Tag Archives: developing leadership intelligence

Developing your “match fitness”: taking responsibility for your own needs

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

Mo had a highly successful career with an organisation he enjoyed working for. He was highly task-focused and could be relied upon to deliver against targets. He had built a reputation for turning round parts of the business that were under-performing and this had led to rapid promotion.

Mo was beginning to tire of his reputation as “turn-around king” and he wanted to take on a broader role. He especially wanted to demonstrate that he could deliver results in a part of the business that was thriving. He was willing to travel internationally and could see a number of possibilities across the organisation. Given his track record, he expected that he would be rewarded by a promotion.

Mo’s promotions had often come to him and, as time went on, he began to feel frustrated with the opportunities that were being offered to him. It seemed his manager had no understanding of his aspirations and no intention to find out what he wanted, despite Mo’s years of committed service. Increasingly, and for the first time in his career, Mo felt down and was struggling to enjoy his work.

Mo was harbouring an assumption of which he was unaware: that it was the responsibility of his manager on behalf of the organisation to meet his needs. What’s more, it was Mo’s view that his manager should be proactive in finding out what those needs were. For this reason, he took no action to further his own needs and didn’t share them with his boss.

The person who is match fit may have views about the role of his or her boss. And still, he leaves nothing to chance. He recognises that his boss (and anyone else, for that matter) may or may not share and fulfil his expectations. He is ready to take full responsibility for his needs. Sometimes this means taking action. Sometimes this means making requests of others. Over time, this proactive approach brings him closer to meeting his needs. Along the way, this approach helps to boost his sense of power and possibility.

Here are some questions to help you to identify the extent to which you are taking responsibility for your own needs:

  • To what extent do you think it’s OK to have needs?
  • To what extent are you aware of the approach you take to meeting your needs? To what extent have you chosen this approach?
  • To what extent do you view it as your responsibility to find ways to meet your needs?
  • To what extent do you have expectations of others – things you think they “ought” to do which would have an impact on your life?
  • To what extent do you take responsibility for the needs of others? (This could be a sign that you are expecting a quid pro quo whereby you meet their needs and they meet yours)

What additional questions would you offer in relation to taking responsibility for your own needs?

Developing your “match fitness”: stepping into your power

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

Sarah had been a highly successful regional sales manager in a thriving business when the recession hit and sales started to fall. Six months into the recession the company’s Board of Directors approved a re-shaping of the regions and Sarah was invited to apply for one of a reduced number of sales manager roles. She didn’t get the job.

Sarah’s initial response was to feel angry at the way she had been treated by her company. She also felt angry with herself, asking herself what she could have done to get the job and berating herself because she hadn’t seen the reorganisation coming.

Sarah’s response left her feeling powerless. This was because her focus was on the circumstances she found herself in rather than on the needs she wanted to meet. Because she didn’t know what she wanted (except insofar as she wanted the job she had not been given) she was not able to move forward.

The person who is match fit has a variety of ways to step into his or her power. This is the power of his or her needs as well as his or her power to meet them. For some people, knowing what they want and connecting with their desires is enough to provide energy and momentum. Others use specific techniques, including stepping into a future vision of having what they want. Whatever way you do it, stepping into your power provides strength and momentum to move forward with ease.

Here are some questions to help you to identify the extent to which you are able to step into your power:

  • To what extent are you able to connect with and to feel the power of what you want?
  • To what extent are you able to feel resourceful and empowered even in adversity?
  • To what extent are you able to step out of feelings that disempower you and into feelings that build momentum?
  • What tried and tested means do you have for stepping fully into your power?

What additional questions would you offer in relation to stepping into your power?

Developing your “match fitness”: knowing what you want

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

Andrew was a brilliant student, graduating from a leading UK university with a First Degree. He had embarked on his career with an ambition to become Finance Director of a FTSE 500 company by the age of 35. Andrew’s clear goal gave him direction early in his career, providing momentum and guiding his actions in line with the goal set by his 21-year-old self.

As his career progressed, however, Andrew discovered that this goal was no longer serving him. In his early 30s he realised it was unlikely he would meet his goal and he began to tell himself he was failing. What’s more, in quiet moments of honesty, Andrew realised that he wasn’t enjoying the path he had chosen.

The person who is match fit is highly attuned to what he or she wants and keeps this constantly under review. This is the person who understands the difference between surface desires (if you like, the form a desire might take) and the underlying needs that might be met by a goal or ambition. This allows a high degree of flexibility and makes it more likely that a need might be fulfilled or a goal met.

The person who is match fit is also attuned to different kinds of needs and has answers to any number of questions about what he or she wants. How do I want to be in this life? What values do I want to live my life by? What outcomes do I want to work towards? Above all, the person who is match fit goes beyond form to ask: and what would that do for me? Asking this last question guides the person who is match fit towards his or her deepest needs.

Here are some questions to help you to identify the extent to which you are able to know what you want:

  • To what extent do you have a clear vision of what you want your life to become?
  • How clearly have you identified and “signed up to” things that you want in your life (the values you want to live by, the way you want to be, the kind of relationships you want to have etc.)?
  • To what extent do you know what needs you are trying to meet at any given moment in time?
  • How well are you able to distinguish between the needs you are trying to meet and the strategy by which you might meet them?
  • How aware are you in the moment of times when your needs are being met and of times when your needs are not being met? And how well do you understand what needs are – or are not – being met?

What additional questions would you offer in relation to knowing what you want?

Developing your “match fitness”: starting from where you are

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

Alex worked in the highly competitive environment of a top flight law firm. She noticed that many of her peers – including those who were far more able than she was – were often highly stressed at work and dissatisfied in their careers. Nothing was ever good enough. She also noticed that their focus on what “should” be true and that this consumed a great deal of their energy without leading to any progress.

Alex was not sure that this was the environment she wanted to work in but she recognised that it was the environment she had chosen – at least for now. She decided to invest her energy in noticing what was true in the firm. She paid attention to the workings of the firm – the stated and unstated rules, procedures and culture. She paid attention to what she was bringing to the firm – including her aspirations, her skills and capabilities, and her values. She was accepting – and curious – about the situation in which she found herself.

Alex had mastered the skill of starting from where you are. Because she was able to accept the truth of her situation she was able to be present to her situation. Even in the most challenging situations she did not experience stress so much as an opportunity to check in and notice what was true at a given point in time. This ability enabled Alex to take informed decisions both about her immediate situation and about her long term career.

Here are some questions to help you to identify the extent to which you are able to start from where you are:

  • To what extent are you able to be present to whatever is true in your life right now – from your own thoughts and emotions to the circumstances in which you find yourself?
  • To what extent are you accepting of everything that is true in your life – even of those parts of you (or others) that are not accepting?

What additional questions would you offer in relation to starting from where you are?

Are you “match fit” for 2010?

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

What is the mother of all questions when it comes to testing the extent to which you are “match fit” in your life right now? As I think about this question I am aware that the postings that lie ahead each include questions – questions which relate to particular areas of personal fitness.

And still, I wonder what question or questions highlight the extent to which you are developing your “match fitness” across the whole of your life. This is the extent to which you feel able to meet whatever comes into your personal and professional life and to feel comfortable to embrace your experience fully.

Perhaps this question relates to an underlying belief, that no matter what the circumstances in which you find yourself, there’s no reason why your life should not be getting better and better. This is possible because your growing mastery of life and how to live life makes you less and less dependent on the circumstances in which you find yourself in order to enjoy life. It’s also possible because your growing mastery of life and how to live life acts to create a life which you can enjoy.

Perhaps some of the key questions that point you to this are:

  • To what extent are you enjoying your life increasingly (no matter what the external circumstances of your life)?
  • To what extent do you know that you have what it takes to create the life of your choosing and to handle whatever comes your way?
  • To what extent can you look back on the path you have chosen up until now and know you are moving in your chosen direction?

News from Learning for Life (Consulting), December 2009

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

Today I finish writing my newsletter, beginning my main article with the introduction below. In addition, in the days to come, I offer some questions on my blog to help readers explore the extent to which they are “match fit” and highlight some of the areas in which readers can develop their personal “match fitness”.

The global economic downturn in 2009 has brought testing times for leaders in organisations as they set out to maintain a healthy and viable business. Whilst some people have kept their jobs and even prospered, others have faced challenges for which they were unprepared.

Working with clients throughout the year it has been clear that some – though not all – are undaunted by the challenges they face, no matter what they may be. These are the people whose lives keep on getting better, because they just keep on getting better at the business of life and work. As leaders they are inspiring. As colleagues they are a pleasure to be around.

I think of these people as “match fit”. But how do you know when you’re match fit? And what does it take to be match fit, no matter what your circumstances?

Coaching, therapy and the outstanding leader

Coaching, Developing as a leader, ,

Autumn is meeting time for many as people return from holidays and begin to shape an agenda for the year ahead. Coaches are no exception. On the one hand, coaching clients return to coaching after their summer break. On the other hand, commissioning clients often ask to explore what role coaching can play in supporting the corporate agenda.

As I prepare for one such meeting, I am invited to share information in response to a range of questions. How do you work with clients? What are your aims and objectives? What is your coach training, knowledge and background? What arrangements do you have in place for your continuing professional development? What types of coaching intervention do you offer and to whom? How do you measure results? Can you share a typical coaching programme, including details of any questionnaires or tools you might use? Can you share your CV?

As I prepare my responses to these questions, I notice that I pause – only for a moment – before I share information about my personal development. What if I am judged on the basis of sharing this information? Still, I go ahead and write:

Alongside my professional formation I have also invested extensively in my own personal development throughout my career. As well as working with professional coaches I have also chosen at times to invest in therapeutic interventions including cognitive behavioural therapy and the physical therapy known as rolfing. My trainings in NLP and NVC have brought both personal growth and insights which inform my work as a professional coach, consultant and trainer.

I recognise the part of me that fears judgement. It is an old, old fear. I remember a period before I began to invest in my own learning in this way. This was a period in which I yearned to make this investment and yet was so fearful – what if I make this investment only to learn that I really am as flawed as others seem to be telling me I am? This was my greatest fear. This is the fear that still sits behind my fear of being judged by the people I have not yet met and who may become clients.

And yet I know how valuable these experiences have been to me and just how important they are to my work as an Executive Coach. For they give me something that the most effective leaders have in spades – the ability to stand back and observe myself, to notice my thoughts, feelings and emotions, to connect with my motivations in a given moment and to choose to respond to them in ways which serve me and those around me. For how can our leaders respond effectively in a given moment if they lack awareness of the choices they are already making, let alone of the wide range of choices available to them?

There’s more. For I draw on the depth of my own learning and experience when I ask questions of clients and make observations that open up new pathways for them. In the same way, the leader who has a deep self awareness is uniquely placed to coach those he or she leads. Though I am not a therapist, it comes as no surprise to me that some of the most effective coaches have a background as a therapist or experience of therapy as clients.

Perhaps, though, the most fundamental benefit I can offer to my clients based on my own experiences is this. For sometimes clients struggle in their current way of thinking, yearning to make changes and wondering if they will ever find a way to free themselves from the thrall of their habitual ways of thinking. Sometimes clients soar to reach new heights that they could not have believed possible and for which role models are few and wonder if they can make the journey. Sometimes they both struggle and soar. On these occasions I can come to coaching with a confidence that the journey they are setting out to make is possible for them. I can bring compassion for the journey. I can support them as they slow down to take just one step at a time.

For there is nothing to fear in supporting clients in their journey when your own journey has taught you that, yes, you can.

When does “not having learned yet” become a positive choice?

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, , ,

Last week I fielded a call from a colleague in the world of Nonviolent Communication. He let me know that I’d taken some actions that hadn’t met his needs and made some requests of me to support him in meeting his needs. So far, so good – this was what sometimes gets described as “classical” Nonviolent Communication.

There was something else, too. I sensed anger and I asked my colleague if he was feeling angry to which he replied that he was. I found it difficult to have a productive conversation – one that met both our needs and served to build and maintain trust – as long as my colleague was speaking from a place of anger with its implicit belief that I was responsible both for his angry feelings and for taking actions to meet his needs.

Marshall Rosenberg, the originator of Nonviolent Communication often teaches that some forms of expression are a “tragic expression of an unmet need” – tragic, because as strategies for meeting one’s needs go, they are highly likely to fail. As an alternative, Rosenberg invites his students to transform anger into a deeper understanding of their needs. So, when another’s action stimulates anger, you might choose to ask for help in transforming your anger or to do this work yourself. Having done that, you are in a strong position to share your needs in ways another person can hear. In this way, you are more likely to have a productive conversation.

My experience with my colleague raised an important question for me – one that I bump into from time to time: at what point does “not having learned yet” become a positive choice for which one is solely responsible? If I accept that we are all doing the best we know how at a given point in time and acting from a positive intention (no matter how effective or ineffective our strategy) my choice of response might be wholly different to the response I might choose if I take a different view – that the person concerned has the tools he or she needs to speak in ways which are supportive to us both and has chosen not to use them.

Looking forward, I’m wondering whether I might, in future, begin a conversation like this by asking for clarity: dear colleague, are you asking for me to support you as you seek to transform your anger and clarify your needs? Or are you – from a place of anger – wanting me to take responsibility for your feelings of anger and for taking some actions that might make you feel better? And having clarifed my colleague’s requests I might choose to say yes – or no.

This example is but one of many and it’s focused on those people who have studied what it takes to be effective (whether via a professional coaching training, Neurolinguistic Programming, Nonviolent Communication or some other training). This is before one even considers a further question: and what about those people who choose not to hear the feedback that might lead them to embark on a course of learning?

I wonder, what are your views?

Vulnerability? Bring it on!

Coaching, Developing as a leader, ,

Readers of my blog may know that I am a regular reader of, and contributor to, the Training Journal Daily Digest. This is a forum where a diverse group of in-house and independent trainers, consultants, coaches and sundry professionals come to share views with and seek help from their colleagues. It’s also a place of abundance! There’s so much that I enjoy about it.

Recently, there has been a discussion thread about how different people are experiencing the recession. Is it all doom and gloom? Clearly not. Still, the question implicit in such a discussion is: “how honest are we prepared to be?”

One posting caught my eye and resonated with me. It has messages for those of us who work as coaches – those to whom others look for an example. It has messages for those of us who lead – again, to whom others look for an example. The message was from Hilary Cooke (see http://www.merlin-consultancy.com/) and, with her generous permission, I reproduce it here:

To reply to your question, my biggest learning has so often been, and still is, around how I handle myself and certainly managing my own anxieties and vulnerabilities is an important part of that. John Heron (one of my heroes) is red-hot explicit on how we cannot safely take clients to areas we have not been to and do not dare visit ourselves.

I work a lot with people who are in jobs or roles where it has become important to fake what you feel and then manage the emotional labour that it creates. It takes huge amounts of energy to deny feelings and I don’t choose that for myself.

I have my own lightbulb joke about consultancy – how many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer – I don’t know, and I’m too busy to think about it now, but I’ll send you a proposal when I get time at the weekend.

So – we become seduced into our own brand of “macho” (I think) – and it’s about success equating to being raftered with work. Ask any colleague at a networking do and they will shake their head from side to side, tut like a plumber looking at a leak and adopt a pained expression whilst proclaiming how soooooo busy they are. That’s the facade for clients too – after all, if we are not busy, the unspoken rider is “well you can’t be very good then” and so we come to believe our own propaganda.

The risk to ourselves is building our dream-life – and then becoming too busy to benefit from it or enjoy it – and then have the temerity to advise other people on how to live theirs??? (Talk about “take my advice – I don’t happen to be using it myself!”)

Personally, I wouldn’t employ a coach or developer who couldn’t prove and quantify their own time and income expenditure on objective self development – I certainly do and expect the same from my partners. I also think it’s a shame that there is not a compulsory supervision practice to support consultants and coaches, as there is in psychotherapy. I choose to go in to supervision if I feel I am approaching or bumping into the coaching / therapy boundary with certain clients, and maintain my coaching tribe for different purposes. It’s knowing my own limits that enables me to create and hold the safe space that you talk about and that we know to have such value in our work – both with groups and individuals.

So yeah – vulnerabilities, anxieties, fears, – bring them on – and acknowledge that they are there. Only then can they be managed. It’s the ones I don’t yet know, my blind spots, that are the dangerous ones – so if you spot any, I trust you will tell me!

Taking time off

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, ,

In my recent newsletter article about thriving in hard times, I suggested that it’s good to take time off. I also highlighted how different types of time off come with different outcomes. I wrote:

Lesley’s response to her fear of redundancy has been to work longer hours. Over time, the return on this investment has been poor. Although Lesley is working longer hours she is increasingly exhausted so that her productivity during the hours she is working has gone down rather than up. At the same time, she is now so close to her work that she is increasingly losing perspective. This lack of perspective is adversely affecting her performance at work. What’s more, increasingly, she sees keeping her current job as the one and only way of meeting her needs and this in turn increases her sense of stress.

John has taken a different approach. Taking time out with friends has provided a distraction from his concerns. Smoking and drinking has also been providing a welcome break. However, this approach has had its downsides. As well as increasing risks to his health, John’s approach has led to tension at home where his wife, also worried about the possible impact of the economy, sees John’s approach as irresponsible and has started to criticise him.

Carl’s approach reflects his confidence that he is doing what he can to make progress towards his goals. During the time he works, he focuses on making progress in the areas in which he has set himself targets. Away from work, he gives his full attention to activities which are also meeting his needs. Carl is clear, for example, that he wants to create – together with his wife – a relationship that enriches them both. He also wants to maintain health and physical fitness. Far from being a distraction from work, his other-than-work activities also contribute to his well-being in other areas of his life.

Where do you start if you are tied up in work and don’t know how to take time off? Here are a few clues:

  • Step 1: Notice where you’re starting from. Perhaps you’re working hard and you don’t believe it’s possible to take time off and survive. In this case, you might want to go straight to Step 2 below. Perhaps you are taking time off and at the same time you notice how you don’t feel any better for it. In this case you might want to skip to Step 3. At this stage, you may like to check for any signs that you are taking actions to block out your emotions – to take the edge off your fear of failing at this critical time, for example, or of losing your job. If this is true for you, you might like to ask yourself “do I want to live my life this way?” If the answer is no, it may be timely for you to reach out for help;
  • Step 2: Replace “I don’t have time” with “I have all the time I need”. The belief that you don’t have time to take time off is just that – a belief. At some level, it’s a belief that you’re choosing. If you want to explore the theme of choosing you might like to read Choosing to Choose (http://dorothynesbit.blogspot.com/2009/05/choosing-to-choose.html) or Choosing Beliefs that Empower (http://dorothynesbit.blogspot.com/2009/06/choosing-beliefs-that-empower.html), also in this series of articles. Or you might like to try on two contrasting beliefs, for example “I don’t have time” and “I have all the time I need”. Take time with each belief, noticing how you feel when you try on each belief. Which one is the most empowering? Once you choose the belief “I have all the time I need” the question becomes not “Have I got time…?” but “How do I make time..?”
  • Step 3: Notice what you want from your spare time. What do you want your spare time to do for you? Carl was clear about what he wanted from his spare time? Are you? The more you get clear about what you want from your spare time the more you can plan activities that are likely to give you what you want. Carl’s aims, for example, require ongoing and sustained investment to come good. Sometimes, though, it’s enough to notice that you need to take a break to refresh your thinking in the workplace or that you’re hungry and need “brain food”;
  • Step 4: Plan an action or course of action that meets your needs. Once you know what needs you want to meeet, you can identify and take the action or actions to meet your needs. It’s possible that at this stage you may identify multiple courses of action to meet different needs and you may even feel overwhelmed as you try to fit everything in. So it may help to approach this stage as a time of experimentation;
  • Step 5: Check: is it working? Meeting your needs requires a constant awareness of how well your chosen actions are working – both in meeting individual needs and in supporting you in meeting all your needs. Planning a lengthy round of golf each week may meet your need for regular exercise, for example, but how does it contribute to your need to sustain a healthy and loving relationship with your partner? Make a point of checking how effective your plans are in meeting the needs you have identified and make adjustments.