Category Archives: Alternative approaches

Picture this: on the way to a career that thrills

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Hurrah!  Finally, I have got around to having professional photos done for all the places my image appears nowadays – my website, blog, LinkedIn, Twitter – the list seems endless!  I shall be taking time to change my photos in the days and weeks to come, beginning right here on my blog.

I was fascinated by the story Tim Spiers told me about his career history.  Tim was my photographer, thanks to a tip from my friend and colleague in the profession, Anne Smith, who recommended him and with whom I shared a day at Tim’s studio in North London.  From a very young age – just 9 or 10 years old – Tim started cutting people’s hair.  This was something he put aside when he embarked on a course at Eastbourne College of Art and Design in Visual Communications, including photography, where his aim was to prepare himself for a life of doing fashion shoots.

Not everyone supported Tim’s aspirations – as is often the way – so, influenced by the doubts of others, he left his course early.  His father arranged an interview for him, telling him about a guy called Vidal Sassoon.  Tim quickly came to London to work with San Rizz, where he learnt to do people’s hair for photo shoots and also pop videos.  Later he moved into salon management.

Along the way, Tim was also interested in the work of make-up artists so, when he was invited to do a modelling project as part of his studies in NLP, he decided to find out how his colleagues did make up – spending time with the make-up artists he had worked with on modelling shoots and his colleagues in the salons he worked for and studying their approach.  At the same time, his NLP studies helped Tim to clarify his values and revisit some old beliefs, leading to a major shift in his sense of his own capability.  This was, essentially, an experience that empowered him.

When photography went digital, Tim did a photo shoot himself and had one of those “aha!” moments:  “what if I put all these skills together to offer hair, make-up and photography as a service?”  He set up his own business which has been growing at a significant rate.  If you take a look at Tim’s website you’ll see how he caters for a wide variety of clients.  If you’re looking for a good photographer, I can recommend Tim.  It wasn’t just the hair and make-up:  my sense of ease grew over the course of our time together and I was thrilled to come away with a number of options for my signature photo.

I tell Tim’s story (with his permission) for another reason:  it says so much about the journey towards a career that is fulfilling.  The seeds of such a career lie in the things we most love to do – acorns are at their best when they become oaks.  Along the way, we take steps away from as well as towards our most natural career path – often because we are influenced by fear and the doubts of others.  With hindsight, the path looks so clear and obvious and yet, along the way, it can be so messy.  Both the highs and the lows contribute to our ultimate success.  Moving towards our ultimate career takes courage and a willingness to take risks.

That’s enough for now.  As I sign off I leave you with just two photos from my day with Tim.  Please tell me what you think.

A reminder for you on your worst of bad days

Alternative approaches, Emotional Intelligence, , ,
Few people are one hundred percent winners or one hundred percent losers.
It’s a matter of degree.  However, once a person is on the road to becoming a winner,
his or her chances are even greater for becoming more so.

Born to Win
Muriel James and Dorothy Jongeward

There are days when everyone else seems to have it sussed.  Other people have got there, so why haven’t I?  If you add timescales (“other people have got there before me”) you have the killer equation for feeling really bad about yourself.

“There” might be a state of mind (“other people are more calm, relaxed, joyful”).  “There” might be some kind of skill, aptitude or personal quality (“other people are more emotionally intelligent, diligent, organised”) or even the sum of all the skills, aptitudes and qualities to which one aspires (“other people are so much more capable than I am”).  “There” might be some position – personal or professional – to which one aspires (“other people find partners and settle down”;  “other people get to be Director by my age” etc.).

This is the language of “winners” and “losers”.  Psychology – and especially the branch of psychology called Transactional Analysis – has long since identified this kind of thinking with all its permutations.  We might think “I’m OK, you’re not OK” and act from this position.  We might think “you’re OK, I’m not OK” and act from this position.  We might make the ultimate generalisation (“everyone’s OK, except me”) to make it especially tough to get out of bed in the morning.  It’s not that we live the whole of our lives from one place – though we may do.  Rather, at a particular point in time, we may unconsciously choose a position.

As a coach, I work with people who are choosing to become winners, even if they were not winners before.  Even so – perhaps especially so – the person who is dedicated to his or her learning may have days when all the learning he or she has done seems to amount to nothing.  How come, with all this learning, I am still struggling with the same old things?  I was reminded of this recently as I held a space for a client on just one such day.

There is of course, an assumption that lurks beneath such thinking.  It is the assumption we brought to our journey of learning – that once we had done our learning, everything would be OK.  We did not anticipate that part of our learning would be to discover that we continue to have good days and bad days, we continue to have areas which sit outside our comfort zone, we continue to have experiences which stimulated grief in us, or sadness, or anger, as well as those which stimulate joy, gratitude, delight.

In my own journey, I have been especially grateful for Muriel James’ and Dorothy Jongeward’s wonderful book Born to Win.  They begin their book, which draws both on Transactional Analysis and Gestalt, by providing a vivid and compelling description of what it means to be a winner and what it means to be a loser. Winners are those who successfully make the transition to become independent and then interdependent adults, choosing authenticity over putting on a performance, maintaining pretence or manipulating others.

Perhaps the most essential point in their description is this:  being a winner is not a “once and for all” thing, but an ongoing journey.  As much as we may have our bad days, winners are able to be present to their emotions, to welcome them even, and still to recognise them is what is, in this moment.  Winners get to choose how they respond to their emotions and winners choose responses that reinforce their overarching choice to choose to win.

I could say so much more and still, I choose to leave you with this simple question:  what choices are you making on your worst of bad days?

PS  Just to let you know, as a member of Amazon Associates UK, I shall receive a referral fee for any books you buy using the links in this posting.

Thinking of all the mirrors in my bedroom

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This morning I am thinking of all the mirrors in my bedroom.

Well, perhaps I should be more precise.  I am thinking of all the meta-mirrors in my bedroom.  The meta-mirror is a technique from neuro-linguistic programming (or NLP) which helps people to transform negative feelings towards another person and to take the learning from a situation that will help to release feelings of anger, frustration and more.  As a technique, it’s easy to learn and easy to apply.

NLP often uses physical space in the process of making mental distinctions and the meta-mirror is no exception.  This is why I think of my bedroom when I think of the meta-mirror.  It’s not only that I like to use this ample space when I want to process some feelings I have about a person or situation.  It’s also that on the rare occasions when I am feeling angry or frustrated, it makes sense to do this processing before I go to bed in order to be able to get a good night’s sleep.

Over time, using this technique seems to build in a muscle that is pre-emptive.  The anger and frustration is less right from the beginning because the ways of thinking that produce it are changing.  There’s no “sainthood” involved – just an ongoing process of learning.

Over the years I have taught this technique in various settings and found it invaluable.  I still remember teaching it to a group of headteachers as part of a training in coaching skills.  I like to demonstrate it before having participants try it out themselves.  Later, the headteacher who had been my demo subject on that day told me the experience had changed his life.

Championing your inner parts

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Have you noticed how, when you are in conflict with yourself, there’s a part of you you champion and a part of you you like to tell to p*ss off?  Which part you champion depends on the values you espouse and still, you are unusual if you champion yourself in the full glory of all your parts.  So, a part of you basks in the light of your approval whilst another part of you prowls around in the shadows.  And guess what, it is rarely the part you champion that “wins”.

The result can be a kind of inner stasis, even whilst you are seeking to move forward.  You want to write that proposal or to phone that client or to stop eating chocolate or… or… or…  And yet, somehow, when it comes to the crunch, you are guided by the part of you you most condemn.

Some thinkers view these “shadow” parts as gremlins to be conquered – overcome by force in order to make way for those parts we most favour.  I prefer to view them differently.  For each part has a positive intention even if the means by which that intention is made manifest is unhelpful at this stage of our lives.  When we respond to the different parts of ourselves we can afford to champion them all, to take time to ask “what is it that you really want for me?” and to thank each part for acting as the guardian of this positive intention.  Only from this position of embracing our different parts can we begin the journey towards finding new ways to fulfill old intentions.

In case you want to take a new approach and to connect with your parts in conflict, here are some steps you can take to get started:

  • Start by saying hello to each part in turn.  You may be surprised and still, they will answer back;
  • Let them know that you’d like to spend some time with each part in turn and ask them, will they let you do this without interrupting each other?  If you get a “no” you might like to ask what’s needed before each part feels comfortable to give the other space;
  • Take time with each part in turn – how about five minutes with one and then a break before five minutes with another?  Let each part know that you trust that it has positive intentions and be honest with either part if you have not understood what its intentions are.  If you don’t know, ask!
  • You might like to take time every day for this over several days.  Notice how open you are to hearing what each part wants for you;
  • Say “thank you” to each part for his or her good intentions for you.  When you can say thank you with full sincerity you are ready to be the champion of your inner parts, just as they have been seeking to champion you.  And guess what!  Since each part is just that – a part of you – you are, in this way, championing yourself.

As a footnote, I would add that whilst you may value the intentions each part has for you, you may find its way of fulfilling its intentions highly frustrating.  At the same time, if you want to agree new ways to fulfill those intentions, you will need to do this from a place of mutual respect and appreciation – that’s between you and your different parts.

From the stable of NLP: “parts integration”

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Jamais deux sans trois, as the French would say.  It seems to me that all my clients are bringing inner conflict to our coaching right now.  This is hardly surprising since we all, at times, experience the inner voices that seem to be in conflict with each other.  The clues are in our language (“on the one hand… and on the other hand…”), in the way we feel (typically, torn) and in our vision of two diametrically opposed options.

The manifestation of these parts is diverse.  For one person it is the part that wants to earn masses of money versus the part for whom money is just not important.  For another person it is the part that wants to stay in a job even though it’s desperately dull versus the part that wants to say “to hell with it” and leave in search of something more exciting.  For a third person it is the part that wants to share just how much she loves her new partner versus the part that wants to take things one step at a time.  Even as I write I wonder if, at root, our conflict is between the part of us that wants to keep us safe and the part of us that seeks adventure – maybe even to pursue our true calling.

Beneath this inner conflict lie assumptions that are untested or which may be understood at some cognitive level and which have not yet been understood or integrated into our bodies or way of being.  The mother of all assumptions is, of course, that the causes that our inner voices are championing are mutually exclusive.  It’s not unusual for people to recognise and celebrate one part of themselves whilst seeking to repress the other part – and guess what, the part we are least inclined to sponsor always finds a way to express itself, to hold sway.

It’s not often, as a coach, that I offer to step away from pure coaching to provide an intervention from the set pieces of neurolinguistic programming (or NLP).  At the same time, I recognise the elegance of NLP’s “parts integration”, which facilitates a dialogue between inner parts in conflict, helping each part to hear the aims of the other and helping both parts to come together to collaborate in meeting aims which were seen as mutually exclusive and are now understood to be perfectly compatible.

In truth, this integration of our inner parts is an ongoing journey rather than a one-off event.  It is part of a journey towards self-acceptance and it is significant as a contribution to our inner peace as well as to creating lives that are productive and fulfilling.

If you want to learn more, keep an eye on this blog – I sense this is a topic to which I shall return.  If you want to experience the NLP “parts integration”, seek out an NLP Practitioner to support you.

NVC and the Skilled Facilitator Approach

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This posting is for those people in my network who are interested in Marshall Rosenberg’s work in the area of nonviolent communication and/or Roger Schwarz’s Skilled Facilitator Approach (SFA). How do they compare? And because this is a blog posting rather than a full article I’m sharing – for now at least – my first impressions.

Let’s start with values. A core value amongst practitioners of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is compassion. As it happens, compassion is also a core value of the Skilled Facilitator Approach – amongst others. As I look down the list of values on my SFA card – transparency, curiosity, accountability, informed choice, compassion – I wonder whether the Skilled Facilitator Approach doesn’t make explicit some of the values implicit in NVC. None of them seem at odds.

In the Skilled Facilitator Approach, the mutual learning cycle begins with something which is also at the heart of NVC – making an observation. In NVC this may be noticing your own thoughts and actions or noticing someone else’s. It may also be noticing the voice with which you are speaking – with compassion (called speaking in giraffe) or from a place of non-compassion or anger (speaking in jackal).

There are some similarities here and some differences between NVC and the Skilled Facilitator Approach. In NVC our attention is on the needs we have or the needs we think the other person is expressing, together with the feelings that give rise to those needs. In the Skilled Facilitator Approach, the same focus is reflected in a rule: focus on interests, not positions. At the same time, the Skilled Facilitator Approach places a great deal of emphasis on checking our observations (“I think I heard you say…”) and our inferences (“I’m thinking you might be thinking… What do you think?”) This seems to me to be at odds with the view held by Marshall that to focus on thinking can get in the way of understanding needs. Whilst the goal of each approach is the same, the route seems to be different.

There’s a rule in the Skilled Facilitator Approach that seems to me to add something to the practices of Nonviolent Communication: explain reasoning and intent. According to this rule, you might add to a question an explanation (“the reason I’m asking is…”). In NVC, we share the needs that might be met when we make a request – again, a different route to the same end – so I wonder what it is this different approach adds. Perhaps it’s a different way of expressing the same thing – and perhaps it’s the language in which an intention is expressed. Sometimes in NVC the language of needs can be a barrier to easy understanding because it is so foreign in our wider culture.

I notice that I could go on – making comparisons – and yet the more I do the more I encounter a challenge. For it seems that for every aspect I identify of the Skilled Facilitator Approach I find an equivalent in NVC. For now, I am left with a belief that engaging with both approaches is adding each to the other and yet, I don’t know what.

I wonder if you, my reader, have thoughts? If you do, I’d be glad to hear them.

The Skilled Facilitator Approach on LinkedIn

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Sometimes in the world of deep learning it’s possible to feel quite lonely. For as much as some people appreciate those people who, by their learning, lead the way towards approaches that are as yet scarcely known, others can find them irksome and over analytical. On the surface it’s hard to argue with the Skilled Facilitator Approach – I doubt that many people would find much to contradict in its underlying values and ground rules. Still, this does not mean that many people put it into practice.

For this reason, when I feed back to members of the Training Journal Daily Digest, I am thrilled to hear from someone whose company has been working with Roger to increase their effectiveness using the Skilled Facilitator Approach – and I wonder who else is out there. I check on LinkedIn to see if there is a group and, finding none, decide to set one up.

This requires some thought about how to describe the group and I go to Roger’s website for inspiration. This is the description I come up with:

Are you learning to apply the Skilled Facilitator Approach in your personal and professional life? This group is a place where you can discuss this approach, seek help and share your experiences.

The Skilled Facilitator approach is an approach to effective human interaction – an approach Roger Schwarz and his colleagues have been developing since 1980 when Roger began teaching facilitation skills.

You can learn more by visiting Roger’s website at http://www.schwarzassociates.com

The Skilled Facilitator Approach – first steps to learning

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I’ve already mentioned in my postings this week that I have found Roger Schwarz’s book, The Skilled Facilitator: A Comprehensive Resource for Consultants, Facilitators, Managers, Trainers and Coaches, just a tad unwieldy. So I thought it might be worth mentioning a few alternatives – for anyone who’s interested in a starter before going on to the main course.

Of course, Roger’s website is a great place to go. The website offers the full range of information you might expect from an organisation with expertise to sell, including a free monthly newsletter.

One article is available which gives a succinct introduction to the Skilled Facilitator Approach. It’s called Ground Rules for Effective Groups and is in its third edition.

Mmm… and maybe I should take care not to put you off Roger’s book. This is also available via his website.

The Skilled Facilitator Approach – a vehicle for holding courageous conversations

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Sitting at my desk preparing to write about my week with Roger Schwarz and his colleagues in December I look down at the card we all received as part of our training. The two-sided laminated card offers a reminder of the core values which guide Roger’s approach, the ground rules and the six steps of the mutual learning cycle.

Perhaps there’s no surprise that this approach touched me deeply. At one level, with its focus on effective communication, the Skilled Facilitator Approach is a business tool, available for use by facilitators, managers, coaches, trainers… the list could go on. Somehow, we have depersonalised communication in the business world and yet it’s deeply personal – we may be part of the business machine and still we are real people, with thoughts, feelings, emotions. The Skilled Facilitator Approach invites us to engage deeply with them in service of our communication with others.

What is the appeal to me? Firstly, with so much research on what it takes to be a great leader, parent, teacher (McGregor’s X and Y theory springs to mind) it can seem strange that we live in a world in which the learnings have not been applied. It seems to me that the Skilled Facilitator Approach maps out in very practical ways what it means to embody this theory. I am particularly drawn to an approach which is grounded in a clear set of values and assumptions (and I recognise how much they reflect my own aspirations). Perhaps at root, this approach has a deep appeal to me with my preference for holding real and courageous conversations.

Now, I set out to write about the training itself and I recognise that I have not done this. Still, I want to express my gratitude to Roger Schwarz, to Matt Beane and to Annie Bentz for embodying this approach in their training with us. For this is a rare sight – the espoused theory in practice. And I know it is borne of an ongoing commitment which few people demonstrate in their lives to put into practice a set of values, rules and behaviours. Roger, Matt and Annie, I thank you all.

Roger Schwarz and the Skilled Facilitator Approach

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Over the years, I’ve found that my learning needs have been met as much by synchronicity as by diligent research. My introduction to Roger Schwarz and the Skilled Facilitator Approach has been no exception.

As it happens, the friend who introduced me to the Skilled Facilitator Approach is also the friend who introduced me to Marshall Rosenberg’s work in the field of Nonviolent Communication – Aled Davies, Director of Resolve (GB). I remember how, in 2003, Aled thrust Marshall’s book into my hands and said “you must read this!” More recently, Aled has told me about his interest in the work of Roger Schwarz, author of The Skilled Facilitator Approach. I took Aled’s choice, in 2008, to fly to the US to train with Roger as a measure of the value he placed on Roger’s work. In the months running up to Christmas Aled has been planning a programme in London – Roger’s first public programme in Europe.

Now, let’s be clear. Roger’s book is rather fat and unwieldy. I’ve been reading it – slowly. At the same time, I was keen to support Aled in publicising Roger’s visit. So I asked Aled if he would run an evening workshop to which I could invite members of my network. I was thrilled when Aled said yes. I didn’t anticipate that I would come away from the workshop and sign up for Roger’s programme in December. And I didn’t anticipate just how deeply Roger’s work – and presence – and that of his colleagues would touch me.

Perhaps that’s for another posting. For now, it’s enough to say that this is how I spent the week beginning 7th December 2009. And this was, for sure, a week to remember.