Popular convention in the world of communication favours such questions as “how is your sister?” or, knowing that the person you are asking has been finding it difficult to communicate with another person in ways that work well for both parties, “how are things going with your sister?”  (You can substitute any number of alternatives for sister – brother, mother, mother-in-law, partner etc.).  This is the question my friend (let’s call her Fiona) asked me over supper the other day.

Quickly, I find I am not enjoying the conversation that follows, with so many questions coming my way about how I feel that we seem to be going round in circles with none of them hitting the mark.  In my head I am thinking judgemental thoughts about my friend which mask my true feelings of discomfort so that it’s only after she has gone home that I connect with my confusion:  what needs was she trying to meet by asking so many questions?  I just don’t know.

I muster my courage and share my confusion, writing in an e-mail:  I pondered our discussion about my sister… looking back I can see I was (am) totally unclear about the needs it was serving to have the conversation… I’ll do my best to remember to ask next time. Answering your questions was a way of trying to stay in rapport – and yet I was finding it hard to stay in the present moment. I also recognise that insofar as we were talking about it I had a need to be understood so that I kept trying to answer your questions. Still pondering – wanting to learn from it.  And later in our correspondence I realise (and share):   I do recognise that when I [responded to your questions without a clear understanding of your needs] I was using an old strategy of staying in rapport with you at the expense of my own needs.

We are two people who are seeking to practise living consciously.  I am grateful for Fiona’s willingness to talk about the way we are communicating and for her request to me to share with her what she can do and say differently that would contribute to me – would meet my needs.  Pondering her question I realise that for everything I can ask of her there is a request I can make of myself or of her so that I, too, can make a difference.  Here are some of the things that I identify and share with her:

• I’d love you to know what needs you are trying to meet when you ask me questions and to share them with me so that I can respond to your needs (and I recognise that I can also ask you what your needs are and share my confusion when I don’t understand them);
• I’d love you to ask me an open question about how things are for me – and to show me that you are listening to my answer (and I can ask you to show me that you’re listening by asking you to tell me what you hear.  In this way, I can also know if I am expressing myself clearly);
• I’d love you to take time to connect with me in the here and now, perhaps by asking how I feel about the thing we’re talking about (and I can tell you what I’m feeling in the here and now – and this includes sharing my discomfort and confusion when your questions leave me feeling less present rather than more present);
• I’d love you to share your own experience in our conversation – how you are feeling and what needs of yours are being met (or not) (and I can ask you questions so that I understand your feelings and needs in a given moment.  This might also support you in staying connected).

For me, this is about staying connected – with ourselves and with each other.  The more each one of us is connected with our true feelings and needs in any given moment, the more we are able to connect with each other.  I ponder the “how are things with your sister?” question again and notice:  sometimes, talking about what’s going on with another person (someone who is not taking part in the conversation) can divert our attention from what’s going on between us.  For me, living consciously includes noticing and addressing this “elephant in the room”.