Tuesday evening. As I write my alarm is set for a 5am start tomorrow, when I’ll be packing my bags to go to Glasgow as a member of the London Symphony Chorus. We’ll be singing in our fourth out-of-town concert in just two weeks, performing our third work – James MacMillan’s St. John’s Passion. This is the opening concert of the new season for the BBC Scottish Symphony Orchestra and will be broadcast live on BBC Radio on the evening of Thursday 29th September 2011.
For a few weeks now I have been aware of how busy we’ve been as a choir and this feeling has been all the more intense in recent days as I struggle to find time for the most basic tasks and make jokes about the risk that I shall soon run out of clean underwear. Today though, I notice something else: how strong is my sense of identity as a singer right now.
Of course, we all have multiple identities, related to all sorts of activities and relationships in our lives. At home we may be parents, children, spouses. At work we may be professionals of some sort, as well as managers, leaders, team members. Our hobbies confer additional layers of identity. And then there is the sense of identity that comes with our gender, sexuality and much more besides.
Often, there is an interplay between our sense of our identity and additional layers of truth, so that it’s hard to say with confidence “Yes, this is who I am”. If we hold too tight to our sense of identity we miss the opportunity to learn and grow. Our identity as parent becomes stuck at a time when our children were still children, for example, and we miss out on the joys that can come when we allow our relationship to develop as we and our children develop. At the same time, our sense of identity supports us in the world, acting as a compass or guide.
As we move through our careers there will be times when our sense of identity is one or two steps behind the role we inhabit. A promotion often leaves us with a sense that, somehow, we don’t belong. My title is Director of X, Y, Z but who am I to be in this role? We find ourselves looking over our shoulders and wondering who will be first to notice the incongruity.
The sense of discord (no musical pun intended) is a healthy one because it invites us to explore who we really are. Is this the right role for me, and if it is, who am I becoming in this role? And if it’s not, who am I and what role might be right for the person that I am? At the same time, we may find that layers of identity that were laid down when we were very young – perhaps even laid down by our parents when they were very young and handed down to us – are still in the mix, long after they relate to any objective reality.
It’s time to explore who we have become and who we want to become. It’s also time to uncouple those things we confuse with who we really are, such as behaviours borne of habit, or the labels we place on ourselves (or others on us).