawn/clearing the garage/fixing the shelf etc.?”).  It can be the kind of interpersonal conflict that bedevils both our intimate and our professional relationships (“I wish you’d show some appreciation for the things I do for you!”).  For one client, recently, it was the kind of conflict that can arise at work when two people who both have a role in a project have different ideas about how it should be run (“I thought you had agreed to wait until our meeting so that we could make a decision together, but you’ve gone right ahead and I think what you’ve done is a big mistake!”).

Equally, you may also recognise the roller-coaster of emotions that can come when you are in conflict rather than collaboration.  Perhaps you feel anxious about the consequences of speaking up – worried about how you might be seen, about rocking an already unsteady boat, about fuelling the fire…  Perhaps you feel frustrated by the actions of your partner or colleague – you know you’re on a short fuse and your anger is easily triggered.  Perhaps you feel resentment when you think of the role this other person has played or of the actions you have taken that just aren’t being taken into account.  There’s a risk of conflict and an unproductive conflict at that.

Over the years, I have observed people who manage conflict well and notice how many of them head off conflict a long time in advance.  Today, I thought I’d share just some of the things I have seen them do, in case for you, too, they offer some graceful ways to ease your path:

• Focus on who wants what:  Some people talk of “needs” and others of “interests”.  This is about getting under the skin of strategies (the “how to” of getting things done) and understanding why a particular approach is important.  This is about empathy and applies as much to you as it does to the other person.  Why do you want to move faster or to slow down?  Why does your colleague want to invite views from John and Gerhardt when you would prefer to seek input from Chris and Faisal?  If you can understand your own needs and the needs of others, you can start to generate ways forward in which everyone’s needs will be met;
• Reach clear agreements about roles and who will do what:  Conflict can arise when roles or decision-making are unclear.  It can help to agree roles, how you will work together and who will do what.  This can be true in your personal relationships as much as it is at work.  If you’re unhappy that you’re always the person who handles the household bills, for example, then you need to say so – and to make a request of your partner or spouse that would meet your needs more fully.  If you don’t like it that your colleague keeps taking unilateral actions, then it can help to discuss what decisions need to be taken jointly so that you can both feel confident about the progress of a project or initiative;
• Explain your reasoning and test your assumptions:  It’s easy to assume that your own logic is an example of some universal truth and to assume others will naturally understand your thinking.  It’s also easy to interpret what others say based on your own way of thinking.  This is where misunderstandings occur.  Over the years, I’ve observed how explaining your reasoning and testing your understanding of others’ reasoning helps to head off misunderstandings before they’ve even happened and to smooth a path to a solution that works all round.  “Want to recruit more people like James?  I’m concerned that if we do that without any way of knowing who is bringing in most sales, we may recruit people who are not the most effective – that’s why I want to introduce more effective monitoring before using James (and others like him) as the basis for modelling the behaviours we want to recruit to”.  “When you say ‘stop badgering me’, I’m wondering if you want to know that I’m making a request rather than giving you an order.  Is that right?”
• Tailor your approach based on what you know of the other person:  I’ve seen people’s effectiveness in influencing others and heading off conflict improve dramatically when they start to speak the language of the person they’re talking to.  You may want to secure a quality of work that will meet the goals for your process improvement but if your boss wants speed, you need to talk the language of speed.  If your colleague wants value for money… you get the gist.  This is about framing a problem or issue in language you know the other person can actually hear;
• Influence indirectly:  If your conflict – or potential conflict – is with Graham, the answer may be to step back and look at the wider picture.  Who does Graham listen to and why?  These are people you need to get on board.  Which other stakeholders are important?  Talk to them all.  I have seen many skilful influencers go into meetings knowing precisely who thinks what and how likely it is that their proposal will be accepted.  This gives them the opportunity to shape their proposal and present it to gain maximum support.  At home, the same people think about what their spouse or partner really needs and how to engage others to support their partner in meeting their needs without placing themselves in the role of saviour;
• Take time over important issues – and know the limitations of what’s possible:  Sometimes, you need to know what’s possible now and what might be possible later.  That way you won’t try to force an issue ahead of others’ readiness to hear you.  Equally, for as long as someone is immoveable in adopting a particular position, trying to force them along another route may exacerbate conflict and increase stress.  In this latter case, your question may be “Given that X is true, what’s the right decision for me to take right now?”  X could be anything from a statement from your partner that she’s just not willing to move so that you can take on another new job to the recognition that your boss, because he isn’t yet up to speed with social media, is not going to fund a project to increase your company’s presence in places (Twitter etc.) where your core customer base hangs out.  In this case, recognising what is frees energy up and allows you to take informed decisions.

If you’re trying to navigate conflict right now, I invite you to reflect on these strategies and to try just one or two that might work for you in your current situation.