Tag Archives: nonviolent communication

Creating the climate for success

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Amongst my e-mails today is one from Gina Lawrie and Bridget Belgrave. Gina and Bridget are amongst the foremost trainers in the UK in the field of nonviolent communication, an approach that is dear to my heart. As well as sharing their training programme (which you can find at http://www.NvcDanceFloors.com) they share a quote by Carl Rogers, from his book A Way of Being:

“My experience has shown that another paradigm is far more effective and constructive for the individual and for society. It is that, given a suitable psychological climate, humankind is trustworthy, creative, self-motivated, powerful, and constructive – capable of releasing undreamed-of potentialities.”

Carl Rogers has been a significant influence in 20th Century thinking and his work continues to guide professional coaches as well as his fellow therapists. Surely this is also the paradigm that Douglas McGregor outlines as “Theory Y” in his seminal book, The Human Side of Enterprise.

I take a moment to reflect on this quote and to celebrate my work as a coach, which is my way of supporting individual leaders in creating a psychological climate – for themselves as well as for those they lead – that supports the powerful, constructive and purposeful use of our abundant creativity. I feel so blessed in this work, in its contribution to those with whom I work, to the businesses they work in and to the wider world.

Congratulations, Mr President

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20th January, 2009. The day of the inauguration of Mr. Barack Hussein Obama as the first African American President of the United States of America. It is not by foresight that I have no appointments this afternoon and still, I seize the opportunity to watch the inauguration as it unfolds.

Obama’s election to the Presidency has been widely hailed as the fulfilment of Martin Luther King Jr’s dream and so it is. Luther King’s dream was both simple and audacious, a dream that America’s African Americans would be afforded the same opportunities as his white brothers, in line with America’s founding creed that “we hold these truths to be self evident that all men are created equal“. At the time he made this speech, in 1963, this level of equality was way outside the experience of many African Americans. It’s hard not to notice that, for many African and non-white Americans, this is still true today. Still, the election of Barack Hussein Obama today seems to be the embodiment both of America’s dream and of the dream of Martin Luther King – a symbol of hope.

If America’s African Americans are emotional today as they witness an event their grandparents could barely imagine, so am I, white British, citizen of a world in which we continue to view others – from our brothers and sisters to people of other nations and creeds – as our enemies. It seems to me that by electing Obama to the post of President of the United States of America the people of America – people of diverse ages and ethnicities – have finally been able to embrace each other fully and to ask, without prejudice, “who is the right man or woman for the job?” And this, in turn, gives me hope that, increasingly, America’s politicians might step out onto the world stage with the ability and the will to embrace their brothers and sisters around the world in a new way. Not as enemies, always as brothers and sisters, though sometimes as friends they haven’t made yet.

Listening to every part of the inaugural ceremony, there are signs of this intention. Amidst the many themes in Obama’s speech (which will no doubt be analysed and commented on around the world) I take comfort when I hear Obama say:

“We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus – and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.”

The idea that we might, around the world, come to see and respond to our common humanity is echoed in Elizabeth Alexander’s poem as she asks “What if the mightiest word is love?” More than anything, this is what I wanted to hear.

There is a moment as I watch and listen when I feel drawn to America and to contribute to the embodiment of this dream. I say this in all humility. For I count it as a great blessing to be a student of Marshall Rosenberg’s nonviolent communication and I live in the belief that, were we all students of this language, we would have the means to usher in this new era of peace. The campaign to gather ideas for change in America has already afforded me an opportunity to contribute, by voting for ideas rooted in nonviolent communication (see http://www.change.org/ideas/view/bridging_the_empathy_gap_-_yes_we_can).

And perhaps as I close, with so much to digest, there’s just one more thing – for the time being – for me to say. For as I think of Obama’s call to the citizens of America to take personal responsibility I want to recognise the huge contribution that we make when we choose a philosophy and an approach which is rooted in nonviolence. Perhaps, above all else, it is when enough people make this choice that America will indeed embody its creed that: “we hold these truths to be self evident that all men are created equal”.

We are all connected: but how?

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What a week! In Dubai I have been deepening my understanding of the relationships amongst senior leaders in my client organisation whilst also deepening my understanding of the wider context which is Dubai.

Throughout the week I have been amongst people of many nationalities. I listened to my Pakistani taxi driver tell me last Sunday how much he dislikes Indians. I received a hearty handshake and a warm welcome from my client company’s Sudanese driver on my return. I was astonished by the number of staff members of many nationalities whose faces beamed as they welcomed me back to my hotel and asked me how I’d been since my last visit. I said no to the drink that Peter, a fellow guest whom I met on my last visit, ordered for me – and to the invitations that went with it. This morning, at Dubai airport, I was struck by the graceful beauty of an African woman who, pulling her suitcase behind her, also carried her shopping, hands free, on her head.

Since my visit in October the beginnings of a ripple effect of the global economic situation have become waves. Property prices are dropping and mortgages are going up. There is talk of a shake-out in the banking sector. Construction projects are already being scaled back. Any idea that Dubai might be recession-proof has been shown – quickly – to be untrue. In case we needed a reminder, any idea that national boundaries keep us in any way separate are hard, in this economic climate, to maintain.

And then Mumbai. As if it isn’t enough that the men responsible for a rising death-toll in Mumbai have targeted British and American people, the news is slowly emerging that a number of the men involved in perpetrating the attacks are from Britain. As I left the plane at Heathrow on my return from Dubai, the invitation to anyone who had been in Mumbai at the time of the attacks to speak with police officers on leaving the plane was a reminder of just how small the world has truly become. It’s all so close to home.

We are all connected. But how? And how do we want to be connected in future? I think of the possibilities for a world in which we choose dialogue and understanding above violence and aggression – surely our history is teaching us how little violence brings! I think of the teachings of Mahatma Gandhi and of the work, more recently, of Marshall Rosenberg in the field of nonviolent communication.

And then I come home, knowing that I cannot change the others, I can only choose my own behaviour. The journey towards non-violence begins here, with me.

When a missing ‘t’ makes all the difference

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There was a time in my life when I became known as “Dorothy Nesbit-with-one-t”. For when the majority of people add a ‘t’ to your name that doesn’t belong, why would you not spare them from being corrected by providing guidance ahead of time?

Today, it is a missing ‘t’ that made the difference between meditation and mediation. Yes, meditation, mediation, meditation… it’s all in the ‘t’. For as I write, I am anticipating with a great sense of excitement taking part in a three-day training programme in transcendental meditation, beginning on Wednesday. This has been a long time coming – I booked it months ago. When I mentioned it today in an e-mail to a colleague, she asked me if I had any recommendations for training in mediation – that missing ‘t’! As it happens, I do have some thoughts from the sidelines.

Mediation has as its aim to resolve disputes between parties. Sometimes, this is a way of finding a way forward without going to court. Some people see mediation as a way to reach a compromise, with everything that this word implies: “if I give you x, will you give me y?” The result can be a pale shadow of the outcomes that either party yearned for, even whilst carrying the title “agreement”.

In my view, mediation at its best goes beyond surface demands to understand the deep needs each party brings. Perhaps the business partner who has asked for a 60% payback when his partner insists on selling the business is really wanting recognition for the contribution he has made. Or maybe he wants to express his hurt or anger that his partner has taken a unilateral decision to sell. Perhaps the mother who argues for full custody of her children after her husband has left her is anxious that her now ex-husband will fail to care appropriately for their children if he is granted joint custody. Or maybe she wants understanding for the pain she feels and for which she is holding her husband responsible. When we understand our own deep needs and those of the person with whom we are in dispute we are already nine 10ths of the way towards finding ways in which the needs of both parties can be amicably met.

So, whilst not being an expert in mediation, I offer as a starting point the reading of Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life. Understanding nonviolent communication or ‘NVC’ is, in my view, an essential foundation for effective mediation. The Center for Nonviolent Communication also offers training in mediation (see http://www.cnvc.org/ under Conflict Resolution).

Sex on the beach in Dubai – a potent cocktail of unanswered questions

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This week I have been in Dubai, flying out on Saturday and returning this morning. This was my second visit and I am beginning to recognise the physical challenges that are involved in taking a 12-hour journey and traversing time zones before joining clients to work in coaching partnership.

My energies have (mainly) been with my clients, getting what rest I need in order to give them the best of my (slightly jet-lagged) attention. I return tired and satisfied, present both to the challenges that coaching can bring and to the great sense of privilege that comes from supporting individual leaders and the organisations they lead in this way.

Returning home, Dubai is in the news as the trial of the infamous “sex on the beach in Dubai” pair, Britons Vince Acors and Michelle Palmer, reached its conclusion. The Los Angeles Times was quick to record the sentence on its blog, reporting that Acors and Palmer were sentenced to three months in prison, fined $272 for drinking alcohol and ordered to be deported immediately upon leaving prison.

As I reflect on the reportage of this case over the weeks since it first broke as news, I recall a great deal of commentary on the clash of values which is embodied in the lives of Western expatriates living and working in Dubai. It’s not just that Acors and Palmer were alleged to have had sex on the beach, something that would surely be as unwelcome in the UK as it was in Dubai. It’s also that they were drunk at the time of the incident and unmarried. Indeed, whilst they have been termed “partners” and a “couple” in headlines around the world, as best I understand it they first met on the day of the incident.

This raises many questions for me, amongst them, what needs were they seeking to meet on that day? And how well did they meet them? Marshall Rosenberg lists “sexual expression” as a fundamental need for physical nurturance in his book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. Perhaps it was enough for Acors and Palmer to fulfil their sexual needs in this way. Perhaps.

And still I wonder. I recall that in 2007, as part of my International Intensive Training in nonviolent communication, I participated in a discussion about sex with a diverse group of men and women. Sharing our thoughts and feelings about this area of our lives it became clear just how many needs – for connection, for intimacy, for fun and play, for love, for self-worth, and many more – we bring to our close relationships, including our sexual encounters. Even putting aside the unintended consequences of their actions, I wonder what needs (if any) Acors and Palmer did not honour, let alone meet on that day in July on a beach in Dubai.

This causes me to reflect on an aspect of our own culture which may have played a part. As much as we describe ourselves as “permissive” in the West, I am not sure we permit ourselves the full truth: that we have needs and that it’s OK to honour them and to meet them when we can. Without this recognition we – as much as people in any other culture – are at risk of choosing poor strategies to meet our needs. And how can we do otherwise? For in order to choose a strategy at all, we are obliged to tell ourselves stories which make our actions OK within our culture, even whilst being unaware that our culture guides us in this way. How can such an approach be effective in honouring and meeting our needs?

As for Acors and Palmer, I wish them well. Whatever choices they make going forward, I would wish for them that they honour themselves, holding themselves as creative, resourceful and whole. I would wish for them that they honour their needs and meet them in ways which bring deep joy and satisfaction. This is no more nor less than I would want for anyone.

Celebrating the power of nonviolent communication

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In recent days, my inbox has been peppered with messages from colleagues who, like me, attended an international intensive training in something called “nonviolent” or “compassionate” communication in July 2007.

Nonviolent communication is the work of Marshall Rosenberg and it was Marshall who ran the training. Marshall has dedicated much of his life to evolving a practical approach to communication, which could be seen as the manifestion of the biblical injunction to “love our neighbours as ourselves” or – in more recent times – the injunction of business gurus and psychologists alike to practise “win, win” communication. It has applications in many areas from building relationships that enrich with loved ones, through working with children in schools, through building effective business partnerships to mediation in a variety of settings.

To some, the word “compassionate” might well suggest something soft and woolly – a bit of a “love in”, perhaps! I think of this kind of communication as real or courageous conversations. In practising nonviolent communication I have learned to share myself more fully than I have ever done before, for example, risking whatever response might come my way.

Some relationships have become closer along the way. I also notice I have more and more moments of ease and connection – of intimacy even – with all sorts of people I meet on my way, from colleagues on courses to strangers on buses. Some relationships have ended, too, as the process of exploring reveals needs and intentions that do not sit well with each other. I have never regretted these conversations, nor these endings.

So, as I write, I think of my colleagues from the International Intensive Training and our days together in the beautiful Jura mountains of Switzerland. I celebrate so many moments during this programme that were meaningful to me. I celebrate my colleagues and everything they bring. I connect with the sense of blessing that comes as I think of these colleagues and of these experiences. I connect with the sense of gratitude that is alive in me as I think of everything that Marshall Rosenberg has done to develop this means of communication and to share it across the world. Blessings upon him. Blessings upon my colleagues. Blessings upon us all.