All posts by Dorothy Nesbit

Accounting for your leadership style

Developing as a leader, , ,

Arundhati Roy was surely onto the source of all joys when she named her novel (itself a thing of beauty and joy) The God of Small Things. I know I am attuned to this god when the world offers me the opportunity (as it has done in recent days) to rejoice in the small and simple things in life and when, taking that opportunity, I feel both joy and peace.

Recently, I had one such “small” joy. This took place when one of my university colleagues read about my blog in our college review and was moved to take a look and then to drop me a line. I have been enjoying our correspondence, knowing instinctively that we had and still have the potential to enrich each others’ lives.

Last week I came home after running a training for clients in how to interview leaders using a competency-based approach, only to find she had sent me an intriguing question. With her permission I am sharing it with you. She said:

I have an interview in a few weeks and will likely be asked about my style as a leader!! If one isn’t a natural leader but ain’t bad at it, how does one convincingly convey this?! Is it reasonable to say I have observed other leaders I admire and have taken on attributes I feel comfortable with?

This description reminds me of many professionals who progress to take on leadership roles to which they were not initially attracted. Seeking to adapt to the role, some of them will struggle to get excited about work whose results are measured in terms of the work of a wider team – for isn’t “work” something you do yourself? For some, time spent building relationships, managing staff etc. is perceived as time wasted – a distraction from the work itself. Recognising that when you are a leader engaging others is the work itself can constitute a big shift.

It strikes me that my friend is on the right track. Whilst the “born or made” debate continues, it’s often true that we model our leadership style on those whose leadership we admire and seek to adapt it so that we are both effective (maybe even inspiring) leaders and also remain true to ourselves. I am reminded of Daniel Goleman’s book The New Leaders which is so effective in bringing some solid research to a wider audience. What key points might I want to share with my friend ahead of her interview? They include:

  • Research shows leaders use a range of different leadership styles and that each style can be predicted to have a different outcome;
  • Some of these styles build motivation and engagement. They get the best out of people over time. Goleman describes these as “resonant” and identifies them as the visionary, coaching, affiliative and democratic styles;
  • Some of them (coercive/commanding, pace-setting) have their place but need to be used sparingly. Otherwise they tend to reduce engagement and motivation and undermine performance. Goleman describes them as “dissonant” styles;
  • Each style has a place! Knowing when to use which style and being able to adapt one’s style to fit the situation is what makes a truly great leader.

Knowing which style to use when requires both insight and flexibility: the most effective leaders have a command of the full range of styles and know when to use them. Sometimes these are the men and women who seem never to have reflected on leadership but rather to have an instinctive grasp of what’s needed. More often, truly great leaders are great because, over time, they have paid attention to what works and what doesn’t work and, in this way, developed a level of mastery in their leadership.

So, as my friend prepares for her interview I wonder what it means to say one “ain’t bad” at leadership. Teasing this out ahead of time could be valuable interview preparation.

Making friends with power

Coaching, Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence, , , ,

It’s a funny thing, power. David McClelland, in his extensive study of human motivation (summarised in the book of the same name) identified power as one of three primary areas of unconscious motivation.

Mention power in many circles, even circles of power and influence, and you’ll find, frankly, that it gets a bad press. It’s easy to see why this might be true, when we have such a long history in the human race of exercising power over others in ways which meet the needs of one person or group at the expense of the needs of another.

Through my studies of nonviolent communication, I have come to a different understanding of power. For whilst we can exercise power over others we can also exercise power with others. We do this when we act from the belief that our needs – everybody’s needs – are important. This belief provides a basis for seeking to find ways to connect with, honour and meet our needs. This same belief provides a basis for helping others to do the same.

A first step on the road to nonviolence is to fully inhabit our own needs – to connect with them, bathe in them, experience the living energy of those needs. Perhaps it’s worth highlighting that when we are truly connected to our needs our primary focus is on our needs. The question of how we might meet them and who might help us in this endeavour becomes secondary. There are so many ways in which different needs can be met.

Now, in my work as a consultant and, more recently, in my work as a coach, I have for some years been helping leaders as they grapple with questions of power. Still, ten days after spending a day with consultant and NVC trainer Gina Lawrie, something she said and has said before is landing with me with a new energy and I recognise just how much I want to embrace the power of my needs fully and in this way to inhabit and live from my full power. Only days after sharing my values on my blog I realise it’s time to revise them and add another. I’m not yet sure I have the words right and still they are good enough for now. I decide that one of my values, a way of honouring and serving life is:

Fully inhabiting and living from my power.

When it’s time to follow your bliss

Alternative approaches, Coaching, Emotional Intelligence, , ,
The power of coaching lies in its invitation to become increasingly conscious of the dreams we hold for our life and to take steps towards the fulfilment of these dreams. Joseph Campbell, author of The Hero With A Thousand Faces and The Power Of Myth, describes the choice to pursue this journey as “following your bliss”. Because coaching sponsors this journey, whether clients are working with “life”, “executive” or any other coaches, they usually report high levels of satisfaction with their experience of coaching.
This is not to suggest that the road we travel when we act to create the life of our dreams is always easy. Often, clients come up against barriers to progress and need to find ways to engage with these barriers and to overcome them. The most insidious of these are clients’ (often hidden) limiting beliefs. Do I have the resources I need to create the life I dream of? Will my loved ones support me – continue to love me, even – if I pursue my dreams? How will people respond if I fail? Will my gain be at others’ expense? The list goes on and on. Perhaps the mother of all hidden beliefs – the belief that underlies the myriad questions we ask ourselves – is the belief that it’s somehow not OK to live the life of our choosing; the belief, if you like, that it is not our lot to be happy and fulfilled in life.
Today I am reminded of this in my work with one of my coaching clients and I promise to pop a quote onto my blog. The quote is from a book by Michael Berg called The Secret: Unlocking The Source Of Joy And Fulfilment. Michael’s family is prominent in sharing the teachings of Kabbalah. Whilst I am not a student of Kabbalah, my precious friend Rob is. As a result of our sharing over time, I was delighted to read Michael Berg’s tiny book and the quote I share below jumped out at me. I dedicate it to my coaching clients and their various journeys:
One of these lessons needs to be introduced now, for it’s the foundation of everything that follows. This lesson can be expressed in few words: Our true destiny is not the pain and suffering that can seem so pervasive in the world but a joy and fulfilment beyond imagining.
I wonder, what new doors would open up for us all if we were guided in our lives by this belief?

Are we ready for Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional Intelligence,

Every now and then I have what one might call a “mad day”. Today I am experiencing the knock-on effect of one such day, for yesterday I rose at 5.30am and today I am feeling gently tired.

I started the day by listening to Guy Claxton as he addressed the Talent Foundation to talk about matters of education following the publication of his most recent book, What’s the Point of School? Rediscovering The Heart of Education. From there I went on to join Gina Lawrie and her colleagues from Helix Consulting at a workshop in which we explored practical ways to help workplace groups to develop as dynamic, functional emotionally intelligent teams. And then on to hear Lone Franks speak at the RSA following the publication of her book, Mindfield: How Brain Science is Changing Our World, about recent discoveries about the brain and its functioning and the about implications of this growing body of knowledge.

What did I take from my day? Listening to Guy Claxton speak and to our post-talk discussions I was struck, once again, by the disparities between what we measure in our students and what we know to be important. In the workplace, we have come to accept the central role that an individual’s emotional intelligence plays in his or her success at work. In schools we have come to recognise a body of personal characteristics, beginning with the natural curiosity children bring, and their impact on learning and learning outcomes. How is it that, with such knowledge, we do so little to assess and encourage these characteristics and may even seem intent on discouraging them in our school-age children? I confess, I am curious about the role our government plays in this and how our ministers can ignore so much of what research tells us and still wonder why we are not more entrepreneurial as a nation.

With so much to say in her talk, Lone Franks’ evening presentation leaves me to ponder further. For doesn’t the work of our neuroscientists reinforce what we already know by observation about what it takes for people to be happy, successful, and… and… and… And doesn’t this in turn reinforce the gaps between what we know and apply in practice?

In my own work, I continue to enjoy assessing candidates for senior leadership roles, not least because the candidates for such roles are often able and inspiring. These competency-based assessments are focussed on the emotional intelligence of those I assess. My work as a coach is also focused on supporting senior leaders as they develop their leadership and emotional intelligence. You could say, as they explore how to be both authentic and effective in the workplace. And yet, somehow, whilst we understand the importance of emotional intelligence in the workplace, it seems that we still do our best to contain the implications of our understanding.

Working with Gina and her colleagues during the day serves to remind me just how much we can do to develop our emotional intelligence as individuals and teams and yet it’s rare to have the opportunity to work with teams in the depth I am able to work with individual clients. I wonder, are we ready to grapple with the full implications of what we know?

And I notice how much I relish this prospect. I am open for business. And delighted to be open for the business of emotional intelligence.

Referrals – meeting new clients with joy

Coaching, ,

When I started my business in 2002 I was confident of what I could offer and at the same time lacking in confidence – anxious even – in my ability to get out there and find clients. I still see this as an area of growth and opportunity for me. This is about learning how to let the world know what I can offer in ways which allow my perfect clients to find me.

Who are my perfect clients? I am making a mental note to write about this soon. Today though, I simply want to celebrate the experience I often have of receiving client referrals – this, together with repeat business, has been my main source of business during the last seven years.

One new client perfectly illustrates the synchronicity of such referrals – if you like, the way the universe conspires to support me. It’s getting on for two years since, waiting for a takeaway at the Spice of Life Indian restaurant in Lewisham, I got into conversation with a fellow customer. “What do you do for a living?” he asked and I told him about my work as a coach. He told me his wife was looking to train as a coach and asked if I would be willing to speak with her. I was delighted to help her and have appreciated getting to know her, sharing progress with her and enjoying our spirit of mutual support.

Recently she asked me if I would be willing to speak with a dear friend of hers who is in the midst of exploring next steps in her own journey. I was glad to speak with her and delighted – having explored with her all sorts of possibilities and options – to agree to become her coach. Yesterday I sent her her preparatory papers – a pre-coaching questionnaire and coaching agreement – and I’m looking forward to beginning our work together next month.

Not all referrals lead to the same outcome. Sometimes there’s a good match between what I can offer and the support that is most timely for an individual or an organisation. Sometimes there is a good personal match or “chemistry”. Sometimes there isn’t. What I do notice is the high levels of trust that often follow when a potential client is introduced to me by someone we both trust. This is a great gift at the beginning of a coaching or other working partnership. Before pressing the button that says “publish post” I take a moment to celebrate my new client and our high levels of trust as we begin our work together.

Sharing my values

Coaching

I promised to share my values and this morning, as I write, I am wondering whether to simply share them or to add some commentary. For the time being, I have decided to share them as they are and without comment. I wonder whether or not I shall feel moved to say more in a future posting. And if you have questions, will you post them on this blog?

Honouring and Serving Life

Nurturing and living from a deep sense of connection with life and the universe

Stepping forward with courage as an adventurer and explorer on life’s journey

Acting from my true sense of purpose and in ways which serve and enhance life

Living with joy in the abundance of life

Being Myself

Nurturing and living from a deep sense of authenticity and congruence

Being always true to my values

Speaking my truth with courage and letting others own their responses

Being independently responsible for my choices, whatever their consequences

Doing well those things I choose to do

Bringing my qualities of warmth, humour, fun and laughter into the sunlight

Nurturing Healthy Relationships with Myself and Others

Nurturing and living from a place of love: for myself, for others

Nurturing my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health

Being always present to my own and others’ larger selves

Nurturing my own and others’ learning, growth and development

Consciously choosing and nurturing healthy “win, win” relationships

Sharing my personal mission statement

Coaching, ,

When I started working with Lynne, my coach, in 2005, I undertook to create an explicit statement of my values. It was not the first time I had explored what was important to me in my life, though it was the first time I had explored my values quite so fully and thoroughly. Every now and then I change a word here or there as I did recently. And still, I find that each change reinforces my original statement.

It was a couple of years later that a penny dropped for me as I realised that my values were pointing to an overall mission for my life. Capturing this mission in words has provided a clear guiding principle for me which is at once so simple and – for me, at least – profound. My mission is: to fall ever more deeply in love with my life.

What does this statement imply? As I write this morning I ponder this. The first thing that springs to mind is a quote of unknown origin, that “life is the sum of all our choices”. This mission guides me to make choices which bring me joy, and this in turn is a reminder that I do have choices. So, this is a statement which invites me to take responsibility for my life and to make it a life that I can, increasingly, enjoy.

This, in turn, implies for me that my life can be a matter of joy and that this is OK. I remember meeting a man who, after a successful corporate career, started to work for a not-for-profit organisation which was close to his heart. He was almost looking over his shoulder when he said to me that he wasn’t sure it was OK to enjoy himself as much as he was in his new career. I do wonder how much we come to believe that pain and suffering is our lot. For my part, I have chosen to embrace a different path and to create a life of joy and fulfilment.

To live in joy implies being connected to my own responses. For how can I know what brings me joy, if I am not able to sense my responses to my experiences? So, as I travel this path, I am becoming more and more attuned to my emotions and to the feedback my body gives me. I have found that this alone is not enough. For responding to such feedback requires skillful means. For this reason I have embraced learning as a core value. Attending to my responses and employing skillful means to choose my reactions help me to take steps on an ongoing basis towards I life I can truly love.

There is of course, one thing I have to be able to square in order to feel good about treading this path, living as I do in a world in which judgement (or ‘criticism’) is encouraged. Is it not utterly selfish to live in this way? As a student of nonviolent communication I have come to learn how much it matters to me to contribute to others and this is part of what gives me joy, especially when I can contribute from a place of willingness rather from a sense of obligation; especially when I give of the best of myself, rather than seek to muster a contribution which is somehow at odds with who I am and what I have to give.

There is so much more I can say. I am moved to add one last thing. This is about trends – about the overall trend in my life towards living in a way which brings me joy. To live my life in this way means that there is one thing I am able to offer to those who are seeking a different way of being in the world and doubting that it’s possible to be happy in this life. This is, of course, the conviction, borne of experience, that it is.

When it’s time to go public

Coaching,

Twenty-four hours after returning from Vicky Peirce’s NVC Barn (see www.cometolife.org) I notice I have come to a different place within myself. As I reconnect with my life and work I recognise that my time away has given me a space in which to connect more fully and deeply with who I am and with what matters to me.

It’s not that the connection was not there. Rather, my time at The Barn provided a space in which it could flourish and blossom. I come back with an awareness of my personal and professional yearnings. I come back present to my dreams and plans. I come back brimming with ideas. I come back aware of the extent to which I am already on track. I am full of celebrations.

Speaking with Lynne, my coach, as I do most weeks on a Monday afternoon, I have a thought which surprises me. It is one of those thoughts that has crept up behind me so that, by the time I am aware of its presence, it is fully formed and well and truly alive. It is beckoning me with great confidence even whilst some part of me is taking a while to catch up. It is the thought that it’s time to “go public” with some of my most sacred home truths. I think of my personal mission statement. I think of my personal values. I make a commitment to share my mission and values on my blog in the coming days.

And almost as soon as I make this commitment, I suddenly notice that I have a surge of energy as I think of those people – men and women – with whom I love to work in coaching partnership. Some pennies are dropping for me and it’s time to share my thoughts about this, too. Perhaps I have a busy week ahead!

And isn’t it curious that I am so alive – motivated, creative, in the flow – in the week of my birthday? This, too, I celebrate.

We come as we are

All articles

I am newly returned from The Barn, where I have been spending five days as one of a group of people who all have an interest in Nonviolent Communication (NVC). Vicky Peirce, our host, defines Nonviolent Communication in the following way on her website (at www.cometolife.org):

NVC (Nonviolent, Compassionate or Peaceful Communication) is a simple, yet profound and enjoyable process which teaches and encourages us to speak and listen to each other without blame, judgement, criticism or guilt. Over time, it can break patterns of thinking that cause pain and conflict for ourselves and others and open our hearts to mutual respect, acceptance and understanding.

To live in this way is not without challenges – not least the challenge of putting aside the ways of thinking in which we have been educated and amongst which we live in order to live from a place of acceptance and understanding. Five days at the Barn is an excellent opportunity to build this muscle of compassion – for ourselves, for others – and I come away with a deep sense of inner peace.

As I reflect, the thought that is uppermost within me is that, at any time, we come as we are. We do the best we know how in every moment and with whatever skills and resources we can muster. Of course, as Goleman has so clearly highlighted in his writings on emotional intelligence, we are vulnerable to what he calls the amygdala hijack – the moment when some comment or event triggers pain that is already within us and prompts an immediate and oftentimes ineffective response. NVC provides the tools to handle our own moments of pain as well as to meet others with compassion.

More than this, I notice that the more I am living from a place of compassion, the more I am able to meet my own needs at such moments. What’s more, the more my own needs are met – if you like, the more my own cup is full – the more I am able to bring love and compassion to my dealings with others. From this place, it matters not that others around me may bring blame and judgement, nor that they may lack skill or compassion. For I am able to be compassionate with myself and to be present to others – no matter what.

I am grateful for the experience I have had with its many, many gifts. I am grateful to Vicky for providing this space of learning, fun and nurture. I am grateful to my fellow group members for more acts of kindness than I can possibly list. I am restored – and ready for bed.

When Fish Fly

Developing as a leader, ,

I am ‘in haste’ this afternoon. It’s not just that I’m away next week. In addition, I shall be leaving for Rugby in about half an hour, where I shall be leading two masterclasses in leadership tomorrow.

As I pack I listen to Kevin Gray reading When Fish Fly: Lessons for Creating a Vital and Energised Workplace. This is essentially John Yokoyama’s story of how he turned his failing Seattle fish stall into the World Famous Pike Place Fish Market. When Fish Fly is one of the resources I have recommended for the leaders with whom I shall be working tomorrow. With only ninety minutes per session, I am confident that participants are likely to go away with as many questions as answers and I want to provide some options for them for further exploration.

My listening helps me to engage ahead of time with the ground I want to cover. It is full of stories that inspire me. It reminds me of what it takes to lead one’s life from a place of choosing as much as it does of what it takes to lead and engage others. And of course, there are no surprises here – isn’t it true that leadership, like charity, begins at home?

In addition, participants have returned preparatory questionnaires and I am looking forward to reading them in the quiet seclusion of my hotel room this evening. This will help me to connect ahead of time with members of the group.

As I complete my posting I give thanks that I am able to earn my living in this way.