Friday. I start the day with a “to do” list as long as my arm and a clear priority: I want to publish my regular newsletter by the end of the day – the end of the month. Before I start I take time to meditate in my garden. This is a new pleasure – the first time this year. Mr Fox has been visiting and I can smell his musky odour as I breathe deeply.

In my newsletter, I have identified reaching out for help as one of the traits or behaviours that build resilience:

When Carl married and became a father, he decided to find an alternative to his job in sales, even though he had been very successful. He wanted to spend time with his wife and children and he knew that to continue in his current sales role would make this hard to achieve. He decided he wanted to manage the sales function in his region and he set out to make this a possibility.

Like many people who thrive, Carl shows a willingness to reach out for help. Sometimes, he looks for resources to support him in his success, reading about leadership, for example, and looking on the internet for information. Sometimes he makes contact with people he thinks might be able to help him. He is constantly on the lookout for the resources he needs to make progress towards his goals.

Reaching out for help can include sharing our thoughts and emotions with others. Whilst hoarding our troubles can magnify them immensely, we need not be alone. Our capacity to confide when we are finding things tough can in itself increase our resilience in hard times.

What first steps can I suggest for the man or woman who is unpractised in reaching out for help? Here are a few ideas:

• I start with an exercise which scientist James Pennebaker used with workers from Texas Instruments who had recently been laid off. He divided the workers into three groups and invited one of these groups to take time, for five consecutive days, to write about their deepest thoughts and feelings about the loss of their job. After four months, Pennebaker found that 35% of this group had found jobs as compared to 5% of a control group. Eight months after the start of his experiment 53% of this group had found jobs as compared to 24% and 14% of workers assigned other activities. Even if you don’t want to share what’s going on for you, it seems that being present to your experiences – by writing about your thoughts and feelings – can build your resilience;
• Carl’s experiences (above) point to another way to reach out for help if for any reason you do not want to ask others for help directly. Carl avidly researches areas of interest, identifying resources on the internet or reading books which supply much needed information. It was in this way that he developed approaches to sales that have placed him in the top 10% of his company’s sales people. In what areas do you need help? What sources of information can you find to support you?
• Our capacity to reach out for help includes our ability to ask others to support us. It helps to get clear what we really want. What need are we seeking to meet by reaching out for help? And what can other people do to help us to meet that need? One colleague, at a time when he was beginning to realise how little he asked for help, practised making requests of total strangers – on the bus, tube or plane. He made a point of getting clear about what need he wanted to meet before formulating his request. He also made a point of noticing what words and phrases elicited a willing response from the people of whom he made requests;
• For some people who find it hard to reach out for help, the fear of “rejection” is what keeps them from asking. Amongst many ways of eliminating this fear one method intrigues me and I offer it here. This exercise is about making requests of people where you know the answer will be no, in order simply to hear others’ “no” and to know it in no way constitutes a personal rejection. One way to do this is to go into shops and to ask for something you know they don’t stock (for sellotape in a bakery, for example), or to request a service of an organisation you know they don’t provide (legal advice of your doctor, for example). This exercise has the merit of being something you can practise on total strangers;
• Professional support, such as coaching or therapy, can be invaluable to support you in expanding your capacity to reach out for help. Perhaps you recognise that you are would like to reach out for help and yet you fear reaching out for support in any area of your life. This may be an indication that some therapeutic support will be invaluable. Perhaps you have been reaching out for support from friends and family and are finding you need more than they can give. In this case, it may be coaching, therapy or some other source of support that will best meet your needs.

And just as a reminder, I offer coaching, working mainly with senior leaders in organisations. I’m always happy to talk to establish what support you need. you can reach me at dorothy@learningforlifeconsulting.co.uk.