All posts by Dorothy Nesbit

Responding to anger: getting ready to reach out

Emotional Intelligence, ,

The “meta-mirror”, a tool from the kitbag of neuro-linguistic programming, is a powerful way to explore a difficult relationship in the privacy of a quiet space. The emphasis is on one’s own learning. After all, as hard as it is, we can’t do other’s learning for them.

I have already been reflecting on a conversation with a colleague at a time when he was feeling anger in response to something I had done. I know that there’s something that I’m needing still before I either go back to my colleague or choose to walk away.

The first step in the meta-mirror is to step firmly into one’s own shoes and to express whatever comes up in relation to another person. I am surprised when the first thing that comes up is a sense of anger that my colleague spoke to me in the way he did, knowing that he has the tools to own his anger and even to transform it. I thought I had left this anger behind.

I am also surprised to learn something else – that just a fraction below the surface I am “beating myself up” about my own contribution to this conversation. It seems I would like to have handled this conversation with a level of grace I didn’t manage to call on at the time. There’s something else, too – I realise I’m not quite ready openly to say “I won’t speak with you as long as you talk to me in this way. Come back when you’re ready to take responsibility for your anger”. Perhaps, in the language of my colleagues these are my own “needs behind the need” – the things I’m hiding from by holding on to my anger.

With this recognition, I can feel my anger slipping away and a sense of compassion – for myself, for my colleague – emerging. I wonder if he, too, has been beating himself up since we spoke.

With this renewed sense of compassion I complete the meta-mirror process, stepping into my colleague’s shoes before stepping back to observe myself from a distance (“How does this you here respond to that you there?”). It seems I have already found the compassion I was missing – for myself, for my colleague.

It’s not that I have changed my mind about the way my colleague spoke to me. I haven’t. Still, I am ready to speak to him to see if he, too, wants to connect so that we can reach a place of mutual understanding.

I am not wedded to any particular outcome – just ready to initiate the conversation.

Responding to anger: connecting with my colleague’s unmet needs

Emotional Intelligence, ,

In the process of reviewing my experience – of talking with a colleague at a time when he was feeling anger in response to something I had done – it’s important to me to understand the needs of my colleague as well as my own.

As I review my experience of our conversation, I recognise that I know what actions I took that stimulated anger in him and I know that they did indeed stimulate anger in him and still, I don’t understand why. My colleague gave me an explanation which I didn’t truly understand. They were not actions that, if anyone had else had taken them, were likely to stimulate a similar response in me.

This is not to dismiss the experience of my colleague. Rather, simply, I recognise that I didn’t take the information from our conversation that would help me truly to connect with him or to understand his needs. I notice that without this depth of understanding I feel unable to respond to his needs from the place I treasure so much and aspire to right now – a place of empathy and compassion.

I am curious, too, about some of the comments my colleagues have made to me. They have reminded me of something that I already know – that as well as the needs which my colleague has sought openly to address in our conversation there may be other needs which he sought to meet in our conversation by holding onto his anger and the thinking that lies beneath his anger. One colleague described these as “the needs behind the need”. I can only guess what these needs might be.

Even as I write I recognise one implication for me – and for our relationship with each other – of this lack of shared and mutual empathy and understanding. For when there is a conflict or misunderstanding there is also an opportunity for learning, healing and resolution. This takes place when both parties can fully understand each other’s needs, can understand the impact each of their own behaviour on each other’s needs, and can honestly and sincerely express regret for any behaviours they wish they had not taken and commit to do something different in future. I don’t have any sense of regret at this stage for anything I have done though I might do with a deeper understanding of my colleague’s needs. Nor has my colleague expressed any regret for his behaviour though I hope that he, too, might do so from a place of greater understanding.

I wonder, what next? And I decide to take a next step. It is a step of inner dialogue with both myself and my colleague, using an approach from the “kitbag” of Neurolinguistic Programming – the meta-mirror.

Responding to anger: connecting with my unmet needs

Emotional Intelligence,

Taking time to review my experience – of talking with a colleague at a time when he was feeling anger in response to something I had done – I recognise how little my needs were met during our conversation.

Connecting with my needs, rather than focusing on the actions my colleague took which stimulated anger in me, is a way to transform my anger. By transforming my anger I have a better chance to meet my needs. These include my deep need to live my life in alignment with my chosen values, including my values of nonviolence. Choosing to transform my anger into a deeper understanding of my needs is one process offered by Marshall Rosenberg in the process he calls Nonviolent Communication (or NVC).

It’s easy to see that the exchange we had did not meet many needs that I have in relationships. It has been my choice over time to seek out those people – friends, family, colleagues, clients – with whom a quality of communication is possible which contributes equally and effectively to the well-being of everyone involved. At best these relationships are rooted in a deep sense of mutual respect and affection. At best they honour each person’s needs fully and equally.

I recognise how much this is a matter of intention for me. I want to attract those people into my life who share my intention to create nonviolent, mutually enriching “win, win” relationships and who choose to invest in the fulfilment of this intention. In practice, I have discovered that they do this both by developing what one colleague refers to as the “skilful means” needed to translate this intention into practice and by choosing to deploy them.

It would be easy to conclude that my needs are better met in other relationships and to walk away – at least in theory. Still, recognising my needs does not in itself give me a sense of closure. I wonder if this is because I also have a need to contribute to the well-being and learning of others, in this case my colleague. It’s not just that I feel some disappointment that our conversation was not in itself more enriching for my colleague. I also have a sense that to walk away would not meet my need to contribute. At least at first glance, it seems I have conflicting needs. I know I need to reconcile these if I am to find my way forward. I sense that there’s something here that I have not yet seen – something that is at my growing edge.

Perhaps there’s another, related, question. What are the needs of my colleague? What needs was he seeking to meet when he picked up the phone and called me? I decide this is the next question I want to explore.

Choosing your professional coaching training

Coaching,

There’s a question I get asked (in various forms) so often that it’s time for me to write about it on my blog: what training courses do you recommend for me to develop my coaching skills?

Of course, the answer depends largely on your response to a further question: what do you want to gain from the training programme you choose? In the main, the people I field questions from are looking for a professional coach training – one that will get them on the road to becoming a professional coach or one which will help them further to develop skills they are already using professionally.

This in turn raises another question: are you planning to pursue professional accreditation and if so, with what body? The field of professional accreditation is highly diverse and often confusing – a reflection, perhaps, of coaching’s current status as a young and emerging profession. I ask this question ahead of time because some programmes are accredited by the accrediting bodies. This suggests a mark of quality and also plays a role further down the line. For example, the International Coach Federation accredits programmes (as Accredited Coach Training Programs or ACTP, for example) and offers an optional accreditation route for graduates of these programmes which is different to that offered to others. Given the highly fractured nature of coaching accreditation in the UK and the international nature of coaching I opted to pursue accreditation with the International Coach Federation.

There are many other questions to consider. For example, is it enough to go for a “generic” programme or do you want to choose one which focuses on your own coaching specialism (“executive” or “life” coaching, for example)? I have taken the view that all coaches, no matter what their specialism, have core skills in common and this is reflected in the programmes I recommend below. So, here are some thoughts about specific programmes.

Firstly, I took my own training with ITS. This was a comprehensive NLP-based training – you don’t get to graduate from the coaching programme without first achieving your certified NLP Practitioner and Master Practitioner status. It’s a mark of the value that NLP can add that many experienced coaches include training on these programmes as part of their continuing investment in their professional development. I can recommend this path highly based on my own experience.

Secondly, not least because they were early into the market, the Coaches Training Institute has trained many great coaches, including my own. Even if you don’t take their training, it is based on thinking and approaches which permeates many coach trainings.

One coaching programme which has caught my attention is run by Coaching Development. Its founders, Philip Brew and Colin Brett, set out to raise the bar in training coaches and I’ve noticed that it’s been highly recommended both by newcomers to the profession and by experienced coaches who have opted to follow the course.

One further programme is run in the US by Coaching That Works. I mention this programme because of my interest in Nonviolent Communication. Martha Lasley, who designed the programme, has based this programme on NVC principles. All the programmes I mention in this posting are ICF-accredited programmes.

Perhaps it’s worth adding that, with such a large and growing market, this posting is simply scratching the surface of a large topic and reflects my own choices and experience. This can lead some people to ask: how do I begin to choose? So my final remark is this: whatever you choose will be a step in the right direction rather than your final destination. If you’re serious about offering a high standard of coaching to your clients, you will continue to invest in your development as a professional coach and will no doubt choose to take part in further programmes along the way.

Responding to anger: what am I bringing?

Emotional Intelligence,

Last week I wrote a posting entitled When does “not having learned yet” become a positive choice? I was interested in the views of colleagues as I reflected on my experience of talking to a colleague whilst he was feeling angry with me. I also shared this issue with my colleagues on the Training Journal Daily Digest – some of whom shared their comments here. I feel immense gratitude to my colleagues for their sharing which offered me a diversity of views and perspectives.

Today, one colleague asked what one of my clients might call the “killer question”. Are you really asking us to say, “your colleague is wrong and he shouldn’t act the way he has. But Dorothy, you’re ok”? I notice this question hits a delicate spot – after all, what could be more ironic than being angry with a colleague for being angry with me? I take time to reflect.

I’m aware that the experience of having someone who I know to be trained and experienced in Nonviolent Communication stimulated anger in me. How could they have tools at their disposal to engage with and transform their anger and, apparently, choose not to use them before phoning me to speak? I know that it’s this decision that stimulated anger in me.

I give myself compassion for this initial response. With all the training and experience I have to think in this way (NVC Practitioners call it “jackal” talk whilst some refer to this way of thinking as a “gremlin”) there will be times when my initial response comes from this place. I also know that directing my judgments towards my colleague can protect my from my own inner self critic – who can be so, so harsh!

Still, I am aware that by the time my colleague asks this question my anger is long since gone and something else is at play. My anger points to needs I have that were not met in my conversation with my colleague. It’s important to me to examine my needs and to ponder how best to meet them.

Needs: the great taboo

Emotional Intelligence,

In our Western society, I sometimes wonder if needs are not the great taboo. It seems that it’s important to be considerate of others’ needs and at the same time unacceptable to give thought to our own.

This leads to all sorts of strange behaviours as we seek to meet our own behaviours “by the back door”. In the workplace we accuse each other of “hidden agendas” and, in truth, these are often hidden from ourselves. In personal relationships we carry the pain that comes from years of trying unsuccessfully to meet the needs we bring to a relationship without even knowing that this is what we are trying to do.

No wonder, then, that when clients come to coaching they often bump into questions around needs that have been beckoning for a long time. What are my needs and how can I know what they are? Am I giving myself permission to meet my needs? And if not, how do I give myself that permission after all these years? And what strategies can I develop that will help me meet my needs?

Today I offer a few suggestions to a client who is just beginning to explore these questions – suggestions which I also offer here. The list below is a “pick’n’mix”! I invite you to be playful (rather than workful) about this – choose any and as many as look fun for you to explore:

· Read Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life or look up Nonviolent Communication on the internet – there’s lots of great stuff out there;
· Ask yourself what needs you and others have. And in case you’d like some inspiration here’s a link to the list that appears in Marshall’s book: http://www.cnvc.org/en/learn-online/needs-list/needs-inventory. You might like to ask yourself, what needs have you met most fully in your life so far? What needs do you most yearn to meet in future?
· Get curious: notice what people do and how they do it to meet their needs. Ask yourself “what needs is this person trying to meet right now – and how?” There’s so much to explore here! How do people express their needs (explicitly, implicitly)? How do they make requests? And so on. You might like to ask yourself who you most enjoy being around and notice how they, in particular, meet their needs;
· You might be interested to notice your family’s favourite strategies to meet needs. Questions to ask might include: What behaviours are most strongly encouraged in my family? What needs do these behaviours meet for the person who encourages them? What needs do these behaviours meet for the person who agrees to behave in these ways? What behaviours are most strongly discouraged in my family? What needs are met for the person who discourages them? What needs are met for the person who agrees to avoid behaving in these ways? You can apply the same questions in other settings, at work for example and in your leisure activities;
· Start to notice your own needs: for example, notice your emotions and ask yourself what they are telling you about your needs. Are they signalling needs met (emotions such as peace, joy, satisfaction)? Are they signalling needs that have yet to be met (emotions such as yearning, irritation, discomfort etc.)?

Coaching: creating an online presence

Coaching

Every now and then I realise that I need to change the labels I have given to a posting or postings.

Today, I take a look at the labels I have been giving a thread of postings in which I share the actions I am taking to optimise my online presence and realise the labelling needs to reflect this thread more accurately in order to be useful to my readers.

So, I choose my label – the title of this posting – and I review all the postings I have made in this thread. This is easy to do using “edit posts”. Now they all share this single, simple label.

Linking my blog to Twitter

Coaching

I’ve taken another step today following my latest conversation with Kenny Tranquille, my friend and “e-mentor”. I’ve signed up to Twitterfeed and used this to link my blog to my shiny new Twitter account. This means that every time I post something to the blog, it will automatically go out on Twitter.

Oh! And I also discovered that my blog postings are appearing on my Plaxo account. How did that happen? I don’t know! What it does mean is that my blog postings are also showing up on Plaxo – another way to share what I’m doing. Great stuff!

I’ve also added a link (see left hand column) to my Twitter account and to Kenny’s website. So I’ve made it easy to for readers of my blog sign up to my Twitter account and also to find out about Kenny who, as well as being my friend and generously giving me his time to talk about how to grow my online presence, has businesses of his own – as a nutritionist and NLP coach.

Oh! And one last thing, Kenny showed me the links icon above so that I’ve agreed to create a link to his website every time I use his name on my blog. And of course, I’ll be using it to create other links as well. And that’s before I even think about the other homeworks Kenny gave me…