Category Archives: Developing as a leader

A practical demonstration of empathy

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This week I have been writing about empathy and, once again, I am immensely grateful to my colleague in the world of NVC, Jeroen Lichtenauer, for highlighting the availability on YouTube of a recorded session in which the highly influential American psychologist, Carl Rogers, seeks to demonstrate his client-centred approach to therapy with a woman called Gloria.  This is, essentially, a practical demonstration of empathy.

This session is part of a programme or programmes which sought to compare three different types of therapy which were popular at the time (by my guess, in the late 1950s or early 1960s).  In the series, the same woman – Gloria – visits three different psychologists who demonstrate the approaches they are using.

Gloria, a woman divorced at a time when divorce was still uncommon, comes to Rogers hoping he will answer the dilemma she faces as she remembers that she lied to her daughter when asked if she had had sex with another man since divorcing her father.  Gloria wants to be honest with her daughter and at the same time she yearns for her daughter’s acceptance and fears that her daughter will not accept her if she is honest about her post-marital sexual experiences.

Rogers’ approach gradually uncovers the extent to which Gloria is able to give herself empathy and self-acceptance.  At the same time, Rogers’ willingness to support Gloria in exploring her own experience and his lack of judgement makes it increasingly likely that Gloria will take steps towards greater self acceptance.

The programme is posted as a series of clips and the links are below:

Carl Rogers and Gloria:  Part One
Carl Rogers and Gloria:  Part Two
Carl Rogers and Gloria:  Part Three
Carl Rogers and Gloria:  Part Four
Carl Rogers and Gloria:  Part Five

What is empathy, anyway, and why does it matter?

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We can say that when a person finds himself sensitively and accurately understood, he develops a set of growth promoting or therapeutic attitudes toward himself.

Carl Rogers
Empathic:  An Unappreciated Way of Being

Well, I didn’t set out to make this week Empathy Week and still, I am immensely grateful to my colleague in the world of non-violent communication (NVC), Jeroen Lichtenauer, for highlighting a wealth of resources available to support my exploration.

Today, I have been diving into a paper written by Carl Rogers, entitled Empathic:  An Unappreciated Way of Being.  Before I write about Rogers’ article it is worth saying a few words about the man himself:  Carl Rogers worked as a psychologist and therapist in twentieth century America and his work has been highly influential across a range of related fields.  As well as shaping an approach to therapy which is radically different to some of the more analytical approaches which preceded it, Rogers’ approach has been highly influential in the modern coaching profession and Marshall Rosenberg also points to Rogers as having influenced his attempts to develop an approach (eventually called Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication) which could be shared easily around the world without the costs associated with individual therapy.

Now, Rogers’ credentials are highly rated with some and yet may ring alarm bells with others.  What does all this mean for the average man or woman seeking to find a way through a corporate career?  It’s worth mentioning the work of David McClelland and his colleagues (popularised by Daniel Goleman in such books as Emotional Intelligence and Working with Emotional Intelligence).  McClelland’s research showed that our effectiveness in the workplace depends significantly on a number of competencies which depend on our emotional rather than intellectual intelligence.  Empathy matters!  And, in fact, empathy is listed as a competency in the Hay Group Emotional Competence Inventory which seeks to translate these research findings into practical ways of measuring competency and emotional intelligence at work.

Rogers’ paper includes a number of definitions of empathy including at least two of his own.  The quote above, from the conclusion of his paper, points both to what we might mean by empathy and to the significance of empathy for the individual.  Both are big subjects in themselves so let me just say for the moment that when we are able to be present to our own thoughts, feelings, experience and needs (self empathy) or to the thoughts, feelings, experience and needs of another (empathy) without judgement we open up a wide range of possibilities in our relationships and communication with self and other.  This is every bit as significant in the workplace as it is in the therapist’s office, where the presence or absence of empathy will have an effect on key aspects of our work life.  These include our ability to make and execute sound decisions as well as our personal well-being, our ability to engage those we lead as well as our ability to marshall our own inner – and often conflicting  – voices.

What is the key question we might ask our selves to determine the extent to which we are able to demonstrate empathy?  Here is my starter for ten:  am I able to put myself in the shoes of another, to connect with their feelings and needs and in this way to see multiple perspectives without needing to be “right”?

Developing empathy: recommended reading from my colleagues

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Having made my own recommendations on developing empathy (see my posting of 12th July 2010) I also looked out for recommendations from my colleagues on the Training Journal Daily Digest.  Here are their recommendations with my own comments underneath:

I would fully recommend anything by Daniel Goleman, ‘Emotional Intelligence’, ‘Social Intelligence’ or ‘The New Leaders’ for the coaching client.

The ‘Emotional Intelligence Activity Book’ by Adele B Lynn is a very practical book and covers empathy. It’s very much a how to book.

One more thought, ‘The Emotional Intelligence Quick Book’ by Travis Bradberry & Jean Greaves is a really accessible book and quite short, and it has a free online EQ test. This might be more what your client is looking for.

You could try ‘The Secret Language of Feelings: a rational approach to emotional mastery’ by Calvin Banyan (2003). Although not written from an empathy perspective, and more for the individual wanting to understand his/her own emotions, it provides insight in what’s behind our feelings.

I would add that I have worked extensively with the research on competencies and emotional intelligence that underpins Goleman’s books.  I see them as outlining in ways which are highly engaging what is meant by such things as emotional intelligence, illustrating sound research with engaging stories.  I wouldn’t typically go to these books for practical help in how to develop emotional intelligence, empathy and so on – so it’s interesting to note that the second recommendation above is described as a ‘how to’ book.

Practical approaches to developing empathy

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Sometimes, leaders in organisations come to coaching with a yearning to develop their ability to empathise and this is no surprise, since our culture, including our workplace culture, does not always favour the use of empathy.  So when one of my colleagues on the Training Journal Daily Digest asked for recommendations for practical reading on developing empathy I made my contribution and also looked out for the contributions of others.

This is what I wrote, which will come as no surprise to regular readers of my blog:

Developing empathy…. my top reading recommendation would be Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life.

I don’t think you can beat Rosenberg’s approach to empathy. For those of us who are naturally empathetic it helps us to develop an approach to empathy which maintains clear boundaries. To those of us for whom empathy is a bit of a foreign country it provides very clear distinctions (e.g. between the needs we have and the strategies by which we seek to meet them) and very clear steps for providing empathy.

Given that you are looking for something for an executive client I would want to acknowledge the book’s potential limitations. The subtitle (‘create your life, relationships and your world in harmony with your values’), the visuals of the front cover and even some of the terms used can be a step or two outside the comfort zone of some people who are used to the FT as their daily reading. In other words, the book is targeted at human beings rather than at executives. Having said that, I have recommended it to a number of executive clients and I’ve never had this back as a comment. More often, they are immensely grateful for the recommendation and go on to apply their learning in a variety of contexts.


Recently, and from the same ‘school’ of nonviolent communication, colleagues have recommended a second book which is aimed at executives, Words That Work in Business: A Practical Guide to Effective Communication in the Workplace, by Ike Ilaster. I haven’t read it yet but I do notice that it starts with input on self empathy and empathy for others.

I look forward with curiosity to others’ recommendations.

PS Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Can you absolutely know that what you’ve chosen to believe about yourself is true?

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Going through my e-mails I come to a short film shared by coaching colleague Emma Chilvers from Nik Askew’s website at http://www.soulbiographies.com/.  I haven’t come across the site before, which sends out short films (this one three minutes) by subscription on a Monday morning.

They are not films to watch in a hurry even though they’re short:  this three minute film has brief content that bears deep thought and unrolls at a pace which requires ease rather than haste.

The message, delivered by Katies Byron, is thought-provoking and points to the way we can limit ourselves by holding beliefs about ourselves as if they were true.  I wonder about the implications for us as we develop.  I wonder about the implications for us as we develop as leaders.

The message?

Most of us believe the thoughts we hold about ourselves to be true.  Without question.  Even though they diminish our capacity for life.

Few ever wonder if ‘such thoughts’ are true.

Can you abolutely know that what you’ve chosen to believe about yourself is true?

Seeing the unseen: truths about the society we live in

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Last week I wrote about the context in which we give feedback and this week I want to point to two more resources which supply insights into the society we live in.  Both provide insights for leaders about the context in which we lead.  This is not just about organisational culture.  It’s also about a wider culture.

The first resource is Walter Wink’s book The Powers That Be:  Theology For A New Millenium.  Winks has written extensively about what he calls the “powers” and this book draws together key points from a number of his books.  Maybe one way to understand Wink’s book is to imagine as a human being without knowledge of the overall size and shape of our planet being taken into space and shown, for the first time, that our planet earth is round and part of a much wider system.  Wink’s provides a compelling case for the idea that we live in a culture which favours violence (he calls it the domination system) and offers an alternative both to using violence to respond to violence and to a passive acceptance of domination by others.  He calls this alternative to classic fight or flight the third way or nonviolence.  I have heard that this book provided inspiration for Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication:  A Language for Life as well as for Rosenberg’s lifetime commitment to teach nonviolence.  As a fan of Rosenberg’s work I found Wink’s book informed my understanding of this thing called NVC, too.

(Maybe it’s important to recognise in this posting that the subtitle of Wink’s book Theology for a New Millenium points both to Wink’s Christian faith and to the source of his interest.  If you are what often gets called a practising Christian you may find that this book challenges you in your understanding of Christ’s teachings, providing new insights into some key events in Christ’s life based on an understanding of the historical context in which Christ taught people – for example – to “turn the other cheek”.  And if you are not a Christian but simply someone who is seeking to understand the context in which you live and work I hope you will still read Wink’s book and draw insights from it).

Alongside Wink’s book, I recently came across the work of Anne Wilson Schaef and decided to read her book When Society Becomes An Addict.  Schaef is also stepping a long way back to identify a systemic culture she initially called by gender-related names and in this book calls the addictive system.  What fascinates me about this book is the link Schaef makes to the behaviours of the alcoholic.  These include such things as seeking to control, lying, denial and confusion.  And this makes sense to me both as cause and effect of living in what Wink’s calls the domination society.  For if you are seeking to dominate you are unlikely to say “I’m telling you that I’m right and you are wrong because that gives me power over you and encourages you to comply” or “I am dismissing you or your ideas rather than look into them because I know my case is built on foundations that don’t stand up to close examination”.  Equally, if you are subject to domination by others you may well experience confusion when faced with the obfuscation of a dominant other (from parent to boss) and you may well lie in your attempts to protect yourself from the punishments that are built into the system.

What’s this got to do with leadership?  In truth, I hope this is readily apparent:  as leaders, we may choose to perpetuate the domination system or to create something different.  Goleman and his co-authors write about the impact of different leadership styles in their book The New Leaders.  Perhaps another way of looking at it is this:  Wink’s writing together with Wilson Schaef’s provide a context in which to read all sorts of writings about leadership.  If you like, a planet earth view.

PS  Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

    

Making the case for a “coaching culture” in your organisation

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Today a request (on the Training Journal Daily Digest) for input on how to make the case for creating a coaching culture moved me to write. The person making the request had been charged with making the case by her line manager after suggesting it would benefit her employing organisation. Given the level of experience (as best I could judge from a brief posting) I decided to go right back to the fundamentals. This is what I wrote:

There’s plenty I could say on this subject – creating a coaching culture across organisations (also known as a “high performance culture”) is close to my heart and to my professional interests. First though, I thought I’d suggest you get really clear about the outcomes you desire from preparing a business case – and also about the outcomes your manager wants from this activity.

I’m guessing there may be several, including:

  • Making and testing the case for going down this road, i.e. outlining what this might do for your organisation together with credible evidence to support your assertion and testing what it might take to achieve those outcomes. Together, this constitutes your compelling case;
  • Beginning the process of building support and commitment across the organisation for some kind of investment in this;
  • For your manager there may also be other elements which s/he may not express, such as letting you be the person who tests the idea and fails rather than taking on this risk or beginning to coach you in how to build the case and make it stick so that it turns into a viable proposal which achieves great results across the organisation.

These objectives are illustrative – and just to say that if you overlook any one of your key outcomes you may direct energies ineffectively as you set about making your case.

Shaping your leadership competencies

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What are the key issues that face organisations when they seek to put together competency models or frameworks in their organisations? This is a question that came up recently on the Training Journal Daily Digest.

I have masses of experience of shaping, implementing and using competency frameworks from the supplier side of the fence – anything from limited budget to £4bn research projects, anything from shaping the competencies based on research to using them to assess candidates for senior leadership roles. I took a moment to think about my top three issues and I thought I’d share them here:

  • The mother of all issues for me is this: if the behaviours described in your competency model do not predict the performance you require then why have one? Having a competency model which is not rooted in robust research could divert energy away from the behaviours that predict performance and even undermine performance;
  • In practice, a key issue for clients is about balancing their investment between shaping robust competency frameworks and implementing them. The best frameworks in the world are only of value when they are implemented effectively and a well-implemented framework is only of value if it predicts the performance you require (see first bullet). It helps to get clear up front about your reasons for creating a competency model or framework and also to think ahead to ways in which it might be used which are not currently on the agenda. This helps clients to shape an approach which best meets their current – and possible future – needs;
  • Practical experience also suggests that a key issue for clients is gaining buy-in. Whatever the size of a client’s investment in preparing a competency framework, it always helps to involve people who will ultimately be the end users in shaping the behaviours described. Buy-in also depends on the trust staff have in the accuracy and relevancy of the behaviours described (yes, back to bullet one) and in the ways they are used in practice (bullet two).

Of course, these bullets all imply the need to choose carefully the partner(s) with whom you work to research, design and implement your competency model or framework.

But then, I would say that, wouldn’t I.

Towards outstanding leadership

Developing as a leader,

If you’ve been reading my postings under the heading Leadership: more than skin deep, you may be wondering what to do next. Here are a few suggestions:

Whether you are reflecting on your own leadership or on leadership across your organisation, you may be wondering what it would take to develop the level of leadership that shows up in research as “outstanding”. Below I offer a few suggestions:

Taking stock: Why not take stock of where you are now? I have offered two sets of questions on my blog (http://dorothynesbit.blogspot.com) to help you take stock. One is for individual leaders and one is for readers who are taking a whole organisation view of leadership development. Alternatively, why not call me to arrange a coaching appointment? My contact details are below.

Choosing your leadership approach: Whether you are an individual leader or responsible for leadership across your organisation it’s possible that your leadership approach is shaped by accident and history as much as by conscious and informed choice. If so, why not take time to conduct some research of your own into different approaches to leadership to determine whether the approach you are pursuing will give you the results you want?

Get curious! I have offered a range of reading and other resources elsewhere on my blog, at http://dorothynesbit.blogspot.com. I invite you to get reading and to add your own recommendations to the blog using the facility to leave comments.

Share your views: I welcome your views. Please share your views and comments on the blog at http://dorothynesbit.blogspot.com where you’ll also find further information about my work with leaders and my wider interests.

Let’s talk: If you’d like to discuss how Learning for Life (Consulting) can help you and your organisation please contact me directly (via dorothy@learningforlifeconsulting.co.uk) to arrange to talk.

Leadership: more than skin deep (5 of 5)

Developing as a leader

What benefits could justify the level of investment needed?

Measuring the outcomes from your investment in leadership development requires a meticulous approach beginning from the planning stage. This is costly and is rarely done. Nevertheless, it is possible to observe the effects of outstanding leadership on organisations. These include:

Improved business outcomes: By definition, outstanding leadership delivers the holy grail of outcomes: improved business results. The potential is not only for some kind of percentage improvement but for a step difference in performance outcomes. These are the organisations that stand out in their field as unequalled, delivering a standard of excellence that sets the benchmark. What’s more, these are the organisations whose performance levels are sustainable because excellence is built in to what they do.

A culture that supports high performance: Outstanding leaders deliver improved performance outcomes by creating a culture and climate which support high performance. You can expect that improvements in leadership across your organisation will lead to increased staff engagement. Outstanding leaders attract outstanding staff to jobs to which they are well suited. These are staff who are ambitious to deliver and who continue to learn. They may not stay forever – some will move on to more senior jobs elsewhere. Still, whilst they are with you they will make a significant contribution to performance outcomes in your organisation.

Work as play: For the kind of staff I have described working in a culture and climate which supports high performance, work has the potential to become play. In the word of Kahlil Gibran, “work is love made manifest”. In these environments, the prevailing values and beliefs of staff create a highly supportive and trusting environment in which people collaborate willingly and with ease and in which the natural processes of work are filled with fun even whilst “delivering the goods”.

Health and well-being: The language of performance improvement can tend to gloss over the deeply personal experience of the individual at work. Improved leadership leads directly to a greatly improved personal (“human”) experience, including far greater personal fulfilment, health and well-being amongst leaders and their staff.