All posts by Dorothy Nesbit

Finding perspective and direction

About Dorothy, Clients and testimonials, , ,
photo from the album
The London Symphony Chorus in rehearsal

Over the years, many clients have come to me by referral.  Sometimes, they are referred by people who know me well.  Sometimes clients self-refer.  It is always a particular privilege when someone chooses to ask for help whom I know personally, including friends and family.

Recently, friends and family have been amongst those coming forward to support my new Sunday coaching clinic at 1, Harley Street.  One of them is my dear friend Clare Rowe.  Clare and I met through our membership of the London Symphony Chorus and she had this to say about the times we met in coaching partnership:

“I have made two professional visits only to Dorothy at a time in my life when looking deep into myself needed to be shared – to find perspective and direction –  they were life changing meetings. Dorothy’s gifts of empathy, intelligence and perception allow discovery of self within the context of being human, what more valuable kinship do we require as human beings on our journey together?”

I offer my special thanks to Clare for her willingness to share publicly what her experience of coaching meant to her.

Commissioning coaching? Some contracting essentials

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As a commissioner, you need to make sound choices about coaching
In this posting – published last week in Discuss HR, I want to offer some real basics around HR’s role in commissioning coaching.  So basic, in fact, that I feel slightly nervous about teaching my metaphorical grandmother to suck eggs.  At the same time, as a coach, I’m aware that even the fundamentals can go wrong and want to offer a few pointers.  I also welcome your views and experiences.
What on earth can go wrong?

You know the scenario.  Manager X walks down the corridor to HR and asks for coaching for Employee Y.  Perhaps you hold the budget and you need to manage it judiciously.  Perhaps Manager X holds the budget.  Either way, you are at the beginning of a conversation about coaching.
Now, speaking as a coach, I find it easy and joyful to expound the value of coaching.  In my experience, it often delivers far more than is expected of it – results that go way beyond anything the organisation hoped for when the decision was first taken to invest in coaching for Employee X or Y.  What’s more, over the years, I have found that coaching continues to deliver way after a coaching contract is completed.  Recently, for example, a former coaching client told me that he has been increasingly in demand as a mentor since we completed our work together.  It’s not hard to see how, when someone in a leadership role develops his or her skills, the benefits spread through the organisation and, indeed, continue over time.
Nonetheless, things can go wrong.  For example:
·         Is the right person getting coaching?  It can be a thin line between (i) recognising that an individual’s development needs require more (or different) help than a skilled manager can reasonably be expected to give or (ii) seeing that the manager him- or herself lacks skills in providing appropriate developmental support.  This issue can be compounded if, in HR or L&D, you don’t know how to broach the subject of where coaching will best deliver a benefit to the organisation.  Is it in coaching an employee or his or her manager?
·         Are you clear about what coaching can and can’t deliver?  Many coaches will lay out clearly what coaching can and can’t promise.  Good coaching contracts explain who is responsible for what in the coaching relationship.  This is particularly important because commissioning managers often come to coaching with unrealistic expectations.  Coaching, for example, may support an individual in fulfilling his or her potential in a job.  However, if an individual is fundamentally ill-suited to do a particular job, coaching will not change the fundamental motivation, values or skills-set of the individual.
·         Have you laid out clearly what outcomes you want of or for the coaching client?  In my time as a coach I continue to discover how difficult people find it to be open and honest about their real reasons for commissioning coaching.  I have had one manager describe a potential coaching client as “high potential” in an initial briefing, only to hear them lay out the individual’s multiple failings in an initial three-way meeting with the coaching client.  I have equally seen the reverse:  a manager who shared all sorts of correspondence about the person for whom coaching was being provided and promised – but ultimately failed – to share the “bottom line” in a three-way meeting.
·         Is coaching the right intervention – and if so, how much?  Whenever you commission coaching, you need to consider whether coaching really is the right intervention.  Commission coaching as a proxy for managing under-performing employees, for example, and you give coaching a bad name in your organisation as well as using an expensive tool which may not do the job.  Equally, depending on the needs of the client, coaching may be a poor alternative to therapy, training, mentoring or some other intervention.  Having said this, when coaching is the right tool for the job, you need to be realistic about just how much support an employee may need.  I have sometimes seen organisations hope for miracles in just three months’ of coaching with no contingency for an extension if it’s needed.  Miracles can and do happen in coaching – but not always.
·         What can you reasonably expect to hear about progress in coaching – and who from?  Despite a very clear contractual agreement with clients about confidentiality in coaching, I often field requests for feedback which, were I to give it, would be in breach of my agreement.  Of course it’s entirely reasonable for organisations to want to understand to what extent coaching is providing benefit to the person seeking coaching or addressing concerns raised by the organisation.  At the same time, many employees will feel concerned if they have any sense that a promise of confidentiality in the coaching relationship is not being honoured by their coach or employer.
Some contracting essentials for HR when commissioning coaching

So, what are the areas you need to look at if you want to avoid these and other common pitfalls?  Here are some thoughts from me:
·         Get clear about the full range of help available:  The more you have clarity about the range of support available to an employee and when each one is appropriate, the better able you are to have a discussion with an individual and his or her manager about what support might best meet his or her needs.  Get clear on the full range of alternatives including coaching, therapy, mentoring, training and good, old-fashioned performance management.  Be ready to have a discussion with the person who approaches you to understand his or her desired outcomes and where he wants to get to.  This can provide the basis for discussing coaching as one of a number of alternatives and also for discussing who actually needs the coaching.
·         Select a pool of coaches with whom to work ahead of a specific coaching need:  I have found that clients who are best able to match a coach for a specific coaching assignment have a pool of coaches and know their strengths and areas of interest.  (This could be an article all by itself – so please let me know if you’d like me to write on this subject by leaving a comment below).  Equally, the International Coach Federation recommends to anyone commissioning coaching that they interview at least three coaches and most coaches are glad to meet with a potential coaching client to ensure a good match.  (I would add that, given three good coaches, clients often choose the one they’ve met most recently, so if you want to keep your coaches happy, you’ll mix up the order in which you introduce coaches to potential coaching clients).
·         Make sure you have clear contractual agreements in place – and educate people about your agreements:  A good coaching agreement is realistic about what coaching can and can’t deliver and about who is responsible for what in the coaching relationship.  In my agreements with organisations, for example, I spell out clearly that whilst it’s the organisation that funds the coaching, my client is the person seeking coaching.  I also spell out clearly what information I will and won’t share with an employer.  Equally, given my experiences over the years, I take care to let managers know that I will look to them to share any expectations they have of an employee as part of our initial three-way meeting and will not be filling in any gaps even if I am aware of things that have been left unsaid.  Increasingly I’ve learnt to spell out very clearly that it is for an individual to decide how he or she responds to expectations from his or her manager and to say that if the manager fails to share any expectations they have of the employee, this will have an impact on the potential outcomes from coaching.
·         Be clear – from the beginning – about how you will monitor progress and outcomes from coaching:  Your contractual agreements need to give clarity from the beginning about who will do what to monitor progress and outcomes from coaching.  I include progress meetings in longer contracts and always complete a coaching assignment with a three-way meeting in which I facilitate a discussion between the person seeking coaching and his or her manager about progress.  I also seek to build into an assignment an appropriate approach to feedback given the needs a client has expressed.  For example, I occasionally coach individuals who are designated “high potential” within their organisation and who also have specific development areas.  Where client organisations are willing to fund it (usually for very senior clients), I begin an assignment by gathering feedback through interview to get under the skin of a development need.  It helps to mirror this process at the end of an assignment to see how perceptions have changed.
·         Expect the unexpected:  Reading through this article, I realise there’s one important area to add.  Organisations who are used to using coaching and who use it effectively understand just how much their desired outcome can come in unexpected ways.  This, for example, is the individual who was struggling to perform in a particular role and who discovers, through coaching, just how much he or she yearns to do something quite different.  For watchers of The Voice, this is the dentist who yearns to sing or some equivalent in your organisation.  The truth is that whilst coaching may help someone to excel in a role it may, equally, provide a reality check such that an individual moves between roles or leaves an organisation.  In this case, whilst coaching is commissioned to support someone in getting up to speed in a new job, improved performance comes from recruiting someone better suited to the role.

I suspect this has been my longest article so for DiscussHR and still, I know I have barely scratched the surface of a huge topic.  I’m interested to know what you have taken from this article that’s useful to you.  Equally, I’m interested to know about your experience – what have you done that works for you?

Essential lessons from The Apprentice

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence,
Neil Clough
Fans of the BBC’s Apprentice were glued to the television last night for the interviews.  The gears were shifted from the fun and games of various tasks (a bit like the kind of assessment days I have been involved in over the years in corporate GB) to close scrutiny of candidates and their business plans.
It soon became clear that it wasn’t looking good for the men.  It was hard to see a way out for Jordan Poulton, whose business plan, it emerged, was for a business owned by someone else with whom he had a ‘gentleman’s agreement’.  He was the first to go.  Next, it was Neil Clough, who continued to maintain that his business plan could work despite clear feedback to the contrary from Lord Sugar’s advisers.  Finally, it was Francesca MacDuff-Varley whose spirited performance could not disguise her lack of business savvy.
Of the three candidates to leave this week, none was as hard to let go as Neil Clough, who has looked like a potential winner from the beginning.  As he sometimes does, Lord Sugar expressed his regret at having to say goodbye to him.  On The Apprentice‘s sister (or should I say brother..?) programme, The Apprentice:  You’re Fired, he said that “Neil’s greatest flaw is his inability to listen to sound advice”.  In a way, it doesn’t even matter whether or not the advice was sound – Neil was unable to adjust his approach for any reason.  It could be that listening to sound advice was indeed where it was at.  Equally, it could be that recognising that the people with the power and the ear of Lord Sugar had a view which was different from his own should have been enough to have Neil thinking about how to adapt.
For me, the important issue was not that Neil was unable to listen to sound advice.  No.  The important issue was this:  why was Neil unable to listen to sound advice?  We already knew, before last night’s episode, that Neil saw the death of his father when he was just 18 years old as a defining experience – this is something he shared in an impassioned speech on the business away-day task.  What struck me last night, though, was Neil’s need to succeed in order not to let his father down – or his wife and children, come to that.  To put it another way, Neil’s personal need to succeed – linked to his experience of losing his father – was such that he couldn’t let go of his faith in his business plan, for who would he be then?  There was, simply, too much at stake.  And maybe to put it yet another way, Neil had conflated separate issues (the death of his father, his desire to live up to his father’s expectations, his success on The Apprentice and no doubt more besides).  If you can’t separate your feelings about a past event from what’s happening today you will, at times, act in ways which are not good for you or your business.
Now, please don’t get me wrong.  Our most personal experiences can be a great force for good.  How many charities are borne out of grief and loss which successfully address injustices or provide much-needed support?  How many great leaders are fuelled by the desire to right some wrong or heal some injustice?  To bring this right up to date, I think of Andy Murray’s recent Wimbledon win and its potential to heal the deep sense of loss and emotional scars of the community of Dunblane.  Perhaps the word ‘heal’ is the important word here.  The desire for healing can be a force for good both for an individual and for those whose lives they touch, within business or without.  At the same time, the failure to bring healing where it’s needed can lead to behaviours in the workplace which are dysfunctional both for the individual and for the business.  For me, more than anything else, last night’s episode of The Apprentice shone a light on Neil’s deep need for healing from the painful, early loss of his father.
Neil, in case you’re reading this, I want to express my wish for you.  I hope that you come to understand one day that, no matter what your father wished for you when he was alive, you do not have to be better than anyone else or to succeed every time in order to do your loved ones justice… nor indeed, in order to be loved.  I hope you find self-acceptance such that you can see yourself more fully, knowing that the occasional failures that will beset you take nothing away from who you are.  Indeed, I trust that by developing a deep sense of self-acceptance you will uncover the fullness of your strengths as much as you are able to see and embrace your weaknesses and your failures.
And to others who read this posting I would like to add that  if you see something of Neil in yourself I want to reach out to you, too.  Let your experiences be a force for healing for you and for others – a force for good in the world.

Making life-altering decisions with ease and confidence

Clients and testimonials, ,

As the news spreads that I am now offering a Sunday coaching clinic in Harley Street, I have been touched by people’s willingness to offer help and support.  A number of people have written, unbidden, testimonials on my Facebook page.  Each one of them is dear to my heart, because I know how much difference it can make to work with someone in coaching partnership.

The testimonial below is is especially dear to me because it comes from friend and colleague Steve Mattus, who is a fellow student with Mark Silver at the Heart of Business.  (I could easily go into a rave about Mark Silver at this point… suffice it to say that good people succeed not only because they have products or services to offer which are of value but also because they find a way to reach those people for whom what they offer is really beneficial.  Mark Silver is someone I value highly in the help he provides to people like me as we seek to share our offering with the people we are best suited to help.)

Through my work with Mark, it’s also been a great pleasure to form a Mastermind Group (we have come to think of it as our Wisemind Group) with Steve Mattus, Marc Otto and Melanya Helene.  Our regular calls are a source of mutual inspiration, support and safety… a place where we can share our doubts and fears, our challenges and our woes, as well as a place where we can celebrate successes and plan for the future.  Steve was one of the first people to write on my Facebook page and has kindly given me permission to share his comments here, too:

Dorothy, I’m thrilled to see you stepping out, waving your flag and offering the gift of your craft to the public.  You have made a huge, positive impact on my life, in the midst of the most challenging of circumstances.

You’ve helped me get crystal clear regarding what’s really going on in my heart and mind so I could make life-altering decisions with ease and confidence.  You help me notice the subtleties in my experience, and teach me how to relate to them so I can resolve blocks and eliminate what’s keeping me stuck.  All the while, you’re helping me make sure I’m taking care of me, my heart and soul.  This allows me to show up in my life, work and with family with deep integrity and authenticity, making life flow with much greater ease.

Thank you for helping me release my struggle, and replace it with joy.

Steve Mattus
My thanks, to Steve, too, for sharing.

Focussing on what is essential

Clients and testimonials, Developing as a leader, , ,
Sometimes, a question in coaching can hit the nail on the head

Over the years, working with men and women in leadership roles, I’ve often found that, beneath the surface agenda – whatever that might be – lie questions of personal and professional well-being.  The issue may not be, for example, how can you improve your performance in this job?  Instead, there may be a calling to another role which is being ignored and which, still, seeks to be acknowledged and explored.  Or perhaps, behind questions of professional excellence lie questions of personal happiness – of work/life balance, of priorities outside of work which are being ignored… you get the drift.

Sometimes, clients bring issues which are wholly practical, such as how to reflect their skills, experience and accomplishments in a CV in ways which make it more likely they will be invited to interview.  Often, even the most practical questions reveal broader and deeper questions which are waiting to be explored.  There is, after all, little benefit to be had in getting a first interview for a job to which you are wholly unsuited.  Equally, in the kind of challenging times we live in at the moment, clients risk grasping for the job they think they can easily attract at the expense of thinking through how best they contribute or what it is they really yearn to do.

The underlying question is this:  who am I?  The more we build a life which is rooted in the firm foundations of knowing who we are (and who we are becoming) the more we are able to build a life which is a gift to ourselves and to others.  This is a life in which we can feel comfortable and congruent, and which becomes the means by which we find meaning and make a difference in the world.

Last week, when I announced the beginning of a Sunday coaching clinic at the Lewis Clinic in Harley Street, it was these issues that I had in mind.  I am seeing the Lewis Clinic as a place where people can work with me who want to focus on questions of personal and professional well-being away from their place of work.  Some of them will be those I already work with – leaders who want to take the hard work out of achieving results.  Perhaps there will be others, too – people for whom questions of personal or professional well-being are uppermost.

In the few days since I first started to share news of the Sunday coaching clinic, I have been heartened by the response of a wide variety of people.  One of them is a dear friend who also commissioned a coaching session at a time when she was considering her forward path.  She responded immediately when I sent her my news – “compelled to reply” – and offered the following testimonial.  You’ll also find it on LinkedIn and on my Facebook page for the clinic:

“I met with Dorothy at a time when I was wondering about taking a sabbatical.  I was concerned that time out would ‘damage my career’.  After only one consultation, I had clarified my needs, and planned a course of action.  Six months on, I’ve not only had a wonderfully enriching sabbatical, but the type of work coming through is more fulfilling.  I can wholeheartedly recommend Dorothy for her compassion, insight and unparalleled skill in focusing on what is essential.”

Marietta
Special Occupational Therapist, London

I want to finish by saying how grateful I am to those clients who share their feedback with me in private and, on occasions like this, with others who may also benefit from an investment in coaching.

Harley Street – reaching out for your help to get started

Coaching
Follow this link to find out about Sunday Coaching

On Wednesday, I announced on this blog that, beginning on 14th July, 2013, I shall be offering coaching at the Lewis clinic, 1, Harley Street, on Sundays.  My lead time – from my first announcement to my first clinic –  is short and I know I can’t do this all by myself.  I’ve been overwhelmed by offers of help.

Now, I must confess, I’m learning relatively late in time just how to ask for help and what to ask for.  It’s an ability I cherish all the more for being hard won.  I’ve also noticed just how much I love it when one person’s need meets another person’s natural gifts and warm heart.  I love it when I can do something easily for someone that makes a huge difference to them.  I love it when someone does something for me with ease and joy that supports me in a timely way.

So, I’ve been asking friends, family, colleagues and clients to help me get up and running with the Lewis Clinic.  I have made some very specific requests and, well, I’ve been deeply touched by their responses.  Here are the requests I’ve made – in case you can help and also in case they inspire you, too, to reach out for just the help and support you most need right now:

  • If you’re on Facebook, please follow this link and ‘like’ this page.  You’ll see details of any announcements I make and your friends will also see that you’ve liked the clinic.  I notice how much it has gladdened my heart just to see how many people have been willing to do this.  I am enjoying the sense of community – for me and for others – that is starting to build on this page;
  • I’ve made it financially very easy for anyone who wants coaching right now to become a client with a ‘pay what you want’ special offer which you’ll find on my Facebook page.  Maybe this is something that’s perfect for you right now.  Maybe you know someone else to whom this might be of interest.  One friend was so excited about this opportunity that she contacted two people she knows for whom it might be timely to let them know about the offer.  A client gave my details to someone who might be able to refer people to the Coaching Clinic on a regular basis – and, I should add, vice versa;
  • A third request I’ve made is for comments and testimonials from people who know me – and my coaching skills – well.  I know that some people who have read this blog on a regular basis have also become great supporters.  If you feel moved to say a few words by way of recommendation to potential clients, please do.  These could range from ‘congratulations, Dorothy, this is a great way for you to offer your skills in the world’ to ‘I really benefitted from coaching with Dorothy and I would really recommend the Coaching Clinic to anyone who would like help and support’.

I look forward to hearing from you and receiving your love and support.  Equally, I wonder what support could you request of others right now that would make your life easier or more joyful?

Coaching in Harley Street: a special offer for the summer

Coaching
Look for the flower at
 https://www.facebook.com/pages/Dorothy-Nesbit/484226844996761



Yesterday, I shared news of a new Sunday Coaching Clinic which I’ll be running at the Lewis Clinic at 1, Harley Street, beginning on 14th July 2013.

I’m excited about starting at the Lewis Clinic at 1, Harley Street, and want to get off to a flying start! For this reason, I’ve decided to extend a special ‘pay what you want’ offer for any coaching which takes place or is paid for in July, August and September 2013. This is how it works:

A minimum fee of £50.00 applies per 50- or 90-minute coaching session. To secure a session please contact me to arrange a time(s) and pay this minimum fee. I will hold a date and time provisionally for a maximum of 4 days and provide details of how you can pay. I will also confirm your session on receipt of payment.

The minimum fee is a contribution to the costs of running the clinic. I welcome any additional payment you would like to make either before or following your sessions. How much you pay and when you pay will be up to you. I am happy to discuss fee levels with you.

You can use this offer for a one-off session or for a longer term coaching relationship (up to a maximum of one year). In this case, I will ask you to confirm dates and times of each session and to make payment for each session as your way of confirming your coaching.

If you want to change dates and times I will be happy to do this, subject to availability. If you wish to draw your coaching to a close ahead of our agreement, I will refund your minimum fee payment provided I am able to fill your coaching slot or subject to one month’s notice.

This offer is subject to availability and applies only to coaching I provide at the Lewis Clinic, Harley Street on Sundays. If you want to take advantage of this offer please e-mail me in the first instance to signal your interest at Dorothy@learningforlifeconsulting.co.uk with the heading ‘Harley Street pay what you want offer’.

If you have any questions please post them here or contact me directly. I look forward to working with you.

Welcome… to Harley Street

Coaching
Looking ahead

I’ve been in the midst of a decision in recent weeks and it’s been a test of my own decision-making.  You know the kind of thing… one part of me says x, another part of me says y…

In this posting, I want to put aside any discussion of making decisions per se (though I’ll come to that) and, instead, to let you know that, beginning on 14th July 2013, I will be offering a coaching clinic on Sundays at the Lewis Clinic, 1 Harley Street, London W1G 9DQ. This will be a place of help and support for people who want to release struggle and to find greater ease and joy in their personal and professional lives.

Over the years, working with men and women in leadership roles, I’ve often found that, beneath the surface agenda – whatever that might be – lie questions of personal and professional well-being.  The Lewis Clinic is a place where people can work with me who want to focus on questions of well-being away from their place of work.  I am expecting that some of my clients at the clinic will be those I am already working with:  leaders who want to take the hard work out of achieving results.  I am also expecting others to come to the clinic for personal and professional coaching who may not be in leadership roles.
In the months ahead I’ll be completing a project which is already in progress – revising my website to create a resource for past, present and potential clients, including clients of the coaching clinic.  I’ll let you know when the website is launched.  In the meantime, though, you can learn more about my work at the clinic via Facebook, where I have set up a Facebook page for my work at the clinic.

I look forward to seeing you there.

Attracting, engaging and keeping talent

Developing as a leader,
Why should anyone come and work for your company?


Paul Goring wrote an article this week about attracting, engaging and keeping talent for Discuss HR blog.

I’m not sure Paul is saying anything particularly new or going beyond common sense… but that’s not the point.  The point is that, even in these straitened times, talented people have choices – and make them – about who to work with.  In my experience as an assessor, organisations never (and I mean never) complain of having too many talented people for the roles they have available.  If you want to continue to attract talented people for jobs at every level of the organisation, you need to pay attention to the promises you make and to how you deliver on your promises when you hire people.

And there’s another point.  The way you treat people when you do hire them… well, it tends to seep out to the customer and become part of the customer experience.  In my local branch of Timpson – I’m sure I’ve written about this before – I’ve had staff go into unsolicited raptures about how the company works and how much they enjoy working there.  No surprise, then, that Timpson has a whole section on its website about awards it has won, including the Tomorrow’s People Annual Award Of Achievement, Employer Of The Year 2012 award.

Of course, there’s more to it than that.  I have been gifted so many free lattes by staff at Pret a Manger over the years that I know there must be a policy lurking somewhere.  (After all, if it were just a spontaneous act of kindness by one human being to another – a human response, for example, to the one customer who smiled today – why haven’t I also been gifted the occasional book of stamps in the Post Office, or even… well… mortgage by my bank?)

I don’t need to spell out the impact of having unhappy, demotivated staff on the customer experience (though it may be worth saying that unhappy staff can lose confidence and they don’t always leave… so don’t count on losing them.  Equally, it may be worth saying that even when they do, they may well continue to talk about their poor experience of working for your company a long way down the road).

Of course, this Friday snippet would not be complete without highlighting the impact of your organisation’s leadership on engaging staff and reminding you of Daniel Goleman’s article Leadership That Gets Results, which is readily downloadable.  In it Goleman, outlines in brief the findings of research about the links between different leadership styles, employee engagement and organisational results.  If you’re serious about developing a brand as an employer that you can be really proud of and which attracts the kind of staff you really want to hire, you need to get serious about recruiting and selecting the right people to leadership posts and about how you education, train, manage and… mmm… lead them when they’re in post.

Please let me know how you get on.

Just how much can you flex in the workplace and still be yourself?

Developing as a leader, Emotional Intelligence,
Just how much can you flex in the workplace and still be yourself?

I’ve been reflecting on a challenge I observe amongst my clients – maybe it’s one with which you, too, are familiar.  Some of the most successful people I know are also those who are most flexible and able to adapt. These are people who are able to read a situation and to know what’s required in that situation in order to achieve their desired outcome.  These are people who choose their behaviours carefully in order to move towards their end goal.  These are not the people who behave, repeatedly, in particular ways and say “people can like it or lump it – it’s just who I am”.  No, these are the people who know that they are far more than the sum of their behaviours.  Confident in their sense of self, they adapt easily to change and maintain steady progress towards end goals.
At the same time, I meet people who have flexed so far that they have lost touch with who they are.  These are the people who have pursued end goals and may even have succeeded and yet, they have done so at the cost of their sense of connection with who they really are.  Perhaps they never knew who they are – busy pleasing their parents or their employer they have drifted further and further away from any sense of who they are.  Sometimes the disparity sits right under their nose, if only they were open to seeing it.  Sometimes it is so well hidden that they have no sense of it – just a vague sense of unease.
For this second group (do you belong in this group?) there is a paradox.  The more alienated we are from our true sense of self the more challenging it becomes to change and adapt at a behavioural level.  It goes like this:  I think I am what I do – so any change to what I do threatens my sense of who I am.  Maintaining behavioural habits becomes a proxy for being ourselves.  This presents many challenges.  If I am what I do, how will I experience any feedback about my behaviour?  Of course, I shall try hard to dismiss it or the person who gives it.  If I am what I do, how will I manage in situations in which old behaviours are ineffective?  It’s likely that I will chose to be ineffective over changing my behaviour because this gives me some sense of preserving my sense of identity.  If I am what I do, how will I experience failure in a particular task or even in my job as a whole?  It’s hard not to take it personally.
So just how much can you flex in the workplace and still be yourself?  I wonder if this question opens up an ongoing journey rather than a once-for-all-time answer.  It requires us to be curious – on an ongoing basis – about how much of what we think of as “me” really is me.  The newly promoted leader, for example, may find him- or herself looking over his shoulder for weeks until he realises that yes, I can do this job and it’s OK to do this job.  Sometimes it can take feedback to reinforce this new sense of workplace identity.  At the same time, part of this ongoing journey is to become increasingly aware of times when an action does not sit comfortably with essential motivations and values.  Yes, I can lead my team in a certain direction and still, every day I find myself struggling to get out of bed or simply forcing myself to do what I need to do to deliver in this job.
Often, I have found that the instinct for change – for a move towards a life which is more congruent with who we are – is barely hidden beneath the surface.  The right question will open up the need to reconnect with our sense of self and to identify, quite quickly, that the life we are leading lies outside what is normal and natural for us.  Sometimes we have the joy of discovering that we are in the right place at the right time:  learning to bring ourselves more fully to our life and career can open up much greater ease as well as higher levels of achievement.  Sometimes the realisation is that, by continuing to strive to succeed in this situation, we are flexing too far from our essential selves.
I wonder how much you are flexing in your life and career?  And with what results?