On Monday I shared one of my favourite ways to transform anger as part of a series of postings in recent weeks. Today I offer a second way. The first (see Lost your temper with your staff? Turning anger into gold) was from Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication and relies heavily on conscious intention. This second is from the school of Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) and relies on the brain’s ability to process information in a variety of different ways. The process is called the “meta-mirror” and I’ve written about it a couple of times before (see As a meta of fact and Thinking of all the mirrors in my bedroom).
The meta-mirror is a process I find invaluable when I am angry with someone or telling myself that I am “right” and they are “wrong”. It’s also a process that I often teach leaders on programmes to develop their coaching skills, because it hones our ability to see things from multiple points of view – an important skill in coaching as well as when dealing with our own emotions. Today is is the first time I’ve attempted to describe the process of the meta-mirror in detail and I do so with some hesitation: whilst it’s easy to use with the right training, you may want to seek out a skilled NLP Practitioner to support you in translating the description below into practice.
As a first step, think of someone or something you feel angry about. Find a place where you have room to move around and stand on the first corner of an imaginary rectangle, facing the second corner. You are now in “first position”. Imagine the person you feel angry about is in front of you and say what you think – no holds barred! In first position you are not practising what you might say in future – you are saying whatever comes to mind now. Keep going until you feel complete. (As long as you want to say “And another thing…”, just say it).
When you have finished, step out of first position and shake off (yes, really! take a moment to shake your arms and body) everything that you have just experienced. This is an important precursor to stepping into the second corner of your imaginary rectangle, facing the spot you were standing in when you were in first position. You are now in “second position”. Imagine yourself in the shoes of the person you were talking to in first position, receiving everything you have just said. Notice what comes up for you – you may be surprised! This is not about any conscious processing. Rather, it’s about noticing what thoughts and feelings emerge.
When you have done this, repeat the process of stepping out of this position and shaking off everything you have just experienced. Then step round the triangle to the third corner. You are now in “third position”. From this position, look back at first position and ask yourself “how does this me here see that me there?” You will experience one of two things. You may notice that the same anger you felt before is still with you – in this case step back into first position and express everything that is alive in you. Equally, from this third position, you may be able to see yourself in a new way or have new insights about the situation that stimulated your anger in the first place. At this point, you’re ready to move on.
Once again, shake off everything you’ve experienced in third position and move to the fourth and final corner of the rectangle. From here you can see yourself in first position and in third position. Ask yourself “Which me would I like to be in this situation?” It’s likely that you will choose the you that emerged in third position – take a moment to “swap” yous – it helps to point to them both and to use your hands to swap them over. Once again, shake off everything that you have experienced before moving on.
Step back into first position and begin the process again. Having swapped your first you with your third, it’s likely that you will have different feelings about the person or situation and different things to say. Say them – keep talking until you are done. Shake everything off before moving on. As you did at the beginning of the exercise, step into second position and receive everything you said in first position. Notice what comes up. The experience should be quite different this time round – a different response to different thoughts and feelings. When you’re done, shake your experience off and step back into first position to receive the response of the other person.
If your work is done, you will be feeling peaceful and resourceful. However, at any moment in this process, you may notice that you’re not done yet – that’s OK. When you spot this, it’s a signal that you need to go back to first position and express yourself fully before continuing the process outlined above. Especially when you first start to use this process, it helps to have the support of a skilled and certified NLP Practitioner to guide you.
You may be wondering if this process is an invitation to ignore the failings of others and the answer is no – in your role as a leader, however, you do need to bring your most resourceful self to the party when holding others to account.
And is that it? Well, in terms of the meta-mirror, yes, it is. If you’ve lost your temper with your staff, though, there is probably one more step to take. This will be the subject of my next posting.