In recent days I have been writing about what Goleman labelled the “amygdala hijack” in his book Emotional Intelligence.  In this posting I want to offer some options for the person who wants to reduce the destructive power of the hijack in their lives and perhaps even to transform this energy into a power for good.  I don’t go into any option in depth (though that may come later).  Rather, I open up avenues for exploration – options to play with (and, as they say on all the reality TV shows nowadays, “in no particular order”):

• One option which dampens the fire of amygdala emotion is to develop the practice of inserting words and phrases by which we take ownership of our thoughts – such words and phrases as “I believe…” or “I have a voice within me that’s saying…”  There’s a world of difference, for example, between saying that “you are lazy and selfish and a waste of space” and saying “I believe you are lazy and selfish and a waste of space”.  Even if we insert this phrase into our thinking it shines a light on the self rather than the other and makes us more likely to remind ourselves of the role we are playing.  Quite simply, the emotional sting is not so sharp when we own our thoughts in this way;
• Another option is to remind yourself that you can’t change the others, you can only change yourself.  Like the option above this brings our attention back to where it belongs – to the self.  Why does it belong here?  Not least because this is where we have the power to make changes.  Perhaps it’s worth adding that Gandhi took this idea one step further with his oft repeated mantra to “be the change you want to be in the world”.  In other words, what is it you would like to see in the other person that you are not seeing?  And are you demonstrating the same qualities ourselves?  To explore this is to begin to set an example in the area that is so important to us;
• Another – and no less challenging – option (look out for a posting on this) is to let go of the idea that there is anything wrong.  The idea that someone should be another way is the fast-track route to the amygdala hijack.  If you start from the premise that the situation – or person or event – is what it is you can begin to focus your attention elsewhere.  (I mentioned Katie Byron in my first posting and you might like to explore her work in this area);
• Another option is to look behind your immediate emotions for the underlying emotions you feel and for the needs of yours that are not being met in a situation.  This opens up the possibility of sharing your needs and making a request of the other person.  As simple as this sounds in theory, this level of ownership of our feelings and needs takes practice in a culture in which many of us are alienated from our underlying feelings and needs.  Marshall Rosenberg has made it his mission to share this simple approach under the name of Nonviolent Communication;
• You might like to master the NLP “meta-mirror” or a similar approach as a way to transform highly charged emotion.  I wrote about this technique in my recent posting (Thinking of all the mirrors in my bedroom).  This is an approach designed to transform our perspective.  You can read about this, too, in my recent postings (As a meta of fact);
• Finally, I offer the ultimate test of all:  speak to the person or people involved and share what’s going on for you.  I offer this not because it is the most effective communication strategy.  Rather, I offer this because it is probably the ultimate test for you of where you’re at.  Initially, it’s quite possible that sharing yourself in this way may lead to good old-fashioned argument!  In this way, you’ll know your way of thinking is off the mark.  Over time, as you become more self aware, the thought of sharing what’s alive for you may prompt you to say “mmm… I have more work to do to transform my way of thinking before I share”.  Ultimately, there may be relationships in which you do want to share your thoughts and feelings and to ask for the other person’s understanding.

Finally, I reach out to you and invite your insights and experiences.  Which of these approaches have you tried and with what outcomes?  What other approaches have you tried that work for you?