Tag Archives: About Coaching

Vulnerability? Bring it on!

Coaching, Developing as a leader, ,

Readers of my blog may know that I am a regular reader of, and contributor to, the Training Journal Daily Digest. This is a forum where a diverse group of in-house and independent trainers, consultants, coaches and sundry professionals come to share views with and seek help from their colleagues. It’s also a place of abundance! There’s so much that I enjoy about it.

Recently, there has been a discussion thread about how different people are experiencing the recession. Is it all doom and gloom? Clearly not. Still, the question implicit in such a discussion is: “how honest are we prepared to be?”

One posting caught my eye and resonated with me. It has messages for those of us who work as coaches – those to whom others look for an example. It has messages for those of us who lead – again, to whom others look for an example. The message was from Hilary Cooke (see http://www.merlin-consultancy.com/) and, with her generous permission, I reproduce it here:

To reply to your question, my biggest learning has so often been, and still is, around how I handle myself and certainly managing my own anxieties and vulnerabilities is an important part of that. John Heron (one of my heroes) is red-hot explicit on how we cannot safely take clients to areas we have not been to and do not dare visit ourselves.

I work a lot with people who are in jobs or roles where it has become important to fake what you feel and then manage the emotional labour that it creates. It takes huge amounts of energy to deny feelings and I don’t choose that for myself.

I have my own lightbulb joke about consultancy – how many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb? Answer – I don’t know, and I’m too busy to think about it now, but I’ll send you a proposal when I get time at the weekend.

So – we become seduced into our own brand of “macho” (I think) – and it’s about success equating to being raftered with work. Ask any colleague at a networking do and they will shake their head from side to side, tut like a plumber looking at a leak and adopt a pained expression whilst proclaiming how soooooo busy they are. That’s the facade for clients too – after all, if we are not busy, the unspoken rider is “well you can’t be very good then” and so we come to believe our own propaganda.

The risk to ourselves is building our dream-life – and then becoming too busy to benefit from it or enjoy it – and then have the temerity to advise other people on how to live theirs??? (Talk about “take my advice – I don’t happen to be using it myself!”)

Personally, I wouldn’t employ a coach or developer who couldn’t prove and quantify their own time and income expenditure on objective self development – I certainly do and expect the same from my partners. I also think it’s a shame that there is not a compulsory supervision practice to support consultants and coaches, as there is in psychotherapy. I choose to go in to supervision if I feel I am approaching or bumping into the coaching / therapy boundary with certain clients, and maintain my coaching tribe for different purposes. It’s knowing my own limits that enables me to create and hold the safe space that you talk about and that we know to have such value in our work – both with groups and individuals.

So yeah – vulnerabilities, anxieties, fears, – bring them on – and acknowledge that they are there. Only then can they be managed. It’s the ones I don’t yet know, my blind spots, that are the dangerous ones – so if you spot any, I trust you will tell me!

Knowing what you want

Coaching, Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, , ,

I can’t write about traits that underpin resilience without writing about knowing what you want. Ian McDermott, in the field of neurolinguistic programming (or NLP) defines outcome orientation as one of the four pillars of success. Marshall Rosenberg, originator of nonviolent communication, highlights how often, when working as a clinical psychologist and treating people who suffered from depression, he would find that they were at a loss to know what they really wanted – and how to make it happen. In my own work with senior leaders in a wide range of settings, research has demonstrated how the most effective leaders set and work towards challenging goals for themselves and others.

In my newsletter, I write:

One aspect of developing an internal locus of control is knowing what you want. In hard times, it’s easy to be clear about what you want to avoid. For John, for example, avoiding redundancy is about protecting his mortgage payments whilst for Lesley, keeping her job is about avoiding the loss of face she fears will come with redundancy. Carl has taken a different view. Rather than seeking to avoid certain outcomes he actively focuses on those outcomes he wants to achieve: his primary objective at work is to provide for his family and to have fun whilst doing so.

Carl’s view of what he wants provides a sense of excitement and momentum. In coaching, helping clients to clarify what they want is amongst the primary tasks of coaching: getting clear on what you want produces a positive energy and can provide the basis for action.

Some people might view this as paradoxical: after all, isn’t it precisely those times when we don’t get what we want that we find hard? At the same time, it’s often true that those people – including people in leadership roles – who have a clear vision of the outcomes they want to achieve are precisely the people who show the most resilience in hard times.

What are your options if you want to get clear on what you want? As a coach, I have found that clients value a whole variety of ways to identify what they want. I’ll be writing about some of them under the heading Staying Connected. Meantime, here are some of the methods my clients use to generate an over-arching vision of their “ten out of ten” life, career, business or other outcome:

  • Whether you are thinking about your work or the whole of your life, it helps to find ways to daydream about your “ten out of ten” life. There are many of these and I invite you to choose ways that work for you. If you enjoy pictures, it can help to set up a “dream board” and to look out for pictures that in some way represent something that is important to you as part of your “ten out of ten” life. Equally, you might like to use a scrapbook or notebook for this purpose;
  • Some clients favour writing as a way to generate ideas. It may not surprise readers that this is one of my preferred approaches. Every now and again, I take time to daydream in writing. For me, this is the process of writing about what I want, whether my focus is on my business aspirations, my life as a whole or some particular aspect of what I’m wanting;
  • In the workplace, some approaches are favoured more than others to generate ideas. Brainstorming is one way of sharing possibilities and can be used with teams. Alternatively, having people write their ideas on post it notes before sharing them and grouping them by themes and discussing them can make it easy for every member of a team to contribute ideas.

I want to highlight two principles that my clients find invaluable, no matter what method they are using to identify what they want. The first is to suspend any questions about how you might get what you want. This allows you to range freelly, trusting that you will find ways to make your dreams come true at a later stage. The second is to “try it on for size”. This is the process of imagining what you want as if you already have it, an approach beloved of Olympic sportsmen and women. This helps you to check out ahead of time whether you really do want what you imagine you want: if you don’t, you’ll feel it somewhere in the body. In addition, by imagining you already have it, you start to rehearse what it might take to get it.

I invite you to share your response to this posting. Do you have ways of getting in touch with what you want that you’re willing to share here? Which of the ideas above have you tried out and with what outcomes?

When it’s time to follow your bliss

Alternative approaches, Coaching, Emotional Intelligence, , ,
The power of coaching lies in its invitation to become increasingly conscious of the dreams we hold for our life and to take steps towards the fulfilment of these dreams. Joseph Campbell, author of The Hero With A Thousand Faces and The Power Of Myth, describes the choice to pursue this journey as “following your bliss”. Because coaching sponsors this journey, whether clients are working with “life”, “executive” or any other coaches, they usually report high levels of satisfaction with their experience of coaching.
This is not to suggest that the road we travel when we act to create the life of our dreams is always easy. Often, clients come up against barriers to progress and need to find ways to engage with these barriers and to overcome them. The most insidious of these are clients’ (often hidden) limiting beliefs. Do I have the resources I need to create the life I dream of? Will my loved ones support me – continue to love me, even – if I pursue my dreams? How will people respond if I fail? Will my gain be at others’ expense? The list goes on and on. Perhaps the mother of all hidden beliefs – the belief that underlies the myriad questions we ask ourselves – is the belief that it’s somehow not OK to live the life of our choosing; the belief, if you like, that it is not our lot to be happy and fulfilled in life.
Today I am reminded of this in my work with one of my coaching clients and I promise to pop a quote onto my blog. The quote is from a book by Michael Berg called The Secret: Unlocking The Source Of Joy And Fulfilment. Michael’s family is prominent in sharing the teachings of Kabbalah. Whilst I am not a student of Kabbalah, my precious friend Rob is. As a result of our sharing over time, I was delighted to read Michael Berg’s tiny book and the quote I share below jumped out at me. I dedicate it to my coaching clients and their various journeys:
One of these lessons needs to be introduced now, for it’s the foundation of everything that follows. This lesson can be expressed in few words: Our true destiny is not the pain and suffering that can seem so pervasive in the world but a joy and fulfilment beyond imagining.
I wonder, what new doors would open up for us all if we were guided in our lives by this belief?

Working towards balance and contentment

Clients and testimonials, Coaching, , ,

Recently, I wrote about “Life” and “Executive” coaching on my blog.

I was reminded of this posting following a coaching session I held with someone I used to work with – a former colleague whom I rarely see and treasure nonetheless. This was a kind of whole life “health check”, taking an overview of her current personal and professional life and exploring what is working for her at present and what could be working better. Afterwards she wrote to me:

“I feel very honoured that you gave me your time so that I could start to work towards a better balance and contentment in my life. I feel more strongly now that it is a realistic ambition and one that I deserve”.

No matter what the context for my work as a coach, I always take time with clients to look at the overall picture of their life at the start of coaching. To do this is to take stock – to notice what’s working and to identify areas where progress could make a difference. This seems to be of equal value whether clients are senior executives or individuals seeking to create the life they dream of. Equally, this seems to support clients whether they are starting out as coaching clients, in the midst of coaching or simply (as was true this time) taking a one-off opportunity to take stock.

I take a moment to reflect on the question of “Life” and “Executive” coaching. With more than twenty years’ experience of helping senior leaders to develop the skills and competencies they need I am, first and foremost, an Executive Coach. Nonetheless, my clients are, first and foremost, real people who want to lead lives that are satisfying and rewarding. I am grateful to my friend and former colleague for this reminder.

Speaking generally

Coaching, Developing as a leader, ,

Taking a walk at lunchtime, I find myself reflecting on two messages which have landed in my in-tray during the course of the day. One message asks how I am faring at this unquestionably terrible time. Another points me to the opportunities that are open to us all at this time of recession. One thing is clear: whichever way you look at it, the generalisation is alive and well.

I am reminded of the body of work which has become known as Neuro-linguistic Programming or NLP. My first glimpse in the direction of NLP – though I didn’t know it at the time – came in 1983 when I took a paper in linguistics as part of my degree and grappled with the theories of Noam Chomsky. Dr John Grinder was also a student of Chomsky’s work, studying Chomsky’s theories of transformational grammar in the early 1970s. This was about the time he was approached by under-graduate student Richard Bandler who asked Grinder to join him in modelling the various cognitive behavioral patterns of three leading therapists in the field of Gestalt. Eventually, this work became the basis of the methodology that became the foundation of Neuro-linguistic Programming.

Bandler and Grinder created something they called the Meta-Model to examine the way we structure language to describe our model of the world. Historically, the Meta-Model provided the first publicly available NLP interventions and Richard Bandler described the Meta-Model as “the engine that drives NLP”. Bandler and Grinder proposed three primary processes by we translate experience into language: deletion, generalisation and distortion. If Bandler and Grinder are correct, the process of noticing patterns in our experience and forming generalisations provides the basis for forming a set of rules or principles by which we go on to operate. These rules help us to simplify our understanding and to make predictions. They also guide our choices and behaviours.

So much for the (brief) history lesson. Of what interest is this model during our current times? It seems to me that to view the current economic climate as one of unremitting gloom is to invite outcomes which may not serve us. Our mood may quickly come to reflect our belief and this may be an unpleasant experience in its own right. What’s more, by forming the view that we are all in the same (terrible) boat we may miss out on a variety of opportunities – to take positive action, for example, or to connect with the people around us.

A generalisation which creates a world of opportunity may also have its drawbacks. How can we be sensitive, for example, to those people whose livelihoods are in danger (or who, at least, fear their livelihoods are in danger) when all we can see is a world of opportunity? And if opportunities are everywhere, how can we begin to tease out and discern the real opportunities that face us and our businesses? Perhaps the key here is to recognise that, whether or not we choose to generalise, and whether we choose to generalise a gloomy or a positive world, we do choose.

I think of my work as a coach which helps the people – often leaders – with whom I work to become aware of the choices they are making and to make choices which serve their aims and intentions. It seems to me that the work of helping clients consciously to choose has its time in the “hard times” every bit as much as in the “good times”. And of course, as a coach, I recognise my own responsibility to monitor my own choices at this time. It seems to me that, no matter what, nobody wants to work with a coach who feels defeated by current events.

Where ‘life’ and ‘executive’ coaching meet

Coaching

Since I started to place coaching at the centre of my business I have learnt that, when I say I am a coach, people will often ask: “Are you a Life Coach?” I have also learnt that, for some people at least, the term ‘Life Coach’ carries less-than-positive connotations. So, having fielded this question once again, I decide to pick at it a little here on my blog – and maybe not for the last time.

Of course, the question implies that there are differences between ‘Life’ and other forms of coaching. And since I call myself an Executive Coach I wonder how to differentiate between the two. Perhaps the most obvious thing to say is that Executive Coaching is for Executives and has as its point of departure questions relating to the Executive and his or her work. Most of my clients come to me because of my reputation for working with senior leaders in organisations, hence “Executive Coach”. Life Coaching, by contrast, is for anyone and has as its point of departure wider questions pertaining to the individual’s life as a whole.

What does this mean in practice? Perhaps it’s worth saying that Life Coaching will often embrace questions of work whilst Executive Coaching will often embrace the wider questions of life. This can happen both in a personal and in a wider sense. Beginning with a personal example, it’s often true that when an Executive faces up to a new challenge or sets out to learn something which will support his or her career progress, the same challenge or learning need is likely to show up in all sorts of areas. Perhaps the leader who finds it difficult to place limits on the freedoms afforded to staff will also have difficulty saying ‘no’ to his or her children. Or maybe the Executive who decides to address problems in his or her marriage finds over time a renewed passion for work as things get better at home. It’s always been my experience as a coach that the questions we ask ourselves about our work have resonance elsewhere in our lives.

And in case we think that work is something separate from life, it may be worth asking ourselves what our current global economic and political situation is here to teach us. As Prime Minister Gordon Brown’s government today investigates the role U.K. bank directors have played in creating our current economic situation it seems to me that one question is waiting to be asked: how do we want our business and organisations to contribute to our lives? Maybe we would also do well to ask whether our goal is to create businesses and organisations which serve us in creating lives worth living or whether our goal is to devote our lives in service of our businesses and organisations.

And as I write I recognise that this posting opens up a subject whilst leaving many questions unanswered. What, for example, distinguishes the ‘Executive’ from the ‘Life’ Coach? Why does the term ‘Life Coaching’ have less-than-positive connotations for some? And does that imply that Executive Coaching is in any way superior?

And since these and other questions are going to wait for another day I invite you to add your questions to this list via the comments link below. I’d love to answer them – in good time.

Creating the climate for success

Coaching, Developing as a leader, , , ,

Amongst my e-mails today is one from Gina Lawrie and Bridget Belgrave. Gina and Bridget are amongst the foremost trainers in the UK in the field of nonviolent communication, an approach that is dear to my heart. As well as sharing their training programme (which you can find at http://www.NvcDanceFloors.com) they share a quote by Carl Rogers, from his book A Way of Being:

“My experience has shown that another paradigm is far more effective and constructive for the individual and for society. It is that, given a suitable psychological climate, humankind is trustworthy, creative, self-motivated, powerful, and constructive – capable of releasing undreamed-of potentialities.”

Carl Rogers has been a significant influence in 20th Century thinking and his work continues to guide professional coaches as well as his fellow therapists. Surely this is also the paradigm that Douglas McGregor outlines as “Theory Y” in his seminal book, The Human Side of Enterprise.

I take a moment to reflect on this quote and to celebrate my work as a coach, which is my way of supporting individual leaders in creating a psychological climate – for themselves as well as for those they lead – that supports the powerful, constructive and purposeful use of our abundant creativity. I feel so blessed in this work, in its contribution to those with whom I work, to the businesses they work in and to the wider world.

When work gives way to rest

Coaching,

Whilst most of my clients are sponsored by their employing organisations, Monday is reserved for clients who come to me privately. Some of these are the same senior leaders with whom I work during the rest of the week, except that they choose to pay for their own coaching. Some, but not all. Speaking with these clients on the phone (and with my own coach, Lynne) can make for a busy day with my last session finishing at 7pm in the evening.

Whilst my work with clients can be extraordinary in its diversity, today, I am struck by a common underlying theme. It seems that, as the year draws to its close, we are all ready for a rest. For some, the body has kicked in with messages – more or less robust – that the pace of recent months cannot go on. For others, it is simply that the motivation to move forward, which has characterised much of the year, is suddenly giving way to a gentle trusting, a sense that the time for such assertive action is giving way to a new time, to rest and take stock.

I notice that I, too, am ready for rest and restoration. Even the number of postings I have made this month seems slightly fewer than in previous months. I have started to prioritise those activities I would like to complete before Christmas and to postpone others that can wait until after a break.

I take a moment to ponder the natural rhythms that guide us, recognising a wisdom we all share – if only we take time to listen.

The power of the mid-term coaching review

Coaching,

I have mentioned before the practice I have with a colleague of conducting coaching reviews at the end of coaching assignments. Our reciprocal arrangement – to interview each other’s clients – gives clients a space in which they can say whatever comes to mind without fear of offending. It’s an invaluable source of feedback and learning for us, helping us to develop our coaching skills as well as to close our coaching projects fully when this time comes.

As time goes on, I have more and more clients who are ‘returners’ – coming back for more coaching after a break – or longstanding clients. These are people who make an ongoing commitment to coaching. These clients have many reasons for choosing coaching as an ongoing relationship, not least because it affords them the opportunity to step back from life’s immediate demands to re-connect wth a bigger picture. The more I work with these clients, the more I am moving towards a process of mid-term coaching review and finding it invaluable.

This evening I sit with one such coaching review. It’s clear from the responses that my client has taken the opportunity to ask “what do I need at this stage in my coaching?” I drop him a line to thank him for his feedback and to suggest we take some time to agree how best to meet his needs as they are now evolving.

As ever, I am grateful to my colleague for her willingness to devote time to this process. I am grateful for the value it brings to me, to my clients.

Sitting with the question

Coaching,

I am three days into my trip to Dubai, my third trip in as many months, and I find myself sitting with a coach’s dilemma – yearning to share and committed to confidentiality.

Perhaps dilemma is not the word, for there is no dilemma when you have made your commitment to maintain client confidentiality. Nothing gets shared for which you have not been given permission.

And still, as I reflect, I wonder how to honour my clients in this posting, how to honour the readers of this blog by sharing.

Even as I write I have no answer and simply sit with the question.